Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Dear Myne - How Can I Improve my Marital Sex Life?

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Dear Myne, it's about my husband, no he's not unfaithful but I fear he prefers other women to me.I don't hate my body, but I do have self image concerns that do affect our marriage bed and make it hard for me to really loosen up and let go, my husband has some issues that really hurt me. I bothers me that he loves TV shows with sex and nudity. I have addressed them to him, but he denies them and refuses to change.

It is hard for me to accept that he finds my baby-worn body and scarred face attractive and sexy when he has no problem watching the naked women in Game of Thrones and other such mainstream videos. He says he does find me attractive, but couple that with his rarely initiating sex in bed and even more rarely taking the time and effort to bring me to climax and I feel downright horrible.

I do most of the initiating. I do most of the work. I've never refused him, but I've been refused plenty. I have gone to elders in the church and nothing changes because mainstream movies aren't offically porn and thus it's not a sin issue, but a heart issue I have to wait on God to deal with.

In the meantime, I'm sick of over a decade of dealing with this and while I still will not refuse my husband, I really don't want to put the effort into our sex life anymore. I feel so horrible now, I have a hard time looking into my husband's eyes.

So Physical Touch is not so Important?

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Last week I set up the poll asking what people's love language was, and it turns out physical touch was one of the bottom two, and very far from the top, 12 votes to quality time, which had 42 votes. I can say I am a bit surprised. Atala thinks maybe it's because majority of my readers and the poll respondents are women, and probably physical touch is not so important to women.

I'm not so sure about that. Personally, physical touch ranks third for what I want to receive, and second to what I want to give. I was quite surprised at how poorly it did in this poll, at a point, it was at the bottom of the poll with just two votes.

My dear readers, both men and women, do you think women discount physical touch so much? I am comparing this to the knowledge that for a lot of men, physical touch is either number one or two on their priority. Could this be a problem between couples? Or was there a problem with my poll?

The Wife Diaries - Episode Five

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“You could start from the beginning.” I urged her quietly.

“You know us Nigerians, everything is black and white. You’re either bad or good, and we don’t allow room for anything else.” She looked up and wiped her face. “I guess I’m bad here, in my own little nollywood movie. I’m the bad girl, the harlot, the whore.”

She laughed a little, which quickly became a cry “I’m a mess girl, a big mess..I thought this was over, but it never was... I’ve been pretending this whole time.”


“Mm-hmm.” she nodded, “remember that time Uncle Sunny was staying at the house?”

I nodded, grimacing. “What about that devil?”

My hackles began to rise. This was someone that had hurt Nkem, and till this day I was ready to beat the lights out of him if I ever laid eyes on him. Unfortunately he died five years ago, still I would dig up his body and kill him again if I could.

“I tried blanking that memory out and telling myself it didn’t happen over these years but, it’s affecting me! It always affected me.” She held my hand tighter as she continued.

Egg Noodles Pasta With Grilled Salmon

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Served with Cucumber
This is one of those meals you call a concoction. I had pasta, I had some cheese and some mushroom and I just threw them together. It tasted so wonderful I simply had to share. This post is just a menu idea, recipe coming soon :)

Monday, April 29, 2013

Between Boston and Boko Haram

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I live in America, I am Nigerian. Chimamanda called it this thing around an immigrant/emigrant's neck, and it manifests in different ways. This blog has a focus on relationships, but I also try to keep updated on politics and current affairs, and I report some of them here. I wrote a several pieces on the Boston bombings here, it was scary, it was closer to home, and the news was full with it.

A few days later, I heard of the over hundred people killed north of Maiduguri and followed as the government and JTF bandied words like over-exaggerated around about the number of people the red cross and eye witnesses reported dead. But there was just a couple of articles on the Nigerian newspaper apps I have on my phone, and by the next day, other news has taken the front page. I also moved on.

This article on the Daily Beast got me thinking, though it is directed at American, I think maybe we Nigerians, and can I say those living in the country especially, have a lot to ponder on. Are Nigerians second class citizens in their own country where local papers give more column inches to American news than to home grown incidents? Food for thought.

Pity Boston, Ignore Nigeria: The Limits of Compassion by Janine di Giovanni

No one would ever argue that the bombing in Boston was not horrific. But there was something uncomfortable in the obsessive global news coverage, of the bottleneck of journalists flying into Logan Airport struggling to find the smallest remnant of some new detail to report. Was it the suggestion, subtly transmitted, that America is the center of the universe?

10 Facts About Singles and Couples in America

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Via Women's Health

Whether you’re single, dating, or hitched, it’s normal to be curious about everyone else’s love lives. Are you having enough sex? Is your communication off? Are you being too picky? Luckily, Match.com released the latest findings from the third annual Singles In America study, and the results are fascinating! They surveyed over 5,000 singles and 1,000 married people on everything from orgasms to dating deal breakers. Some results are as follows;

Women Snoop…A Lot
If you already know your date’s education and work history before you get to the restaurant, you’re not alone. 48% of single women look someone up on Facebook before a first date. Hey, you have to make sure you’re not getting Catfish-ed, right?

Sex Doesn’t End After Marriage
Worried about your sex life plummeting after you tie the knot? Don’t worry, 41% of married couples had sex at least once a week last year. And better yet: Married women think about sex even more often than single women.

Money Troubles Ruin Your Mojo
A bad credit score can screw up more than just your financial future—it can mess with your love life. 65% of singles wouldn’t date someone who was over $5,000 in debt. Hopefully, that’s not something you’d reveal on a first date, anyway.

Being Thankful While Waiting to be Parents

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Seeing the picture above recently reminded me of the fact that we have been waiting to be parents for a couple of years now, and while currently working actively towards getting a child into our life, we have been taking it step by step, not stressing over it, and thankful for what we do have and share.

Some months ago we determined to start the process of foster care and adoption and attended the relevant training we needed to put us in a frame of mind to have a child or children in our home.

Some say it is easier to do things when you're younger, like getting married or having children. I'm not talking about being physically able to do either, but about the mental state required to do these things. Now, it's not that doing those things are easier at that stage, just that when you're younger, you don't overthink these things. This could be a bad thing, as some people make mistakes, but it could also be good if you're wise and luck is on your side, or you keep educating yourself and growing together, with your husband and with your children.

When you're older, you're definitely wiser, and you may have learned from other people's experiences all that could go wrong. You analyse and weight each decision minutely before you go ahead. The training we had were packed with resources to educate and inform aspiring foster and adoptive parents, and develop our parenting skills.

Is Omar Borkan Al Gala That Handsome?

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When I used to read Mills and Boon, a description of an Arab sheikh who looked like this would have got me swooning at the knees along with the usually blond and blue-eyed heroine. Now, I hear all the buzz, I look at the pictures, and I'm like, what? Who is with me?

Sign Fireman Gets Married - Wedding Pictures

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Sign Fireman is like a friend of this blog though since my post on his style of publicity using hot girls in Lagos [see post] went viral, and his PR people left his rebuttal on this blog. Well, he got married over the weekend. I wish him and his wife all the best for their married life.

Kim Wonder - How You Dey [Music Video Romance]

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Kim Wonder is a South Africa based Nigerian musician. She recently released the official video for her single “How You dey”. The video was shot in Johannesburg, and highlights the essence of humanity, love and kindness even to strangers. It's a lovely video and the set kind of reminds me of Jill Scott's A Long Walk.