Tuesday, September 9, 2014

Please Marry Me! From Desire to Desperation by Kehinde Ajose

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THESE days my heart cries when I see individuals who are desperate to get married; who can do anything whatsoever to get that ring on their finger.

A desperate person is someone who feels she has no hope and is ready to do anything to satisfy this burning need. I read the tale of woe of two individuals that will be getting married in a couple of months. I will call them Emeka and Lola (real names withheld). Lola is in her late 30s and her desire to find the right guy has gone from hopefully optimistic to desperation so much that after only three months of knowing Emeka, she’s decided to marry him.

The thing about Emeka is that he is the complete opposite of Lola. She is obsessively neat; but Emeka never learns to clean up himself. She is an independent career woman; he has a chauvinistic streak a mile way. She manages her money well; but he buys based on what he wants rather than what he can afford…and the list goes on. They fight constantly to the point that it is uncomfortable to be around them. With the wedding only two months away, the only thing left to ask is:

“Why would she want to marry a man who is obviously incompatible with her?”

A female friend of mine also shared the story of a guy she met, who didn’t even ask her out, and blurted out suddenly:

“Please, marry me”.

He didn’t hear her out, and started making plans for a wedding.

Individuals like this have an invisible signpost on their head with the inscription: “Will you marry me?”

After a year or two into their wedding borne out of desperation to get married, many men and women soon realise that they are miserable with their spouses. Yes, you are being pressured by friends and families to get married; pressures that make those family picnics and extended family events bitter experiences. That is not enough reason to rush to the altar.

Anything done in desperation is usually as a result of a decision taken under pressure. The romance novels and movies showing quickie marriages and glamour often don’t show the reality of a couple’s life later in their journey together. No thanks to singles seminars which only promise participants swift marriages without teaching them how to go through due process in relationships.

According to Dr Angelis: “When you are feeling lonely or desperate, you are much likely to make poor love choices and end up in unfulfilling relationships”. Some people are so emotionally empty that they are desperate for anyone to marry. In the end, they end up in a painful relationship. The following are the signs of desperation which are not exhaustive.

1. Getting too attached too early:

When you start getting attached to a person you just met and even saying “I love you” after a few dates, it’s a sign of desperation. You can make a clean break if you are involved with a needy, clingy and desperate person.

2. Having a profile listed with every single known dating site online:

This is a serious clue that you are desperate. If your profile is on every dating site you come across, that is a red flag you must deal with. Some will even put up a profile on the Classified ads in Nigeria via OLX.

3. Constantly buying gifts:

Getting gifts is good, but when it becomes too much it loses its meaning and relevance. This is usually obtainable among men. The average dude believes he can use gifts to buy his way into a lady’s heart.

4. Wanting to meet the family too soon:

“When am I meeting your people?” Is usually the question a desperate person asks. You should give much time before introducing family and other relatives to a suitor. If you are dealing with a person who is pushing to meet your family and you are barely dating two months that’s a red flag. Allow time to play its role in your relationship.

5. Dressing in attire that is provocative:

This is a clear example of someone who is insecure. This is prevalent among women. If you come across this type of lady it’s time to move on to someone who is comfortable in her own body and doesn’t need to show off her cleavage to everyone she comes in contact with.

From a young age many of us have been taught that marriage is a rite of passage and you don’t become an adult or a woman until you get married. This social pressure, real or imagined, doesn’t make it true. You do not become a full fledged adult by getting married. Marriage doesn’t validate your adulthood; it only reflects your maturity.

Kehinde Ajose is a talent development strategist.

1 comment:

  1. There are no hard and fast rules regarding the length of courtship.Some people know what they want and once they see it,they go for it and if the other party is agreeable to it,why should they date for 100 years?
    So the reference to 3 months dating is irrelevant.I know people who dated for 10 years and broke up soon after marriage.


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