Thursday, July 24, 2014

My Husband Wants Me To Have An Abortion Because I Lost My Job, But I Want My Baby!

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Hi Myne, I've been reading your blog for a long time and have turned to it for relationship advice now and again. Being a Nigerian-American woman married to a Nigerian man (whom I love very dearly), I can't say American relationship advice often applies to our situation, especially now that our lives have fallen into a bleak valley.

In just three months, I lost my job (I'm the breadwinner) and discovered I was pregnant with our second child. My husband adores our 1st child (1-yr old), but when he heard my news, he demanded I have an abortion. He refuses to hear anything else and says I'm selfish to keep the baby. That I only do what I want.

My religious belief forbids abortion, but more than that, I'm a young mother who knows that this child will not ruin our lives. He won't hear of anymore kids until, he says, we're financially set, by that he means wealthy. He'd have me have multiple abortions until he deemed the time right for a child.

Where he is right now, we only speak by phone. Since I told him the news and refused the abortion, he has equally refused to call or answer my calls. Or if he happens to answer the phone, he usually hangs up after a few minutes.

Until I agree to the abortion, he will treat me like a stranger as punishment (which is what's he's done before in past arguments). I was raised in the states: by refusing to obey my husband's request, have I committed some unforgivable cultural offense by Nigeria standards?

My husband made it sound like no Nigerian wife would ever speak her mind like I have.

Sorry, a long story. But I want to do right by my family, and I believe I'll find work soon and that blessings always follow children.

I always prided myself on my husband's peaceful nature, his loyalty to family, his forgiving heart. I feel I don't know him anymore.


  1. Blessings......
    "he demanded I have an abortion. He refuses to hear anything else and says I'm selfish to keep the baby." He demanded? It sounds like the selfish one is him, since she was the breadwinner he is seeing less and less for him and don’t want another child to get what he expects. While having another child is certainly going to be a challenge, a child is a blessing and she will have to decide a few things. (1): Can she live with the decision to have an abortion because force or not the final choice is hers? (2): Can she forgive her husband for demanding she have an abortion with no consideration to her or her feelings? (3): Can she live with her husband if she has an abortion because that is sure to build resentment and anger that will taint the marriage? (4): Does she have the courage to follow through and can she live with her decision if she chooses to keep her baby? (5): How will keeping her baby impact her life? (6): How will not keeping her baby impact her life? (7): Just as significantly she needs to examine her marriage, the man she married and asks some though questions of herself and of her husband and see things as they are and not as she would like them to be.

    Interestingly am wondering, since she was the breadwinner, what has her husband been doing? Why isn't he willing to get a job and be the breadwinner as things has shifted and support his wife in these difficult and trying times instead of making demands and shutting her out? His actions begs the question, is he truly invested in her or the marriage.

    Personally there would be no question as to what I would do (based on what she said), I'd lose the husband not my child (but that’s just me). Just to share a little bit about me. I ended my marriage because after many years together I realized I was married to a man I could not count on. He hid money from us so he’d have it all to himself. The end result, I raised my children on my own with no help from him on any level, with God’s grace I did well and never regretted my decision.

    To the woman who wrote this, if you are reading this comment, know your worth, not with your husband but your worth as a woman and an individual, your worth as a child of God. Since you were the breadwinner of the family it shows that you are strong, resilient and have a vein of fire that reads DETERMINATION and YOU would have no problem picking up the pieces and moving forward. If your decision is NOT to abort which it sounds like it is, then I say keep your child and let the chips fall where they may, just prepare yourself to maneuver the tide of the times to come. God is good and you will be alright, with or without your husband. Ultimately the decision is not his to make, although he is the father, this is your body, you will have to endure the procedure, and you will have to endure all that hormonal changes, the emotional shifts. If he decides to not support you, you must decide is this the man I want to spend the rest of my life with because without a doubt there would be more challenges and if your voice is deliberately stifled by the overpowering of his, where do you really stand? Either way, the veil has been raised from your eyes, now you see your husband as he is not as you would have liked, pay attention and don’t replace the veil because it would be to your detriment.

    The decision to abort a fetus is very complex and most people don't consider that emotional and psychological aspects they will have to maneuver for the rest of their lives (that aspect does not end when the fetus disappears) as a result of that one decision. Life certainly is a paradox; there are so many childless couples, women and men with fertility problems who cannot have children on other side of the spectrum you have men and women considering aborting and aborting babies.

    Stay blessed.

  2. There poster. As a Nigerian raised woman living in the US, I will say your husband is just emotionally blackmailing you. The average Nigerian man believes children heralds blessings, and irrespective of the family financial situation would still want to keep the baby.

    You are the bread winner. why? It seems you both live apart, why? There are too many questions to ask in my head.

    Like Rhapsody said, respect yourself as a person and a child of God. Pray but also stop making too much effort by calling. It might hurt but try. And if he chose to walk out of the marriage based on this, forgive me means you never really had one in the first instance. And yes..I read your last sentence on his loyalty and everything to the marriage and family..but you are still the breadwinner right? Also, try find some job no matter how low paying. May God keep you and the baby.

    1. Dear** Poster ( my error)

  3. I'm sorry but I have to be blunt. If your husband asks you to have an abortion, then you need to rethink the marriage. There is no justification for your husband to ask you to abort a child he is responsible, you are the one carrying the child not him. Keep the baby, if he can deal with it, that's his problem. But you'll never be able to forgive yourself if you abort the child.

    My 2 cents.

  4. "He'd have me have multiple abortions until he deemed the time right for a child."

    Are you not on contraceptives?

  5. If you don't want an abortion, then don't do it. Let him do whatever he wants and it will show his true character.
    Lots of Nigerian women speak their minds ... just not when they are married to unreasonable men.

  6. Then keep your baby

  7. Jude Uchechukwu UkwaJuly 24, 2014 10:53 AM

    let her keep the baby. the joy of her womanhood may never be complete if she ends up not having one atlast.

  8. Isioma ObionochieJuly 24, 2014 10:54 AM

    Pls kèep it o, dnt mind dat husband cos dat child can give u favour n turn things around 4u both

  9. Have your baby, pls


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