Saturday, July 19, 2014

Dissatisfied Husband Sends Wife Spreadsheet Listing How Many Times She Denied Him Sex

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A Reddit user throwwwwaway29 posted the equivalent of a Dear Myne post on the forum saying;

My husband sent me an immature, inflammatory email as I was driving to the airport for a 10-day work trip. Now he has cut contact.

It seems her husband is so not happy with their sex life and he wants his wife to know just how much. In fact the thing has been paining him so much that he actually keeps tabs!

In that email he sent his wife, he attached a spreadsheet with the details of every single time since the beginning of June when he has asked for sex and been denied.

throwwwwaway29 explains:

Yesterday morning, while in a taxi on the way to the airport, Husband sends a message to my work email which is connected to my phone. He's never done this, we always communicate in person or by text. I open it up, and it's a sarcastic diatribe basically saying he won't miss me for the 10 days I'm gone.

Attached is a SPREADSHEET of all the times he has tried to initiate sex since June 1st, with a column for my "excuses", using verbatim quotes of why I didn't feel like having sex at that very moment. According to his 'document', we've only had sex 3 times in the last 7 weeks, out of 27 "attempts" on his part.

Already redditers are pouring out the comments, see some below, and share your own thoughts.

For the sake of your sanity in dealing with clients for nine days, reply back with an email. But a nice one. Even if his email was pretty lame, he is probably fearing that the past 7 weeks are not only temporary but a new way of things.
Tell him you love him, things have been crazy with all of the stuff going on, but you will work it out. And for your sake, even though you guys have a lot of stuff going on, you have to enjoy life. Make evenings together "your thing". Make dinner after the gym but leave him the dishes while you go and take a nice shower, get into something comfortable and just relax and enjoy your night together. Watch TV, have sex, snuggle. Married life gets busy. When my kids were little my grandmother told me that housework will always wait for you. I always spent evenings with my kids making dinner, giving them a bath, reading to them etc. Your evenings together are as important as anything else in life, maybe more so. Cut yourself some slack, and him too. Hope it works out.

This is the best response. Husband is in a crisis and emotional. Best to take the high road, acknowledge his concerns and try to diffuse the situation. Getting upset will just increase the drama. What he has done is childish. He needs to get the tantrum out of his system so they can take the next steps.

Lol, you guys think this was an attempt for the husband to seduce OP?
The email is that of a man who is equally desperate and angry. A man who encountered so much unaknowledged rejections that he needs to count them.
Let's put it this way, he started documenting sex attempts 7 weeks ago. When do you think the sex actually 'tapered off'? I'm guessing several months before that.
I really don't believe was as out of the blue as OP would like us believe.

Wow. A sensible comment that isn't being downvoted..

Our sex life HAS tapered in the last few months, but isn't that allowed?
Obviously it's allowed, but he's not allowed to be bothered by it?
Just because he went about showing you how bad the situation is in a horrible way, doesn't make it any less real.
If I was turned down 89% of the time by my wife in the past while, it would shatter my confidence in myself and my relationship.
Why is he putting me through this? What the hell am I supposed to do?
He's probably thinking the same things about why you aren't willing to have sex with him.
He shouldn't be going no-contact, he shouldn't have sprung it on you as you were leaving, but his concerns are still valid.
He needs to understand that his ways of expressing his frustration are unacceptable, but then you both need to tackle this issue of intimacy together with open minds if you want to move past this.

Our sex life HAS tapered in the last few months, but isn't that allowed? We are adults leading busy, stressful lives. I cook for him, I do his laundry, I keep our house clean and tidy. It's not like our sex life was going to be this way FOREVER, it was a temporary slow-down due to extenuating circumstances.
Wishful thinking. If you want to have intimacy you need to make an effort to prioritize it. Owning a house is work. There won't be a time when the lawn doesn't need mowing or the bathroom cleaning or the dishes or laundry or a light fixture or washing machine needs replacement. And once you have kids you'll have even less down time.
It sounds like you've just been putting off intimacy until sometime unspecified in the future where neither of you will have responsibilities. That just won't happen.
Your husband's behavior needs to be addressed as its own issue separate from your sex life! His communication style is absolutely absurd!
You also need to address your priorities for intimacy. If you want a physical relationship you need to be able to account for that during you normal life instead of putting it off to some mythical slow period in the future.

I wouldn't call it his style. She's already described this is a 1 off situation.
It's definitely odd though since he hasn't done it before.

sounds like the desperate act of someone at their wits end

Before it sounds like I'm defending the husband I'd like to clarify that I think his method here was extremely immature.
I am neither married nor have I been in a situation where I felt like my significant other was "depriving me" of sex (for lack of a better phrase)...
BUT, I can relate to his possible mindset, in the sense that I often stew internally about things that are bothering me rather than openly communicating, to the point where it can manifest itself in very dick-ish behavior.
"Lack of sex" (or whatever it is) may have been bugging him for some time, but since he's not discussing it with her it just builds up exponentially in his head - to the point where he's "perfectly arguing" with someone who can't argue back ... constantly reinforcing to himself how everything he's doing is right and everything she's doing is wrong.
He probably saw the trip as the "moment" to spring it on her precisely because he knows she'll has no opportunity to offer a rebuttal or share her side (with him taking the additional steps of going technologically AWOL). He gets to feel totally vindicated and let her feel like shit about it.
He basically set up a situation where, in his mind, he can't lose the argument. Though who knows what the hell he expects to happen when she comes home. He may honestly think "oh she'll see how right I was and everything will work out exactly like I want."
But he doesn't realize he's at fault too - maybe not for the original problem (though I'm sure he shares some blame), but definitely for this stunt he pulled. In a shorter term relationship? Still shitty, but hey maybe that relationship wasn't meant to be. In a multi-year marriage? This is 100% wrong and needs to be addressed no matter what the original problem was.
So yeah ... if I had to guess, that's why he did it the way he did it.
It's a pretty immature way of debating someone that boils down to "I'm going to speak my peace in a way where you have to hear it, and then la la la I can't hear you." Even if he's right ... he's still an asshole.

Or it was an attempt to speak his fears.
"We haven't had sex in months - now you leave me for two weeks on business in many strange cities with who knows who. We are both sexually unsatisfied and I'm scared you're going to do something about it while gone, so here is proof that if you do, it's YOUR FAULT."

Maybe ... but I thought the subtext was more "you let yourself go and have become asexual, and I'm fed up with it without wanting to have to actually hear your side"
Cutting off all contact and being a huge dick about it is far more likely to push her into another man's arms than basically any other alternative he could come up with.
If he was scared she might cheat on this trip you'd think he'd at least answer phone calls and talk to her.

OP, your husband doesn't give a shit about the house being clean or tidy. He'd rather get a blowjob.
If you don't believe me, go spend some time at /r/deadbedrooms
Seriously if you are being honest about being "too busy cleaning" to have sex, stop. fucking. cleaning. You are fucking up your marriage.

Or maybe hand him a broom and a dust cloth and have him help.

Does he do any chores? I hadn't really seen her reference that or not yet

I'm not married or anything, but a friend of mine is and she had a piece of marriage advice... "Never let your man leave the house hungry or horny." Haha.

Wishful thinking. If you want to have intimacy you need to make an effort to prioritize it. Owning a house is work. There won't be a time when the lawn doesn't need mowing or the bathroom cleaning or the dishes or laundry or a light fixture or washing machine needs replacement. And once you have kids you'll have even less down time.
Exactly. At this rate, a child will excuse her from sex for at least two years.

I'm sorry but treating the OP like the main issue is two months of less than frequent sex, rather than having a sexually entitled Asshole of a husband with the communicating style of an autistic 12 year old is just absurd.

Op's marriage has two issues.
A husband who failed to communicate like an adult.
Intimacy problems which OP already acknowledged exist.
Both need to be addressed. The fact that #1 interfered with discussing #2 doesn't lessen intimacy issues or delegitimize his feelings. Saying her husband acted childish is true, but does nothing to address another problem within the marriage.
Trying to discuss both at the same time will only cloud both issues and solve neither.
OP needs to acknowledge her husband's feelings regarding intimacy but address communication issues. Then as a separate discussion they need to discuss their intimacy issues without his previous communication issues being brought up.

with the communicating style of an autistic 12 year old
So you, in all of your wisdom, believe this is the first time he has ever tried communicating about it?
Even though OP admitted that this is the first time he has ever acted this way? Even after OP admitted she thought the lack of sex was normal?
Maybe OP has been acting like the "autistic 12 year old" with her lack of empathy and has been unable or unwilling to acknowledge her husband's concerns.

Great username because your advice is bombing hard. Sexually entitled husband? You try being rejected 27 times and see how loved you feel. You're being completely callous here. Some people need physical intimacy to feel loved, and after this shitty of a sex life, he's feeling pretty low, understandably. And less than frequent? Does a dead bedroom sound ok to you? Because that's what it is and it's a graveyard for relationships.

What ever is going on has taken more than one month to happen. Your husband resents something with a strong, strong feeling. The lack of love making will only be one part of the issue.
There are many questions that you can ask your self.
What were your husbands, and yours, expectations when you got married? Are they being met?
In any week how much actual time do you spend in the presence of your husband? How much of the time is spent doing fun things, such as a date, a movie, chatting, making love? How much of that time is spent by you checking your work email, receiving work telephone calls, doing work? How much of the time is spent doing chores? Do you split the chores equally?
Was your husband expecting you to work as hard as you do, and do you spend much time away from home, which is something else he wasn't expecting?
Do you take your stress out on your husband? Do you show any feelings for him, or are you too stressed out? Do you cuddle him? Tell him that you love him?
You may have been doing most of the chores before this additional work, but are you really still doing them, or is he having to do it all now?
When you married did your husband expect to sit back and never do any chores, cooking and you would do everything?
When will this hectic life that you are currently leading come to an end? Is there an end in sight? Does anything come out of this? Such as a pay rise, a promotion? Or are you driving yourself in to the ground, oblivious to your marriage issues that will get trashed at the same time?
Forgive me for saying this, but even from what you write, your mind is not on your marriage, but work. That is not healthy. Has your husband been making comments, asking to talk etc? You may not have noticed, being too focused on work.
For your husband to keep a spreadsheet, with the excuses that you have given, about non sex there must be something.
So, 27 days without sex so far. By the time you get home it will be at least 37. Is that normal? How much sex did you used to have? From that to zero is a heck of a change. Men see love making as a way of expressing their love for their partner. For you to deny him that is possibly telling him that you no longer care.
He sees someone who does not make love any more, who is out of the house for long hours, who goes away for nights on end, who shows no love, or feeling for him. You know what he might be thinking? "Who is she having an affair with?"
My comments and questions are just starters for you to think of. There are others, such as is your husband totally and utterly unjustified in what he feels and thinks? I can promise you now, that what he feels and thinks are complete and utter rejection along with a deep sadness. All of these have been going on for a while, and getting worse.
A final set of questions. Are you with someone at the moment, when you are away? Are you often away with this person? Does your husband know this?
Are you aware of any insecurities from your husbands past relationships that tie in to what is happening now?
EDITED to add The above are questions, not criticisms. They are possible thoughts your husband has, and is, having, but are not necessarily valid. Please try and think this through as if you were your husband and he was you.

The spreadsheet was probably born out of the frustration of her not listening.
I know people like this. They argue/interrupt/yell when you try to talk to them. The only way to get anything across to them is to send them a letter. They can't interrupt a letter. They can't change the subject. They can't yell at it.
EDIT: The fact he used her work e-mail is very telling. There is a very good chance she would have dismissed a personal text/e-mail as unimportant. He knew she would actually check this one right away.

So, 27 days without sex so far. By the time you get home it will be at least 37. Is that normal? How much sex did you used to have? From that to zero is a heck of a change. Men see love making as a way of expressing their love for their partner. For you to deny him that is possibly telling him that you no longer care.

Sounds to me like maybe homeboy needs to pitch in on the housework....maybe she wouldn't be too tired and stressed for sex if he did HIS OWN laundry. He has a part in this too.

Yes, but cleaned by whom?
OP is either always at work, in the gym, or away due to work. When the hell does she manage to get all the house hold chores done.

When she isn't having sex with her husband, apparently.
Or, since they're never home, maybe the house doesn't get that dirty? IDK, but I was being sarcastic anyways

I know you were. I should have communicated better ( :-). ) and shown my appreciation.
I liked your comment by the way. I also wish I had written it.

Maybe if you had made me an excel spreadsheet I would've understood better ;)

your mind is not on your marriage, but work
While I agree with you wholeheartedly on everything you said, this was thrown on her just as she was leaving for a businesa trip. It would have been better if he had sent an email or text that said "we need to talk when you get home" or waiting until she was on her way home to send this email.
Another thing that strikes me is that they don't seem to communicate at all. I don't know anyone that goes on a business trip that doesn't call or text at least once a day. I know the circumstances are dictating the lack of communication right now, but it doesn't sound like they would be looking forward to calling each other if things were otherwise"normal" for them.

The tactics used by OPs husband are tactics of the despairing, the hopeless, the lost. His Tactics are ones of the last resort. I do not believe for one moment that her husband has not tried any form of communication until this moment.
If I described the following to you tell me what you suspect.
1/ loss of affection 2/ massive decrease in love making and denial this is occurring 3/ staying at work longer 4/ going away from home longer and more often 5/ doesn't text, email or telephone as often as she used to, and is always too busy to take my calls or respond to my text messages quickly 6/ suddenly started to go to the gym to lose weight. 7/ talks to me less 8/ never initiates love making 9/ won't talk to me, says she is too busy
In your opinion, what is that person doing?

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