Monday, June 2, 2014

My Husband is Not My Soul Mate by Mary Graham - Do You Agree?

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Mary Graham is a teacher and blogs about the thoughts on soul mates that a couple of lines from one of her 7th graders assignment sparked off in her head. She feels that a lot of young women are misled by the ideals of The One, Prince Charming, Soul Mates and similar romantic tropes. In a discussion I was having, someone also echoed the same sentiment, saying Mills & Boons should be banned. I'm not sure I agree with that, but Mary Graham makes a lot of sense. Read below and let's discuss. You can also vote by the right.

The first thing I wanted to do was run home and tell my children–my daughters–that soul mates aren’t real. That this isn’t something to dream about, something to wish and hope for. Because it will let you down and make all your real, healthy, and sometimes-disappointing relationships feel less than.

The only thing stopping me from this conversation is that my daughters are three and five. They think they’re going to grow up and marry their daddy. They’re not sure if they’ll be the husband or the wife though because those are confusing words to remember. In our house gender roles are the exact opposite of societal norms. I don’t want them to know how our house works isn’t “normal.” I don’t want them to think one way is normal, I want them to figure out what works best for their world when they finally get to make their own.

But I don’t want them to long for, look for, or hold out hope for their soul mate. Because they will always be let down. Chris Graham is not my soul mate. He is my husband, my best friend, my lover, my favorite person to talk to, my biggest cheerleader, and my family.

But he does not complete me, fill me up, or make my world.

He challenges me, encourages me, and talks me down off cliffs, but he isn’t the end-all-be-all of my world. That is a dangerous thing to ask of a relationship because I’m in love with and married to a flawed man. And he married a really flawed Mary. The idea that I can complete the hole he has in his heart, this want for something to fill him up, is wrong and destined to be painful. Because that hole isn’t of this world. That want and need we have for someone to know us, really know us, will never be satisfied while we’re here on earth.
And I think that idea, that lie we’ve been sold, damages so many relationships, ends marriages, and leaves countless people unhappy when they’ll truly never be happy.

I love my husband. I think he’s pretty awesome or I wouldn’t have married him and had some babies with him. He makes my life more interesting, makes me better, and loves me even when I’m not very lovable (which is a lot of the time). I picked a good one, for sure. And I’m glad he’s in my life.

But if I hadn’t met him, I think my life would still be pretty good. I wasn’t waiting for someone else to come along and rescue me from my horrible existence. I had a good existence before him. I was loved and cared for and fought for by a Father that made me whole in a way no one else could.

Soon I’m going to let my daughters in on the “soul mate” secret. That it’s made up and dangerous and unrealistic. That their God loves them more than any man ever could and that no one will ever come along and complete them the way they long to be completed. Their longing isn’t of this world. But that isn’t to say I don’t want them to find amazing husbands one day. It’s something I pray about often, asking God to be molding those young men–wherever they are–to be good mates for my girls, to be strong men of God, to have character above everything else. But that they don’t look to complete a girl’s life, either. That they’re pretty good on their own and then they meet one of my amazing daughters and they’ll want to do life together. And serve God together. Because He’s their soul mate. He’s their whole.

You can also check out the illuminating comments on Mary Graham's Blog


  1. This is how I see marriage and I think this is very healthy!

  2. Very interesting, I agree with her. First, let me share what the catholic church teaches about it.

    Question: Do I have a soul-mate, someone who God made for me and whom I am made for?

    Ans - Thanks for the question. The answer is yes and no. God didn't make you for anyone except Himself. Our ultimate relationship is with God, not with another human being, even our spouse. The romantic vision of having a soul-mate is made for movies, not Christianity. Our one and only soul-mate is God.

    There are a few problems with believing that God made us for one person in the world. The first problem is the question some have about whether the person they are married to, or planning on marrying, is the "one". This can lead to doubt about the relationship, a feeling of never being fulfilled, and ultimately it leads to problems in the relationship. A second problem is the idea that we are destined to be with one other person. This would be a cosmic swipe at the gift of free-will. It is as if we mess up fate if we don't choose the right person or never find them. Ultimately, this idea of a soul-mate is dangerous and un-Christian.

    But, there is another, better, way of thinking about having a spouse to partner with. It is found in the spousal analogy of becoming "one flesh" with your spouse. While souls are not fused in marriage, the bodies do become "one flesh" during sexual relations with each other. This is a reflection of the Sacramental bond that is created between two Christians when they marry. This bond lasts until death and nothing can break it. This is the more Christian way of understanding a mutual and exclusive relationship.

    Furthermore, love is always a choice, it isn't something we fall into and out of. Love is not something that merely "happens" to us. This respect of free-will and the ability of each of us to choose love is more consonant with Christian understanding of relationships. Marriage isn't just about romance and it isn't about fate at all. It is about love, freely chosen, and being bound together (with God) into the union of man and wife. This is for the good of the spouses, the raising of children, and ultimately it is a call from God.

  3. Well, I think there is no such thing as a soul mate or a predestined perfect match. If there exists such a thing, probably by now, with the high rate of divorces and deaths, the algorithm would be too scattered to redeem. So what happens if your mate died at birth, was aborted, became a priest, ran mad,became an addict or decided to be celibate like St.Paul etc. then there would be a global mixmatch and probably all the married people married the wrong match! And a widow/er who remarries, married another person's match cos we all should have ONE predestined match. lol. No, God wudn't have done that to us, not wit the free will he gave us. It is only our parents that were chosen for us, to that we had no choice. But every other thing: career path, hobbies, friends, life partner, is our choice to make. OUR CHOICE. and we live with the consequences of our decisions/choices in life and for life. God would guide you buh not choose for you. Some people get lucky, some dont. Marriage is a union of bodies, not souls. and it ends with the death of one partner. When the Pharisees asked Jesus, of the woman who married 7brothers, which one of them will be her husband in the resurrection, Jesus replied, None."For in the resurrection they neither marry nor are given in marriage, but are like angels in heavem." Matt 22:30. Our souls return to him at death so if at all, God is our soulmate. But to not be so boring, any person u marry/love becomes ur soulmate for the time being.

  4. Love her insight. I belong to that school of thought too. You may have made ny life better or more interesting, but if not you, it could have been someone else. More so, I didnt have a terrible lofe pre-you. And it goes both ways. I like this article a lot. All that soul mate stuff needs to be demystified


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