Tuesday, April 8, 2014

Can A Typically Traditional Nigerian Man Make A Good Husband?

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We all agree Naija guys are fine, right? Some are real dream boats, tall, dark and handsome, the stuff my romance novels are made off. And they can be quite generous if they have the means and can get their way. And that's the big but if you're an educated and liberated woman who wants to find someone to love you for you, and to get married. Some husbands can get downright mean when they feel they're not getting their way from their wives. Some of the stories out there are scary.

Even non-liberated Nigerian women, who simply are educated and want to use their brain a little after marriage are emotionally or physically battered by their ego-driven men. These Nigerian husbands though educated, want to live worse than their great grandfathers when it comes to the culture of how women are treated as wives, and in the society in general. And how is this? With no respect and no freedom to expand their minds or make their own decisions, and certainly getting no respect from their men.

There are some great stories, of course. But one refrain stands out which I want to question today. A lot of women who are happily married to Nigerian men often echo each other when they say, "he's not a typical Nigerian man". It is either the man was born and raised abroad, travels outside the country a lot, or he likes marching to his own drum which includes loving his wife and being her friend as opposed to the culturally accepted lord/master-foreman/slave relationship in most traditional marriages.

But is this really our culture? What stops a Nigerian man true to his culture from making a good - loving, understanding and respectful - husband? What is sure is that one thing has to give -- either the culture in the man has to make way, or the woman has to subserve herself completely, in some cases accepting disrespect, including private and public insults, domestic violence, or what our laws call correctful capital punishment, and rampant infidelity.

Charly boy and his wife granted an interview recently and in her advice to young couples, Diana said,

I think they have to first get it right from the start. I think dating is very important. You need to know what you want to get yourself into. For women, it is not because the clock is ticking and for men, it is not about what you have. But you need to know the person you want to spend your life with before you commit yourself. We make mistakes but people have to be careful. One of the things that work for me and my husband is that he is not a typically and culturally Nigerian man, maybe it is because of his exposure.

In mulling over Diane Oputa's comments, I came across this post on Stella Dimorkorkus Blog. The marriage of a Nigerian couple, both from well known families in Lagos is experiencing problems, and there are allegations of male infidelity, domestic violence, and what have you. The comments got interesting and I found a few to seemed to buttress what Diane said.

Sorry to see their marriage crumble but to be sincere with you, most men from the Western part of Nigeria DO NOT make good husbands. They are good for boyfriend relationships but if they say marriage..my friend PICK RACE O! The sad part is that they spend sooo much on these weddings. Money that could have been used to buy 4 or 5 properties somewhere (smh). Marriage is not determined by how much that is spent on the wedding day o. Ladies be warned. I would rather have a "local" wedding as they usually call our weddings and enjoy my marriage, then have wedding in Dubai and be a divorcee in 3 months time.

Please O point of correction from an Easterner, Naija men as a whole need a lesson in being husbands. It is not a men from western part anything. Do you see the stories about Eastern men and how abusive and controlling they are?? As a whole, our men need reorientation. Please Anon 3:34, do not bring tribalism into this. Naija men are really doing a crap job as husbands these days. No tribe is doing well, let us be honest with ourselves. Because your husband is punching the daylights out of you but buying you the latest George does not make him a better husband than the one that is just using his wife as a punching bad biko kwa. Not to get down on my own brothers but I am sick of people pinning things on one tribe all the time, SOME of our men as a whole stink.

Nigerian men,I think are the most horrible specie of husbands on earth!
They act like they are doing us women a favour.
Their infidelity has somehow become a norm.its so so ☹.

Nigerian men do not make good husbands, period!, they are brought up to feel that they're wife must bow to them and not taught how to love their wife

Are these ladies just making generalizations? Let's find out. I'm throwing the question open - Can A Typically Traditional Nigerian Man Make A Good Husband? Or should any liberated woman who wants to get married be prepared for the effort and time to find a non-typical Nigerian man or a non-Nigerian man kpa kpa. Or should they just be ready to submit, and I mean SUB-MIT. Let's discuss and vote below...

Please share so your friends can vote too.








15 comments:

  1. Most Nigerian men make good husbands and I feel that wives don't share it on blogs as such because they are either not used to talking about their private lives on social media or do not even have access to social media. All marriages have turpsy turns but it's how it's handled that matters. Another thing is, many husbands are really good but their wives have taken their husband's goodness for granted hence no need for talking much about it. Some typical Nigerian men do not make good husbands because they either use their mother's as yardsticks to measure their wives capabilities or have an unrealistic measure set up inside their heads as to how their wives must behave. In all, I believe that women and men both have short comings, whereas many men are sticking to the traditional spouse thing, many women decide to think outside the traditional box. This doesn't mean that we should generalize. Men and women handle marital issues as they deem fit even when the odds are against them or in their favour. In all, we must strive to work hard to make our relationships, marriages work. My answer to the question is: Yes a typically Nigerian traditional man can make a good husband.

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  2. Nigerian men,I think are the most horrible specie of husbands on earth!
    They act like they are doing us women a favour.
    Their infidelity has somehow become a norm.its so so

    Nothing more to add

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  3. My husband is a typical manly Nigerian guy, I give him his due respect and he is a good husband to me, so yes. With God and prayers it is possible. But choose wisely, not many are like that.

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  4. My husband is a typical manly Nigerian guy, I give him his due respect and he is a good husband to me, so yes. With God and prayers it is possible. But choose wisely, not many are like that.

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  5. I try not to stay in my bubble of a beautiful marriage, I am grateful to God but I work part time as a counselor and the outlook is bleak. I am not sure how we have a generation of men and women with modern sensibilities but when it comes to marriage, they act like cave men. The stories are long and worrisome Myne. I hope to get together with other counselors to provide help to our women (and men). Too many Naija couples are getting by just to stay married and avoid societal ridicule.

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  6. Anon, I hear so many stories, especially now I visit naija more often and it is heartbreaking and so sad. There is beauty in marriage but so many are missing it. Glad to hear of your work, there are not that many counselors out there. Well done.

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  7. Just be sure that respect is reciprocated because a lot of things Nigerian girls simply tag as 'if I play my part' can be very disheartening to hear sometimes

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  8. I think Nigerian men are trained to be sexists. Right from when they are young, they are made to understand that they are better than their sisters, and can get away with so many things. Even if the sister is the eldest, she has to learn to serve the brothers. You will see her going to the kitchen to help the mum, clean up after everyone while the boys need not bother. She is reminded every time that she is being trained for her wifely roles in future.
    I particularly do not like to date a typical Nigerian guy but sometimes, with education, they do not need to travel out to act civilized and know how to treat a woman well
    I know if you marry a traditional Nigerian guy, you will have to deal with those issues of him trying to subdue you simply tagged 'submit' for convenience, I still do not think they are the worst. I know the Arabs, some of the Asian populace, and other African countries have worst definitions of men-women roles

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  9. Thank you JB, I get so angry at some Nigerian men, and then you realize that's how they were trained.

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  10. You are so right, it is up to parents to show these boys a better way. To also encourage our women that playing your part does not need to lead to your complete frustration. Someone told me that in marriage, you play the fool sometimes...I said yes but in the case of our society as a woman, you just play the fool period. That in my opinion is not what marriages are called for. I hope we do not sound like male bashers though :-) Some of our marriages are just not encouraging. I did a little lookie look on Nairaland and I almost tore out my hair.

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  11. I think it's not an issue of the men. These men are also brought up by women who tell them it's ok to treat a woman a certain way. Or they've grown up seeing their father's behave that way towards their mothers and assumed it was ok. I think our society as a whole needs a paradigm shift on why people get married in the first place and what a marriage should be like. We also need to decide what we tolerate and accept. Certain behaviour is accepted within the Nigerian society as "that's how men are" or "that's how women are" or "what do you expect he is a man", or "a man has needs." Says who? Who says a man cannot be faithful to the one woman he married? On the topic of submission, people have got it all twisted - submission is not what a lot we understand it as in the Nigerian society. Submission is not being a doormat - it's understanding that within the marriage relationship the way God intended, the man is ordained as the head of the family. Does this mean the woman is his doormat? Absolutely not - abusive in any form is not tolerated. You should life each other up, respect each other and lean on each other. There needs to be a an understanding of an us mentality not people hiding things from their husbands and vice versa. My husband is traditional but a fantastic partner as well. Oh well end of my rant. Perhaps I'll blog on this topic in the next few days...

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  12. Can't seem to delete my comment, reposted to correct typos.

    I think it's not an issue of the men. These men are also brought up by women who tell them it's ok to treat a woman a certain way. Or they've grown up seeing their father's behave that way towards their mothers and assumed it was ok. I think our society as a whole needs a paradigm shift on why people get married in the first place and what a marriage should be like. We also need to decide what we tolerate and accept. Certain behaviour is accepted within the Nigerian society as "that's how men are" or "that's how women are" or "what do you expect he is a man", or "a man has needs." Says who? Who says a man cannot be faithful to the one woman he married? On the topic of submission, people have got it all twisted - submission is not what a lot we understand it as in the Nigerian society. Submission is not being a doormat; it’s understanding that within the marriage relationship the way God intended, the man is ordained as the head of the family. Does this mean the woman is his doormat? Absolutely not! - Abuse in any form is not tolerated. You should lift each other up, respect each other and lean on each other. There needs to be an understanding of an “us” mentality not people hiding things from their husbands and vice versa. My husband is traditional but a fantastic partner as well. My cousin makes fun of me that I share everything with my husband and that we share our finances. Marriage is about 2 people becoming 1. You both should be better people for having married each other! Oh well end of my rant. Perhaps I'll blog on this topic in the next few days...

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  13. Typical Nigerian men CANNOT make good husbands to western Nigerian women. SIMPLE!!

    A typical Nigerian man should go pick a village belle and leave the educated, well-travelled, enlightened , independent Nigerian women alone! Their over-sized ego is such a big issue!!!!

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  14. Im an American l, been dating a Nigerian man for 1 yr plus, he is horrible. He is rude, he is nonchalant, petty, disrespectful, arrogant, cold, childish. He blames me for all the turmoil in our relationship. He blatantly talks about other women in my front, continues relationships with past sex partners, keeps trophies such as videos of him having sex with other women. He isnt romantic, he doesnt know how to show me respect or love. Im there in his time of need, Im there, I try, yet what I give, he doesnt return when I need it. He expects total submission, yet he's not a good man. I keep waiting, thinking things will change, but hes no good, he doesn't love me, he'll never respect me.

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  15. I have been dating Nigerian man for more then a year.at first he treats me like a princess but slowly turn into most aggressive man I ever imagine..I am so confuse in this relation.it's been twice since he hit me terribly so this time am finding hard to forgive.he gets abusive for small issue and I doubt he is cheating me too though I never caught him but at same time he would behave like as if he loves me so much..really hard to understand them..moreover all his friends cheats their wife..I am trying to move on I doubt they are not good husband material

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