Saturday, March 1, 2014

Facebook Personalities By Baba Willy - Part 2

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Read Part 1

Facebook means that everybody is now a reporter. In the 60s, only journalists could report on events for they were the only ones with sole access to photo libraries and information. They also had the platform to reach a wide audience which was the Newspaper. Now everybody is a journalist reporting live from our living rooms. Google is there for research and any image can be uploaded in a second. Some report only on themselves as they have become biased into thinking that their every sneeze is a newsworthy item.

Everyone is also fantasy writer. In the past only writers like Mark Twain could write books like The adventures of Tom Sawyer and weave in stories from their childhood into the narrative. Very few could ever hope to share their fantasies with the world in books such as Alice in Wonderland and Peter Pan. Secret worlds of ideas in an author’s mind are channelled out through characters in a book aiding self expression. Today, everyone is that Peter Pan or Alice in wonderland. Everyone is both author and star in their own fantasy world. Everyone has a potential international audience for anyone could go viral at any minute. Armed with a smart phone, we are our own Camera crew and ace photographer on location. Our lives are that movie. Everyone is a star.

Now since everyone is a star, that means you need a publicity photograph and so it is off to the studio for your publicity shoot and woe betide your photographer if he does not hand you soft copies for easy uploading on social media after your session or if he is a bit weak in the air brushing department.

Facebook is a mirror into the soul of all personalities. Since everyone is a script writer and image consultant, only putting forth words and images that would enhance their persona, it follows that all persons are slightly devious and manipulating. But what does a Facebook page tell us about a person?


Going on their page you are likely to find the same picture of a Bus, or tropical beach that you saw three years ago. They are not going to have much pictures uploaded in their albums, perhaps less than twenty in number and they tend not to like or comment anything. They are secret agents who observe and think deeply. They may come out once in a while to comment on a topic they feel strongly about but they just love to watch.


These ones have a thousand or more photographs. They would daily like, comment and post status up dates. They get bored easily and want to know what is new. They also prefer that the new things are happening to them and not you hence their competitive streak. They might lose sleep if their last picture upload had less than 30 likes and if their status updates have less that the number of likes they had forecasted. They are also deeply interested in how many Facebook friends others have compared to themselves. Projecting an image of wit is so important to them that they openly plagiarize Facebook status updates to enhance likability
Both Introverts and Extroverts can get really crazy. Now crazy is when your Facebook habit starts to interfere with your life, like missing working just to be on Facebook or losing sleep in preference of nosing around other peoples pages. Getting depressed when someone unfriends you is also a such sign that craze don start.

Introvert Facebook- craze people. 

They are silent obsessives. They study other people to the point where they become cyber stalkers. They have a self-loathing vibe going on and believe firmly that other people’s lives are more colourful than theirs, so they go from page to page admiring, hating, envying but saying nothing. They believe what they see or read and easily get the wrong end of the stick. In real life it is so hard to look people in the eye for more than a few seconds. It is hard to look at their bodies without being accused of staring and shy people are less likely to look. Facebook is a Godsend to the shy introverts. In the safety of their rooms a picture can be analysed for many minutes.

Introverts can get envious of the extroverts pretending to live the fabulous life (usually on credit)  but just keep on watching and waiting till one day they snap and write some inappropriate comment out of the blue that reveals their secret beef. Bad Gossiping can be rife as can be spying. Ex partners are watched and followed closely. These Facebook CIAs rather than make new friends and get on with life look to see what the ex is currently doing then moan about it.

Some Facebook crazy introverts are cynical to a fault. They don’t believe anyone and trust no one. They are full of conspiracy theories on just about everything because they think too much to the point of being worrisome. They love negative stories and always upload scandals, people’s mistakes, breaking news about rape, murders, and robberies and love to upload grotesque pictures of decapitated human remains or nasty road accidents. These nuters have lost that side of their humanity that cares about not causing offence with macabre imagery. In the anonymous shadows of their bedrooms they pour filth forth.

Extrovert  Facebook-craze people. 

Image conscious and attention seeking junkies will do anything for a few likes. Uploading more than 3 selfies a day or 5 status updates a day means craze don start (Babawilly don craze long ago). It might represent not dealing with the harsh realities of mundane life and seeking distraction in the pseudo-glamour of looking beautiful on Facebook. The female members of this group have even invented the ‘back the camera shot’ where ample hips can be displayed to the world. If you have got it flaunt it (and if you have not got it, pad it abi?)

Some joke too much sef.  They up load just too many jokes. (Can any one be so happy?) More than 6 jokes a week usually mean the owner of the page has something to hide. Maybe some sad and painful incident. Sleeping on a raffia mat on a dusty floor and rolling with the roaches all night can scar a young heart leading to a life time of trying to medicate the cruel past with over enthusiastic jollity.

Attention seekers would change their hair style frequently at great expense, just to appear to be having a good time. No private moment is sacred to the attention seeker. Photo opportunities cannot be missed and must be seized at once. Appearing to be having a nice time on Facebook is actually more important than actually having a nice time to these vain folk. Woes betide you if you go on a date with such. So many selfies, the phone will almost fall into your plate of food. (Narcissist United FC)

A word of warning though, beware of the super extroverts who always have something to sell. They would turn your Facebook page into a shopping mall. They are the ones who know how you could make $4 Million a week sitting at home and how to win laptops and computers. No millionaire ever made his money sitting down on Facebook looking at pictures. It is a big fat lie.

I cannot end without chipping in my denials here. My dear aunty asked ‘why you dey sleep for Facebook ‘. I have just thought up my reply. ‘Aunty, I no dey sleep for Facebook but the words I write do. It is just an illusion’.

For those who claim they are not Facebook junkies, close your Facebook account for three months. Dats all.

Dr Wilson Orhiunu

Disclaimer- Na joke I dey o! This is not a medical article. Also, even if I tick all the boxes, I no bi Facebook-craze man

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