Tuesday, October 22, 2013

It is Not a Woman's Weakness That Makes a Guy Abuse Her But the Fear of Her Strength

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I've also been in an abusive relationship, my ex was psychologically and emotionally abusive and extremely manipulative and we were just dating! I think the only reason he did not try hitting me physically was because he was so sure I would kill him if he tried, instead he told his cult friends to threaten to kill me and my next bf if we broke up. He was so charming and I never spoke of the all the things he put me thru.

Just three weeks into dating him, he called me a slut cuz he said one of his friends saw me getting out of a friend’s car. I should have known that very minute that he was trouble. I was very inexperienced in relationships. I thot this was normal relationship behavior after all very few people share the really bad parts of their relationships, I genuinely thought I was the problem because before that I had never been in a long term relationship.

I was constantly told that I wasn't a good enough girlfriend and that he would dump me for someone better, I was berated and insulted more often than not and even worse he insulted my family often blaming them for my alleged 'bad' attitude. He brought pit the worse in me with his accusations of cheating and the constant talk of leaving me. There was no love, it felt like bondage, he went as far as reporting me to my friends and when my friends didn’t take his side he alienated them.

He always had a sense for when I was close to the edge, then he would be extra sweet and extra attentive and nice, but these moments didn’t last.

one day I had simply had enough, I come from a well to do family and I was sure that he had inferiority complex issues about it, he leaned on me financially and I was is personal cash cow, and even after giving him money he would still turn around and insult me, so some days before my birthday I picked a fight with him over money, subconsciously I knew he wouldn't resist the urge to play it out till my birthday, we fought and I said it was over. He cried and begged and called all my alienated friends to help him talk to me, but my heart was hardened, I had finally realized what he was doing to me, he was killing my soul slowly and one day he would hit me and I would think it was ok and that I deserved it.

After I broke up with him he stalked me for another 2 years he called at odd hours of the day, most times he didn’t even say anything at the other end, other times he would cry and beg me to take him back other times he would just insult me or my family or both. I was a constant battle to keep my sanity because three quarters of the time he called with a private number. I only got respite when I moved out of the country for a few years I didn’t get my old numbers back because of him and sometimes I'm worried he will start stalking me again.

Looking back I recognize that I ignored the signs, the violent temper, this need to be better than me every single time, his rants about how ugly I was. I should have seen him for what he really was but I didn’t.

I think the major problem with abuse is that most women don’t know the signs to look for, everyone thinks it just starts with the beating, but the beating is the height of the matter, it starts with emotional and psychological abuse the constant need for the abuser to put down the abuse, he resorts to violence when he thinks his words are not working and most women don’t talk about it, if they do it’s in hushed tones for the fear of being blamed which they are anyways.

Reading about Oma and this story has made me realize it would have been much worse for me, I was just lucky I got out early enough and don’t be fooled it can happen to anyone, it’s not weakness that makes a guy abuse a woman but rather fear of strength, the man is worried that if he gives the woman leeway she will be strong and that terrifies him it’s that fear that makes him abuse his woman he needs to put her down cuz he isn’t going higher.

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I'm so proud of the writer of this comment, which came in here. You are even stronger than you know. HUGS.

October is Domestic Violence awareness month, and I urge anyone who is in a violent relationship or marriage to count the costs and speak to someone for help. Talk to your friend, your family, a pastor or an qualified counselor. You can also contact Project Alert.






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