Tuesday, September 3, 2013

Chris Ihidero Unedited "Interview With Pastor Biodun" - An Acceptable Contribution to the Discussion?

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I just read this satirical contribution to the on-going conversation about Ese Walter's open letter [read here] alleging an affair between herself and Pastor Biodun Fatoyinbo of COZA church Abuja. I'm the first to say I want the conversation to continue and stay on the front pages so that those in a position to take action do so, including Pastor Fatoyinbo himself.

I said in a previous post that we could joke about the issue as long as we keep talking and asking questions, but reading this satirical piece by Chris Ihidero, I don't know. That I'm seeking a more worthy resolution to this matter than simply sweeping it under the carpet, does not mean I intend to insult anyone, neither Ese Walter, nor Pastor Fatoyinbo. And I certainly do not want to make light of the fact that pastors and other men in the church may be abusing women and children under their care and authority.

Does this piece push it that far? Am I taking it too seriously?

Chris Ihidero Unedited: Chris Ihidero ‘Interviews’ Pastor Biodun

‘Good morning, Man of God. Thank you for finally speaking on this issue sir.’
‘Welcome my brother, you are blessed. It is you I must thank for being very open-minded about this whole nonissue. I read your column last week and I must confess Nigeria is lucky to have people like you who still use their brain cells. The Lord be praised.’

‘Hallelujah. So, where do we start from?’
‘Let us start from the beginning. Praise the lord.’

‘Hallelujah. So, what was on your mind when you invited her to the terrace of your hotel suite?’
‘That’s not the beginning. It all started when I saw her in the congregation while preaching one Sunday; she was very vibratory, especially when taken over by the spirit doing praise and worship. Praise the lord. The spirit ministered to me that she would be useful in Pastoral Care. That was why I invited her to the unit. And she was very useful. Praise the lord.’

‘Hallelujah. By ‘very useful’ you are talking about your affair with her, right?’
‘No, we didn’t have an affair; we had an understanding. Praise the lord.

‘Really? Explain to me how that works, sir.’
‘Praise the lord. She understood that I am a Man of God with a weakness. I understood that she was a believer with an equal weakness. She understood that I was a married man; I understood that she was a willing woman. She understood that I could make her no promises of forevermore; I understood that she understood that by associating with me I would introduce her to a level of grace she was previously unaware of.'

‘Is this also the kind of understanding you had with others that led to your suspension in Ilorin and the 130 women you have slept with?’
‘Lie! Big lie! One hundred and thirty?!!! Haba, how could one man have done that, even with a never seen before level of grace? They just want to give my dog a bad name just to hang it. 120, I may accept, but 130? Never. When it is not as if I have a spare mobile pen6s that I charge with car charger. People should fear God when saying some things o. Praise the lord.’

‘Let’s return to her story. So, what were your intentions when you invited her to your hotel suite?’
‘Special deliverance, I swear. God sees my heart. I had heard some uncomplimentary stuff about her and had caught her looking at me somehow during Pastoral Care Unit meetings, so I knew I had to intercede for her to retain God’s glory in her life. Praise the lord. Even when I asked her to come to the terrace it was so we could get cool breeze during the deliverance. All was well until she sat on my laps.’

‘What happened when she sat on your laps after you invited her to do so?’
‘My weakness arose.  And when we kissed…my brother, do you eat seedless grapes? That’s what her tongue tasted like, soft and succulent. What was I to do? You people don’t know how hard it is to pastor a Pentecostal church in Nigeria, especially in this Abuja! You are there teaching the word of God and what do you have before you? Gorgeous women with sly smiles; with breasts, big and small, chiseled upon their chests like those old wood carvings; lips like cherries; eyes speaking to your soul, telling you their desires. Ah, until you have walked in my shoes you are not qualified to judge me. Praise the lord.’

‘Is it true you had sex with her everyday for seven days?’
‘Zachariah 10. It’s a level of grace you can’t understand.’

‘Ask the Lord for rain in the spring for he makes the storm clouds. And he will send showers of rain so every field becomes a lush pasture.’
‘You know your bible. Praise the lord.’

‘Hallelujah. And what styles and positions were employed?’
‘One does not talk about such things but suffice to say we were quite experimental, you know, those things one doesn’t ask from a wife. Praise the lord.’

‘ So I’m free to assume missionary wasn’t top of the list?’
‘God forbid. Praise the lord. In fact, it was because of experimentation that we had our first quarrel.’

‘Really? What happened?’
‘She wanted me to use my silk ties to tie one of her legs to the door knob and the other to the window…I thought that was too much of a spread so I declined and she took offence. It was during round 4 on Day 7. Praise the lord.’

‘You know sir, each time you say ‘Praise the lord’, what I hear is Praise the Rod. It seems to me that you spend more time doing the rod’s work than you do doing the lord’s work.’
‘Who died and made you judge? Don’t make proclamation about me if you don’t want the wrath of God. I’m a man of God, remember? Praise the lord.’

‘Is this also why you’ve refused to explain yourself to your congregation?’
‘They don’t need any explanation. They know me.’

‘We would have to end this interview on this note sir. Thanks again for your time. By the way, I don’t know your middle name?’
‘It’s Roderick.’

‘Say what?’
‘Roderick.’

‘RODerick? Perfect.
‘Praise the Lord.’







16 comments:

  1. LOL...permit me to laugh o. Praise the ROD!

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  2. Na wa oh!!! I want to believe this is a scripted play and this didn't really happen! Else we are in trouble in this my generation!!!

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  3. a joke but its an expensive one
    www.flavour360.blogspot.com

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  4. I will like to believe that this interview is a hoax and that it never actually took place. Pastor Biodun appears not to show any remorse and repentance for what happened? Of what difference is sleeping with 120 or 130 women? Even sleeping with two women in the church is too many. Without repentance he will go on leading astray vulnerable young girls in the church by continuing to seduce them and sleeping with them. Somebody do something about it otherwise he will continue to take advantage of women and lead them to hell. Thats why I believe that one-man churches should be regulated so that if their Founder or General Overseer is up to no good something can be done about it. We need accountability in these modern day pentecostal churches. Their increasing influence in modern day African countries could be dangerous.

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    Replies
    1. Myne said it's a satire. It didn't happene

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    2. haba didn't you read the part where it says SATIRE

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  5. I couldn't just stop laughing. This interviewer nailed it good. What a way of generating a response when Pastor Fatoyinbo has refused to give us one. Really laughing hard.

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  6. It's sorry to see that some people find it hard to identify a simple joke. Low IQs.

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  7. This is so insulting to the name of God.
    It's not funny at all.

    M'

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  8. No. Seriously, Myne, this is a joke to mess with readers' head, right?

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  9. Appears your disclaimer was not bold enough Myne...you might need another post helping folks to appreciate a sense of humour.

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  10. Please, please, please, let this be a joke...

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  11. Those who know Chris know he is not a christian. The reason I'm talking about this is, children of God, this is the shame we bring upon ourselves when we refuse to address issues in God's way. A sin uncovered is forgiven and the weakness worked upon. The church has left this issue unaddress and therefore open to multiple interpretations. Nyce write up from Chris though but church leaders have proven to be just as unaccountable as politicians.

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