Monday, September 23, 2013

[Advice Corner] Why Do My Men Leave Me and Then Get Married To Another Woman Few Months Later?

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Dear Myne, I am an ardent follower of your blog and found most of the information/ stories there useful, insightful , encouraging. I would like you and fellow readers to chip in on this short story as I need your advice. I turned 32 this year and assessing my life  - God has been faithful in fact too faithful and I am very thankful. But like most young women my age , I deeply desire to have a family of my own.

I have observed a trend in my love life - I always end up as" the one" before "the one".  It's happened three times now. These men can't seem to make up their minds about me, but with the next girl within " a year" or less and they are at the alter. I am no saint and have my faults - but I'm not a nasty person either... and I try, I really try.

With all 3 men, I've been cheated on and they drifted away quietly gradually until there was no contact. Two got girls pregnant ( one his ex , the other - he was probably dating us both at the same time come to think of it) There was never an opportunity to find out why they decided I wasn't the one for them.

With the second guy I tried to work things out despite the fact that he cheated and would not admit to cheating.  Coincidental at the time I moved to another town for work reasons and that seemed to benefit him as he took less of my calls, got a girl pregnant and married her 6 months later! Even though, he had told me at the start of the year , he wasn't ready to get married yet because of so many projects he had ongoing. We had dated for 2 years...

Writing this makes me come across as pathetic, I do not have a self-esteem problem that I am aware of - why I tried to make things work? I do not know. But where each time, six months to a year down the line - these guys marry another. I honestly cannot help but wonder and it really hurts

Why am I always prepping these men for other women to marry? Why am I always at the short end of the stick?

I'd like to read your thoughts and readers as well. I'll really like to hear from the male readers especially...


  1. Dear poster, my heart goes out to you. IMO, none of those guys was your man. Believe that and stay strong. They possibly left because either you refused to have sex with them or get pregnant (I'm guessing) or they realised they couldn't play around or fool you and get away with it forever. Such men can never keep a woman happy for long, who is mature and grounded like you come across. Please put them behind you.

    The question is not why these men moved on, but why you attracted them in the first place, and stayed with one for two years. You mentioned self love, and I think you need to do an evaluation. When we're younger, we're more impressionable, we know not much and can accept a lot. But as we get more mature, we begin to really know and appreciate ourselves. And then our eyes open as to the best choice for our life partner. Don't let anyone force you to think you're too old to get married or find your ONE. This is actually your best time, but you have to choose wisely.

    Know what you want, and go for it. What kind of men do you envisage for yourself? Begin to carry yourself to attract such a man. Polish yourself and build yourself up if you think you need to grow more. Go to places the kind of man frequents. Pray about your dream partner, see him in your mind, not just how he looks, but how he'll treat you, and what you won't accept.

    Above all, accept and love yourself and those around you. Forgive yourself of the mistakes you have made, and let go of the anger for those who have offended you. Take joy in your work, your relatives and the things you do. Smile more, play more, go out more and interact more, online and offline. Enjoy life for what it is now and keep praying and believing for what is to come.

    1. You said it all !!...if she can apply what you said to her life...there will a lot of changes..
      If I may add, sometimes in the midst of our problems, there are things in our lives that should not be there that God sees, it cld be an habit, addiction, thinking pattern..he delays the anwsers to our prayers, because he wants us to deal with those things first, if he solves our problems, and those things are not uprooted, the problem or more will crop up in our lives...he's an all wise God dat knws hw 2 deal with issues in our life....just be patient nd flow with his timing

      finally, if it is a case of delay that is nt of God.....I know most people will find this strange or think am insane....Civilization and ignorance has closed our eyes to so many things...Most cases of marital delay, dissapointment, distress in marriage, broken homes are sometimes cases of spiritual marriage....spirit husband/ wife....there are a lot of christian books , you tube videos on can do some researches....nd take note of your dreams...If you feel or notice anything unusual , you can see a deliverance minister .....We will like to see your pre wedding shoot and wedding pixs on dis blog wen God do am o....Much love!!...all d best!

    2. I disagree with you that God delays our destiny especially for petty reasons like teaching us a lesson. He has a plan for us sure, and we just have to work it out. It may be different from everyone else and make some think it's a delay but that's not true. It will all work out for good.

  2. Dear Poster,
    Saw this link and I just had to comment. My advice?
    Know your worth as a woman, I don't mean financially. Don't settle for less than you should. By less, I don't mean the men you meet but what you are willing to take from these men.
    Secondly, I don't advice anyone to have anything to do with anyone that just came out of a relationship. So do background checks before you commit to anything.
    Finally, men (contrary to opinion) usually have a clear idea of what they want from a woman after they meet her. So make sure you are 'the' option, not 'an' option.
    I am sorry stuff hasn't worked out so far, but then looking back do you think you would have wanted to be married to these guys?

  3. I am a man and I agree with the first two comments. Sure there are slimeballs out there, but true men that want peace and love in their marriage will not treat you like those men, they were probably just toying with you. I tell my close friends, any man that will not level with you seriously on timelines for a steady and sustained long term relationship, ditch him.
    You say you're not nasty, are you nasty at all? Check yourself, get better, and stop taking shit from men. The one for whom you;re also the one will come when the time is right.
    You said the men should talk, hahaha. I don't often comment here, or just briefly.

  4. @poster, most have talked about the men but I want to talk about you. What are your faults? Could this be what is driving the men away and they can't tell you because you're too stubborn? What you give is what you receive back, sorry if I sound harsh. For the men to give you bad treatment and you accept, there must be something wrong. Figure it out and work on it, good luck.

  5. I think these men marrying other women were a blessing in disguise. They were cheaters, would you want to be married to a cheater just for the sake of being married? In all likelihood they are still cheating while married, and then you would have children, a house and all of these things tied up with an undeserving man. God is really faithful to you indeed to weed these men out of your life. You should be singing praises and rejoicing for God delivering you from the mouth of the snake.
    I honestly feel like the right man will come to you at the right time, but in the mean time prepare yourself for him. Develop those qualities that you feel a good wife should have. Whatever you want in a man make sure you have it in you too, he will then see you as an equal when he meets you.

  6. My heart goes out to you. The men and you weren't meant to be. I recommend taking time out and praying have a special intimate relationship with God and tell him to take control of your life, seat back and let Him and take control.

  7. I really feel your pain cos something similar happen to me,my 1st left me for my roommate,while d other worked out some month to our wedding so u can imagine what i went through but i survived... am now happily marry with a fantastic baby that makes me to thank God that my previous relationship didnt work out.put all your faith in him,dont be too hard on yourself and let go of the past.your time will surely come.

  8. Thank you all for your words of advice and encouragement. I am looking inwards to improve myself and up to God from where my help comes from.

    I am confident that one day and soon enough of to, I'll be posting and sharing good news :) I'll be leaving each day as the gift it is and enjoying my single days :) God bless you all

  9. I ve seriously gotten good advice from u guys cos similar thing has happened to me. Thanks God bless

  10. You are looking at this all wrong... From what you've described of your exes and why the relationship ended, God saved you from giving your heart to Mr Wrong! Don't look back and see this as a problem - instead work on yourself and continue to build your faith. The same God that has kept you for 32 years knows the desires of your heart & he has never failed you yet.
    Ps. Know your worth and NEVER be prepared to accept a cheat - you are too precious to settle for less than what God has for you!

  11. Sometimes the reason we don't find men is we limit ourselves to the type of men we want, he must be of a partucular tribe, height etc. I am a nigerian girl dating an indian guy in the uk where I live, when I met him although he wasn't my type cos he isn't nigerian I agreed to be friends with him, turns out he is extremely nice and wants to get married as soon as possible, also he is cute and has a great job, But I keep wondering what if I hadn't given him the time of day bcos he wasn't the type I normally date.

  12. Hi guys, I am so lonely. I live in a house full of people. But I need my own life partner and love. I came back from the UK early this year for a marriage, but it didn't work, so I refused the marriage.

    I run a small business, and the people I meet aren't the type of people I'd like to marry. But I don't have any other avenues to meet eligible men. Most of the ones I meet through parties are way too young, and everyone in my age bracket seems to be taken (32-38). Also I didn't grow up here, so have limited friends who can do introductions.

    Can someone suggest where I can meet/connect with eligible single men? Has anyone tried speed dating or online dating in Nigeria? Is Afrointroduction any good?

    I'm 5'5, size 6 (uk), people say I look like Cassie (I don't know for them o'!)


  13. Nobody talked about sex...if you're loose,men will get the sex and roll..I mean and go marry their plain Jane,Holy gf's who were probably there before you.Maybe a little zipping up and seeking God will be the answer.Men like wild sex but when settling for marriage they do not settle for a porn star.Most short term relationships are purely sexual.


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