Friday, August 23, 2013

Keeping Your Man - Open Letter From Stella Damasus to Married Women

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I like Stella, I really do. I fell in love with her acting, and then her love with her first husband through one of their love songs. I follow her blog and leave comments. Recently, there has been some stories about how she's dating her new business partner who divorced his wife, but I choose to disregard those as rumors. Still, I'm happy that Stella noted in this post the irony of writing this topic and still goes ahead.

Now to the post itself. Stella has a good heart, but some of the tips in this her letter get as them be. But hey, as usual with these write-ups, take the ones that suit you, and leave the rest for the writer and other readers. Enjoy and have a great weekend.

Keeping Your Man - By Stella Damasus

Hello ladies,

Been a while since you read from me and I am sorry about that. However I never said I would be the only one writing for this blog. I threw it open to members to send in their articles, concerns, challenges, questions and other things to the Adiva email address and we will publish it.

Not only that, we will get the experts/professionals to help answer some of your questions, I am still waiting to hear from you all.

Anyway I have good news and that is the fact that you will be able to watch me talk more/elaborate on things I will write in the blog. Yes o my YouTube channel will be very very active soon with my new project called Stella's diaries.

You all need to look out for it because it will be very exciting as usual. I will say it the way I see it and I am sure by now most of you know I am not ashamed or afraid to speak my mind.

Anyway let me go to the topic I want to discuss today "keeping your man".This is for the married women o please this is not targeted at single girls.

Now we know that the one thing men cannot live without apart from money is SEX. In this forum I really don't care where anyone is from or what religion you belong to, I will be as raw and honest as possible.

I do not understand why women especially Africans do not talk about sex when we know that it is the one thing we do regularly with so much pleasure.

Anyway our men love sex to the max and we know that for a fact. So how come when we are dating them we are so willing to give them what they want even though we know it is wrong. The first few years of marriage is filled with sex almost five times a day in different parts of the house and at odd hours, but after the few years we start to back down, we start to make excuses, we start to see it as a chore and then we let them know that we are really not interested in them physically.

Wow, what happened to the lady fox, the hot chic, the sexy cat that he got married to?
What happened to the babe that would understand the signal he would give and immediately comply?
What happened those times when he would race home to his sexy energetic ever ready wife who would make him feel wanted?
I know that most of you will say "I have kids who wear me out, I have work that drains me, I got older, my sex drive has gone under, I have a headache" to the point that the man will need to get a visa at your "embassy" to visit his favorite place in the World.

When you do this to him, how do you expect him to come home everyday to look at your tired, grumpy and unfriendly face?

How would you expect him to come home to you complaining about the plumber, your child that was being rude, and your boss that gave you a hard time?
NOOOOOOO please.

At that point he wants you to take him to that special place were the sky is so wonderful and turn his brain around to the point that all you say will sound like sweet music to his ears.
These men are human beings who go through their own challenges, half of which you don't even know because they are trying to save you from all the stress.

What annoys me the most is when we women start to complain and nag about the men not having time for us, and how they no longer find us attractive anymore and that's where the suspicion starts. That's when the saying comes, "if he is not getting it from me someone else must be giving it to him’.

I don't encourage cheating at all in fact it goes against what the bible teaches no matter what. I will not also judge anyone who has been caught in a web he is not proud of for one reason or the other. I believe that if we are truly sorry for our sins and we go to God with the determination not to sin again, he is merciful and will forgive us.

In all of this I know that all men are not beasts, neither are they evil because we married them. I also know that men do not get married and carry it at the back of their minds that they must cheat. That's not how it works please. There are things that we do that trigger things in their brains and these things drive them to do things that they really would not have done. Most of us believe it when they say men don’t think with their brains but they think with their penis. I beg to differ because they know what they are doing and I don’t see how the penis can have a brain that will control the whole body. There is always something that sparks off in the brain that sends the signal to the penis.
You may or may not agree with me but this is what I choose to believe. Most men we married are not so evil and dubious, some may be cowards but cast your mind back to the kind of man you chose to marry and see if there were traces of that character or not.

What men want:
- They want to feel like they are in control of things which is not bad because they are the head.
- They want to feel loved and like it or not they are our first babies who desire words of affirmation no matter how macho they seem.
- They want to feel WANTED all the time, it gives them the confidence that all men crave for.
- They want to know you are still sexually attracted to them.
- They don't want you to make it obvious that you are smatter even if you are.
- They like their space and alone time.
- They don't want to come home to a fat mama who is the opposite of the sexy curvy woman he fell in love with, because she let herself go after they got married. Why should she try and look the same? She is married now, who else does she have to impress? WRONG! Men are first of all moved by what they see before anything else. So when they can't see that anymore or at least an effort to getting back that body that turned them on, they'll probably lose interest in you and find it someone else.
- They don't want to come and hug you after work with you are smelling of onions and oil. At least take a shower before he gets there or if there is no time spray perfume.
- They want to come home to a nice smelling neat and tidy home.
- They want to walk into the bedroom with the bed all made up and clothes arranged. Maybe a small note on his pillow saying I love you and I am glad you are home, that definitely puts an automatic smile on his face even if for three seconds, it keeps him interested in you
- They want you to be a good listener not just a talker.
- They want to know that you believe in them and you are proud of them.
- They want to know that no matter what you will have their back and support them, then ask questions later.
- They just want to see that you are making an effort because no human should expect you to be perfect.
- They don't want another mother but they want you to take care of them the way you would your kids.
- They want a wife, girlfriend, sorry to say (personal call girl) which is not a bad thing because he is your husband who is free to express his sexual desires as long as they are not life threatening or demeaning.

There are so many things I can add and you will not stop reading so let me end this by saying: if you do not try to do at least 60 percent of this regularly, trust me a younger version of you will cross his path and that is exactly how the enemy works. When that younger and more energetic version of you catches his eye, your matter will quietly end. This girl will rock his world so bad that coming home to you will become a chore. These girls can give him all these things and even more that the men find it so difficult to resist. All the money that was supposed to go to you and your children will find their way to her pocket. They can get anything they want from your man because they know the secret to getting and keeping him.

I know that this article will cause a lot of controversial wahala but it is fine because in life people don't like to hear the truth. This might also be an opportunity for people to make silly comments but the truth is I am loving it all. I finally have the attention of people who will ordinarily not want to listen to me or watch me.

Ladies on a more serious note, if you are guilty of these crimes and are depriving your husband of what is rightfully his then don't be shocked when a younger version of you gets the best of him.
I will let you all know when the extended version of this topic will be on my YouTube channel. God will bless your homes and give you the wisdom you need to keep it together.

Think about this objectively, try out what you agree with and discard what you don't. Leave the messenger out of it for a change and see the bigger picture ahead.

Take care of yourselves and remember that I love you all.


  1. this article seems like an article written by a teenager. stella, just because u r obsessed with sex doesn't mean other women are. i am disappointed with this article.

    1. That is exactly the point of this post, most men are like teenagers when it comes to sex.

  2. agreed that her first husband died but her second marriage ended in divorce. How many other relationships after that? So how come this sex thing didn't work for her?
    There are several beautiful women with all the qualities she described above, whose husband cheated on them. So what is she talking about. I think she is just courting controversy and unfortunately, as seen in his facebook birthday post, she is being egged on by her new man.

  3. Lmao and *yimu-ring*

  4. Interestingly I enjoyed this write up and think its full of real insights about today's relationship-but it made me to see that both sexes put too much efforts in romance and sex during courtship but later in marriage ladies won't be able to keep up with the men sexual pace.Let's face facts,sex alone cannot sustain marriage so we should invest more in other things like cooking, mutual interests,understanding the person's dream and aspiration knowing if and how you can fit well into the picture,building a God fearing relationship not praying or hoping to have one,being prayerful before marriage. As a married lady and after talking to a few guys on this issue,I can tell you guys don't joke with money,food,sex and their job/career and family too.But even though sex is something they constantly want,a married guy told me,its not just the physical action alone.Show you enjoy it wit him during the action,in text message etc but also balance with interest in his career,his health,his food and let him know how he can please you too.Try not to lose shape too much,add value,be relevant to his life and cultivate godly affair whereby he is not just trying to be faithful to you bcos that's almost impossible for most men but being obedient to God but ofcourse that's for men who keep their relationship with God real.My advice to ladies-know God,obey him,don't try to be too pleasing to a man before marriage,you are starting something you cant finish and for us married ones,keep working on being a better person and spouse in and out of bed,God bless.

  5. Yes!..It's all good to be sexy and keep the fire burning in marriage...but really we have heard all these several times, most women have put it to work...Yet their hubby still cheat..For records....womanisers have the hottest woman at home o, their wives are pretty 24/ 7.....I will always say It's the fear of God ,self control [ if before you start pounding on your mistress, she tells you she's HIV, will you still continue?, you can control yourself and run away} ,knowing that you are accountable to God and your wifey, and loving your wife as christ loves the church...God's love for us doesn't diminish when we do the wrong Men love your wives and their imperfections and watch them grow.when a woman holds back, it means she's scared , or doesnt trust you or doubts your love!!.When you treat a woman right with the right attention, right words, the woman in her will grow....she will be all you want her to bed, dressing and all that!!....when you talk down at her in the morning, don't listen to her worries, dnt help her with her chores.. and you expect her to welcome you with kisses and be a tiger in bed!!.Finally.. women be submissive and respect your hubby....Men love to be respected , praised and pampered too.. Don't hurt them with the words you say...and bruise their ego! and be prayerful...Be sure you have God's covering upon your marriage, by praying together...There's something about a family that prays together!!People are wired differently, study your partner , know their needs and what works for them and your relationship!!

  6. Thank you stella I do benefit. But. To keep the famly happy the man need to kno how to keep a woman, the children. Have to play their part is very important,the bible says couples should not deprive each other of it. The othe points you mentioned are also timely.

  7. I don't even know where to start..there's some truth to some of the things said but there's no balance. The picture painted is the woman doing it all. As a married man, I don't agree with a number of things said here. It would take time to try and educate on why I don't. Marriage is team work, meaning both man and woman put in work to make it successful. Sex doesn't keep a marriage...

  8. I love it all..thank u stella, u r the best, thankks

  9. Marriage is not all abt sex especially in not too young marriages, like you rightly said Stella that those few years after marriage is normally filled with sex but after that, i think other things other that sex are sure to keep a marriage going and mostly the grace of God.

  10. Im a 30 year old man, Ive have been together with my wife for about 6 years and 3 years married. No kids, no house. The upcoming July will mark the 1st year anniversary of Not having sex. I can tell you that before that 1 year mark, sex was maybe once every 2 weeks. Would have liked to have it more often but it satisfied me. And every time i initiated it, adding to it, about 90% of the time i ALWAYS initiated the courting. I remember getting into arguments about who initiates it first (ridiculous). **A side note to women**- Its a misconception to assume that every man likes to be dominant in sex and to be always initiating it, thats not Entirely true. As a man, it pleased me when my wife desired me and approached me for sex. Its sad that things are not the way it used to be. I've never cheated and nor do i plan on it. And its sad that i know that its almost going to be a year without sex with my wife. Divorce has been on my mind, and continuous to make an appearance in my thought from time to time. Im glad i found this thread. Let me know what you think. I'll be gladly to answer to any comment or question.


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