Tuesday, August 13, 2013

Dear Myne - Should I Tell His Wife That He Cheated With Me?

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I met this young man Diekola while watching football at a local Nigerian restaurant. He asked me for my number and things progressed from there. We have a mutual friend in Nigeria called Emeka, a guy I went to secondary school with. Emeka and I have known each other for more than 14 years. Emeka confirmed that this guy was single and had no attachments. Diekola and I ended up having an intimate relationship and things got physical really quickly.


Three weeks later, I found out that Diekola lied about his last name, lied about the fact that he was married and asked his friends including Emeka to corroborate his lies, which they did. Diekola has been married for less than two years and has a one year old son, his wife is gorgeous and works as a TV presenter.
I hoped rather than believed that this was a mistake on Diekola's part, that he was influenced by friends and he just got carried away with things. I decided to contact his RCCG pastor to help counsel him through this.

In conversation with the pastor, he revealed to me that Diekola is the youth pastor of the church, Diekola's parents head their own RCCG parish in Nigeria. Diekola has been struggling with his faith particularly paying his tithes. The pastor suggested that Diekola be 'caught-in-the-act' in order to counsel him properly. He suggested a meeting at his office where I would 'drop in' on a meeting with him and Diekola. I agreed to it and when I suggested coming along with my own pastor, the RCCG pastor was against it.

I went to this meeting with a friend of mine only to find out that the pastor had given Diekola the heads up and that Diekola's lines had been carefully rehearsed. I left that meeting certain of the following;
1. Diekola has probably cheated before and will DEFINITELY cheat again
2. Diekola IS the negative influence on his friends and not the other way around as I had thought
3. I had ZERO confidence in the pastor's ability to help in anyway and his only role would be to cover up Diekola's wrong doings.

Diekola showed no sign of remorse, my friend described him as being smug. In conversation with him,while we were dating the following phrases stuck out as to his mind set, "it is a man's world", "what a woman doesn't know won't hurt her". At the meeting when I asked him why he would do something like this, his response, "It's a guy thing".

As a result of all this, I feel that the wife should know, even if its only to ensure she gets tested for STDs at least once a year.

My intention is to send her all the evidence via post either to her house or her office;

- Recorded telephone conversations with Diekola
- Text conversations with Diekola
- Call log from Telephone company
- Text conversation with Emeka confirming Diekola was single

I also have pictures and videos, but I don't think I should send those as it would just be rubbing salt in her wounds.

I am keen to hear people's thoughts.







27 comments:

  1. send evidences to her that you slept with her man????????.....and who says she doesn't know that her hubby cheats on her..Truth is 99 percent of people know when their partner is not faithful!!!...See...the energy you are using in trying to make the guy admit that he is wrong , trying to make him pay for his sins, or trying to warn his wife....Please ,use the time and energy in investing in urself and making amends...You made a mistake, let go and move on ..If you are repentant, am sure God has forgiven you....

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. What exactly is she supposed to be repentant about?

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    2. Jumping into intimate relationships as an umarried woman.
      How about that?
      She painted a picture of high moral standing.

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    3. @The ladybird ...I used the word ''repentant'' because ,Most times in cases like this,Though she was deceived , but the victim might start feeling guilty that she was with another woman's husband...and the guilt feeling will do her life no good., That was why i said so,in order for her to do away with any feeling of guilt now or in the nearsest future..One love!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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    4. Anon 12:23PM please get thee behind me with that gospel. What crap!
      Having sex as an unmarried woman or MAN has nothing to do with morality.
      It is a religious stand not a moral or ethical one.
      And because I can anticipate your response; no I am not a heathen. I am a believer who doesn't practice premarital sex but I can't stand reasoning like yours. Are there not virgins with the most evil hearts?

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    5. @Pearl, I would like to know if you still have the same feelings towards this story now that similar stories e.g Pastor Biodun and Ese Walters of COZA are coming out?
      The fact is this man is a pastor, a youth pastor, he should be held accountable, striped of his position until he has sorted himself out. No effort spent in doing that is wasted.
      Let me put it in terms you can understand, he could be responsible for teaching your 12 year old daughter, your sister or your niece. A playful slap on the back, then the bum, then a friendly kiss ... still we shouldn't say anything, because his wife and/or church members may already know.
      REALLY???

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  2. Who made you Ms Fix it? Go fix yourself first -- Physician heal thyself!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Worst use of an idiom. Ever.

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    2. I second that! Please tell us what healing she needs?

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  3. Why were u gathering all these evidences if u did not have a bad intention in the first place? It may turn around against you. The wife will believe her husband more than you. she will call you negative names, and you may end up gaining nothing from this your 'project'. Just let go and be a good lady yourself.

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    Replies
    1. I believe she gathered all this evidence for people like you who will later come out to castigate her and say there is no proof. She's a smart girl for sure and kudos to her for being wise and emotionally stable enough to gather evidence. Others would have let their emotions get the better of them.

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  4. let it go sweetie.. its not worth it.. u might end up doing more harm to urself than him..... let him be and be at peace. karma is a bigger bitch than you could ever be and its just waiting around the corner. sooner than later, he'll surely reap what he sowed...

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  5. I'm surprised at some of the responses here. A young lady enters into a relationship on good faith, discovers she has been taken for a ride and you lot deem it fit to cast aspersions on her character. I believe in karma but i also believe in taking practical steps. Indeed most nigerian men cheat and you can't fix it all.
    However, this is a man that is entrusted with the care of young children. He is a youth pastor that has no moral compass and I can bet you he will justify sleeping with a 13 year old girl.
    Write to higher up people in the church hierarchy, tell them what the pastor did to cover it up. You can remain anonymous. Somewhere up in the chain should be someone willing to address whether he should remain in charge of youths.

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  6. As for the wife, let go of your desire to revenge. Its not worth it and causes more harm than good. She might already know he cheats. If your only real intention is to help a sister out, send her an anonymous note along the lines of "girl i hope you practice safe sex".
    I believe that what you don't know can KILL you. All these men skinny dipping all over lagos and taking diseases back to their wives. Yet we advocate this cover up that eventually kills our women.

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  7. You've got serious issues.
    Why would you record phone conversations? Pictures?videos? Who does that?
    And now you're bitter you want to pull his wife into your mess.
    If you did tell his wife and she wasn't fazed, then what?
    Fact is you got played.Deal with it.Like someone said, go fix yourself.
    Be more careful when deciding who to have intimate relationships with in future.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You are wrong! I don't think she is bitter. The real question is who lies about their last name, having a wife, a kid? When you have people like that, then you also tend to have people who record phone conversations, pictures, videos etc.
      Putting it in a language you will understand, yes she got played, now he's about to get played himself!
      You get what you put out. If you serve dishonesty you'll get served right back, I believe some folks call that KARMA.

      Delete
  8. If you can send an anonymous post to the wife, that makes sense, but refrain from getting into a quarrel with her, and you definitely don't need to send her any of your "evidences". After that, you really have to leave this behind, you made a mistake learn from it and forgive yourself.

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  9. It doesnt look like you are trying to revenge here.
    I think you should let the wife know IF YOU ARE DOING IT FOR THE RIGHT REASONS tbh. STD's are real. If he wont stop cheating at least let the wife be able to protect herself.

    What the wife decides to do with it is her problem. I would also suggest anonymity before abgeros show up at your house.

    Finally, please move on dear. There is nothing wrong with you and you deserve much better.

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  10. awww It's unfortunate that he is such an ass!! excuse my french please. I feel like u feel bad for the wife more than u feel hurt and it just makes u more beautiful! It's really sad that a pastor instead of correct him and discipline him will encourage the act by covering up for him (in a way). It's really unfortunate

    I will say wisdom is key here. what will be the pros and cons of telling the wife? will it break their new marriage? will it make him change and remain a faithful man? how will u approach it? will u approach it in love and offer advice to her or are u just going to open deep wounds that may never be cured?

    - she might need to hear it for them and it's possible she might not need to hear it now.

    I will really pray about it if I was in your shoes. for most part, I will let it go, and if it still disturbs me I will pray for her and her man.. that's all.

    but telling can really help. i suggest u ask an older matured married woman for advice. he could change or she could walk away?

    all the best x

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  11. He decieved you so itz definitely not your fault dat u wer in an intimate relationship with a married man..I'll advice you let hez wife knw so she'll knw the kindof husband she has .send her anY evedence dat will convince a reasonable Person so Her husband won't be able 2 deny it . . Her husband's cheating on her is a problem and should be resolved

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  12. there is more than meets the eye in this story...
    well, sorry to her

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  13. My dear i'm sure his wife is aware dat he is cheating on her b/c u re not the first even b/4 he got married to his wife he was doin that. On most cases men dat cheat re lies, that is why u ve to be more careful before starting any relationship. If u should follow it up u will fineout dat he has slept with most of his church members. u sending all this things to his wife may not be news to her. My sweetheart pls let it go forgive ur self and be more careful. I know ur man is coming who will not make u shade tears but shawer u with love & happiness, some ladies don't care that is why dey find it hard to get a good and realiable man but u re honest u didn't want to caused ur fellow woman pains, for doin so "GOD WILL BLESS U" cheerup

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  14. The poor wifey already knows her hubby is a cheat. She may however need proof to enable her ensure mr. Youth pastor uses protection with. Please by all means send her the proof anonymously of course.

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  15. I understand perfectly as you didnt know. I once fell into this trap heavily and thank God i survived it....If i were you dear lady, i would confess to the wife and then God...that's all.In this situation its the only way you can get your self esteem back and bet it with me...you will feel more extremely relieved after doing this.Find time to get in touch with the wife face to face,or maybe you take an elderly person close to you along.

    By doing this she will also strike you off her prayer list.

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  16. sorry dear. some men are just bastards. excuse my french. Let it go. What goes around comes around. Maybe its ur head that would be worry him sef in future or the heads of all the girls he has done this kind of terrible thing to....its funny how things go wrong for people in life then they say "awon aiye". I bet if something major or terrible happens to the guy he wld be thinking its jazz from the village, forgetting all the ish and gbeke he brought on his own head

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    ReplyDelete

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