Wednesday, August 14, 2013

Dear Myne - He Married For Papers in the UK But Now Wants to Marry Me?

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Hi Myne, I was friends with Osi before he travelled but it was nothing serious, we even lost contact. We reconnected and started talking. Na him love enter the story we started Romancing. Fast forward to December he came home and lodged in a hotel so i went to meet him there, we talked gisted like old time friends and i left but as the detective wey i be i de try scan the environment for clues on his personality.


I had to travel while he was around so we did not see that much when it was almost time for him to go back i got my leave so he begged that i come to spend the night considering we hadn't spent much time together. I refused but after much thought i went to spend the night with him. He stepped out to be with some friends and i jumped to action trying to ransack his stuff, from used condoms in the bin to some messages on his fone and pictures on his laptop i started putting 2+2 together.

I liked him, he was a great guy but i dey do my own things with head so when he came back to the room i asked him what he wanted and if theres anything he feels i need to know and so on and we talked. He was sincere and said he sees a future. Me i went to bed in my jeans fully kitted, he also slept until i felt something poking me and i woke up. Oga wetn dey happen, he said we should “do”. I think say na joke na him we begin wrestle ooo till about 4am, i no gree. I told him i saw d used condoms he said thats a one-off its me he likes. I carried my bags and left in the morning laughing at the whole scenario.

He apologized and we continued our “undefined relationship” over the phone, He came visiting later in the year and after my detective rounds I realised he may have “married” for papers. I was devastated. I did not tell him point blank I had found out so i was enjoying his company and playing safe leaving him to do whatever he wants as i had nothing to loose.

He  started coming home about three times a year to see me and spend time buying me gifts and all. I liked him a lot but i did not loose guard still. He was always furious i wont let him sleep with me and still he would keep coming back to me.I even fooled him a couple of times into thinking he got through because he was so forceful.  I had my reservations about the whole relationship.

Things have gotten serious now and he is talking marriage in December. I keep asking him if theres anything i need to know and he says not at all but i want to be very sure that i am not mistaken with my assumptions. How do i ask him straight without it seeming like i intruded on his privacy because he knows i go through his stuff, he may even suspect i know but wants me to say it first.

I do not want any problem for my life, i know they do not live together, he paid her off to get his stay in the UK but i do not live abroad, i dont know how this things work. My sister says its no big deal that its what people do to survive abroad.  But i cant see myself as a second wife or a naija wife because thats what it will be, Who knows i may not be able to use his name or travel to the Uk with his name. He has asked me what i feel about living abroad on the other hand he says he is making plans to move back home. Not the one i will marry him and he will travel back and leave me alone in the Ikeja apartment he has rented the last time he came home.

TO ALL THE PEOPLE INVOLVED IN LDR-long distance relationship, Make sure you do your findings well.

How do i sort this issue once and for all, Is it ok to marry him still if he confesses to it believing its not harmful and he had to do the needful. I like him for who he is and not for what he has. I am employed and well to do. Abi make i just waka, i be correct Fresh fish, no time. Please who has been in this situation????






20 comments:

  1. I have not been in your situation, and I hope never to be. Why do women continue kurukere moves with men who are shady like this, and you're there doing detective. SO what has all your detecting done, you can't even tell him what you know. Anyway to your question sha, if he is legalley married in the UK, forget him or his fishy pali being part of any visa application you make, and unless he's divorced, your marriage is null and void in UK and even Nigeria unless you fit hold him with customary marriage law.

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    1. My dear i could not hv put the words better than u did. U are so correct. I don't know why in God's name why women hv refused to learn from others.

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  2. This man is shady. Please dont complicate your life.

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  3. You need to tell him what you think or know and hear his side. After that, you can make a decision. Not all men that married for papers are bad, na condition make crayfish bend you know?

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  4. You had your reservations abt him from the onset and you still do..
    You go through his things because you don't trust him..If you feel this way now that you guys re not married, Know what to expect when you get married......Whether he married for papers or condition..The fact remains dat the lady is his wife..don't go into a journey of frustration and regret..I feel if he's really genuine, he should be the one to tell you about all the details you found!....Confront him about your findings and listen to what he has to say...If you still feel disturbed or can't be at peace with yourself...like you said,,pls just waka ,,lol!!

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  5. My dear miss detective, don't allow ur self to be used. Me I can't write much bcos from ur letter, u hv even answered ur own question. A word they say is enough for the wise. All these comments above hv said it all. The voice of man, is also said to the voice of God. Wish u luck in life.

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  6. You are so silly. You did detective moves and went to bed fully kitted until you felt something poking you bla bla bla. He now said that we should do.
    You sound like a juvenile. What if he had raped you? Do you know that most rapes are committed by acquaintances and boyfriends?

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    1. lol, u sound like juvenile. My dear, don't mind Miss rambo. Me i hv learnt one word today, 'u sound like juvenile'.

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    2. he he he he

      my belle oh!

      is this lady for real? Grow up already! Mschewww
      Why do we women so like to deceive ourselves ehn kwa?

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  7. What I want to add is not everyone who marries for paper is romantically involved with the fake spouse. Some might end up shacking to keep up appearances though. People marry friends to help them and even relatives sef. So find out which side he falls into from him and confirm his story from others who know. Put your detective skills to use. Social media is your friend. The fact that he visits often means two of few things. Either he is really into you or your sex game is golden. I think he is into you. For a man to be frequenting naija from UK to visit babe it must be serious.

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    1. lol@sex game is golden!!!!!

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  8. its not worth it.

    Move on.
    There a trillion fishes in the ocean.

    Someone already said it best.
    If he is sincere, he should be one to tell you all about it - before you find out! For him to continuously tell you there's nothing...it is wrong.
    Even if it was in the past he ought to tell you.

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  9. Dear Ms Detective,
    I sense a state of delusion on your part.You already know the truth from your findings,so act right.....
    If he can't openly tell you his situation is in the UK,then understand,you're the 'Side Order'.

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  10. Hello Miss,
    A lot of times when we ask for opinion on issues like this, we know what is the right and wrong but choose the wrong then want people to either support us or knock sense into our heads, I'll do the latter.
    In the first place,a guy you are not yet running things with should not invite you to spend the night, at another time, you made him think he was doing the real thing, babe, I beg of you, please 'like' him with your HEAD and heart.
    You should stop second guessing him and talk to him frankly about your findings, you have a right to know, to make an informed decision about marrying him, december is just 16 weeks away dear, wake up!

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  11. I dont think he will travel 3 times a year to come and see you for nothing.. if he is not serious... many people who marry for papers like have been said above are not romantically involved with their "partners". Also you are not a kid.. you should know if your man is seeing someone, from the times he calls and picks your calls, if you skype as a "detective" you must have noticed the presence of a woman in the house..

    he may not have told you about his "arrangement" either because the time was not right or you may not have understood... If he is serious he knows the implications of marrying you - bigamy it is a criminal offence...

    you may want to speak with him to get his version of events and make your decision... but from what you say my opinion is that the guy is serious and into you cos there are many good looking chics of marriageable age in UK that are ready to marry the man and house him!!!!

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  12. You're shady - going through his stuff, letting him carry on a relationship knowing things about him, not defining the relationship, using sex and other things as games. He's shady too. From where I sit on top of my high high horse, I say you deserve each other. Marry him.

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  13. I choose to say DONT but we can only say at the end of the day what we say i bet will not deter you from what you feel is right. From my own experience as someone who lives in the UK it is so complicated and unles he is dovorced,you will NOT be entitled to nothing not even his name in life or in death.I know a wife back in Naija who is currently suffering because of all this paper marriage; find out are there any kids invloved? currently there is an oyibo lady at my place of work that the hubby travels to Naija like three times in a year and they have 1 child, I wont be suprised if na him knack you sha, Unless he is divorced in the UK if he is not-my dear be prepared for the biggest battle that will no doubt not end sooner or later-the say a word is enough for the wise. Also dont forget that most of the the so called paper wives have no idea that they are just being used for paper and the guy is upto something else-what goes around does come around- so you can work out that it may be that other person's turn today tomorrow it might be your turn to get played. I rest my case.

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  14. Ms as for me tell, him what you notice about or observed him cos marriage is batter for worse you know what l mean.

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  15. Woa! This kind of thing is still going on. As someone who used to live in the UK it's rather simple. He is most likely still married to the lady that helped him do her papers. More likely than not they have a child or a number of children. If he did not pay for the papers (as in both parties knew exactly what they had agreed and even when to file divorce papers) I can assure you that his paper wife (Caribbean or Oyibo) has no clue that he married her for papers only. If there are children involved and under 18 years then getting a divorce is out of the question because he will be taken to the cleaners so to speak.

    What does that mean for you.

    Clearly, he has become tired of hi oyibo or Caribbean wife and desires a good Naija girl. Who is well behaved and knows her place. In the current economic climate of the UK you need to be asking yourself serious questions. What exactly does he do that he can come three times a year because if he is working in formal employment then the annual leave time given in your contract is 21 days unless I am mistaken and it has changed. It may have since I left the UK.

    Also, why do you think he no wants to relocate to Naija. He will do a runner when he is good and ready. His paper wife will not know what hit her.

    In my candid opinion, if need to shine eye very well if you still want to enter this marriage because you will have not "legal" recourse within statutory law if anything where to happen. Everything will go to the wife and kids in the UK.

    If you are married under customary law, well, you should ask yourself is it worth it. What would happen to any children I may have. Will I ever be able to travel to London.

    As for these "away" yahoo boys. Their drama too plenty.

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  16. Gbam! Shikena!

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