Friday, July 12, 2013

Dear Myne - Two Men Want To Marry Me, Who Do I Choose?

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I am a 26 year old professional working in Nigeria who got in a relationship last year with a wonderful man who is another professional working in the UK. We met via a social network, he had actually been trying via this social network to contact me since 2010 but I just hadn't been interested at the time because I had just ended a year old relationship which had left me rather distraught.


We had loved each other desperately, or so I thought, but, he obviously loved his mum much more who, for some reason, did not quite want her oil-company-employed son to bring home any girl at his ripe age of 37!

He did plead for me to wait awhile so we could keep walking on egg-shells around his mum, fetting and petting her and I did until, he started to change and withdraw and I saw no reason to stay on.
Men can just be that weak when it came down to familial pressures of any kind.

So, there the guy in the UK was, emailing me, calling me (I still don't know how he got my number) and I wasn't budging.
And then, after a while, he stopped.

Fast-forward, 2012; this guy started to call again and it so happened to be the same person and, suffice to say that I was really in a more congenial predisposition to go into a committed relationship and that was how we begun.
I have to say, he has been a truly wonderful person.
And I totally trust him. Totally.
He did try to secure me a visa to visit but that was denied, whereupon he has visited Nigeria twice to be with me.

On the second visit, he decided he needed to tell his family about me and upon inquiries from his family, his father didn't like my place of origin, precisely, my hometown.
It so happened that they had been through a really rough time with a particular family therein who had been their in-laws and who proved to be the worst type of in-law any family would pray for one of theirs to marry into.
As it stood in any case, the marriage had only recently packed up with accusations of voodoo and witchcraft being labelled against the mother-in-law who eventually, as the allegations went, took the life of my boyfriend's mother.
Hence, they did not want to hear of it.

He did not tell me out rightly.
I just knew that something had happened and that he left Nigeria upset with his family but I couldn't place my finger on the reason until I asked a few days later that he tell me the truth about what occurred- which he did.
This opposition wasn't easy for me to bear as I had been in the boat before but he wouldn't hear of us going our separate ways.  The communication was still awesome, our plans were still rolling, albeit, a lot slower than it was supposed to be with him leading the pace with an alert feet on the brakes...

Then, I met someone else here in Nigeria.
I have to say, it was like fireworks.
I had never made such a connection at the first instance with anyone in my life, it usually took a couple of meetings and getting to know a person better.
However, this was different, mutual, reciprocated in far greater quantum and, I realised, it was the first time the person in question had ever felt this way about a woman in his entire life- as told by his family, friends and himself and to which they all attest to.
I played coy for a while, told him the truth about my relationship status- I had a boyfriend in the UK who I was in love with
(I did not need to "tell" him, he "saw"), would not quite show the fact that the likeness was mutual but then,
who was I fooling?
My attraction was probably glaring to all and sundry.
Bottom line is, we are in love.
And I'm in love with two men.
Two men who want to marry me and I cannot quite understand how I got to this spot.
I probably should not tell this because I am not going to go,
"Oh, Myne, what do I do?". No.
I do know what to do, but it is difficult.
Because it would mean that I would hurt one of them and they are such beautiful souls...
The one in Nigeria knows he may probably get the axe, but he's hoping and praying it'll work out for him- and I truly don't understand that type of love, or faith- I have often thought and wondered if it is possible he can hold this stance because he probably also has an option on the side and then, I realised, he doesn't.
I just pray God to direct me accordingly, the one in the UK is coming back and he says the opposition from his family's been lifted but I cannot help wondering;
Will they truly, wholeheartedly, accept and embrace me into their family?

Well, I hope the story wasn't a bore.
I also hope that in not too long a time, I send you a sequel to it which, here's hoping still, will be the story of... The process leading up to a union and then, another of the union proper.







14 comments:

  1. ...know what you want and go for it....we are always confused in life, because we simply don't know what we want...I hear people say they are in love with two people,it's really funny...The truth is we probably like what we see and find in the other person that is missing in our partner...In your case,you found a smooth sail in the relationship, compared to the opposition you found with the uk guy{his family's opposition}......Quit playing with their hearts..and decide on who you want..Also,a man might not trust you now and in the future,if they know you were double dating!!!.As for who to pick!!..The ball is in your court!..Though, am not married yet, but i have seen and realised...Marriage is more than goose bumps, attraction and all the lovey dovey....True love is tested and proved in time of challenges and trials..who you can love and will love you back when his family are against you, when there's no money...when you will be at your worse.......please choose wisely...!!...all the best!!

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  2. Ehh, she's not seeking advice is she? lucky girl. May God guide you as you choose :)

    An unsolicitated thought though..my priest is quite scathing about long distance relationships. He says when the couple have spent at least 6months in the same town/city or location then you can say you are serious. I have come to believe those views. do you know this guy well? Has his family started communicating with you yet? pray. pray. pray some more.

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  3. I'll advice you go for the second guy to avoid in-laws trouble in the future. Also you might end up having a long distance marriage if you marry the first guy and you are not given a visa to go and join him. Just weigh the options and think it through, i wish you all the best.

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  4. Gbam! Your head in correct @ the above anon. My dear listen n listen good, if you want peace in the future den swiftly drop the uk guy o cuz fam influence is strong o just like u faced it with mr 37 year old. Drop that uk guy n stop fooling yourself. In the future his fam will turn him against you and collect your kids so drop him n stick with the 2nd guy. Use your head not your heart cuz in marriage it gets to a stage that love is not enough.

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  5. I really like it when people get together and share opinions.
    Great website, stick with it!

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  6. I'll say you should go with the Nigerian based guy. If you're in a relationship and you fall in love with another man, it just simply means there was something missing from the first one. Besides, all that family drama before marriage is not just worth it.

    At the end, the decision is yours to make. Make it prayerfully and wisely. All the best.

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  7. I'll say follow your heart. And hold on tight to God.

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  8. you got it entirely wrong poster- your post is filled with contradictions, self chastisement and innuendos all aimed at discrediting your uk bf and finding justification for your naija boyfriend. I have your therapy but it will cost you :)

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  9. Bia, miss contradiction and innuendo, are you sure its the same story we're seeing here ur seein as well?
    Wetin dey contradict insyd there abi u get 6th sense wey dey undastand wetin we no fit see?

    The lady has stated quite plainly the situation she's in. She isn't soliciting for advice too- your opinion, however, isn't disallowed.
    I don't think she's discrediting her boifwend in anyway.... If anything, sef, she's made him sound really good.
    Please opine according to what the storyline is and not wetin you carry for mind abeg.

    My dear, use your head- the heart aint so smart :).
    That's all.

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  10. Lool-i see some1 attacking the fellow talking about contradictions and I think I totally agree. You claim to love your uk boyfriend but havnt painted him in that light tho-from this story I would say go with the naija guy but I truly think that's what you want to hear.I see true commitment from the uk guy even sticking up for you against his family and all he gets is "cheating"...well-no judging.its your life gurlie.From my point of view,the naija guy will never trust u even in marriage knowing u 2timed at some point...you seem to know what you're doin.Be sure to not regret your acts-All the best!

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  11. Please can I hear the therapy to this "fix".I'm quite interested cos I have a friend going through this now...

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  12. #####My dear, use your head- the heart aint so smart :)####-- Poster, you got it wrong again, do you wish you had heared ''go with the naija guy''?

    #####Lool-i see some1 attacking the fellow talking about contradictions and I think I totally agree. You claim to love your uk boyfriend but havnt painted him in that light tho-from this story I would say go with the naija guy but I truly think that's what you want to hear.I see true commitment from the uk guy even sticking up for you against his family and all he gets is "cheating"...well-no judging.its your life gurlie.From my point of view,the naija guy will never trust u even in marriage knowing u 2timed at some point...you seem to know what you're doin.Be sure to not regret your acts-All the best!#####-- You have just summed it up, brilliant piece! ####Please can I hear the therapy to this "fix".I'm quite interested cos I have a friend going through this now...#####---- The message said it would cost you :)

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    Replies
    1. I totally agree with you!!!!.

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  13. Poster! Poster!! Poster!!! How many times did i call you. Steer clear from the guy with family nonacceptance. Your man looks like someone who will always stand for you but even the best of them have a breaking point. RUN.

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