Monday, July 22, 2013

Dear Myne - My Husband and I Have Not Had Sex Since We Got Married

Posted in: ,

I’ve been married now for almost 3 years and my husband and I have never made love. I could say he was impotent but to be honest, I really do not know the reason why. We were both celibate and Christians before we were married, and it worked out for us as there was no pressure to go against our conscience.

After he proposed and we started marriage counselling, we began to discuss sex and he used to go into some small detail about how excited he was to be getting married, and especially to me, and some of the things we hoped to be able to do after we became man and wife.

I was a bit hesitant to talk so openly but I was glad he wanted and desired me. Also he initiated cuddles some months to our wedding so we could begin to get used to each other. We would kiss and fondle through our clothes and it was really lovely. Sometimes he was a bit erect, other times not so much, and he never pushed me to go further. I was comfortable with that because I truly believe that sex should only come after marriage.

Well, we did get married, and since then things changed. He used to be more touchy-touchy and hugging, but this has reduced drastically. On the night of our wedding, we didn't even try, he said he was tired. On our honeymoon of two weeks, we did try, but nothing much happened, sometimes he got a small erection but it never lasted enough to go in and he would just stop after that.

His reason was that he was stressed, and felt like I was expecting so much from him. I told him I wasn't. I am actually a virgin and other than my husband, there was only one other guy I had kissed and made out with before my marriage.

After we came back from the honeymoon, all affection just dried up. When I try to touch him, he moves away. And once we moved into the new three bedroom we got 6months after the wedding, he asked that we have separate rooms. That has been the death of our marriage, such as it was.

As you can imagine, this has caused a strain on our marriage. I care for my husband, but at this stage, he's more of a brother or friend to me, someone I share a flat with. I don't love him anymore.  I’ve tried talking to him about this, but I get nowhere. The most depressing apart is that when I try to ask for other forms of sex he walks away. His excuse is that if we do that, I would expect more and he didn't want to keep disappointing me. I’m not even allowed to see him naked. As a result, I have resorted to looking at porn.

Last month, I confronted him. My parents and his mother, though indirectly, were beginning to talk too much about their expected grandchildren that I couldn't be too blind to see what they were asking for. We had a blazing row, and harsh words were hurled. He later apologized, and for the first time confided in me that he had an STI which may have scared him about having penetrative sex. He told me to get off his case or divorce him. I thought about it but I just couldn't do that.

To make matters worse, both my husband and I are workers in the church. If I could, I would get out of this marriage without delay, but I feel trapped because of what our pastor and church members would say. How would I even tell them the reason for our divorce? Also, I feel like I've given so much to this relationship and I don't know how to start all over again. What of if the next man proves to be just as bad, or worse?

I’m 33 years old this year and sometimes, it's like my life is wasting away. I married with the hope of building a marriage of love with my husband, and having children. All those dreams have gone up in smoke. Only my career and church keeps me going, but the temptation is building to either damn it all and leave him, or have an affair. He travels a lot, so it's not as if I can't pull this off.

It's not that I have no more feelings for my husband. He has never been abusive to me. Only that he cannot offer the love and TLC that I crave so desperately and is not understanding to meet me halfway. My self-esteem is at an all-time low. I have gained over 20kg since I got married because I feel totally undesirable. I just do not know what to do.


  1. I strongly suspect that you married someone who is in the closet. after ruling out medical issues, I would ask him point blank about prior sexual history. If he doesn't want to talk, I would walk

    In any case, you guys have not consunmated the marriage so you get an annulment not a divorce. No need for affairs.

    Separate bedrooms ke? This man is not feeling you at all!

  2. oh I see the guy has given you an ultimatum eh? I am now 100% sure he's in the closet. As for divorce, you are not married as you have not consunmated the marriage, I would say this is my humble opinion but I think the law sees it that way. If you get an annulment, it's pretty much saying your marriage never happened. Even if I wanted to be wicked, I would get it on grounds of fraud. psshw.

    As for worrying about the next man, Kiss him and kiss him hard. If no erection, keep stepping.

    1. Myne, I have always loved reading your blog and want to comment most times, but feel reluctant. However, I do think my input will be of some value to other readers on this case.
      I truly empathise with the author and understand cos I have been there before. seven years ago, at the age of 29, I married a man who "presumably" loved me. We have 2lovely girls together, but he has only slept with me on 8 occasions! Unlike the author of this post, I was not a virgin when I got married. I got married at the prime of my youth to a man whom I have to literally beg all the time to sleep with me.
      I felt so useless and worthless, tried talking to him, talk to my in-laws, all to no avail. At the age of 36, I realised he was never going to change and I knew there was no way I could spend the rest of my life in bondage. He had even stopped sharing our matrimonial bed, if my body touches his at night, I could feel him cringe. He sleeps on the edge of the bed and bought his own duvet so we don't have to share. Trust me, that is not a situation you ever wish even on your worse enemy.
      I thought about what my family would say, what my friends would say and lastly what my church would say. Like the author, myself and my husband are very strong and devoted workers in my church. Then I realised that I was the one living in this bondage and even though his family knew about my frustrations(I never complained to my own family) and my pastor knew about it, there was really nothing they could do. I went to God in prayer and told Him that he said in his word that he is the husband to the widow and that am a widow as far as am concerned. Mind you, this husband of mine does not provide for me or the kids. I know some pple will find this hard to believe, but it is the truth and I have never really explained to anyone in details until this forum.
      So, I started looking for a house and moved out with my kids. As usual, the church started raising its head and rebuking me for leaving my matrimonial home. The only answer I had for anyone who called me was that "I know what I went through in my marriage and if I decided to leave with my kids then they should know I have had enough".
      Yes, they came with all sorts of Bible verses about how God hates divorce blablabla. And I referred them to the bible story of Judah, his sons and his daughter-in-law(Tamara). God hated the evil of Judah's son towards Tamara so much so that He(God) slew him. I did not have to open my mouth to say a single word in my defense. Somehow, the truth started unraveling itself and people started seeing what was happening in my marriage without me saying a word.
      I have been on my own with my kids for over 7months now and I have never one day lacked for anything that I need. I have always been hardworking and now I have doubled my efforts. Initially, people thought I left my marriage for another man and they have secretly been monitoring me. But they have seen that all I do is go to work, come home, take my kids to school and back. That is why I am a very tough and loud voice for all women to be financially capable.
      Please no one should castigate this lady for what is happening, it is not her fault and will never be, even in the next world to come. Someone said in one of the comments that she should not be coming to a forum like this to say what happened in her marriage and that maybe she is even acting the victim. To that fellow, I have this to say, "You can never judge someone until you have worn their shoes". You don't even have to walk in their shoes, just wear the shoes for a minute and feel it!
      Just like her, I did not have any sexual intercourse with my husband till after marriage. I will not be making that mistake again.
      To the author I have this advise, "Learn to love you, no one can ever love you better than you love yourself. Whatever is happening is not your fault, you deserve happiness. Whatever you decide to do, know that YOU DO NOT OWE ANYBODY ANY EXPLANATION!!!

  3. This is a tough one. Why did he not tell you about the STI before marriage. And what has he got? It look like he is not willing to work on it. Try to talk him into seeing a doctor if he wont go for it babe suck it up and get an annulment. The marriage has not been consumated i should think that is enough reason.
    Stop thinking about what people will say or you will remain in that marriage a virgin for the rest of you life. Your hubby is the one with the problem so please stop over eating. You might have to find a new man. And it will not be the end of the world.

  4. Sweetheart, your husband is gay. I know people who've had similar experiences. Just like your husband is doing, their husbands also hid under the cover of 'church'. How can you still be a virgin after three years of marriage? How absurd.

    Get an annulment quickly and get on with your life. And please, while you might not want to sleep with a man before marriage due to your religious beliefs, be sure to make out properly with your next romantic partner before you get hoodwinked again.

    Good luck.

  5. This is not an STI matter. There is more to this action.......3yrs.
    The bad thing is he knew he was never gonna hv sex with U all d cuddles were for reassurance.
    Firstly, start dieting, exercise regularly, join a gym. Dress up everyday like U really are going smwhere special, look at urself in d mirror and love urself. Take to urself.... U r fearfully and wonderfully made, d Lord has good thoughts for U, U r beautiful, U r desirable.
    Secondly, U should b the one giving the ultimatum, tell him to come clean on this matter and U r honestly tired of waiting...... Let him know U also plan to call a family meeting ot involve ur main pastor as U like it, if U r clise to his mum just let her know quietly. Let ur family know too, its inhouse matter but ur family is impt, they will ask questions.
    Then U jejely separate and gradually sign your divorce papers. Before then U need to have gotten your own accomodation and financial independence. U dont even need to let him know all these.
    Its annoying he is giving U an ultimatum.....o di egwu.
    You are desirable!!!

  6. I don't think he sounds gay. I think he had a little something on the side. If he truly has an STI what is it and why the hell wouldn't you ask no demand to be told what it is. If your church looks down on you then find another one. You shouldn't be miserable to please someone else. Their are thousands of churches in the world and if they all look down on you so what?? If they really are Christian they'll all go to hell for judging you anyway.

  7. Errrrrrrmmmmm, if truly you are a Christian and all that long story, talk to your pastor or pastors wife, or whoever is in charge of couples counseling. I also know there are Christian ministers in Lagos who specialize in counseling couples like you. Try this website: it is run by a Nigerian in nigeria.
    Finally if your husband doesn't want to do all this, call his mother and let her know that children don't jump on people and that her son has not touched you since the day you got married!

  8. STi could also mean HIV so be very careful unless you don't mind getting an incurable ds from your hubby. It also possible that he has erectile dysfunction and is ashamed but Viagra can help with that so h or you can get prescription from you GP. Finally it'sYOUR LIFE a gift from God to live fully, if you husband isn't willing to work on the problems then like others mentioned get an annulment, you are 33 already the sad truth is that if you want children you don't have much more time. Stop worrying but what others will think they are not God. All the best.

  9. Did you not say you had marriage counselling? I'm guessing you had this with your church? Well, did your church not have you both take STD tests as part and parcel of this counselling? He may be hiding something from you that has nothing to do with an STD to be honest, did he tell you he was a virgin before you got married? Really consider getting a divorce, or ask him to come with you for STD testing (to see how he reacts and if he is telling the truth).

  10. Your husband is selfish. He will not change. You will continue being miserable.
    33 is not the end of the world. Get yourself on a weight loss regime for your own health. Even if tries to touch you now, refuse. Ask him to get a clean bill of health from the doctor. Stop the porn please.
    You have two options. One is to pray and ask God to change him and all that. Second is to have the marriage annuled. God will understand. In fact, dust your old testament and go on google. Your situation is not addressed in the NT but in the jewish laws is a clause regarding consummation.
    Living a churchy life is no match for living in tune with God. You said too many things about church that seem like eye service.

  11. Do you go to on of those churches that require HIV tests before the wedding? If so maybe he found out he was +ve and was somehow able to keep the truth from you.

  12. This man is a deceiver. If he had a STI you should have been notified of this when things got serious, before you marry, so you could decide if you wanted to be with someone with a lifelong sexual disease. That alone is cause for an anullment.

    No wonder some people swear they have to test it before they get married. Make sure you look before you buy next time. See what he has and make sure he can maintain and erection, get your blood works done so you know where you both stand disease-wise. He sold you a dream, and you are living a nighmare.

  13. In my opinion, ur hubby is a selfish man. He knew he had "sti" and he dint say anytin abt it. He decided 2 tell u afta u guys quarrelled n he even had d guts 2 tell u 2 divorce him??? Den again, he could b gay o. D fact ur married doesn't mean its not possible. Listened 2 d radio dis evenin n sum1 called in, said he's close 2 50, married with kids, n has bin gay 4 ova 10yrs. Hmmm. My dear, u gotta dig deeper.

  14. on this gay issue, here's a youtube short with something similar

  15. He may or may not be gay, but you tried your best to fix the marriage. Marriage takes two and he does not make you happy nor does he care about your happiness. I'm sorry for my bluntness. Move on, find yourself someone who will love and treat you the way you want to to be treated. You deserve happiness and you are the only person who can make it happen.

  16. Firstly,I tink dis man his impotent cos i tink d man should ask more abt dis.2 my own opinion,dere's notin under d sun he had even giv u d ultimatum 2 divorce or leave him.u owns ur life.u can force urself 2 him.make a quickly decision b4 it's 2uu late.(TIME IS GOING)I suggest u leave him&find another man cos i'v seen u're 2uu much endure abt it.settle wit anoda man 2 enjoy ur life.

  17. I want a happy home 4 u cos u've tried a lot.find another man 2 continue ur life.

  18. There's something wrong with him. Either he's a gay or is impotent or believes in self pleasure. Men who are involved in these things are always not interested in being intimate with the opposite sex, havin sex with a lady makes uncomfortable and stressed out. You have kept quiet enough, stand up to him and ask him the exact reason why he is doing this , if he gives you stupid Ansas, honey you need to tell people; that will provoke him to bring out his real self. If it yields nothing , DIVORCE.

  19. You aren't gettin any younger, tell all the family members.

  20. This one pass me o...

  21. nne, i believe he's gay.. the STI gist is a cover story.. he's not the only man that has had an STI before...he just had to marry to cover up especially since he's a church person. this happened to my friend.. exact same story..
    i think u should pray seriously for divine revelation, for the deep and secret things hidden in darkness to come out.. then take a walk.. it would hurt but if u no longer love or desire him, u'll find it easier to move on.. i wish u the very best nne. God is on ur side.

  22. Honey leave dat dude,he is either GAY or IMPOTENT!!!

  23. first of all, go into a period of prayer and fasting so God can reveal the real reason for his me i know what am saying cos we have had cases of marriages that were spiritually manipulated from the wedding night.e.g cos of the spirit wife, the husband will always smell an offensive odour anytime he wants to sleep with the wife and for a yr after marriage did not touch her till deliverance came.....if spiritual problems is ruled out then talk to both families so they can find out his cannot continue to live under that condition when you are not at fault....if he had a problem and did not tell u b4 marriage then its fraud and i do not think God will hold you accountable......pls dont aggravate your problem by putting on more weight that will be hard to shed later...hold your head up and trust God it will pass, we all have challenges in diff areas but trust me this too will pass.....

    1. hmmm I had previously commented to the contrary but as my mother's daughter I would say you might be right. However, it takes two to tango. I have a friend who had a similar experience with his wife who would refuse to have sex with him and cry that she would be punished if she did. The man took over and every minute would declare over her "I am her husband" and pray for her.
      There has to be a recognition of the problem and a joint desire to overcome it. That is not here. Unless he has some spiritual cobwebs blocking his mind oh.

    2. That is true love o. Most husbands would just flee. We need to understand that everyone has different backgrounds and have had different experiences, this is why we all need God. The husband has to go to the hospital to get treated for the std if that is truly his problem though. It could be a simple thing, he might be embarrassed at not being able to get it up. But there has got to be a way forward, I pray honestly that God shows them the way forward but they can only see it if they are praying.

  24. He may or may not be gay
    What is the sti? Both of you go to the hospital together so that you can know what it is.
    You say he is like your brother, you can't be afraid of talking to your brother
    Are you talking to your husband, why not, are you afraid of him?
    No transparency and you call that a marriage! You are not in a church, you go someplace where you can act every sunday.
    Do you have any idea what a church is.

    Stop the pity party already and stand up, you now need to prove to me that you are an adult. You are going to be responsible for children someday soon, is this how you intend to behave?
    I repeat, you don't get into a marriage with someone you cannot talk to and someone you care nothing about, you need to start talking to him and stop eating your feelings.

    You should have been praying before you got married but since you're past that, you should be praying real hard.
    Let me recommend a pastor you can talk to. Some people are professional pastors and they won't be able to talk to you or provide any sound advice. Look for Pastor Ituah Ighodalo, call him and visit him along with your husband: he will probably be able to help you break down the communications.

    Be ready to live your life, Jesus did not give you life so you can come and play on the earth, He wanted you to live in purpose. Pray real hard before the counselling, after the counselling and during the counselling, you don't need wrong moves now, you need to follow God and His instructions but for that you need to pray. Tell your church to mind their business. Since they couldn't help you before this marriage, i doubt that there is anything they can do for you other than create confusion.

    Does your husband pray? what kind of Christian is he? Tell him this is no time for shame, you both have to talk so that you can know where you stand. If he ever knew God, tell him to talk to God and stop playing church because that is what both of you have been doing. Get to know God.
    If possible, see a doctor to be sure that he doesn't have premature ejaculation or he will suffer in shame forever. Both of you see a doctor who can talk to you both about these issues.

    By all means, you should be communicating with your husband. As selfish as he is, he is not a beater if not your head would be bowed in shame and you would never dare seek help. If you need me to talk with you. Send me and email address through which i can reach you.

    Sweetie, you can't live life alone and i understand church life, we are great actors but everyone has their support system and you should have yours also. By all means choose joy. Or your exercising won't work. Choose joy. Choose joy. Choose joy.

    Jeremiah 29;11 God has good thoughts towards you.

  25. Your husband is either a) Impotent, b) has an STD/STI/HIV/AIDS, or c) is a closeted homosexual man.

    For impotence, there are medications out there that can help. If he has an STD/STI/HIV/AIDS, it was YOUR RESPONSIBILITY to find that out before marriage. Couples need to obtain their medical histories before marriage so that there are no surprises. Even though you are married now, you can still take your darling hubby to a doctor for a thorough physical.

    If he refuses to get a medical exam, or comes up with another excuse, then you better believe the man is gay.

    With that knowledge, only you can decide what to do next.


  26. What's Right/WrongAugust 10, 2013 5:19 PM

    I understand your story and empathize with you, however, the fact that you chose this forum is an indication of your immaturity. I don't mean to be blunt but maybe this is what you need right now. We, the readers, don't even know your husband's side of the story or even if you are completely forthright in the information that you have given to paint this picture.

    Every logical thinking person knows that people will always paint themselves as the victim or make themselves look more righteous than the other and unless we get a rebuttal from your husband it's merely your side of the story against his.

    Truth be told, you and your husband knew what your were getting into and I personally won't believe you if you say you did not. As for bringing God into this...I don't feel you truly believe God or even believe in him or you and your mate would have had these candid conversations prior to marriage.

    So because you, a 33 yr old woman, choosing this type of forum, looking for advice, the advice........find the real you first..if you are honest with yourself and God this can happen at any moment. Next, be honest with your husband, tell him how you feel, what you'd like to see in the marriage and what you are willing to give as a wife. Explain your thoughts of infidelity because you as a woman were made to love and be loved. Ask him about how he really feels about you, about sex, about love & commitment, about children and if he thinks the relationship is truly a REAL marriage. Stop posting your feelings online and start talking honestly and lovingly to your husband. You may have to do this with counseling if he's willing.

    Like I said earlier only you & your husband know the truth about your situation and know Pastor, Pastor's wife and even counseling will change that..only you and your husband have to be willing to change...unless you both feel there is no wrong being done to each other.

    Without Faith it is impossible to please God. If God's not pleased what makes you think that you will be please.

    1. Unnecessarily harsh comments!

    2. Unnecessarily harsh and it would have made more sense if you had chosen to ignore. Apparently you have never been in a situation where you have no one to talk to or issue is seriously affecting your state of mind that you just want to share with anyone who will offer assistance. So i am taking it your life is perfect. You call a 33 years old immature cos she chose a forum where she is hoping anonymous people will offer advise not cos she cannot get it from her church but you never know where the help will come from?? How mature of you to not know what to say and when silence would have played a better part!

  27. i feel your husband knew his status before getting married therefore your marriage was based on deception. I'll advice you seek counseling, i once heard from a pastor that any marriage based on deception from inception never held in the sight of God. Stop thinking of what people will say if you divorce because you are a worker in church. Please do not consider the extra marital affair, you might think it the best option now but i can assure you that you will regret it later. You need to be prayerful and seek Godly counsel.

  28. Buy alomo and throw in some sildenafil citrate.(maybe not the alomo but you get the picture)
    Make sure he's home that day.
    If he does not make a move, then consider some of the suggestions already given above. (esp involving his mother)
    He might just be insecure about his ability and if his story is true must have picked up an STI while soliciting.
    A weak erection has no time for safe sex prohylactics so the STI story could be true.
    He might still be carrying so getting tested is a good idea.

  29. I feel pity for the author. Pls dis is a very critical situation ur in and u need all d support, be it spiritual, moral and otherwise. I will pray for u and ur husband. But u're the author of ur success if u believe. Take some time out and talk to God. You don't neccessarily need a minister. Remember ur of a royal priesthood. You seperating from him might get him to do a reality check, but u need God right now.

  30. Contact me on my private email and i'll tell what to do

  31. Crap!!!! Divorce the dude. The marriage is based on absolute deception. He is not willing to meet you halfway and the worst type of battle to fight is the one where the other party is not even trying. Trust me, you will not be getting a divorce but an annulment. Your church will understand. You have no right being in that type of marriage. Marriage is for procreation and friendship. He is giving you none. That kind of relationship you have with him, you can have with a neighbour or even a brother. Pls do not confuse marriage obligations with him. You owe him none. He has not fulfilled his part of the bargain so walk out while you still can. For better for worse only comes to play if there has been a shared form of covenant. Nothing holds you both together.

  32. The gal who hasn't had sex in 3 years is not alone, I've been married 45 + years and only had sex once that was our wedding night. Back before we were married we never had sex and life wasn't a liberal as today. Back then things like anything to do with sex wasn't talked about ever, you lived with who you had. I did and put up a good front, even though I became depressed and not wanted. He had no interest in any thing that had to with sex or intimacy. He worked midnights, all holidays, never took vacation, weekends any thing to be away from me. He lived his entire married life in the basement and really never talked to me. I don't know what went wrong and why all the hostility toward me. To him I don't exisit I'm just somebody who lives upstairs, like apartment dewellers who just pass by each other once in a while. He shows nothing to suggest hes gay or has someone on the side. I really don't know who would show interest in him any way, he has long straggly hair and disgusting long beard. He always dresses in old clothes where I think he bought at garage sales. In other words he looks like a slob. We don't have much money for me to move on an I guess I don't really care any more. Were in our upper 60s now and my life has been ruined and I've accepted that fact that nothing will change. I died years ago.

    1. Not sure if you'll read this, but your story is so sad! Listen, there's always hope! As long as you're alive, there's hope. Please choose to come alive again, if not for yourself, then at least for the people around you, the people that you walk past each day. Please take courage- get out of the house, join a group/church/social club, talk to someone, get a new hair do, new perfume, get your face/nails done, reconnect with people you once knew, go to the library, take a different way home, buy some flowers, listen to some music that you like, go for a concert, take a painting class, go to a beauty salon and just sit and talk, go to the park, get a small pet, volunteer iwth homeless people, etc etc. You have so much to give, even though you don't realise it. There is so much more to live for, in spite of where you're coming from. Please live again. Breathe, smile, and live!

  33. bring a vibrator and fcuk him up his ass. am sure he would love it and would want it more.

  34. Leave him. Leave Him. Leave him. Find another job - outside your church and once you leave him find another church, cos you will need support in your newly single life. This happened to me. I have no children, no life, and have gained as much weight as you have. Leave him. Talk to your parents and silbings and friends - as embarrassing as it is, and leave him. I didn't do it and I wake up each morning wishing I was dead.

  35. Can I simply say what a relief to discover a person that
    actually understands what they are talking about online.
    You certainly know how to bring a problem to
    light and make it important. A lot more people need to read this
    and understand this side of the story. I was surprised you aren't more popular
    given that you surely have the gift.

    Look at my web site Does Jump Manual Really Work


Click Post a Comment to share your thoughts, I'll love to hear from you. Thanks!

*Comments on old posts are moderated and may take sometime to be shown. That's just because I want to see them and respond to you if necessary.