Monday, July 8, 2013

Dear Myne - Is He Planning To Ask Me To Marry Him For My Money?

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My boyfriend and I have been dating for nearly a year now and because we agreed it was a serious relationship from the outset, we both know it may be time to take the next step and start discussing marriage. I am 26years old and ready, can't wait to move out of my parents house and start making my own home.

My boyfriend lives in a one bedroom apartment in a nice area and I won't mind moving in with him there after the wedding. However, during our last discussion on finances, he mentioned that he would want us to move into a bigger place, probably a three bedroom, immediately after we get married if not before.

In fact, he has sent me several pictures and links of places his estate agent has him looking at to ask me what I think. This would be great, and I would be over the moon that he is consulting me, and factoring me and my opinion and convenience into his future plans, except for one thing. Though he has a cushy job, these apartments are way beyond his pay grade!

Is this his style of saying he would want me to be contributing to the rent after we're married and move in together? Because that is the only way he would be able to afford such an expensive home is with a double income, his and mine. I have a job with a good salary so it's not as if I'm not capable, but what about other expenses in the home, what about savings?

And forgive me if I'm traditional, but I expect the man to be head, and to at least pay whole sale for our family's accommodation. Also, I'm not even the one asking that I want us to move to a bigger place, or such fine addresses, he's the one, so shouldn't he foot the bill? I feel uncomfortable that it seems he sees me as some sort of cash cow, and he's with me so that our combined income can lift him to a higher socio-economic class.

Another thing that is bothering me is that he has not even proposed! I can't help but feel like he's using this to test me. Like if I pony up the money, then he'll know I'm committed and then propose, and if I refuse, that would be end of the relationship.

I like him, but this is bothering me so much. Do you think this issue is something that can be worked out?


  1. Why are you whining? A couple should combine their finances together and when you can have two incomes, it makes it easier for both of you. If you feel he's been a spendthrift, then hash that out with him.

  2. If he hasn't proposed what is the point of this letter then? Why are you axious to move out of your parent's home and start one of your own when there is no marriage in sight?

    In any case, helping to pay a portion of mortgage is not a bad idea. In the event of a breakup you would have more security in getting your 50% share of the value of the house, especially if you keep good records.

    At the end of the day no advice given here is of any importance because you will have to speak to your partner and let your feelings known. In truth, there is no reason for a new couple starting out in life needing a 3 bedroom home to rent. That moeny should be saved to buy a home of your own. Nobody wants to be a lifelong renter, better to live modestly and grow instead of starting high and cannot go any further in life.

  3. Since he Has not Propose to You,How Sure are you that he wil Get Married to YOUU after Renting the New Place??? U need Counseling dear,Many Con Men in the Name of Marriage.

  4. I quite agree with the two comments above.....Also,Communication plays a vital role in a relationship...why not just tell him how you feel???...and your fears that you both probably don't need such luxury now!.....try to work and improve on the relationship aspect of the relationship!!...Most importantly, Love is all about sharing and giving [ as far it's mutual}....There's nothing in contributing your share in any project or needs {that's if you guys will be starting your family}...The most important thing is that the guy is not lazy, and he has a job....There's no law that says a woman should not contribute financially to the needs of the home....Quit worrying and just learn to talk and voice out your fears and concerns to him

  5. you are in such a hurry to move out from your parent's house. okay then marry him and see. there is nothing wrong with combining incomes but there's something off about this setup you have written about

  6. Are you sure he knows how to manage money well? Because from what you've said it does sound like he's trying to live large on your purse. If you have to pay rent, I believe it should be an equal amount from the two of you and if he can pay all, even better. He should be more focused on making more money so that one day he can live that type of life, but for now he cannot afford it. You seem to be better at managing money as he's obviously not thought about savings and how much other bills and future children will cost. Also, a benefit of starting small or with what you can afford is that you can save to buy your own place. You can't rent forever! What about old age when you're retired? This man will still be looking for how to maintain his above-his-means lifestyle and get frustrated with you once you can't pay up. Think about these things. He wants to rent an expensive apartment and he hasn't even thought about the wedding expenses, bills, savings, children etc? Oh my goodness!

  7. OK, am i the only problem who doesn't see a problem here? At least, not a problem requiring a Dear Myne. U r immediately jumping on suspicion b4 u even talk it over with ur bloke and at least hear him out. Haba na. Na so??? Look oh, marriage is not beans. If na like dis u want start, na u go run oh. Talk with ur man, for christ's sake. Ask him why is he showing u houses b4 proposal & dat even if u guys r getting married, u feel itz not a worthy investment to make now. Kai, wahala dey oh. Na so dis poor man will probably have accusations of "u married me for my money" thrown as his face in years to come. I tire.

    Why won't u contribute to rent? See women of nowadays. enjoying the fruits of feminism but not wanting to bear d burden. If u both work, u cant have him carrying it all alone, unless he is able to. Even so, u still have to chip in. But again, daz secondary to this accusation of marrying u for ur money. Am not comfortable with it cha. I think u need to settle dat first within urself b4 u bring this man into ur life and have proving things he doesn't need to

  8. Maybe I see where she might be coming from. if she can foresee a future where she is breadwinner and doesn't think she can cope with it...then its alright for her to be worried. this is also the time to communicate communicate communicate. How has your dating relationship been? does he make an effort in his own right or has he set this trend already?
    prayerfully discuss and trust your instincts. and of course you need to be planning a marriage together first not house.

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