Thursday, June 20, 2013

Dear Myne - My Husband is Controlling and Talks Down to Me

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I have been married for about 4yrs. I really did’nt know him very well before we got married. I knew him from church as a good guy. He is a very good christain and prayerful. The problem is he complains about everything I do, I am expecting our 2nd baby even when I was pregnant with our 1st child I told him I don’t want him to be in the hospital with me because he never has anything good to say to me only finding faults.

I never have peace of mind, he tells me everything to do, he doesn’t want dirty dishes in the sink. He is just very controlling, abusive and insensitive with words and I always tell him. I use to think because he was a religious person maybe he is not used to how to treat a woman, and I will get marriage posts and send to him.

Some things he tries to change, but he still treats me badly, talks to me anyhow and I am not used to people disrespecting me, how much more the man I am married to. We quarrel all the time,I cry all the time and really miserable. I can’t communicate with him, he always shut me up, so these days I try to keep to myself even if things are going bad. He talks down at me, supports outsiders over me.

I am a young woman and can’t live like this for the rest of my life, my happiness is very important to me even if it means me leaving the marriage. He is a good person but not a good husband, I really want to leave him so he can find someone that can make him happy since I can’t. I want to leave him early so he can find someone else in order for me to move on with my own life.

I don’t have a job , I am just thinking how can I move on and survive on my own with my kids.

Pls kindly give your constructive advice.

Thanks






28 comments:

  1. dont leave wait and pray. kpele dear

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  2. Well its obivious dat it isn't everyone that goes 2 church dat is a christain or bornagain. Advice 2 u dear is to keep praying since you said he's a nice person I believe he will change. And wen the abusive words come n the quarrels even if your not at fault, keep saying "am sorry" GOD will see you through

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  3. Leaving should not be the first choice. He seems willing to change. Continue sending him to marriage blogs and articles. If possible go for couselling together. I'm sure you're not a saint too so check your own character.

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    1. foolish comment. she should check her own character. are you one of those that believe that if something bad happens to you, you must be living in sin.

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  4. Such a mean man will rarely change, I wish you the best.

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  5. U can't be talking about leaving when u haven't got a job, my dear? Leave how? Leave where? Alimony no dey Naija oh. Child support, u fit enforce am? So, goal number one shldn't be leaving. Goal number 1 shld be empowering urself financially. Who knows maybe itz becuz u r dependent on him daz y he doesn't respect u. Some men are like dat. So, my dear, as soon as u can, get a job!!!! Or learn a trade (u ddnt say ur educational qualification). Stop being at ur husband's mercy. U hve no bargaining power this way.

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  6. i am with Ugo Chime on this one. you have to get a job or be empowered by learning a trade or something. the moment you start earning or making money start saving. www.secretlilies.com

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  7. Like others have said, get a job first, and then save enough. All the while, forget the divorce mindset and concentrate on repairing your relationship with hubby.

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  8. Talk to the pastor of your church and see if he can intervene on your behalf. And also perhaps the pastor's wife (or a respected female church leader) so that there will be a woman's perspective as well. Good luck.

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  9. I have really seen that this institution called marriage does not really favour women, look at what a woman has to swallow and go through just to succeed in her marriage, if not she will be called a failure.

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  10. Leaving should not be an option as long as he doesn't physically abuse you......I recomend you try to take the matter to another level, invite his mum n ur mum, then the 4 of you sit in a room together and you lay everything on the table, that your next line of action will be to leave him and move on with your life.

    another thing you may want to think about is getting a job, maybe he treats you the way he does out of resentment of the fact that he provides all your needs including sanitary pads, you need to wake up and get a life.

    I wish u all d best.

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    Replies
    1. You are saying she shouldnt be thinking about leaving as long as he doesnt physically abuse her..Why? Do not underestimate mental and emotional abuse.. it can do a lot of harm on long term not only on her but also her children.. he is an example for them of how a man should be.. they learn that from him...

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  11. Please walk away. He is not about to change, except for the worse. Abuse should not be tolerated or enabled; and that is what is happening. The fact that he hasn't physically hit you (yet) doesn't mean you should be grateful for this level of abuse.

    You met him in church. Big deal! Control freaks attend church too. I've seen a pastor be as horrific to his wife, as you have just described. Nothing his wife does is good enough. He tells her EVERYDAY how useless she is. One day, he told her "If I curse you, you will be walking on the road, and a car will crush you to death" - yes, those exact words. What was her offence? She served breakfast late. This is a tip of the iceberg that is 'her marriage'. She met him in church. He is a pastor. It is from an unchecked handshake that an unsolicited hug emerges. Don't say because he hasn't hit you, it is not 'as bad'. Everyone knows that women react to words.

    Nobody who is telling you to 'stay and pray' or some of the gibberish 'churched women' are encouraged to do, will feel the hurt along with you.

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    1. abeg don't be too quick with this walk away advice. I'm an advocate of woman rights and can't stand half of the things that Nigerian women go through. However, we are all different beings with different background circumstances. Do you know how many Nigerian women would love to walk away? But they can't because sometimes it is like going from frying pan to fire. She has one child, another on the way, no job and you just yarn "please walk away". Do you live on mars?
      How about telling her to empower herself first and see if things will change. If things don't change at that point, then she can consider the next step. We shouldn't be so quick to throw marriages under the bus.
      This woman needs to change her mindset first. Stop idolizing his christianity. Stop being meek, study the bible well, submission is not foolishness. If you can, let people he looks up to know what he is doing. Some men really think that's the godly way to treat a man and they need to be corrected. Lastly when you have empowered yourself financially and otherwise, give him an ultimatum.

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    2. *godly way to treat a woman

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  12. Its amazing how people are quick to give bad advice! You hear only one part of the story and you jump into conclusions.

    I dont blame all of you though. I can only blame the lady who decided to wash her dirty linen in public.

    You should ask yourself what makes a man controling. While i agree that there are a few bad eggs, I can confirm that every man's dream is a woman he wouldnt have to supervise. All a man wants is a woman who is ontop of her game.

    If your husband doesnt like something, then dont do it.

    Why would a woman who has no job have dirty dishes in the zinc by the time her husband gets back from work? What could she posibly have been doing all day?! What is so dificulty in clearing the zinc before your husband comes home since you know he doesnt like it? SMH

    I think the woman need to check herself and her character and the man may be better off without her... She wanna quit because the guy is controlling. Whats the gaurantee that the next guy she marries wouldnt break her head for being so lazy!

    Why marry in the first place if you are so eager to quit? There is obviously more to the story.

    Strange times indeed!

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    Replies
    1. That she doesnt work for money doesnt mean she doesnt have other WORK to do.. maybe she is studying.. maybe she is extremely busy with her first child and maybe her husband comes home at a time when the dishes simply couldnt be washed up yet? I had this exact problem. My baby was very needy, I was still suffering from the c section I had, AND on top of that I was pregnant. Not every woman has easy pregnancies.. I always try to do the dishes before he comes home but sometimes im just way too tired of WORKING all day even if I dont have a PAID job that the dishes are the last thing I am thinking of.. even if he hates it so much my baby and my health comes before dishes.. thank you very much

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  13. I take offence with your statement "a woman who has no job have dirty dishes in the zinc by the time her husband gets back from work?" Please, if she had gone to the market nko.
    Biko people, don't be too much in haste to type nonsense in the name of comment.

    Except you are wearing a shoe, you would never know the exact point it hurts. My candid opinion is to take some time to pray seriously and WATCH. I am strong believer in the power of prayer but please be sensible and sensitive. Try all means to communicate with your husband. Talk to someone you respect and you know deeply would advice you rightly.

    Leaving should be the last option. Try to make things work, you might need some time apart for these. But don't give up on your marriage except it is really bad.

    Love,
    Bee

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  14. the devil u no is wast them the devil u don't no.divorce is not good if u believe in Jesus.wait God will do a miracle for u.Charles

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  15. Many are quick to pass judgement on the husband based on the wife's complaints.....hmm.......have u heard from the husband.....the husband nags/complains/talks down on her, did she mention what he complains about? Trust me.....women generally live in fantasy island, and many cases like this i have seen is just as a result of the husbands being frustrated bcos their respective wives refuse to obey simple/harmless instructions...my guess is most respondents who are quick to judge are not married....pls Dear Mrs Wife, your husband is not a devil at all, listen to wat he complains abt and comply then see wat happens.....its not a prayer and fasting matter...just obey (just stoop to conquer) and u'll share ur testimony....many cheers..! EGO

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  16. Its sink not sink.

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  17. *Zink- they called it actually. =))º°˚˚˚°ºнaĦaнaº°˚˚˚°º‎​=))

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  18. Remember that people will always judge you, no matter what you do. So don't live to satisfy everyone else's opinion of you. Instead work hard to make God happy, your family happy, and yourself happy, and with this, everything else will fall in line.

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  20. There is no marriage that does not have ups and downs my dear.Where you are some unmarried lady would like to be in your shoe right now.Have you ever pused to think that the minute you step out some other person would step in; What is that you are not doing to minimise the quarrels? Also gone are the days when women just sat at home all day and the husbands provided for all their needs- I tell you without being self sufficient you will go through the same cycle again if not worse.There is no perfect man out there.When you leave and you go into the next relationship and it hits the rocks; believe me you will chicken out/find a way out.Stay and pray but don't let any one abuse you verbally or psychologically.People can only treat you how you allow them to.Think and pray.Read books/blogs to empower you mentally empowerment is not only financially some women also have high flying careers and their husbands still mistreat them, cheat on them and put them down.Also remember that someone that has chosen to see only the negative will never see the positive side.Be optimistic you are the author of the next chapter in your life-choose wisely and ask God to guide you.

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    1. Your an asshole, god isnt the only answer, she needs to leave that fer, its not always the ladys fault, ur a jerk for saying so, you dont know the whole situation so why judge it?

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  21. Wow always the womans fault no matter what men never have to answer for their wrong doing he is a mean sob who needs to be treated like he is treating you . the only part i agree with is get yourself a job and get your life together and put him on the back burner if your to weak to do that then you deserve what you get women need to stand up and say no more abuse just because he doesn't hit you doesn't mean its not abuse and for lord sake stop having kids with him stop giving yourself to him why give yourself to a man who treats you like dirt under his shoe stand up and find your self respect

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