Tuesday, June 25, 2013

Dear Myne - I am Jealous of My Husband's Ex-Girlfriend

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Hello Myne, I'll be glad if you can put this on romance meets life, I want to know if I'm alone on this. I've been married going on a year and only recently found out three weeks ago to be precise, that one of our mutual friends used to date my husband.

The girl attends the same church as my husband and I and is in the same working group as him. Another church member gave me the gist and when I asked my husband, he confessed that they dated seriously two years ago, and when I probed, he admitted they also had sex a few times! It just didn't work out and they moved on and decided to remain professional and amicable as friends.

See I used to live in another state before I met my hubby, he proposed withing three months of courting so I didn't really know his past, but he is honest with me. The girl has a fiance now as far as I know who also attends out church so it's not like she's after my hubby. My husband assures me that he loves me to bits and he shows it. It's not I don't trust him, it's myself I don't trust. I feel just mean looking at this babe, knowing that she has seen my hubby naked and been with him before him.

Some may ask if he told me he was a virgin, no he did not, but I would have preferred if I didn't know his past sex mates. I just don't want to be seeing one of them about two to three times every week, it just spoils my day. Maybe I'm overreacting about this but i just don't see how this will end well. Every time I see them talking, though I know it's about church accounts, I die inside or i want to march there and scratch her eyes out.

Please what can I do to reduce this jealously? What do I do?


  1. It seems like a bit of insecurity here, but since your husband loves you and he proves it, the bible says perfect love cast out fear. You need to work on yourself, imagine if you didn't know about it. Try as much, as possible to look beyond it, else you will be creating a problem for yourself, when there seems to be none. I would also suggest you pray about it, if possible join a therapy class..

  2. Babe, it's all in your head. And if you're not careful you'll push your thoughts into your husband's too. Please pray for strength and the mind to leave those imaginations behind.

  3. You can leave that church for your own peace of mind. Talk to your hubby about it and if he's as good as you say he'll understand.

  4. I just had this discussion with a colleague who believes in zero contact with an ex when its over. I asked...what if you find out your kids are in same class with hers. He said 'I will change their schools. I don't want trouble'.

    It sounded extreme when he said it but I can appreciate it in your situation. Change churches. Then you and hubby should agree on a policy for exes that you will both honor.

  5. It's normal to be jealous sometimes...but in this case, you have to really get hold of your thoughts!!,because soon it will start showing on your face and actions!!...since you are so convinced there's nothing between them, don't allow the devil to spoil your joy...let go of all your fears and worries...and be very careful....don't bring up her issue again with your hubby...Sometimes, men cheat when their wives start accusing them falsely....She dated him, You married him....,,,Let the past stay in the past..and when you see her..act really cool and classy..and she will respect and admire you for that...It's a good thing your hubby is not too close to her...just let go of all the thoughts in your head, and enjoy and focus on building a long lasting marriage..You can pray about it all too...If you intend to leave the church all because of her...please be sure and convinced about it....I have seen people that dated each other , but ended up with different partners in the same church!!..it all boils down to the fear of God, Morals and Maturity......if she's decent, she should know it's wrong to date a married man ....but , if you feel it's best to leave, the choice is yours!. Enjoy your marriage, don't all the devil to distract you or steal your joy!!

  6. i certainly know how you feel though it was the other way around for me. I used to date someone in the same religious house and he was my first, God Knows i gave everything to make that relationship work, but over time he broke up with me,i was bitter but i just let things go, fast-forward one year another brother with the same house wanted to marry me, and i being a good girl i told him everything didn't hide the fact that i dated someone who i later found out they were related by in-law marriage. he just couldn't get it out of his head that i had been with some one and that he was going to be seeing that guy every time he comes for fellowship. That relationship with the new guy didn't last one year. So i can totally relate with your view. But God has a way of working things out. Just be Thankful that your husband didn't deny it. Sometimes its better that we don't know about something because then our view becomes clouded......Sorry for my long rant

  7. In my opinion,its insecurity for sure and a bit of unforgiveness, which can only be worked on by you. You have all the answers in your question. He loves you and shows it.

    I'll give an instance of a brand new car. When you go to a car shop with the intention of buying a car, they'll give you a chance to test run. 20 people before you may have gotten that chance but that doesn't mean the car isn't brand new when you eventually purchase it...even if you're aware your next door neighbor was among the 20. You also won't go on getting angry at all the people who had test drives with your car. As a matter of fact, you'll be too engrossed in the joy your new car gives you to care.

    So when next you see this sister, why not adopt the attitude of "I'm the official owner, nothing else matters"...not in an arrogant way, more like basking in the knowledge that no matter how many women your man has been with in the past, he CHOSE you.

    Focus on loving him. Be cheerful. He's YOUR man. Replace your habit of getting jealous with a new habit....like giving him a hug for no reason afterwards each time you feel jealous. It'll work like magic. All the best.

  8. Hello there - I had a similar situation in the past when a woman, with her friend and another male friend of my husband's came unexpectedly, and uninvited, to visit during a party at our house. I did not know the girl who had a past interest in my husband. and we werent married when he knew her. I must also add that we all have pasts and relationships and I am no different. The issue with me here was that our marital space was violated, and no doubt she and her friend would have known they were coming to a past boyfriend's house.

    I did not know about this relationship until one of my friends who was at our party thankfully told me. Though I did not feel threatened as I was much younger, and I believe more attractive as many at the party afterwards told me the questions I wanted, and want answers for were these. Why do you think they came to the party with their male friend who was a friend of my husband. Was she still interested in him, or was it to check out who he had ended up with.

    When my friend told me about the relationship I said I would leave it to my husband to decide what he wanted to do. As I was getting more drinks for our invited friends he came into the kitchen and I raised the issue with him. He asked me what I wanted him to do - I replied that it was up to him to make that decision - he said he would go to bed. We had two children at the time, and one as as I recall was crying. He therefore removed himself from the situation for which I was thankful because our friends may have, unwittingly, or knowingly raised past issues which could have embarrassed him or me. On checking on our crying child who had settled down, I then came back into the party, and this woman came out of the toilet asking 'So you are So and So's wife. To which I replied yes. And asked what her name was.

    By the way I clearly recall she didnt wash her hands when she came out of the toilet so I further wondered whether she used it or was listening to what was happening in our bedroom which is not far from the toilet she used (??)

    What do you make of this behaviour of hers. And what do you also think of my husband's actions - which I admired. I must say I love him to bits and still do

  9. Hello again

    I must also mention I did not see these uninvited guests out, but left all to enjoy their night. My hubby and I have never seen this woman again and her friend.

  10. My dear Sister just as Kemi says..leave the church, thats the only therapy u require at this time..ur continued fellowship in thesame church with ur hubbys ex...may hurt ur marriage.


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