Monday, May 6, 2013

What To Do When Your Husband is a Serial Cheater

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This was the email I sent in reply to the lady who sent the Dear Myne - I don't know the man I married. I decided to share it here so others may read. Also, she needs names or contact details of sex addiction or couple and marriage therapists in the Lagos area. Thanks.

Each mail I get is sad, but this must be one of the most touching. I love and believe in marriage and it always breaks my heart to know some of us are sailing in rough waters. And this is even more touching because of your pregnancy. I really care and I wish I was there to give you a hug.

I will publish this tomorrow. On my part, I will say do not be so quick to think of divorce, especially for the sake of the baby. And from your story, this is the verified first time you have caught on to his cheating. It's unfortunate that it's so massive.

Ways forward - have an in-house separation coupled with counselling. This means that though you both continue to live together, there will be some things you don't do as a married couple. No more sex, and cut back on your outings together. And to be sure you're not punishing him, please talk a lot. It is clear you care for him so tell him that and ensure he understands that you want to work on the marriage to be better, and for him to find healing and peace.


I don't know how old he is, but this might be the last years of such wild living. This is the time to communicate and communicate some more. Ask him how you can help. Give him a timeline where if you do not see a change, you will have to take action. For example, if in three months he is still meeting his philandering friends, you tell your family, or, if he has not found a sex therapist in six months, you move out of the house. You know him more, so think of the things he does or does not do that need to change to make your marriage more healthy for you, him and your coming child.

Find a therapist that counsels marriages with focus on infidelity and sex addiction. It is good that he is repentant and willing to get treatment, help him do that if need be.

While I am a Christian too, I do not agree with some organized religious doctrines. However, some pastors are trained counselors and if you think you have such a resource in your local church that your husband respects, you may want to use that. If not, look up a qualified professional and encourage your husband in his quest to change.

Please start building yourself emotionally, your self confidence and esteem are very important at this time, and also begin to make sure all your finances are always in order at all times. Divorce may not be the first option, but I will not advice you to live with your husband if he is not treated of his addiction or changed his lifestyle after a year or two. Work with him, encourage him, pray for him, but at the end of the day, he is an adult and has his own life to live and choices to make. Stay Strong, for yourself and for the baby.






6 comments:

  1. Try praise fowewe, google him, can't remember his details off head, but he's on faceook too.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Wow. sex addiction is bad enough on the individual come to talk of an innocent person becoming entangled through marriage and becoming part of the train wreck. Sad.

    Myne, your advice and so many others (in previous post)are on point..about separation, giving him timelines and waiting on him with God. Its not gonna be easy.

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  3. Myne I love your advice. Most people would have said walk away but that's not always the solution especially when you love someone. Sometimes you have to help them go through their problems and addictions; while maintaining boundaries.

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  4. Im simon koh born feb 11 1973. Im a serial cheater. I leave my mistress after i got her pregnant. Im now looking for new mistress. Cos im not satisfied in one girl.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hello Simon,please go back to your mistress and take care of her and your coming baby.

      Delete
  5. Here is how to reach Praise Fowowe,he is a sex and marriage counselor and has saved a lot of homes.
    08037269483,2A9B2D2F.
    Will

    ReplyDelete

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