Monday, May 13, 2013

Should I Leave or Should I Stay by Ekene Onu

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Sometimes I get the question, should I leave or should I stay. I never give an opinion. I believe you should do as your heart, mind and spirit leads you to. What I do say is this...You can begin the healing process exactly where you are and as you heal and grow, the time will come when you know what to do and find the courage to make whatever choice you choose for yourself.

So how do you begin to heal even in the midst of crappy circumstances? Stop focusing on him(her) and begin to focus on you.

Refresh your spirit by;

1. Reconnecting to yourself. Be quiet. Breathe in and out. Reflect on how God made you and the woman that you still are down deep. I don't care how many mistakes you have made or how imperfect you may seem, you were created by a divine order and not in error. And every day you are given a fresh breath of life. A gift from your creator. Your life is not over. Even if you are constantly in tears...try to remember who you are. And be grateful for that.

2. Reconnect to the people around you. Sometimes we forget that love is all around us. We keep seeking it from one person. And that person may be too damaged to give you what you need. If he cannot or will not love you, it doesn't mean you are unlovable or even unloved. Look around you. Your family, your friends, your children perhaps. Receive their love and give back in return. Cultivate the relationships that feed your soul.

3. Reconnect to God. Your source. I am not talking about spending endless hours praying for change. I mean, spend time in fellowship. For me as a christian, fellowship is often praise and meditation. Basking in the divine love of my creator and getting refreshed and remembering that no matter what, He loves me and wants good things for me. And in that I remember that everything I need to have the life I want, has already been given by Him, it is already in me. And so the empowering comes.

Refresh your body by;

1. Taking care of yourself no matter what. When you are in deep pain, the temptation is to eat badly and be lethargic. (I am not talking about depression - if you suspect depression or any mental health issues, you should seek help from a mental health professional immediately - this advice is not meant to suggest otherwise!) Do your best to get out of bed. Take a shower. Get your pretty on, even if you have nowhere to go. Exercise. Find a dance class. (I can testify! I have found that a good cardio jam class, will get my mind off whatever is ailing me) Eat food that is good to you and good for you.

2. Find a happy place. Have some fun. I know when your life seems to be falling apart, this is the last thing on your mind, but do something totally for pleasure. Take a roller coaster ride. Go to the movies by yourself. Be compassionate to yourself during this period.

3. Make sure you rest. Pacing the floor in the midnight hour will only wear you down. Sleep is rejuvenating for many reasons. Get some sleep. And if you need help doing so, see a health care professional about it.
4. Take care of the way you look. Of course when you feel like crap, you tend to look like crap because you stop caring, but if you make the effort, it can actually have a positive impact on how you feel.

Finally emotions.

Honor them. Cry if you need to. But release the pain. Don't let it sink into your soul and become a defining factor in your life. Release the anger and the bitterness. Try to recognize that this place you are in, though difficult and painful is creating the potential for you to become better, stronger and change your life.

Create emotional distance if you are being emotionally abused. Create boundaries and enforce them (if you can do so safely) Refuse to listen, if you are being spoken to in an abusive manner. And if you do listen, when you can, after the noise has cleared. Speak life back into your soul. You are not worthless, you are not .... (fill in the blanks) you are carefully and particularly created and you too have a destiny and you have worth.

And always remember you have a future. Today is just today. So try to keep things in perspective. This is not your whole life. There is more to come. The best is yet to come and you can create a new reality.

These are the basics of Refresh.

But through it all...pray. And I pray for you too. May you have wisdom and clarity of thought. May you have the resources to do what you need to do. May you have love in all it's permutations. And may you become the woman you were born to be.

Ekene Onu is a speaker, author and lifestyle strategist. She is the Author of "The Mrs Club", "Can I be real?" and the upcoming "Aristocrat wives". Connect with her at She also hosts conferences, workshops and lifestyle experiences around the US and in Nigeria. Follow her on facebook @Refreshwithekene and on twitter @ekeneonline for more details on the Refresh ideology.


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