Monday, May 27, 2013

Dear Myne - Should I Date his Friend?

Posted in: ,

Hey Myne, So I usually agree with majority of the comments that your readers leave with relationship advice. So I thought maybe they could help me with recent matter I am dealing with.

So I have been talking to this guy called “B” for little over a year.  In B’s past relationships it appears as if women have always pressed him about getting married. Thus earlier in our dating history B would always drop sly remarks about not being ready for marriage.  Oddly enough, I do not remember ever bringing up the topic of marriage. Nevertheless, I am of age so I guess he could sense that sooner or later we would have to cross that bridge.

One night I had finally decided to find out where this was going. B admitted that right now in his life he just wanted to have fun. He said that if I could be honest with myself I was looking for commitment that would end in marriage. But commitment to me doesn’t necessarily end in marriage, we would have been simply dating exclusively. But he appeared to want to sow his royal oats, He told me “In three years I will be ready”.

SAY WHAT!?!?! I thought to myself. I am not sure who he thought he was or more importantly what type of girl he thought I was; to think I would be okay with waiting for three years. So once we had that conversation, any possibility of “US” had ended. The real problem ( I want to assume), is that I told him I was a virgin (not waiting till marriage but more so love) and I don't think he was in the business of waiting. Which was cool. At the time I was 27, and I understood his resistance. In this day in age only serious guys have time for virgins. I would never expect a guy to slow down for me. Because "Aint Nobody Got Time for that" #SweetBrownVoice

Moving forward, months later when the summer came around it was as if he tried to reconnect and try again. However, remembering what he said I remained distant, ignoring his advances to link up and kept our conversations short. Anyway, we remained close via messaging. Catching up with what was going on in our respectives lives from time to time. It was really B doing the reaching out. B also attended both of my birthday parties since we started talking. Something happened between us after that (on a hot night B and I were physical - no sex of course) and he admitted that he doesn't know how to be in a relationship and that he is not good with making decisions about people he cares about. I just decided then we needed to remain friends, because a relationship with him at that time would likely been constant bickering about what he needs to do and what he doesn't do. So I thought I'd save him that wahala.

When he attended my 2nd Birthday my affections for him awakened and I wanted to try again. We spoke alot, He was wrapping up his masters with a heavy course load, so it was hard for him to find time for me after my birthday. Which I understood. The next time I saw him was two months later at his graduation, which he had invited me to. It was weird going because; I wasn’t sure what would happen. More importantly, how he would introduce me to his friends and family. Moreover, if his other female “friends” I would be there.

So when I got there I looked exceptional *flips hair*. To my surprise, I was the only single female “friend” there with the exception of one other girl who was a good friend of his. It was mostly his friends and their spouses and couple of his single male friends. I stalk his facebook page (as most females do now a days); So I was somewhat familiar with all of his friends already. One of his friends is very attractive (who i noticed from one his facebook pictures) . Once he discovered I was also Nigerian he just began to openly flirt.

We were transitioning to go eat dinner and we had all parked in areas that were far from where the graduation ceremony was. So B told me to drive his friend to his car so his friend could direct me to this restaurant. He joked before I left that all I need to know was his friends name and nothing else.

His friend and I got there before everyone else so he asked me to join him in his car since the restaurant was closed while we waited for B. We talked and laughed while waiting for others and the chemistry was good. But he was a little too forward, which I normally do not like. Nevertheless, there was some attraction on both parts. We came from the same state (Anambra) and the conversation was good. If we had met under different circumstances, this would have been a no-brainer.

Anyway, long story short I feel as if B noticed that his friend was interested. So he began to behave a bit possessive (which I liked). When we were trying to decide where to eat, his friend kept asking me what I wanted though this was B's graduation dinner. B told him to mind his business LOL. Furthermore, when we arrived at the second restaurant, his friend and I walked in together and B saved a seat for me by him. Anyway I gave B a hug leaving and waved off his friend good night.

B laughed and told me that I should give his friend a hug too or his friend will not sleep tonight LOL. The truth is I wanted to give his friend a hug, however, I decided not to out of respect for B. Anyway after that his friend asked me for my number saying it was for keeping me posted with the graduation party, they were planning for B. I gave it to him, knowing he was lying. B then walked over as if he wanted to have the final word and made small talk before I drive off.

Since the graduation his friend has been messaging me. “Good morning “messages, “Just seeing how you’re doing” messages, “How is everything” messages. THE WORKS! I have tried to remain short with him because of B. Not much has happened differently between B and I, though we have talked. But after this graduation I thought he would be more serious with me.

I slightly feel like a hypocrite because something similar occurred between my cousin and B at my first birthday party he attended. I was busy entertaining my other friends and I decided to send my flirtatious cousin to keep him company. He made some remarks which made me question if they had exchanged info (which they did not). When he saw how disappointed I was he jokingly ask if they did exchange numbers what would be the problem. I told him I'd be hurt. Fast forward 1 year and 3 months later and I am a hypocrite.

Recently; I tried to hint to B that his friend was trying to get to know me, by asking what type of person his friend was. B just laughed it off and never answered the question. But like I said earlier the chemistry is good. We are both openly attracted to each other. However, I do still Like B. His friend probably knows more about B’s Bachelor Lifestyle than I do. Thus he should know who I am to B. That’s why I will assume he is being very clear with his advances towards me.

Being that B and I were never fully committed - we only hooked up that ONCE, I am wandering if I should entertain his friend, since B told me he wasn’t ready for relationship. And If I do so, should I ask for B’s permission with his friend. Do I discuss who B was to me to his friend. I know men are different from women, where their friend's ex girlfriends are not off line, but men do talk and exaggerate sometimes. Naija men tend to be territorial, so I am scared if I do this I should forget about anything with B.


  1. This is a very long and confusing story. Do you like B or his friend? You have to choose one first before wondering about whether to date his friend. If you still like B and have hopes things may work out, then wait for him. We women sef, the three years he told you earlier never almost pass finish?


  2. Please stay on your lane, and if possible leave these two playboys alone. No respectable man chases his friends girlfriend, toastee or ex. They are just toying with you, and before you know it you'll regretfully lose that your prized virginity to one of these unserious people!

    1. i so agree with you. Maam you need to stay on your own lane.

  3. I can't see in your story that he has asked, but even if he does, don't date him. Dating friends negatively affects a woman's romantic choices and oportunities especially if you live outside Nigeria where the social circles are so small and everyone knows each other.

  4. I'm American, so I know culturally we're different, but I've been down this road and it never ends well. My suggestion would be to set aside your desires to be in a committed relationship, focus on you and working through whatever is driving this need. Then make yourself available for the right man...the one who will be able to love you the way you desire and deserve.

  5. first!..what are the qualities you want in a man....I mean good qualities and virtues, without any form of vainess and materialism...then start praying to God about the kind of man you want!!!....Also, define your relationships, and guard your heart in order not to get hurt...A friend should remain in a friend zone, an acquaintance should stay in his friendly and cool...but don't treat a friend like a lover!!!...Finally....see if a man is in love or wants a lady , he will say it, take her home and will be serious with you. A serious minded and matured guy will do all these, and not players!!!.....It could be a difficult and tough decision, but sometimes, we just have to put an end to dramas in our lives and stay away from dramatic people before we can be and receive what God has in stock for us....

  6. My advice to u is dat u shouldn't give in to his frnd's advances cos it could b a set up secondly pls I dnt think dis B of a guy is serious abt settling down even in d next 5yrs so pls jst move on wit ur life n give a chance to more serious ppl cos u r not getting younger.

  7. Maybe just to add my voice to those of others.. you are heading down the road of pain. The friend is bad news and B is no better. Like others have said, cut out the drama in your life and focus on working on yourself. Believe in God to bring the right person your way and when he comes, believe me, you wouldn't have to wonder for a second what he wants.
    To share a personal experience, 4 years ago, I was torn amidst 3 guys..I felt cool, dated one, broke up dated the other, had issues, kissed the third. At the end of the virginity was gone on a silly unfortunate incidence. I cried, wept and for the next 2 years..I stayed alone, a lot of drama tried to occur, But I have been made wiser. I stayed alone and focused on my career and building my torn relationship with God. Just two months ago, I met an amazing man that still strike me as surreal. I dont sleep with any doubt about him. I am at peace, he treats me so well and has a good heart. Now, I believe that love comes to those who waits. Wait and that man will come. God is never late.

  8. Those guys are plain players. Don't even look in their direction. Be patient, a better guy will come your way

  9. a man that knows what he wants goes for it. B is out on that count. As for Mr B's friend, you never know. Time will tell but until then, just stay reserved.

  10. I Agree with all that has been said. B's friend is being disrespectful by making advances towards you, knowing fully well that B may not be comfortable with that and not totally over u. I also think having chemistry and good conversation is not worth possibly disrupting your friendship with B and your reputation. Trust me, u may end up looking like the bad one. Considering the circumstances under which you met, any decent guy would have backed off after not getting any responses from the constant messages.....sweetheart, they ain't worth it.

  11. there is every reason to believe that both guys are aware of what is going on. don't date any of them


Click Post a Comment to share your thoughts, I'll love to hear from you. Thanks!

*Comments on old posts are moderated and may take sometime to be shown. That's just because I want to see them and respond to you if necessary.