Friday, May 24, 2013

Dear Myne - I Find it Difficult Making Emotional Attachments

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I am an avid reader of your blog and find responses by readers quite insightful, maybe they can help with my dilemmas. Its in plural because they are more than one.

First is, I find it difficult to continue be emotionally engaged with people. I am not talking of sentimental love, but emotional engagement. Maybe I should clarify, people regard me as loving, nice and warm and they want to come near, but after awhile I feel drained. Even in a relationship, I get tired easily and just want to be alone. I have had 2 serious relationships and I can say they ended due to self-sabotage.

After a while, I just want out, no matter how much I care about the person initially. I don’t think it is an age thing; I am presently 27 years of age.

Due to this, my relationships have been with close friends who sometimes are regarded as ‘not in your class’ by family and friends. And the question I ask is; what is this ‘my class thing’? I do not date low-lifes or abusers or miscreants. Just normal young men starting or building a career, maybe there is a certain expectation from family that I should be dating someone high-profile. This affect and upset me because;

1. The first issue of emotional disengagement
2. When I feel connection to people, I just want to pursue that, to find maybe I can learn to love in a permanent way.

Myne, am not demanding of gifts or attention. My exes are both still very good friends; the one question they ask me is; do you ever want to get married? The answer is yes of course..But, I guess my heart is protected by some gamma rays and laser beams.

Am an Orphan but I have a close knitted family with my siblings, so this is not the issue. No record of child abuse or molestation. I just feel this large hole within me and am trying to fill it. Oh! Am a committed Christian, so it is not about a needing Jesus thing. Maybe some emotional engagement with someone. Is this normal, does anyone ever felt this way?


  1. I can relate completely as I have always had the same issues. You may not believe that the lack of the parental component is an issue, but realize that our parents are supposed to be the first bonds we create. It defines our emotional health with regard to many things- especially love. Our mothers teach us compassion, care, concern, closeness and our fathers are our first impression of love with a man and are supposed to develop that connection and teach us how we should and should not be treated. When we miss that there's a part of us that doesn't develop properly and it ends up revealing itself when we try to develop relationships...even with friends. You find yourself restless and overwhelmed, and oftentimes not wanting the responsibility. You emotionally detach because you're (we're) lacking what was supposed to build that. It's not to say that you will never have it or learn it...its just not going to be easy. You're going to have to work really hard at emotional, personal and even spiritual development, as they ultimately all tie in together. I'm still experiencing these issues and feel that way about my closest friend right now. Nor have I had a successful relationship with a an. Not because I don't desire it, but because I have had to repair those broken parts first. Things like molestation, rape, child abuse, etc... only compound the issues and make your sense of trust worse. This was the case for me. Just know that it is possible to fix your broken's just a process. I'll keep you in prayer.

  2. oh my God,i also have the same problem,i've never been in love,not because i dont want it,i dont know if the real man has not come my waay but the problem is growing worsr everyday,am currently in overseas studying,but i still have the same problem and somemof my freinds are thinking that i am not normal,please i also need an advice on this and the worst part of it is that i dot feel anything for anybody.

  3. Ok so it is not just me. I am 28, going on 29. Very successful in my own right, so no miscreants abeg! But I just get TIRED of people. And I self-destruct sef just to get out of any relationship I am tired of. I am waiting for answers from others.

  4. we are plenty then. i don't think there is anything wrong with me neither do I think I have any suppressed child abuse experience. i think we are just who we are and someday, we will meet someone that would perfectly complement us.

  5. You guys all exhibit Passive Aggressive behaviour. I'm married to one and it's been an agonising experience. You all need serious help and counselling, jokes apart, and this can only be useful if you're willing to get help and are willing to change. The death of one or both parents at an early stage also triggers this behaviour in the life of a child, especially where motherly love and care is absent. You can google "passive aggression" and read about it, may be it'll help.

  6. Dear Myne,

    Can you please repost so we can get advice? This was posted over the weekend so not too many people saw it! I have been refreshing to see if others have given their opinion. It seems a lot of us ladies have this 'problem'. Thanks a lot.

    Another lady who does not like emotional engagement.


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