Wednesday, May 8, 2013

Dear Myne - I Don't Want to Keep the Pregnancy, My Boyfriend Does

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I'm about 4 weeks preggers for my boyfriend. We've been dating for close to a year and planning to get married by December '13/January '14. We've been planning our wedding and attending pre-marital counselling at Church though we're not formally engaged (he did not propose with a ring, that is).

The problem is, I mistakenly got pregnant. Yea, it was out of carelessness. We are one of the most careful people ( so I thought) and I'm so disappointed in myself. Right now, I feel so much regret, anger and resentment towards my boyfriend. I'm not happy to continue this for 9 months.

I immediately decided to abort the baby, but my boyfriend is unsupportive. He says his ex-girlfriend had an abortion in his university days and he promised never to do such again. I'm devastated because I'm not ready for kids right now. We both live in the US and my career is just starting. I just started a masters which is time-consuming and also interviewing with top oil & gas companies with good responses so far. No company will take a pregnant lady seriously. (Btw, I'm 26). I want to have a great career without hindrance.


Another reason is, I'm the only girl and first of my parents. No one has met my boyfriend officially, yet. My parents always dreamt of having a big wedding for me. I've always longed for it (without looking heaviliy pregnant). My mum is an evangelist at Church and I feel lke her reputation will be messed up. We can't afford a wedding right now and I don't want a child out of wedlock.

My boyfriend is a lovely guy. I'm blessed. He loves kids and wants me to keep this baby soo bad, but he cannot afford to take care of me or the baby. He is low-income and I love him even with his financial status. Our initial plan was, since I'm certified to work in the US and he's still in grad school (1st degree in Nigeria), I wanted to get into a good job then support our family financially till he graduates. He works part-time and his income cannot do anything for us. I've tried to explain my position and he thinks I don't have faith in his future.

I've beeged him to let me abort this one and start baby planning by January, but he won't listen.

Pls advice. What will you do if you're in my shoes? Thanks.

Pregnant Chic




28 comments:

  1. First of all , judging or no judging ,and i know pple will COME AT ME for this, but this is why u should STAY OFF sex if u are not MARRIED!! its that simple, now u re asking pple to advice u on what to do, besides the fact that u begging and asking permission from another human being to MURDER a fellow human being only he/she resides in ur womb, one u could never ever create , its just sooo sad , prevention is always better than the cure! SHESH!!! Enough already with the oh so SMART moves only to discover they werent SO SMART! Me i aint got no advise if any it will be to KEEP that living soul inside YOU.It a gift u asked for the moment u started to get initimate with his/her father.

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    1. *slow clap* please give this Anon the award for most unhelpful comment.

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    2. I sooooooo love ur comment, its amazing how unwilling we r to hear n accept d truth these days. U r planning a wedding n attending counselling classes, yet u r sleeping wit d guy without any qualms. Are u saying u were never told d premarital sex is not acceptable under God in dt class or u chose to ignore it? Did u put all d VERY important considerations u av now into reasoning when u were sleeping wit him? How come, its d innocent little baby dt is now d source of ur disgust at ur boy friend? Now u want to terminate d fruit of ur sweet moments. Pls pls n pls, do d right thing n keep that child so u dont offend God d more n av blood on ur hands
      P S: for those who ll call me names, i dont care, while i ll not impose my belief system on anyone, i wld also say, if u av identified wit a particular religion then u must be prepared to abide by its tenents.

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  2. Been there before.....feel you. i hear your heartbeat...Pls follow your gut feeling...and allow reason to guide you. cheers

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  3. You must consider the fathers wishes. This will destroy your relationship if you abort without his support. If the father really wants the baby why not continue the pregnancy and then give him full parental rights?

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  4. Please if you and your boyfriend are already heading to marriage, work with him on this. I am a christian who believes in abstinence and pro-life, but I also believe in mistakes, repentance and forgiveness. Do not allow that first comment hurt you, obviously, they have no sin and feel free to cast stones. But I'll urge you, do not pay sin with sin, give that baby a chance.

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    1. Abegi!! call a spade a spade, " Do not allow that first comment hurt you, obviously, they have no sin and feel free to cast stones." meaning?? Sometimes we all need frank talk ,believe it or not that first comment wont stop her from repeting the same old story. soo tell me,where we at? Truth?! we are all sinners.

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  5. PLEASE DO NOT ABORT

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  6. okay m still young just 21 so i dnt know if am in the best place to advice you...its okay that u have sinned but aborting the baby is another sin. personally ive always had d notion of aborting if i get pregnant before mariage but my boyfriend of seven years usually tells me that if i get preggie nd abort it wuld be the end of our relationship so we decided to abstain not saying we dnt do sme under-g tinz oh.Now my advice, sit ur mom down and really talk to her nd also involve ur fiance's mom too, then have d baby since u re abroad come back to nigeria and give the baby to ur folks to take care of, do an elaborate white wedding lets not decieve ourselves churches still do it and continue wit ur life not forgeting to use contraceptives.Since if u abort this one now how sure re u that u nd ur guy wont have sex again nd then u'll be careless and get pregnant before dec.Am sorry its too long nd i guess babyish but thats my candid opinion. All d Best!

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  7. Babe, don't be bullied. It is your body, it is your life. Do what is best for you.

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  8. Hello Pregnant Lady,

    You're in this situation because you fully chose to be so. You were having sex and you did not use contraception. So you got pregnant. Simple as that. While you may not have consciously planned it, you allowed it to happen. And now, you have to live with the consequences of your actions, end of story.

    In your narrative, I have to say you sound very selfish. All I saw was "I want a career, I want a big fancy wedding, I want this and that...." What is that compared to the life of someone? What about what your fiancé and the father of the baby wants? What about what God, who created you and that child, wants? What about what the innocent soul in your womb wants?
    My point is, there is more at stake here than just what YOU want. Think about it.

    Abortion is NEVER an easy way out. It's the coward's way out. I know many women who have done it and they still bear the emotional scars till this day. They battle with regrets, disappointment, depression, and so on. Taking the life of another person is never a guilt-free action, no matter how often the "pro-choice" camp shouts about it. The really brave thing to do, would be to admit your mistake, live with it and keep your head up, knowing that no one else is perfect.

    Practically, nothing stops you and your fiancé getting a small registry marriage done now, and after the baby comes, you can still have your brilliant career and fancy wedding. You won't be the first couple to arrive at the altar with their child on their bridal train. Sit down and discuss the matter with your fiancé, and both your parents. No matter how disappointed they might be, you're an adult at 26, and you can live like one. If they want to help, they can look after the child for you temporarily so that you and your future husband can settle down and work, etc.

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    1. Excellent comment! Hit the nail right on the head!

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    2. Sure she made a mistake, but she's only 26.. If she wants to abort the baby so be it, it is her decision. The baby doesn't think yet. I've had an abortion and I don't feel no regret.

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    3. You're right. Abortion is NEVER easy. It's the hardest fucking thing to do and especially harder when people tell you it's "sinful". If you are speaking religiously, then everyone believes at different levels. I was raised christian, and while I have different beliefs then when I was raised, I know God doesn't tell you what to do with YOUR body. You wanna say he created you, sure say that if you want, but he does not control you. If this woman wants an abortion, then it is her choice. No woman wants to feel obligated to keep a child, and then have to watch their child grow thinking, "I never wanted this". And as far as her boyfriend, many men say they'll stay but most won't. And when it's all said and done, most guys won't stick around to care for the child, because to them it's a burden.
      And so what if they had sex. Sure, they're sinners, call them whatever the fuck you want, they're human. Get over it. People have sex all the time and mistakes happen, which is why some smart ass people created things to prevent of fix those mistakes. There are times, more often than not where people should have to live with the consequences, but pregnancy and a child is not one of them. You want her to have a kid and see it as a consequence for her actions?
      And to respond to "There is more at stake than what YOU want", is her future husband giving birth? Is her future child going to pay for him/herself? Do either of them have to live with the regret and the mental pain she may face? Do YOU know what God wants? I don't really think so. Nobody knows what he wants otherwise everyone might be saints. I might not have believed too much in God but I know that for a fact. So before you go proclaiming how she should raise her child because it's not her choice, just know, its HER uterus, HER nausea, HER pain, and HER vagina. Not Gods, her husbands, or her fetus'.

      And also, I'm pro-choice and I know for a fact how mentally and physically hard abortion is. At least I consider all factors before "proclaiming the truth".

      The brave thing for her to do is whatever she fucking wants.

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  9. I would say if you are not in with the idea do not have the baby. As evil as it may sound, better not have it than blame all your woes on the child later. However, the reasons you are giving are kind of frivolous. It would be hypocrisy for you to abort the baby so your mom can look good in the eyes of God. As for the jobs, honestly if the offers are that good your benefits will kick in after 90 days. The boyfriend I cannot speak for his intentions but get married first and let him pay for the wedding even if it is a small one or a registry. And baby girl how can you be talking marriage and going for counselling when your family does not know about him? What are you hiding? I know that times have changed but the engagement is his people (not just him) coming over to meet your people and letting them know their intentions. Otherwise girl you are just going to be another baby mama. If you are both working towards the same thing as you state do not deprive your child of two parents.

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  10. I will advice you not to abort the pregnancy... God knows best, commit everything to him.

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  11. Please have that abortion if you want to have it! It is YOUR body, not your boyfriend's, not any of these people here telling you that abortion is a sin. You will be on your own when you have a baby and are unhappy because a pregnancy stopped you from fulfilling your dreams, goals and plans. Have that abortion, you can have another baby in the future when you are ready to. Do not let anyone bully you into making choices for your own body and life. Your boyfriend should be able to understand and accept your decisions, how was it that he had no qualms when his former girlfriend had an abortion but somehow wants to control your body?

    Dear if I was in your shoes, I would have already had that abortion. I know it is not an easy choice but heaven knows that I will not have a baby that I don't want.

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    1. hmmnn, not the best way to advice some1, scolding is allpart of learning you know, and if u neveer want to hear the bitter truth, you would never learn. the deed has been done(pregnancy) but please even if its ur body ehn, i dnt think u av a right to take a life(an innocent one for that matter). except therez a risk associated with having a baby, apart frm that all other excuses r bull to me.
      so, my dear, hard as it may be, i think abortion is not an option(am nt even talkn abt the sin part here)

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    2. Lol love how you say "my dear", yet you spell worse than a third grader. If you want to give advice, don't type like you smashed your head on each key

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  12. i think it's the hypocritical life you are living that irks me most. if you are okay with sex before marriage, then so be it, wear it and the consequences proudly. it shouldn't matter if your stomach is swollen when you wed. it seems like one of the reasons you want a flat bellied wedding is to exhibit some degree of piety.
    Don't dare abort that baby cos he/she did not send you to be playing bed soccer. if you want, you can give for adoption. i am by no means a saint but the undertone of your story is somewhat selfish and whiny. you are mad at your bf? did he use funnel to pour his sperm into your mouth?

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  13. Having a child at the start of ur career is not beans, worse because u r still in grad school. & then, taking into account that ur bf doesn't hve d financial buoyancy to carry u, am even more wary to advise that u go ahead with having the child. U will have a very rough time ahead. U & this guy will fight abt money, u will fight abt childcare (am sure u know itz not 10 kobo), u will fight 4 d life going to pits, when u had seen it soaring. Am not that impressed with dis 'ur mom's' reputation bit, or u wanting a big wedding. I know itz incredibly important to some folks, but i think where u have more to worry about are the issues u presented last - dat neither u nor ur man can take care of d financial burden of a baby. As for weda to abort or not, well i cant advise either ways. When my bomboy was abt 4 months, i tot i was pregnant & i was determined to have an abortion if d pregnancy was confirmed. My husband was mad dat i would even consider it, but i tell you, i would done it!

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  14. Lol from d stories u were narrating all I could see was that u want this and that but hv u considered wat that little baby in ur womb wants? I am not a pro-choice either am I a pro-life. I am not in position to advice u but we r all sinners with the ability of repentance. Give dat child a chance. It might b a baby that will bring u a breaktru in life. Like pple said give to a USA citizen and take it bak home to ur mum and his mum to cater for it while u continue with life. U can see the child has a brighter future for just been born outside Nigeria. Think abt it not only urself.

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  15. I was in your exact position two years ago. I did not have a job when I got pregnant. Neither was I done with school. My parents are strict Christians and also pastor a church. The man was someone who had mentioned marriage, being together, and having children. When I told him I would have the child, he told me to have an abortion.

    I couldn't. I decided to bear the consequences of the single night we ever spent together.

    Life has been tough since then but I thank God for His grace. Most of all, I thank God for my mother. She never scolded me about getting pregnant or my decision to have the child. From the first day I told her, she has been EXTREMELY supportive.

    But not everyone is that fortunate. And not every woman can bear the burden of being a single mother. Or the burden of raising a child she is not emotionally, financially, or mentally prepared for.

    I cannot tell you whether to have an abortion or not. However, I can tell you that raising a child without money is not easy. Babies are very, very expensive. Financially, raising a child is NOT beans! Changing clothes every three months during the first year. Daycare costs. Buying baby items. All those things cost MONEY.

    You also don't sound ready to give up your career, which is definitely something that will be affected once you have a child. You may not have to give up your entire career, but you'll certainly have to put it aside when your baby demands your time. On the flip side, your fiance can be a SAHD or househusband. You give him the baby he wants. He puts time into raising the child while you pursue your career.

    Then again, how committed are you to your relationship? How committed are you to your fiance? How much value did you put into the vows you were going to take next year?

    Those are questions you need to answer. Those questions will lead you to whether or not you should keep your pregnancy. Like someone else said, you can have a small registry wedding now and do something big later. There's nothing the world has not seen. For example, a well-known lady living in Maryland who sells ankara, lace, etc had her first child out of wedlock. She married her daughter's father when their child was around 2 or 3. No one would dare throw that part of her past in her face now. Many of her 'friends' on Facebook probably don't know that truth about her either.

    Anyway, while it is ultimately your choice, please sit down and consider the advantages and disadvantages of having your child. YOU will be the one most affected by YOUR decision.

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  16. If l were in your shoes, l would keep the pregnancy. The good thing about your case is that he wants you the child. Your wedding is just by the corner. I believe you are a strong christian and know what the bible teach teaches about what you are about to do. You will never know which would have been the right thing to do, whether to keep it or abort it until you get depress about having to abort your own flesh n blood. For the love of Christ please keep it.

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  17. a baby is like a curse to the single, a blessing to the married.
    in my own point of view, she should keep it; especially when the guy wants their child.
    she should even consider herself lucky. 99% of guys would ask their partner to get rid of it.
    Permit me to say that she is selfish. Putting your career in place of an unborn child?
    Ok, let's say she doesn't want a bastard (or temporary one) as her first child.
    A lot of "bastards" have changed the world one way on another, especially positively.
    Let's start from the Bible. There was a bastard or outcast who was sent out of the children of isreal, because of his status; but later in life became a hero by saving them from strong enemies.
    In this world, Steve Jobs (Founder of Apple Computers) who is late, was one.
    Alinco Dangote, (Wealthest man in Africa and i think black too) was born out of wedlock.

    Bottomline, she should focus on showering her unborn child with love and nothing else.
    "Don't be Myopic."

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  18. Hello Pregnant Chic, I am wondering how you have been and what decision did you choose?

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  19. My sister-in-law was having this experience pregnancy planning because she had some problems in getting pregnant. So she did not want any more complication in getting pregnant and accepted that plans.

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