Wednesday, May 22, 2013

Dear Myne - How Do I Teach My Wife How To Be Seductive?

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I am married less than a year, and have a challenge. I would like to hear your opinion on it. I had been dating for about 2years prior to marriage, although bulk of it was long distance, we still found time to visit each other though and spend weeks / weekends together. During the course of her being away, I met another lady who for want of a better word, had a magnetic sex appeal. We hit it off immediately and although the relationship was short-lived, it was full of raw, animal passion and we could not get our hands off each other.

It ended because I felt guilty about cheating on my wife, fiancee back then, and let the new lady know.

Fast forward to my fiance getting back and us eventually getting married sometime last year. We were not celibate and had a few botched sexual encounters before we got married. I chalked it up to pressures of planning a wedding and all, but I realized my fling had opened my eyes a bit more and I began to yearn for more than my wife could offer in certain departments.

She is very beautiful, godly and a good cook as well as from a good home. Since marriage, we have had some level of good intimacy, however she is much more reserved and shy than I am. I never had issues with this until my fling which made me meet someone with a wild side like me and I realized I truly desire this in my marriage.

For example, my wife does not particularly like receiving or giving oral sex, but will give if asked. I on the other hand, love it a lot and hate having to ask for it as it makes me feel the person is only doing it to make me happy, which automatically takes away the pleasure from the act, hence the desired aim is not achieved. She also does not apply "feminine wiles" to seduce me or anything of the sort. Can you believe that up till date she does not posses a single sexy lingerie and always sleeps in pyjamas!

I love dancing a lot. She is okay with it but also not really her cup of tea. She rarely goes clubbing with me though I want her to, and when we do go out, I still feel like I am taking her out of her comfort zone, and it makes me sad and uncomfortable. The other lady loved my body and was always open to trying new things, daring stuff, loved going down on me (and vice versa), and was a very good and sexual dancer. We had a lot of good times packed into the few months we were together.

Now you would be wondering, why did I go ahead to marry my wife then, and not the other woman? Truth is, I really love my wife and value all her other homely qualities.

I think part of our problem is that she had a very strong Christian background growing up. I am a Christian too but more relaxed and believe in enjoying sex. To be fair to my wife, she has tried to adapt to me and I am happy for it. I have heavily influenced her dressing and make up, and when I see her with some of her old school friends, I know there has been some level of change.

Two days ago a text from the blues came from my ex saying she remembered some of the sexy good times we had, dancing, strip tease, and all that. My wife on the other hand, does not think of such things and whenever I try to stylishly suggest stuff, it comes across like I am comparing her with "wild girls" outside and wanting her to be like them. I know there is more to marriage than the physical, but I admit it does play an important role for me.

I do not want to hurt her or cheat on her. It is hard not to feel like I am missing out on something and sometimes stupid thoughts come up that I may have made a mistake, and I try to fight them. Since I ended things with that ex I have never met her so as not to get tempted to go down that route. And I promise myself I won't regardless of the text.

But I do not know how to improve things at home as I truly desire some passion in my marriage. This is eating me up. She says I should give her time that she will learn, and I should lead, that I should understand she did not date many guys before me and does not have all that experience. I am trying on both counts, but I fear I am not patient enough, and do not know how else to lead her.

Also I do not see the enthusiastic disposition when it comes to learning these physical subjects, compared to her disposition to for instance, try new cuisines and whip up cool new food (she is amazing in that and truly enjoys it). When I try to go down on her for example, she stops me because she does not particularly fancy it. How can I then even expect it of her if she does not want it from me?

If we could find ways to fix these, I would have a near perfect marriage. When I was much younger I used to wonder why a man with a beautiful wife would cheat with not so beautiful women, however I am beginning to understand it now, although I do not necessarily condone it.

How do I teach my wife to be a woman, teach her how to handle a man where sex is concerned, her husband for that matter?


  1. Marriage is more of sacrifice, learning and being patience with your spouse. You must communicate your needs to her and be patient with her. My husband taught me how to go down on him, at first it was not easy but with time I began giving it to him without him asking. Patience!!!

    1. I totally agree with you.

    2. You're right. Takes time and devotion. You're in it together; it will help if you try forget past experiences as they are now fantasies. Teach your wife; she will learn.
      Then if she doesn't, pls don't cheat still. I'm glad you noted she has several other great qualities so look at those and be thankful. Some have nothing! They pretend through a roller coaster courtship and the unlucky partners end up in tight corners -or divorce which is now so popular. In the end, there is no perfect marriage but yes, you can have it like 90%. Remember that she could have dumped you too- if she considered you too voracious. he he he he
      SO let's not think you did her a huge favour by marrying her. ..and here comes my feminist views ehn kwa? Just so you know- insatiable sexual demands also causes trouble so Sssssh... count your blessings!

      Good luck!

  2. I'm sure you both can find a happy medium with a little more communication. First stop comparing your wife to any other woman (the grass always seems greener on the other side). Second you need to communicate with her and tell her what you like and how you want her to do it. Third, appreciate any effort she makes and give encouraging feedback as she will probably be a bit self conscious about trying new things. Lastly give it time and don't forget to pay attention to her own needs. Goodluck!

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  3. Maybe on this one, you just have to keep being the seducing person? But no cheating, this is not an excuse!

  4. Hmmm....for a moment, I actually thought it was my husband who sent in this entry, until I saw the Christian bit. My story is similar - after 2yrs of celibate courtship, we got married last year. I was 27, a virgin. Adapting to sex was horrible in the first 3 months; it took a lot of patience & perseverance for my hubby to teach me orals n'the pleasures of sexual intimacy. Just when I was starting to enjoy it all, he squirted a "mini" inside me that has been growing steadily since :)

    My point is, marriage is a whole lot of work! No two women possess the same xtics. It's not selfish of you to want a fulfilling sex life, but your wife should come to terms with the fact that adventorous sexual acts are not "dirty" within the confines of marriage. Your bodies belong to each other & you should be free to explore as much as possible. If you don't want pajamas in bed, state it. You could surprise her with sexy lingerie & encourage her to love her body in them. Let her know how fundamental sexual fulfilment is to marriage, and you both should strive to make it work. You're blessed with a good woman. So keep the communication lines open, persevere, be patient, continue to love, honour, cherish your wife and never ever cheat for wanton sexual dissatisfaction pls!

    Pardon my epistle. Goodluck!

    1. Well said.

      U have to encourage her...and keep doing so!
      I could never undress or go around naked even in front of close friends but I do that with my BF and don't feel anything. I like sexy lacy underwears but for myself and not to seduce anybody. I just love lace- so good for whoever l oves sexy lingeries. Plain coincedence.
      Anyways, She may just still be battling with a whole lot so please communicate ur needs to each other and see how that goes.

      I was a virgin until 26 yrs and I was so sexy and inviting even before that. LOL.
      Sexiness isn't rally about the act SEX; it's everything a woman is or isn't.
      Shower her with love and show you care -in every little way, then watch her Get her groove on!!

  5. Oga, I'll be blunt: you are not serious. "Can you believe that up till date she does not posses a single sexy lingerie and always sleeps in pyjamas!" Are you for real??? Buy sexy lingeries for her now! Haba! Be tactful and sensitive. Be gentle with her. Communicate subtly and effectively. Communicate. Communicate. Communicate. Buy educational books and movies (not porn!!!). Chat with her about hypothetical friends of yours who are having challenges in their marriages because of their boring sex lives. It's Ok to casually mention the things you like and how you like them. It's Ok to talk about these things just make sure you talk about them without hurting her feelings and preferably not during or immediately after sex. According to you, your wife is a good woman and you married her after considering the sum total of all her good qualities. Stick with her, dude. If sex was of over-riding importance to you, you would have married Miss Explosive Sex instead of signing up with the " beautiful, godly, good cook ... from a good home." If the positions were reversed and she was the one who had a wild fling on the side just before your marriage, how would you feel to discover she's considering going back to the dude "who opened her eyes a bit more" and fucking his brains out?. I'll tell you one thing for sure, if and when you do get back to your "wild" ex, you'd realize that the sex has lost a lot of its old appeal? Reason, because you're now married and the guilt will take off the shine and passion. Try it if you dare. By then sha, it would have been too late as you'd have broken your vows and defiled yourself and your marriage.

  6. Lately i have come to understand that this issue is eating families up so deep,especially christian families and i wonder what exactly can be done to correct this? who is really responsible for teaching christain folks that sex is really really a big deal,when i see some couple i wish i can scream at one of them becos it so obvious the other loves his wife/husband so much but he/she is not been satisfied......if sex is supposed to be between married couples then sister give it to him. Give him dirty,hot,fun,anyhow u desire,let yourself go, enjoy at least he is your husband and the same goes for guys....I honestly think everybody will enjoy doing stuffs when it comes to sex it just the mind set of it being a bad thing that some hold on for me i intend to give hot when the time comes i can not hold body for all the years and be forming for marriage lie lie

    1. I think we now have to actually teach that SEX is NOT a big deal...maybe that will unlearn what some people think about sexiness.
      Being sexy is being smart, stylish and coordinated; it's knowing what to say and when to say it. It is being courteous and polite; neat and appealing.
      Smelling nice and dressing nice - not over-the-top make-up and overkill dress sense. Nope.

      Being sexy is knowing your husband looked at a certain lady twice when you went out together yesterday, then you go get that same or similar dress and get your hair done too!
      That's being sexy. And creative in bed too!

  7. "How do I teach my wife to be a woman..." That's like the most warped sentence ever! Your wife is a woman but maybe not the kind of woman you 'expected' to marry. From your descriptions here, I can see a clear case of 'false expectations'. You married 'miss conversative' because she is the picture of the ideal wife - homely, godly, good family upbringing, etc however, 'miss wild' is actually your thing - she's steaming hot in bed but doesn't fit your picture of the ideal wife, so you chose 'miss conversative' over 'miss wild' and now less than a year after marriage, you want 'miss conversative' not only to be just like 'miss wild' but a combination of both! Get out from behind the clouds. (Yes, I read the part where you said you love her but don't we all know love is an emotion that summarises our choices.)
    Some tough love here - quit comparing your wife to the 'ideal' sexual ultimate in your head. Yeah, you said you won't cheat but someday your fantasises would lead you there.
    I love the previous comments - yeah, patience is the only card you've got, you're going to teach her what you like and in turn you ask her what she likes - you said she doesn't like oral sex, but have you tried to know what she likes, e.g. The position that gives her pleasure the most - if she doesn't know, then you try several until she finds her favourite. This isn't all about you! For all you know, she might not even be getting any fun from it all, could be just empty pounding sessions for her...
    As long as she's willing to learn, then there's no problem here. Nobody has innate sexual skills, even 'miss wild' also learnt along the way.
    Practice makes for perfection. Cheers.

    1. I totally agree with you that the writer may himself be a poor lover. A woman who is not getitng any pleasure from her man will not be in any way interested in sex and certianly would not be interested in pleasing the man when there is no pleasure for her to get out of it. Maybe she too is thinking about a lost lover who was able to make her toes curl. Who knows what is really going on here? Definitely more to this story!

  8. You must be prepared for the possibility that she may never change. The type of lover you want is based on a personality type that your wife may not possess.

    You need for her to tell you what she is afraid of and what you can do to help her lose her inhibitions. If it a trust issue, fear, does it hurt and she has not told you sex is painful for her? Does she require more foreplay, more lube, more sweet nothings in her ear? Let her tell you what she need to open up sexually. Find out also what she loves and give her more of it; by giving her more of something she loves, she would be more likely to reciprocate and give your more of what you love. Dickmatize her, when she is under the spell, ain't nothing she wont do..but then again she has to really enjoy it to being with. You got some homework to do bro. Hopefully by the end of summer your work will start paying off. Hate to say this, but take it to the Lord in prayer as well, ask God to turn your wife into a Tiger in the bedroom. But be careful what you ask for, make sure you can handle it first before asking, because God has a sense of humour

    It would be great to get a follow-up on this one, Myne.


  10. you need to sit with your wife and have a candid discussion with her. do you even know her thoughts about your lovemaking. she might think you are a poor lover. the two of you have to talk more about your desires. if you can't talk to your partner about your body and it's needs, then who can you talk to?

  11. M not yet married but there something in your married life that made me comment on this.
    Seems like i do share some similarity with your wife.
    When i think of her,I can very much relate myself to her. Even i hardly go clubbing and dancing is also not my cup of tea. I love indoor during weekends.

    So, i wonder if i get a husband like you then what am i going to do?

    Probably effective communication may lead you somewhere. or patience may be the key to your near perfect marriage.

  12. Please stop comparing your wife with another lady who you cheated with.

    All i know referring to husband and wife relationship, in love making what you give is what you take period.

    If you want wild sex, start it with your wife and she will give it yo you that way, if you want quite sex start it with your wife and she will give it to you that way.

    I can identify with her personality type always tell her how much you love and appreciate her when you guys are at your thing and watch the transformation.

    Thank me later.

  13. When i started to read your letter, I was frothing at the mouth but by the time i got to the end, I was more..empathic? Like most have said above, communication is key! Buy her the lingerie. graduate from modest to risque (wink). Lavishly compliment her efforts no matter how little it is and watch her glow. Women respond to praise and love.
    If you are sincerely doing it out of love and because you think/know it will help both of you mutually, it will come naturally ans she will know it.

    As for madam ex. tell her you are happily married and she should desist from contacting you. Say it and mean it. God bless you both and give you the relationship you crave.

  14. Okay, here I'm going to be straight, and very blunt. Why are you blaming your wife for what is not her fault? Before you tune off, listen to me first. She was who she was, the way she was, before you decided to break the promise of being exclusive with her (as a fiance) and have hot, crazy sex with whom you have no future with. Now you're suffering the consequences of your action, comparing your wife to your fling, and you're blaming her for it? Guy, please see it as it is. If you want to teach your wife to be more responsive, fine, teach her, and you make sure you're extra patient with her, after all you knew all along she wasn't used to that kind of thing. And it's your fault she still wears PJs to bed. You no fit buy the sexy lingerie for am? When you do so, she'll realise that that's the kind of thing you like. Have you even prayed for her? Please do, every day. Women's fellowships are a good way for her to learn about sex and free her mind from the notion that some things are bad or sinful in the bounds of marital sex. And one last thing, both of you should try reading Songs of Solomon together, especially in easy-to-read, everyday language versions like The Message translation. Some of those scenarios will help her see how to have healthy, fun sex in marriage. God bless you.

  15. One thing I want to emphasise is boundaries. Everybody has them. If your wife draws the line at oral sex, hard as it may be for you to understand, you should respect that.

  16. I love every comments here today and i must say am really blessed by it... It became more scary in the aspect where the guy was thinking of going back to his ex... Am a shy person when it comesto sex but my fiance has started telling me is love for good sex but i don't even want to think about it yet but am praying... With good and effective communication i believe things will work out smoothly for you both,goodluck

  17. Na wah o. Men sha. He has quickly concluded that it's wifey that needs to work on her sexual level. Has it ever occurred to you that maybe you are not doing a good job on wifey hence her resistance to you most times? Before I met hubby, I used to be cold and rigid sexually because the other guys were just wham bam, thank you maam kinda guys. Don't get me wrong, it's not like they will sleep with other girls and they will not like it but they just did not know how to hit the mark and turn me on and I used to resist sex until I met hubby. Mehn, I never knew I had a fiery lusty, slutty side until he changed me. So stop assuming because another babe slept with u and liked it means u are doing a good job with wifey. Long story short You may just not be turning her on. The other girl may just have a more open attitude towards sex. Teach your wife how to love, listen to her body language. Watch her expression when you are touching her to know where to hit. Every woman has a fiery slutty side that just needs the right guy to pull out. Do not consider outside options because wifey is not meeting up. Because, apparently your wife is still like a budding butterfly. if you do not use patience and tolerance to bring that side out and another guy does, you are finished. So stop thinking of an option with your ex and concentrate on being patient with wifey. If you wanted raw sex, I am sure you would have married her. So work with what you have. And never ever ever ever forget the 80-20 rule.

  18. I read your story and I can relate to it because I sense the same thing in my husband. I married as a Virgin and I think my husband was not very patient with me as he even hold me then that I am not adventurous. Which was very painful to me. I consider myself open minded and had even been going down on him before our marriage which is about one year now.. He has never offered to reciprocate... I think men should be more sensitive and learn to enjoy the pleasures of sex with their woman. Rather than complain about their fantastic exes, why can't they teach their wives what they need to know.. My husband even recently told me that I lacked sex appeal and it just broke my heart. I confronted him but he said he was just communicating and being blunt. The comment just killed the passion in me... I know I try as much as I can but he has never for one day told me 'I think you are trying'... Please try and teach your wife, you guys can do fun things together but you have to realise everybody is different... Some women need men that will bring them out of their shell. God will help you..


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