Wednesday, April 10, 2013

Why Nice Guys Always Finish Last

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Like I said in this post, I don't like the terms Bad Boys or Nice Guys, they are so binary and have such history behind them. I think Nice guys are people pleasers, either because of their personality, upbringing, or emotional baggage. There is nothing inherently good or bad about this, we are who we are. On the title of this post, I appreciate and agree with some of the points the writer on Nairaland. made, but in some others, he went for the hyperbole and lost me.

What’s wrong with Nice Guys? The biggest problem is that most Nice Guys ™ are hideously insecure. They are so anxious to be liked and loved that they do things for other people to gain acceptance and attention, rather than for the simply pleasure of giving. You never know if a Nice Guy really likes you for who you are, or if he has glommed onto you out of desperation because you actually paid some kind of attention to him.

Nice Guys exude insecurity — a big red target for the predators of the world. There are women out there who are “users” — just looking for a sucker to take advantage of. Users home-in on “Nice Guys”, stroke their egos, take them for a ride, add a notch to their belts, and move on. It’s no wonder so many Nice Guys complain about women being horrible, when the so often the kind of woman that gets attracted to them is the lowest form of life…Self-confident, caring, decent-hearted women find “Nice Guys” to be too clingy, self-abasing, and insecure.

Nice Guys go overboard. They bring roses to a “lets get together for coffee” date. They try to buy her affections with presents and fancy things. They think they know about romance, but their timing is all wrong, and they either come-on too strong, too hard and too fast, OR, they are so shy and unassertive, that they hang around pretending to be “friends”, in the hope that somehow, someway, they will get the courage up to ask her out for a “date”.

They are so desperate to please that they put aside their own needs, and place the object of their desire on a pedestal. Instead of appreciating her, they worship her. We are only human, and pedestals are narrow, confining places to be — not to mention the fact that we tend to fall off of them.

They cling to her, and want to be “one” with her for fear that if she is out of sight, she may disappear or become attracted to someone else. A Nice Guy often has trouble with emotional intimacy, because he believes that if she learns about the REAL person inside, she will no longer love him.

Nice Guys are always asking HER to make the decisions. They think it’s being equitable, but it puts an unfair burden of responsibility on her, and gives him the opportunity to blame her if the decision was an unwise one.

Nice Guys rarely speak up when something bothers them, and rarely state clearly what it is they want, need and expect. They fear that any kind of conflict might spell the end of the relationship. Instead of comprimising and negotiating, they repeatedly “give in”. When she doesn’t appreciate their sacrifice, they will complain that, “Everything I did, I did for her.”, as if this somehow elevates them to the status of martyrs. A woman doesn’t want a martyr. She wants an equal, caring, adult partner.

Nice Guys think that they will never meet anyone as special as she is. They use their adoration as a foundation for claiming that “no one will ever love her as much as I do.” Instead of being a profound statement of their devotion, this is a subtle, but nasty insult. It is akin to saying to her: “You are a difficult person, and only *I* can ever truly love you, so be thankful I’m here.” [Nairaland]

My opinion is that generally when it comes to finding someone for relationships at a younger age, society tends to reward people pleasers who are female than male, so nice girls may get married in their early 20s, at that age, Nice guys mostly get stuck in the friend zone. As young men and women mature however, they realize the things important in life, and move beyond their socializations, and come into their true selves. The relationships field becomes more even at this time, and may even be skewed in the favor of the nice guys who gets his choice of a partner.

While people with baggage need to work on them, we're never finished or perfect. I do really believe most people who want to have a deep committed relationship with a partner deserve someone who will accept them for who they are, baggage and all. If they made the right pairing, they can then continue helping each other become the best person they can be.


  1. As a recovering "Nice Girl" myself, I can identify with some (but not all) of the points in the article, and I'm amazed by how gender doesn't seem to moderate this "niceness" thing. I had to go back to the title a couple of times to be sure you were writing about Nice Guys and not Nice Girls. I agree with you: "nice" or not, there's always something to work on. "Nice" people have to remember to give purely for the pleasure of it, as the article says (and not out of pressure).

  2. I don't agree with this points the writer made, maybe because I am a nice guy and it's because I choose to be.

  3. Well,its true but nice or not,everyone has baggage


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