Friday, April 12, 2013

What is the Ideal Age to Get Married?

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A rather interesting topic, one that is apparently becoming, or has become a rather serious issue for Nigerian “eligible” men and women, is that they are looking and not finding marriage partners. Some are even totally uninterested in marriage. This is my second post [read first post here] in a series compiling my responses and expanded thoughts on the topic. One I am sure many on this blog would be very familiar with.

I approached this from two perspectives:

First, is there indeed a problem? And secondly, why do we seem to have the problem?

Let us take a look at: Is there indeed a problem?

I honestly believe it does no good to rush into marriage. While there might be several advantages of getting married early, if you are not fortunate enough to be one of those who got married early, I think that is absolutely fine.

I think it might be a good thing that Nigerians are no longer rushing into marriage. If most would be very honest with themselves, within the age range in Nigeria where you are most times expected to get married, you barely know anything about life, especially your life. Parents, family and society want women to be married before they are 25 years old and men I guess before 35, in fact many times before 30. (as the parents want him to bring home a youthful potential grandchild bearing 25 year old bride…lol)


Now I would ask, what does a 23-28 year old really know about life? His or her life, talk less of the lives of others and then talk less of the life of a potential spouse whom he or she has decided to marry?

Now there is an advantage or argument to get married earlier say between 24-28 and then you get to experience and discover life together. But in such situations each part of the union MUST make a point to work on the marriage and keep it alive and fresh (and I do not mean for example, have seven kids who then become the life work and commitment of the couple).

I believe in a philosophy. Unless you know yourself (the real and true self not the glamorized, wishful and fictionalized self) you will be incapable of getting to know another person intimately and completely.

So the first task for a person is to get to know themselves, as honestly as possible. Not the person your parents want you to be, no the person your friends and classmates want you to be, not the person some boyfriend or girlfriend wants you to be, but whom YOU want yourself to be. (by the way this means you need to have very high and strong self-esteem, but that is another topic for another day). Take time to sort that out till you get to a point as they say, you are very comfortable in your skin. This I believe, actually makes you a much more attractive potential eligible partner!

Another philosophy I have is, a man or a woman must have firmly plated their two feet on the ground before they think of planting their feet with another person and proceed in many cases to start a family and plant more little feet into the ground around them. A one legged man or woman is unstable and will be subject easily to fall / fail.

Once you know yourself, you will easily and quickly figure out the kind of person you want to be with. And voila! 50% of the problem is apparently solved.

If you do not like to party and go clubbing, don't go to the club with friends to find a woman simply because you see there is always an abundance of beautiful and hot ladies at clubs who can dance well and shake that booty...

And that reminds me of a “good old” tactic frequently used by Nigerian men, (or used to when I was in back in Nigeria) don't become a Born Again Christian simply because you believe and can very well see, there are several hot babes in church whom apparently appear to be God fearing and also respectful. And hence would be excellent wife material.

Why you might ask? Consider this, when you close the bedroom door at night, fully expecting to climb into bed and proceed with a hot and heavy steaming bedroom workout session with your really hot, but holy wife, she might say, Honey, come, let us pray, Pastor said we are fasting for 40 days and 40 nights... Oh my! The customs officials have closed the border entry to the Republic of Congo... a dusk to dawn curfew has subsequently been declared... No movement no entry! Cheikena! And you are then left to not only forget your planned steamy season, you must now PRAY for forgiveness and also pray for strength to survive an additional 40 days and 40 nights of no action!

Or suppose you as a man, are getting to that age, when John Thomas does not answer you like when you as strong as timber and caliber and some ED is on the horizon. Your hot and holy wife discovers this, her reaction? I bind that in the name a Jesus!!! Okay, I command you to rise up right now! Jesus rose again after three days! You must rise NOW, as I do not have three days to wait! Instead of quietly sending you to your doc to get the small blue pill for your birthday, or simply visiting a Mallam and getting some burantashi...

Now, coming back to the issue of age and experience. Consider the following ideal timeline: The average age to get into college is either 17 or 18 years old. Studying a 4 year degree, this means a guy or gal graduates at 21 or 22 years old. So at that age, they now go out into the world and try to land their first job.

In Nigeria, their NYSC becomes their first real experience being on their own and away from the cushion of Mom and Dad and even many college friends. Then they get their first job. Now they are 22 or 23 years old. Recall I mentioned having two feet firmly planted on the ground? This I call a period or age of discovery. The now 23, 24 or 25 year old gets to learn and experience a host of issues:

Budgeting, personal finance, personal responsibility and discipline. They begin to choose a career path. They now get to fully express and enjoy their freedom, they earn their own money and get to decide how to spend it wisely or waste it foolishly and learn the lessons therein. They build NEW friendships and cement old ones.

As I said earlier, they are in their period of discovery, And towards the end of this period, they are getting towards 27 years old. And at that point, I think is an ideal / optimal time to now have plans to settle down to enjoy the rest of their lives with another eligible and well-grounded person like themselves.

Next part, a strong argument given against my ideal situation above.

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Timi Robins is a happily married Nigerian good ole chap, born and raised in Nigeria... Married to an absolutely awesome White American lady, currently living in the United States.. an odd ball real life romantic, I do not call my wife sweetie, dear, honey sugar pie or any of that other funky stuff..lol But she knows she will always get kisses, hugs, back rubs from me.






7 comments:

  1. I have been thinking about this actually....I mean age is not function of maturity so yes i cannot state an age....but i really think late 20's for a woman is fair...27,28,289 and above....when she has an idea of what she wants to do with her life....

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  2. This was nice to read! Especially the part about the Holy Wife. So funny, but true. Hope to see the next part of this as well!

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  3. Yep especially for women marrying at 25years or younger is to young to get married. Alot of times it's at this point ladies start finding themselves. They must have done all the right things gone to school studied a professional course because of their parents.. But as they grow older they discover maybe they like to do something else like being a model or actress and not a lawyer. most times if they r married their husband may say they don't like their wives in the public eye blah blah blah. We should find ourselves before we get married. www.secretlilies.blogspot.com

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  4. I am 23 years old and I know what exactly I plan to do with my life. So do a lot of my friends. So the generalization that girls younger than 25 haven't discovered themselves is not entirely true.

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    1. While there might be several advantages of getting married early, if you are not fortunate enough to be one of those who got married early, I think that is absolutely fine.

      Did you miss that? Chill lady.

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    2. Thank you very much B. Hian, who says 25's and below haven't discovered themselves enough to settle down? hmmm. Well, one size doesn't fit all so that's fine but all (not some, all) the marriages i personally know that have ended in divorce now or seperation, the women were over 25.

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  5. Before anything though, @B, one's plans for ones life doesn't always hold true throughout you know. It's one thing for man to plan their life out in one way and another thing for your life to turn out that way.

    That being said, I think there's no particular age. Some people are fortunate to find someone that they can connect with and can go through life with early. But I personally feel that one should experience life first so that one day 18 years from now you don't look back at all the things you planned to do but never got to do.

    It also centers on the kind of marriage you're having. Is it for companionship first? Or to breed kids? Or just so you can bare the title Mrs?

    I say marry when you find the right person not when you think it's the right time

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