Monday, April 1, 2013

Dear Myne - My Mother Destroyed my Last Relationship

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I've actually learnt quite a lot from reading your blog and I can say its a fab piece of work. Pls keep up the good work. I'm a young doctor of 27 years currently undergoing NYSC in Lagos. Relationship wise, I could say I'm a late bloomer; 1st kiss at 18 years, 1st boyfriend at 19years.

I also happen to come from a typical Yoruba household where love isn't openly expressed and sex education isn't a topic. I happened to have had a rough childhood with my dad straying a lot and some cases of physical abuse on my mother, my dad I can say is kind of chauvinistic in all its definitions. Thus, I grew up with the mindset of not marrying a man like him.

When I was 22, I met this young man who literally swept me off my feet,though from my stand point as a mummy's girl he was supposed to be bad for me, but I loved him anyways. We had quite a good relationship and to me, I could settle down with him. His parents were well known to our family.

About a year into the relationship,my mum came to me that she had been to some spiritualists who said we weren't compatible, in essence it was said that "my getting married to him would shorten his lifespan".

I kicked against it and stood my ground that I wasn't calling it off,I spoke with a few friends and close relatives,eventually I called the relationship off after 3years. I was convinced then,that such a situation wouldn't come up again.

Last year, I met this splendid young man whom I refer to as "my dream come true". He was all I had ever wished for and prayed for in a spouse,he was beyond my expectations. We got along really good and in a short while, it was like we had known each other forever. Everyone who saw us together or knew about us called us a match made in heaven. He made me feel like, it was worth all the waiting.

However,he was7years older(my ex was 6years older) and he lived in South Africa. But truly we both weren't perturbed,all we focused on was that sometime soon we would be together forever.

We started building a relationship,by this time my mum was already telling everyone that cared to listen that she doesn't know what I'm upto regarding a husband,she even told a couple of people to match-make me.
Eventually, I told her about the young an and she was excited, she even said I should tell my daddy too. She went out again to those spiritualists and they came back with another horrid revelation, again I kicked against it. This time, I talked to an aunt of mine whom I knew consulted spiritualists and she came back with a good revelation, I made up my mind to stick with that.

My dad, however,raised concerns about the age difference and us been many miles apart,thus we won't have a proper courtship. I felt I could still convince him otherwise. All this while, I told the guy what my dad's fears were and we both agreed he needed reassurance. He promised to stand by me all through this.

My mum convinced my dad to remain adamant,I actually went through he'll but I stood my ground. Eventually, she went around and got to send a message to the guy through my cousin, she threatened him and was said to have said a lot of things,which she has refused to repeat to my hearing. At the end of it all,the guy called me up and said we should call it quits,as he wasn't ready to get entangled in my family issues.

He hasn't spoken with me or seen me in months,all my messages have gone unanswered. My life has really been miserable, because for once in my life time, I was so excited about settling down. I had no doubts in me, I wanted to be with him forever. My broken heart has refused to heal and rather than move on, I keep on loving him more. You can imagine him been in Nigeria and not wanting to see me. All my calls go directly to his voicemail. I miss him, need him and love him dearly.

I have also made up my mind,I'm not moving further. No more boyfriends or husband as the case maybe, I can't keep going through this pain and hurting wonderful young men whom the only sin they have committed is meeting and falling in love with me. I have decided to remain single and focus on my career as I believe this love thing isn't for me. But deep within me, I'm still in love with this young man, I'm praying and hoping we get back together.

My mum has been going around to pray for her daughter to find a husband,she's even trying to push her friend's son my way, but I'm not interested. She has put her imposing nature above my interests as far as I'm concerned, right now I only talk to her because its compulsory, we have no special relationship.

I would let you to share my story without my name, I really need unbiased views from people. Thank you.


  1. I cannot stand all this spiritualist people, most of them are after money and are prophets of doom. Can't you pray yourself? Why does everybody have to be going to spiritualists on your behalf. You need to get down on your knees and take your destiny into your own hands.

  2. I think you need to get closer to God.then, try to have a heart to heart talk with your mum, tell her your worries abt how she treats you, and the damages she has already done and beg her to stop taking your name to spiritualist...if shes truly your real mother, she should listen, because no mother likes to see her child in pain.....for now wipe ur tears....give all ur pain , heartbreak to God.....nd try 2 get busy or do new stuffs so that you will not think too for your relationship, don't worry whatsoever is yours can never be taken 4rm u, if it's him ,he will come back, and if not, then God has probably prepared someone far better dan him.......God loves you.....

    1. Sweethrt I think you should go on your knees and pray for yourself,God can put things ur mom to order.I really don't believe in some of this spiritualist

    2. @anony 4.08 your advise is good but the phrase "if she is your real mother" should not be encouraged. Most parents have different ways of reasoning due to their own upbringing and they can also be stubborn. This might be wacky a times but it is their way of showing love so making such statement is telling the girl that she might not be her mother for not agreeing with her pleas. You might not have meant that but little words can mean a lot.

  3. This is bad. But you cant give up on love because of your parents.
    Have a conversation with your mom and tell her to stop going to spiritualists with your name. She should even stop going there at all.
    When you fall in love again and if you guys want to settle down together let her know you will go ahead with or without her blessing if you dont mind doing that.
    Or else risk finally getting approval from them when you are 40 to a man who will marry you as his second wife. You have to stand up for yourself. Parents are not always right. And you cant really blame a man from running away if he realizes his future mother in law goes to spiritualists. I wish you well dear.

  4. babygirl your story is the story of my life except i am an only child and my mum is a single parent, my father is dead and i never knew him or his family. i am yoruba also.

    my mother and her sisters have done the same thing to me, my own mother said she will become a witch to stop me from marrying someone she did not choose for me. she wants me to marry her choice and her choice is not my choice she says she has prayed to it and blah blah blah. smh in my family noone chooses husband or wife for anyone everyone makes their choice but my mother and her sisters want to choose my own and ruin my life, so my dear i made a harsh decision because as far as am concern this is my life they have lived their lives.

    i cut off my family it has been easy and God has been too good i have peace. i met a wonderful man and we are too much alike i told him everything about my family and he says he is going nowhere, he has also told his family and his parents understand because they faced the same thing when his mum wanted to marry his dad, her father did not agree and did not attend the wedding. my bf is yoruba and we all know culture about parents being involved in the marriage ceremony and blah blah blah, i always ask my bf since i have cut off my family what if your family stop us getting married he said he will cut them off that he has made his choice to be with me and stand by me. my bf recently went back to uni to do his mba and we just finished our msc together he said baby i am doing it for us, if my family turn their back on us atleast i have the qulifications to get a good job to look after us. Bear in mind my bf loves his family but he doesnt carry them on his head, my bf has been disowned many times by his dad when he was younger and my bf left his fam house for a year to hustle on the street and this made him street wise. my bf comes from a rich family and he is the first son. His sister loves me and his parents love me too. every day i tank God cuz it can only be God that blessed me with such a wonderful man, he treats me like a queen, he gives me everything and anything, he spoils me like mad, and when i tell him i love him he tells me but baby i love you more than you love me.

    so moral of my brief story is you need to sit down and really make a decision on how you want to live YOUR LIFE your mum and dad have lived theirs the way they want to live it, i am not encouraging you to do what i did i am encouraging you to move close to God and pray and believe He will give you your own just like he gave me mine. But heaven helps those who help themselves. in my own case their was also deep spritual issues that contributed to me cutting off my mum n fam and from what you have said about your mum always running to spritual things their is something they are not telling you which was the same for me but i know that something now. move close to God to reveal that something to you.

    if you want to contact me via email my email is

    goodluck x

  5. This same mom is praying for husband yet she'll go and consult spiritualists? Who are these spiritualists? Anyways, get closer to God and pray for yourself my dear.

  6. Smbdy once told me dat God can never show all d events of one's life to a spiritualist its either he sees d begn and d end its hidden if not hw wud God be God.Am married to my husband and we wl be 14yrs in marriage by dis mnth.My senior sis dat went to consult b4 marriage did not spend 3yrs b4 she was booted out,my junior sis lost her husband to d cold hand of death b4 the 3rd yr anniversary of her marriage and yet a lot of consultations was made b4 she got married.So my dea u need to make up ur mind.Once u have d convitn dat d chemistry is right btw u and a guy,go to ur God and settle it wt Him go ahead and belv me its ur life and nobody shd run it for U.

  7. I think she has to sit down and talk to the mother. At the end of the day, the harsh truth is that her mother is sabotaging her. Everytime she finds happiness, this mother ruins it. This lady needs to sit her down and find out why. As sick as it may seem, understanding the situation can at least provide a clearer picture of what is going on.

    The second point I can make is similar to the one made by AnonymousApril 01, 2013 5:05 AM. I haven't had that experience personally but I completely empathise. Cutting off your family is not an easy thing but if people put their own stubbornness and desire to get their way above your love and happiness, you probably don't want them involved in your life. How come spiritual concerns come up when this lady brings her own choice but not when the mum is trying to hook her up with someone else? Would she be able to recover if she manages to heal from this heartbreak and find love, only for her mother to pull this spiritualist trick all over again??? I think cutting off her mum entirely- as horrible as that is- should be an option at the back of her mind.

    1. I am anon 1st april 5.05am and my answer to the question is that her mum or parents are or is hiding something from her thats why they are tryna pick her mate. She will recover from this heartbreak trust me cuz av been their but the man she finaly does meet will be worth the pain she is experiencing now. trust me cuz av been their but the man she finaly does meet will be worth the pain she is experiencing now.

  8. I'm so sorry you going through this. Finding love is always hard, that you found it you should thank God.
    I live in TZ. Most marriages here fail because mamas interfered so I can relate.
    I think your mum is preventing you from possible husbands to avoid the mistakes in her marriage (no offense intended). In my opinion she's using spirits to hide the real reason she disapproves your suitors.Talk to her, make her understand she's the reason you're miserable and hurting. Let her know that you have choices and you're ready to face their consequences. Tell her not all men are your father (again no offense intended).
    Fight for your love.


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