Thursday, April 18, 2013

Designed to be Under a Man

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I am honestly still mulling over the comments by Monalisa Chinda to Sunday Entertainment Express over the weekend. I was discussing it with some friends and a few of them mentioned she was just being honest to herself and her beliefs, and I applaud her for that. When asked if she would like to re-marry one day, the actress replied,

"I would love to. I am designed to be under a man. I am not going to lie that I like the single mother thing going on. I believe in marriage. Whether you like it or not, it is the best option but it's not a do or die thing though. I have been there before and if I'm going to do it again, it has to be right by the Grace of God. I am not ready to make another mistake."

So this is not about Monalisa, I'll just like us to consider the words, "designed to be under a man" and how that relates to relationships. Considering it from three levels,

1. designed to be under a man - men generally
2. designed to be under any man - any man you end up in any kind of relationship with
3. designed to be under a specific man - a man who loves you in a mutually respectful relationship.

The first and second are obviously out. The third seems workable on the face of it. Yes, traditional gender roles that prescribed fixed responsibilities and duties for men and women can work for two specific people who are in a relationship. But they can also be problematic for a lot of reasons, the main one being caging people in, both the man and woman in the relationship chafe at such ball and chain, and before you know it, they begin to act out.

I also believe in marriage, and if I had to describe the relationship between husband and wives, I would choose words different from

Designed makes it seem like you're giving up responsibility for your life to an outside power beyond your control, so I would use prefer, want, enjoy, in order words, be particular about your choices.

I would also say "with" rather than under. Under can be quite restrictive, and can be subject to abuse. However, when you're with someone, you can be under, over, beside, behind, ahead, in other words, you have more room to maneuver, more freedom to be real, and to be your full self.


  1. At first glance, the choice of the word "under" make me cringe. It's the same way I use to rally and rail against the use of the word "submit."

    But in my post #TheSingleLife According to Pastor Tony Rapu, one of his tweets caught my eye: the one about likening marriage to the relationship between God and the church. Would I cringe to say that as a Christian, I submit to and am under God? Not at all. And if the relationships are similar, then really, there should be nothing wrong with saying the same thing about my future husband.

    Now, submitting to God and being under him, doesn't mean that we don't have personalities anymore. We're all so different and have various qualities and gifts, and yet we know that we are under God. In the same way, just because I'm submitting to my husband, doesn't mean that my personality takes a back seat and I'm alive only to do the bidding of my future hubby. No.

    I think that submission and being under a husband (as God intended o) means that I share my opinions with my husband, and I follow his lead. We can disagree but as the leader of the household, he would get final say. If you're blessed with a good husband, he'll take all your opinions and thoughts into consideration and make decisions based on them.


    Berry Dakara

    1. You have broken it down correctly. I can't add anything. Submitting does not mean u lose ursrelf but it is that u find a man who understand what God intended marriage to be.

    2. I personally do not have any problems with the words submit, as far as we start that bible passage from where the context starts "submit to one another".

      This post is about those two words designed and under. Submitting is not the problem, but the mindset in which you do it is important, or one may be opening themselves to abuse.

  2. @ Berry, I agree with you wholeheartedly!
    I got Monalisa's Biblical meaning immediately I saw the post. The feminist movement has helped women get better jobs and more rights in the society. However, it hasn't helped us in marriage, and asking for equality in marriage leads to even higher rates of divorce.

    I am not advocating being a doormat or taking domestic abuse, but even those can be avoided if we approach the whole marital process the way God meant it to be, starting from coutship.

    I am still single, but the marriages I see around me, that are being done God's way, seem to be flourishing on every side.


    1. I am happy for the marriages you mention and let us be clear, that while divorce is an indicator of a failed marriage, it does not signify a failed women.

      Divorce may actually show women who have survived. And in that sense, it is a good thing. A dead woman (physically as well as mentally and emotionally) cannot be in a healthy marriage or be a worthy mother to her children.

  3. I agree with you guys. A woman generally is design to be under a responsible man. When i mean responsible man, i mean men that are ready to shoulder their family responsibility and not transfering it to their wife. My Husband will worth my kneeling down every morning because he has what it takes to be a man. He is responsible, caring and loving.

    1. You can even prostrate for such a man :)

  4. Being under a man?i really don't get it in this text,if it should be what i translate it to be,being under man dose not make him my boss,or does it?my husband should be my friend and not my boss,if i need some one to take and follow full instructions from, i will do that at the office not at home,at the same time , a woman should show and give respect to the husband,make her own suggestions politely.But not being under,that sounds like a bossy kind of relationship.

  5. Oh she wasn't talking about sex? LOL....just kidding, but that's where my mind went to when i first read it. What can i say, some people's minds are dirtier than others.

  6. I was designed to be independent. She was designed to be under a man. I don't see anything wrong with that; to each his own. As long as the choice is yours to make, it's all right with me if you were designed to be a second wife.
    Jokes apart, she is being honest with herself and I love her for that. We are all wired differently.

  7. I hate her choice of words. The only thing I was designed for in this lifetime is to glorify God, not a thing else. As for marriage, it isn't even at the top of my list of things to experience. If I do get married it would be more to please the status quo, and to say I at least I did it.

    As dumb as her statement is, I hope for the sake of her child that if she does get married again it is to a good, and decent man.


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