Wednesday, April 17, 2013

Dear Myne - Should I Tell My Friend About Her Cheating Husband?

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This is something that has been bothering me for a while. It's sending me crazy and a I need advice quickly before I make the wrong move. This problem is not particularly about me but about my friends, Jane and Paul (Not real names).

Jane has been married to Paul for 10 years without a child.  Before she got married, she dated him for over 3 years and I still remember how excited she was when he finally proposed. She couldn't stop looking at the ring and telling me how lucky she felt. She started planning the wedding immediately and it was a very successful wedding. For the 1st 3 years of their marriage, it was obvious they were very happy. Jane worked in a small financial firm while Paul worked in an IT firm.

They both decided that they weren't ready for the financial burdens of a child, so they were on birth control for the first 3 years. Within that period, Paul got a job with Schlumberger while Jane and I got jobs in the same bank. I became Paul's banking officer and I can tell you that he was bringing in some very good money. To give you an idea of what he's worth, he has over 30 million Naira in his fixed account which I currently manage.

With their lives financially settled, they decided it was time to start trying for a child and Jane went off birth controls and that was where the issues started.

They started trying and for the first 1 year, there was no pregnancy on sight. Jane became depressed and sometime last year, Paul encourage her to quit her job and concentrate on trying for a child and that was what she did.

Meanwhile, while Jane was still working in my office,  an intern, Cynthia was recruited in my company. She lives close to Jane and asked if she could be getting rides home and to work. Jane didn't see anything wrong in it even though it was Paul who used to drop her off at work and pick her up after work.  Cynthia started getting daily rides with Jane and Paul and before you know what was happening, Cynthia and Paul started dating.

Now, Cynthia is not even hiding the fact that she's dating Jane's husband. He has moved her to a very classy apartment in Ikoyi and spoils her with gifts of all sorts. Jane has all the new gadgets you can think of. Be it, iPad, iPhone even the new bb z10, all courtesy of Paul.

I called Cynthia to talk sense into her but she was so rude and told me to go to hell. She dared me to tell Paul and boasted that Paul has asked her to be his baby mama but she has refused for now because she has a boyfriend in Germany. She said she's not doing anything wrong as the man has enough money to take care of 2 women.

My worry now is that Jane has been begging her husband that they should try IVF and he has refused under the pretext that it's too expensive. He said they can't afford it! Can you believe that? That is a man that is so rich, N500k will definitely not mean anything to him. Unfortunately, Jane doesn't even have her own money anymore so, she can't foot the bill.

I am at a crossroad at what to do. If I tell Jane, Paul might find out and close his account with me. That will affect my job. Jane might also not take it the right way as she's so broken right now and very depressed. I'm afraid this might be a wrong time to tell her.

I'm also afraid of Cynthia's audacity. She talks as if she knows what's she's talking about and not even afraid to show off Paul's gifts. I'm afraid she might have a hidden agenda and probably has plans to go ahead and get pregnant for Paul. I've never seen the boyfriend that she said she has. If Jane doesn't know and Cynthia breaks her home, I won't be able to forgive myself.

Please I need advice seriously. I need to know what to do to save this poor woman. She's my best friend and we've been friends for ages. It's so painful to watch her hurt and her home seems to be falling apart.


  1. wow...some women are really wicked.
    I dont think you should tell Jane just yet as she will be devastated. That frame of mind is not conducive for conception. if you can, speak to paul to rethink his steps. Remind him that the grass is not necessarily greener on the other side.
    Encourage Jane to start working again so that she will not be left without anything if the worst happens. She should find money and get the IVF herself if Paul will not pay for it...i think its worth doing to save her marriage.
    This is why people dont like helping other people, if Jane did not allow Paul to give that wretch a ride this will not be happening.

  2. The messenger always gets shot be wise. I would set them up such that Jane finds out on her own without any party knowing I was involved

  3. Please what are you waiting for? You better call her asap and spill it all. Or is it your accounts you are worried about? If you were in her shoes how will you feel? There you go.

  4. I think the best advice you can give her now is to start work...this will probably help take her mind off things and reduce her anxiety. I have a couple of friends that are working on getting pregnant and one of such people told me that stopping work doesn't necessarily help. Again, i never advise pple to go on birth control pills cos it sometimes brings up issues like this.

    As for telling her, it depends on how she will take it. I am not one to rush off and tell these thgs. It depends on the person's ability to handle truths and stuff. You are her friend and will surely know whether she can handle it. You could also speak to her hubby but who knows what will come out of it, some men can be selfish; it could even be that the man is the problem. My advice is that the lady needs to get herself together first and first step is finding a job and working towards financial independence. Every other hg will fall in line

  5. My dear, you need to tell your friend. This is not a one night stand, he is actually in a real long term relationship with Cynthia. Maybe write her an anonymous letter and present hard facts in it or make sure she catches them both in bed.The fact that he doesn't want to try IVF makes me believe he is planning to leave your friend. You need to find a way to tell her!But then for all you know, Jane may already even know about the relationship sef!

  6. well.... I don't think you should tell her, this could destroy her and her marriage, and the marriage is still worth saving.

    I believe Paul is desperate and that's why he is lavishing money on Cynthia (which is wicked to his wife), it doesn't mean he will leave his wife..

    Cynthia to me is very very greedy and wicked! some women are like that, they want what you have and dont care who gets burnt... as long as it isn't them they don't care.

    First, maybe advice your Friend to get a job, she should start working again and start saving her own money...if she can save up for the IVF that will be awesome!

    Maybe set a trap for them.. let Jane catch them redhanded, by work closely with the husband and I believe Jane has no clue what is going on (he prolly still treats her well?)

    so let her catch him ...

    good luck

  7. you could buy a sim, and send your friend an anonymous message setting her hubby up, so that she can find out by herself. on the other hand pray and ask God to scatter the relationship between paul and the said cynthia.

  8. @ anon12:44 you took the words out of my mouth. Set them up and go in bended kneels

  9. There are a lot of indirect ways to tell her. Leave clues and be smart about it. It would only be fair for her to know. People can be wicked, i agree, but pls do not wait before the damage is done then you start having regrets.

  10. if it was you, what would you prefer? Maybe reverse the roles and think of the outcome.

    Tricky situation but I think the man should man up and sort it out asap. Try speaking with him. If you are worried about your job well lets just say he can decide to take it somewhere else regardless of whether you are tell Jane or not. Cynthia perhaps means business.I think that the job shouldn't be a motivation to standing against what you think its unfair.

    You should pray for wisdom. I personally think Jane knows or has an idea about hubby and mistress, she aint stupid but hey she has other worries on her mind. Women have good intuition and a wife can suss out a cheating husband.

  11. it is always painful to see your friend being cheated. however, i advice that you speak to her in parables and probably set it up in away she will find out herself. i don't know how close you are to the family but it is not bad if you talk to the husband about it. good luck


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