Sunday, April 7, 2013

Dear Myne - Should I Go After Him or Give it Time?

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Hi Myne, I really love your blog (and both your novels), it feeds my romantic soul! I struggled with sending this email but I'm losing my mind so I hope your readers can help me. I apologise if you have addressed a similar issue previously but I couldn't find anything so here it goes....

I met a great guy some years ago now. It was like fate because he was in a different country but his friend met me and instantly thought we'd click. He was right, we did. We talked on the phone for about 3 months and then work took me to his location so we met in person. He had visa issues so he couldn't come to me in case you wondered. Before I went, we had great communication and we talked every day and for several hours on the weekend. He told me a lot of things, some that were very sensitive (visa situation e.g.) and he also opened up about his family etc.

I knew I was developing feelings for him but I forced myself to wait till I met him in person before I truly let go in case I wasn't physically attracted to him (seen him on skype but still needed to see him in the flesh) but the minute I laid eyes on him my heart leapt out of my body and right into his hands. Sadly, he didn't return the favour and whilst we spent all my free time together, he would just stare at me and say he liked me but he needed to process what to do with the relationship.

This led to a lot of frustration on my part (after all, I'd given our children names in my head) so the idea of "let's take it one day at a time" was the last thing I wanted to hear. We kissed but never went further but he bought me flowers and took me to lunches and dinners. I met all his friends and attended church with him. I left frustrated that he hadn't committed but glad I had a good time.

I'm ashamed to say, I hounded him daily with questions like where are we going? What are we doing? How do you feel? Completely oblivious to his situation at the time ( struggling, not able to work whilst waiting for papers), all I could think about was how we were both mid to late 30s and we needed to marry. After all, I accepted him with all his problems so what was the issue? I was so childish, it didn't even occur to me that I couldn't move to his location because I didn't have the visa either but I was in love and I thought that was enough.

Eventually, he had enough of my nagging and he walked away. He stopped taking my calls and wouldn't respond to my emails or texts. As we were not in the same country, I couldn't physically go to beg him and I was too ashamed to involve the cousin so I just let it burn and try to get over the pain. It messed me up so badly, I started to go to counselling. There, in the last 6months, I've learnt to see my mistakes. I'm not saying he was perfect but I definitely handled things terribly. I used to get so emotional that I would yell, cry, scream, anything to manipulate him into moving faster. He never said he didn't care or me, all he said was wait.

I was sad that I could have contributed to the demise of our relationship but I finally accepted the situation and started to move on. Suddenly, without warning, I got an email from him (nearly a year after we last spoke) and all it said was "I was wrong, can I call you?".

Stunned, I froze but eventually agreed to talk to him. He missed the time he was meant to call and I went beserk. All the counselling went out the window as the rawness of the pain came back and I felt abandoned all over again (all this because he didn't call when he said he would) and I sent him the rudest ugliest email, called him names and showed out all over again.

I realised my mistake as soon as I hit send but it was too late. I had to email him an apology and ask him to please call. He replied he would but he just was scared of my anger. Eventually he called and no, he wasn't looking to rekindle, he just wanted to apologise for disappearing.

That was 3 months ago and he never called me back but I can't stop thinking about this man. I still have very strong feelings and I am still going to counselling to deal with my anger issues but of course, he doesn't know that. I've been thinking of flying out to where he is. I just can't let it go till I see it in his eyes. A part of me believes he may still have had feelings for me when he emailed me after so long but I blew it.

So what do you think? Should I just forget about this or should I follow my heart and see if seeing him face to face would make a difference? I'm so confused right now but I'm very close to booking the ticket. I plan to stay in a hotel and only call him on landing. Please help!!!


  1. Hi dear should I say I'm in this situation, but the thing is deep down I sat down and asked myself would it reaLly work(after 5years he says I'm still getting to know you,I almost fainted with laughter when he said it) his a great guy no doubt but his not mine and doesn't exactly hold some very important values I hold dearly so I told the guy to just go and I prayed to God and said I'm done with it all,help me and I have never felt more peace.

    So yes we should deal with our anger issues but pray to God and believe deep down he'll answer..

    All the best...x

  2. hmmmm,very sensitive issue honey,i advice you just follow your heart.All the best,cheers!

  3. It's obvious you're doing a lot of fighting for the relationship and so far he hasn't lifted a muscle. If you think you can go on fighting like this with and for him throughout your life then you can go on and book the ticket. But if you understand that you deserve better and understand the importance of your life partner valuing you highly even with your faults, then you sit this one out, purge yourself of the guy and move on. Be warned that he'll still send you more mails in future so make the decision you'd stick to.

    1. How do you know he didn't lift a finger. She said herself that she sabotaged the relationship. She will do the same thing next time unless she works on herself. Will u blame the guys everytime?

  4. Hmmmmm my dearie KNOW YOUR SPACE IN PEOPLE'S LIFE AND ACT ACCORDINGLY,ITS NOT PRIDE ITS SELF RESPECT. My darling i am sure that guy is old enough to know what he wants, if he needs you trust me he will come back. Pls stop breaking ur own heart because of someone that doesnt care. Pls love yourself more than anything,look beautiful and happy. Someday a guy that would see your heart will come. Pls abeg the guy should shift sef.My darling i know you may be under pressure but let me tell you its better to be single than be in an abusive marriage or rship.Look unto God and learn from your mistakes,stop condemning urself you made mistakes and its time to move on and know that you wont DIE SINGLE. The only person that can help you is yourself, take it a step at a time, be determined to bring out the best in you and above all Love God and ask him for help. Talk to him like your father, tell him to heal you and help you become a better you. As for the anger issue you aint alone but i know it only gets better if you decide to get better. Pls be happy, treat yourself to something different.Do not look desperate or beg a man to love you. ITS NOT WORTH IT its eevn in the bible a man shall LEAVE HIS PARENTS AND FIND A WOMAN and not the other way round. Pls use the ticket money to get urself a change of wardrobe or do something that makes you happy. Develop the best rship with urself first and pls stop you biological clock from ticking.Fine girl toh bad,toh sexy,toh fine,toh intelligent,toh God fearing pls be patient hon. Bear Hugs and plenty love

    1. Thanks so much! You've blessed a soul. You have said it all.

    2. Thank you, I loved your comment!

  5. Hello, your story is quite touching. You might not like my next statement but you asked for our opinion and I'm giving mine - you are desperate. And he knows it. He might not marry you because of the desperation he senses and the anger issue. But my dear that is okay. It's not the end of your world. If he refuses to accept you and your insecurities, let him go. It's never too late for God to answer your prayers and He will give you the man that will gladly accept all of the person you are at the right time. Please try not to rush into anything and have faith in God.

  6. Dear sis,

    STAY IN YOUR LANE!!! Do you know what that means?! Staying in your lane? There is a video on Youtube: that explains this very clearly. The video is sorta crude, but this ish is the truth!

    You are about to go see a man that hasn't invited you and has not shown interest in you in the past three months, but you believe you will be able to TELL from his EYES, abi? when he told you the last time he called you that he wasn't looking to rekindle the romance? What else do you need to HEAR other than what he has told you? What if you get there and he doesn't want to see you? Or is married? Have you considered the ramifications of your intended action? Please, respect yourself and STAY IN YOUR LANE!

    You clearly have issues that you need to deal with before getting into a relationship; your insecurity and anger issues are primary issues. If not dealt with, you will keep having the same issues over and over again. LOVE yourself above all. Be HAPPY and SECURE in your own skin first. I wish you all the best.

    Sorry if I sound really harsh but your email sounded like you needed a good talking to :)

    1. I concur with this comment... harsh talk said in love and honesty is always needed.
      I will say awwww, how I feel like hugging you and telling it will be fine.

      When he called the shots, he had his reasons whatever they were. Also when he called you back, am sensing he was testing you to see if you had changed or grown a bit but then again he prolly missed you for a bit and thought to check up on you. Either way, you acted as if you two were an item, which clearly isnt the case. As a guy, I think he should understand its your emotions running high but not all dudes get it.

      I will advice you to use this experience as a learning process to better understand yourself and your emotions. You will miss him, and am sure he misses you too but it is what it is. Emotions are serious things oo.hmmm, they can break or make you, as Ayodeji said, be happy and secure, love or no love. Let him do the fighting, if he isnt tearing his hair because of you then omo renew your mind o... Its aint easy but with time you will heal. Guys are wired differently but if it is meant to be, it will. Yes you might have contributed but stop beating yourself up instead forgive yourself and the situation.

      I think you should definitely pray for strength to heal. I was kinda in a similar position except that we went out but he wasn't ready for deeper commitments i.e. marriage. From my own experience, my own is don't kill yourself over anybody, everything will fall into place in its time. Don't invest heavily. For instance, talking too much knowing very well he isn't ready will only feed your own emotions nah. These days if the guy is acting funny, I will keep mute and just leave it. Its the dude that will ask me whats up o? The days of interrogation are over. KIA, say wetin.

      You will be

    2. I feel like we would have been very good friends with the tone of your comment! You couldn't have said it better. The days of interrogation are so over!

  7. I 100% agree with Ayodeji, you need to deal with your issues first and get over the pain, otherwise you will replay these scenarios in any relationship you get into.

    Yes you may have scared him off with your issues but its not the end of the world, recognise your mistake, heal and move on, your own husband will be willing to work with you on these issues and not be scared away.

    I would say, do not visit this guy with you been so raw, you won't be doing your healing process any favours, besides as already said what if he has moved on.

    All the best dear.

  8. How can anyone even blame the man? She has already admitted that she is somewhat crazy. To the guy, she is toxic and he is old enough to know what he wants.
    Imagine you are even stalking the guy. Haba! The best thing you can do is write him a heartfelt letter explaining your actions, your insecurities, your fears and what you have been doing to manage them. Then he can decide whether he wants to go ahead and hold your hands during the therapy sessions.
    Don't let people fool you that God is sending you Mr Right, at this rate you are going, even Mr Right will have second thoughts.
    Work on yourself girl.

  9. LeSigh ....

    A friend tweeted this awhile ago, “Men don't take the time to end things. They ignore you, until you insist on a declaration of hate.”. To be honest, put yourself in his shoes and ask yourself this question, "why should he marry you, given your past with him" ? Then, secondly you need to ask yourself, "Why would you want marry him?" Given all this time, and please do not say you love him. It's sad but some women respond greatest to rejection. Nothing hurts more than unrequited Love. Save yourself THE MONEY, THE STRESS and The time and do not show up at that mans door. I believe you have emotionally invested yourself into this man (i.e. naming his children), thus in your head you have set up a foundation to this "one sided relationship". Sadly, that foundation appears to be made in sand, because if you can go crazy over a "delayed" apologetic phone call then this "relationship" really needs work. Sadly, if i were him given what you did, if I were looking to repair things with that conversation, I would have RAN and RAN fast. One of the FUNNIEST verses in the bible to me is Proverbs 21:9, "Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife." LOL. It's sad, today marriages are not made to endure like most of our mothers and fathers, they end over littlest things. Please take head to not rushing anything he is obviously not ready financially and you are obviously not ready emotionally. Move on Love, i don't want to be too scripture-ish but you should want what my friends call a "Jacob Love" .... That a man (ilke Jacob in the Bible) would labor 7 Years for you! Stop reaching out to him, if he wants you he will come for you. Its that Simple.

  10. All I see is a desperate and angry woman...sorry to be crude but then that is all I see from your story...even I would run as fast as I can.

    Deal with your issues and find a man who is ready to love you for who you are and darling, please be patient.

  11. Enough said,NEXT pls!

  12. There's no need to go over to him coz it'll only worsen matters. No man (except the desperate ones) will see you with that anger and commit to marriage. You're not yet his wife & you're going that length, what'll happen when you become his wife? Voice of Sagacity

  13. Opinionated GalApril 26, 2013 9:59 PM

    Don't take this the wrong way dear but you need to build yourself.... do you feel complete within you and do you love yourself? If you do, then you would realize that you do not need the love of this guy to validate you or make you content. You are a queen, beautiful, precious and good. You deserve someone who will treat you like royalty - yes, even if you throw a temper... a reasonable guy who loves you for all of you would understand and talk with you or reason with you rather than behaving distant and aloof. True... you may have some flaws and anger issues and maybe a little bit of desperation but try to fix those things and let this guy go. He is not worth it at all.... TRUST ME!! I have experience so I know what I am talking about. He is afraid of your anger my foot... he probably has another girlfriend or something... or thinks he is soooooo cute (probably has other chicks going gaga over him like you are too) and is sampling. He has to prove himself first.

    Opinionated Gal has spoken!

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