Friday, April 19, 2013

Dear Myne - I'm Not the Type of Woman He Wants to Marry?

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I am 28 and had been dating for 3 years. My relationship was quite steady and I expected my guy to propose when I finished service 2 years ago. My birthday, his birthday and our dating anniversary came and went by and he still didn't proposed, I presumed he was going to propose immediately I got a job, but even this didn't happen, I knew I had to do something. So, after yet another birthday, I sat him down and told him we needed to talk.

I asked him if he had any intention of getting married and when, so I will know how to plan my life and that was when I got the shocker of my life! He began by saying he used to love me but right now, he didn't think I was the type of woman he wanted to marry and after probing and probing, he came up with these excuses.

I kept secrets from him. He said he'd gone through my phone and discovered that I will rather talk to my friends and family instead of talking to him about issues that bother me. An example was the marriage issue which I'd discussed with my best friend over our BB about 5 moths ago and I didn't know he had seen it. He also mentioned an abortion I had for him over a year ago which I didn't think I should mention lest he thinks I was trying to trap him with pregnancy. I was shocked that he knew, yet, he didn't raise the issue until now. I tried to explain my reasons to him, which was that I din't want to sound desperate or come across as wanting to trap him, but he insisted that he had the right to know and would have been happy to take full responsibility of the child. He said he never forgave me for having the abortion without his consent.

The next point was a bigger shocker; I'd stopped being stylish. I stopped being dressy and didn't care about my appearance any more. That was absolutely untrue as the only reason why I wasn't so fashionable any more was because I was trying to save money for our future as well not ask him for so much money so that I won't come across as a gold digger just because he's rich.

I had become boring and unadventurous. He said when we started dating, I always came up with great ideas on what we should do and where we should visit. I also enjoyed visiting hotels and laughed alot but these days, even when he suggests something fun, I always had one reason or another why we couldn't do them. He said, he didn't want a boring wife. This one was a shocker, as I work now. Was I supposed to leave my job and go jumping around with him?

I had lots of things on my mind which he has noticed I don't talk about. He said, I took a lot of shit from him an he knows I hurt, yet, I don't ask him or demand and explanation. He mentioned the time he was cheating with his colleague whom he told me once was just a friend. He said he knows that I knew that he was lying but rather than ask him, I was imploding and waiting for us to get married before I explode. He said he could see it and feel that I never try to resolve issues with him, I sweep them under the carpet.

After this last statement, I totally lost it. I felt so hurt, I felt like I was going to die. Why didn't he say all these things all these while, why didn't the talk about them? Wasn't he as guilty as I was? Why was I the one being blamed for all these things? Couldn't we have worked on them? Do these things mean I am not good enough to be his wife? I was so shocked that he kept so much on his mind after 3 long years of dating.

I walked away in pain, hoping he'll call me and invite us talk about them.

It's been over 3 weeks now and he hasn't called even once. I have been fighting with the temptation to call but I'm afraid he's already made up his mind about us. He admitted he's ready to get married but doesn't think I'm the woman he should be married to.

Now, I'm wondering, should I pick up my phone and call him, should I go and see him, go on my knees and beg him? will it make any difference? Is he just trying to test my level of patience and endurance?

I have spent the last 3 years of my life seeing him as my future husband and loving him, where do I start from? how can I pick up the pieces of my life if we don't get back together?

Please I need genuine advice.


  1. Dearest, I feel so moved by your words. This is the height of pain and I feel for you dear. You must have shed tears for him and have had your heart broken because of him. I agree that you would have told him about the pregnancy instead of aborting it... in my personal opinion, men are scared of women who have the guts to abort, it really takes a strong woman to go through the knife. But, I won't judge you, you are a woman, you are strong, you are beautiful and you tried your best to make the man you 'loved' love you for who you are. I placed 'loved'in emphasis because the truth is this dear, it is time to move on. Walk far away from hurt and draw closer to God, He made you, He loves you and He saw all these imperfections this guy mentioned about you and still loves you and will, forever. Love is kind, caring, not selfish, never condemning, Love is complete and whole. Truth is, even if this guy comes back to you, you might never forgive the words he said to you and maybe he might not truly forgive all the (so-called) wrongs you did while you both were dating.
    Shake the dust off your feet, purify, refresh and nourish your soul with the word of the Lord and get back on track.
    Your right man will be there waiting...

  2. It is sadening though but what belongs to you must not be let go. When ever it comes to the issue of marriage, men are very careful who they proposed to. From my own little experience and view, that guy just needed you to say 'Am Sorry'. I remember vividly what my dad told me; he said the reason why he married my mum was just because of one single one that she said after accusing her of something similar you posted. immediately, she went on her knee and said she was sorry even when she knew she was right and he was wrong.
    Young lady, go and apologize and stop forming De'boss.

    1. hmmmmmm I'm sorry but you make no sense. First, how do you know it belongs to her. Secondly, several have done what your mum did, swallowed their pride and then turned around to poison the man sometime during the marriage.
      It takes a real man to know when he is wrong and it is a real man that would allow a woman to express herself without expecting her to suppress her feelings and hide under a docile mask. Little wonder some women do not cry when their husbands die.

    2. Opinionated GalApril 26, 2013 9:42 PM

      Sorry to say but that advice is a whole load of CRAP. The guy does not deserve her...we women often fall into the trap of putting guys we love on a pedestal...putting their needs before our own, trying to be the perfect person for them while our inner needs and desires go unappreciated and unmet....and this is the reason a lot of women suffer from emotional and verbal abuse. If he loves her, he will not be telling her all this nonsense.

      Opinionated Gal has spoken!

  3. Hmmmmm.

    Well, let's see. Both of you are doing a lot of not talking, which isn't good for either of you. I feel like you tried too much to be the perfect wife material. When you're in a relationship with someone, you should be able to talk to him about everything, especially the things that concern him. If you cannot talk to him, then maybe you're in the wrong place.

    I have to say that I see where he's coming from, saying that you keep things from him. Why would you have an abortion and not tell him? It's a baby. His baby. It's shady. I know you had the best intentions, but let's remember that the path to hell is paved with good intentions.

    It shouldn't have taken you five months to talk to him about marriage. You talked to your best friend, but not to the person you wanted to marry?

    Why didn't you confront him about him cheating? How could you know and not say anything about it? And why would you even want to marry someone who was cheating on you?

    That said, he did not handle it properly either. You did wrong first, but he also chose to do wrong too.

    Bottom line: what's done is done. I can understand his fear to marry you, but I don't think this is something that cannot be worked out. You both have to be willing and honest with each other first.

    The fact that he cheated makes me want to say, forget it and move on. But then, you had the abortion and kept so many things from him. So I say, if you really love him, and you are ready to change, then give him a call. If he's not willing to meet/talk/try again, then let him be.

    ** I'm sorry for any spelling errors in my response. I'm too lazy to proof read.

  4. The first mistake you did was to assume that this relationship was headed to the altar and treat it as such in the last 3 years. He doesn't love you anymore and as such you have 2 choices pick yourself up, cry be angry and move on or sit back and hope that he will love you again and waste another 3 years of your life. From all indications even if he married you out of pity or pressure now my dear it will not last ever heard the saying it is better to marry a man who loves you more than you love him...women can learn to love men just tolerate the one they have been forced to love

  5. May be you should call him and talk to him, hes expecting you to talk to him from what youve written above he expects you to react. Give it a try if you really love this guy. But remember you also as he said made mistakes. You dont keep quiet over things and wait until the God knows when to talk about it, you should have told him you were pregnant, shit happens. He found out. if he really liked you at that point he would have taken responsibility. However, he lost it when he found out you had things you were hiding from him. You shouldnt have done that. Men take some things very personal especially when it comes to that. Pray, ask for forgiveness, and if it doenst work let it be. God will bring someone else. And dont be anxious. But please, be yourself if there are things you need to talk about, do call him and give it a try one more time, and please, say it the way it is not necessarily being rude or nasty, but be open. All the best.

  6. "how can I pick up the pieces of my life if we don't get back together?"

    You will pick up the pieces of your life and you will move on. I read your story and I felt your pain. I'm going to be honest with you. I understand where he's coming from about you just sweeping things under the rug. Why didn't you talk about the issues you had with him? He's right to be scared that you are just keeping quiet because you want to marry and then after marriage your "true colour" will show.

    It's clear that you still have feelings for him or maybe it's the investment you put into the relationship that's getting to you. kai... men are wicked sha. He just let you go like that? VERY WICKED OF HIM. NONSENSE! I think you should call him sha. Have a few TRUSTED people call him as well preferably siblings because all these friends of boyfriends cannot be trusted.

    Call him. Talk to him. Tell him you'll start talking from now on and the only reason you kept quiet was beacuse you just wanted peace. Pray about it as well. Don't go and enter marriage that you won't have peace of mind.

    He even had the mouth to say he cheated and you didn't say anything about it! Chai!! You too you knew he cheated and you didn't say anything about it. Are you wood? I'm suspecting you sef.

    Oya sorry, I'm not suspecting you. Just try and talk to him. Beg him if you must. Pray about it and take it up from there.

    Whatever you do, don't lose your dignity.

    Sorry dear.


  7. This has IT IS OVER WRITTEN ALL OVER IT. Very painful! He is very calculating and sure of what he wants. I believe he cares for you but you have done some things that will be difficult for many to overlook. That abortion is hard one to swallow. He deserved to know now.
    Your only weapon right now is emotional blackmail. You don't have much option as it is. Express your love to him and explanations, ask for his forgiveness then let him be and go into prayers hardcore. God will sort you out. DO NOT CONTACT HIM. Begging is what he is expecting you to do from the way he has described you. The guy seem very sure of himself and what he wants and feels you don't fit the bill. It's painful but it is better to hear it now than in marriage. Goodluck

  8. Dt abortion stuff must have been d beginning of his prob wt many tots must hv rang in his head
    y didnt she tell me she was pregnant
    y go fr an abortion wtout my consent
    am i sure am even responsible fr d pregnancy
    since she cn do ds,dt means anything can happen in our marriage
    her heart must b stony

    i suggest u talk t him again,apologise n wen he refuses...pls move on

  9. I am mostly with Vera on this one, there are so many things wrong already, the foundation of this relationship is faulty, too many secrets, too much acting, you cannot sustain a marriage like that, the perfect wife is a myth and to every man, THE perfect wife is relative, so how you wan do am now, you see you didn’t even know what your guy wanted in a wife and you put yourself through all that …my money is that he might have liked the genuine you, faults and all better
    Honey you should have just come clean each and everytime… kudos though for discussing where d relationship his headed at 3 yrs, some sisters would have waited 7 years!

    In my mind, the major thing you should apologise for is aborting his child without telling him, even me sef fear when i read that...every other thing to me is not as serious.....your not being stylish, not being adventurous, discussing stuff with your best friend( i do that sometimes too) and i do it just in case i am crazy i just want to bounce it off someone else i can trust , so no judgment from me about that too...then for him saying he cheated on you ( what for ?)and he expected you to say something and you didn’t ...the guy is not even worth all the bending backwards you were doing IMO …..but that stuff is also scary for a guy, he's gonna think this ‘babe will just poison me if i cheat after we marry’.. the point is too many issues to be worked out and I am not feeling this your guy, so I am not optimistic that this relationship can work, but I am not God and praying can change things and change people too but don’t rule that out, just saying.. . I think you should call him or go see him and apologise for your role in the demise of this relationship, own your mistakes ( aborting his child) and let him own his own mistakes i.e the cheating, not confronting you when he thought something was amiss etc, those one are on him abeg...apologise, tell him your reasons/issues whatever it is that will give you closure…and let it be for now. All the best dear, you will be fine...

    1. you are right. aborting that baby was so wrong. I mean, it raises a lot of questions like was the baby his? In fact, if the man had come to me for advice, I would have said "be careful because she can also kill you. she can secretly use love potion on you to serve her best interests."
      Both of them started on a wrong foundation.
      I would advice this lady to write him and explain why she did those things. Apologize for the abortion (it was his baby!!!). Then end the letter with a take care ie no expectations of a reunion. The ball would then be in his court whether he wants to reunite or not. That way her dignity is not dinged.

  10. Seems like his mind is already made up since he didn't give you time to explain or apologise.My dear it may not be easy but you have to move on. A man who u've been with for 3yrs and who really loves you should be able to confront u when u're wrong afterall no one is perfect. I'm even scared of him keeping record of all ur faults without opening his mouth. You were wrong having an abortion without his knowledge but nothing is beyond pardon. My opinion is he doesn't want to marry u n is coming up with excuses.pple ve done worse stuffs but were forgiven.
    what i dont understand is y u wont tell a man u're pregnant when he is the one responsible.u dont want to bother him as if u got urself pregnant. Ladies shud let men take responsibilities for their irresponsibilities.
    Forget about ur age,forget about the 3yrs u wasted with him and MOVE ON. If he doesnt marry u, another man will. I dont advise u to go and beg a man whose mind is already made up. Dont forget to work on urself in the areas he mentioned.

    1. My thoughts especially. He is a very calculating man, looking for excuses himself. Let him go. Please.
      If he is hours he will come back, if not another man will discover the treasure that's you.

  11. Whoa! You kept secrets; he kept his. You put up an act so as to be considered as the perfect wife material; he was up in pretense too. You bent your back over to please him; he stood tall, disconnected & unflinching with his ego. IT TAKES TWO to make a relationship work! A man who truly loves you would point out your flaws, and seek to make you a better person for the both of you. If he detected you were no longer stylish or as interesting as you used to be, in what ways did he seek to spice up the relationship? My take is that the spark died for him a long time ago. He fell out of love, and was biding time to hit you where it would hurt you the most. A calculated & poisonous man is not the type a woman should spend the rest of her life with. You were VERY WRONG about the abortion, but he was a snake to have kept mute and played along.

    Dear Sister, pls pick up the pieces of your life and move on. Cuz even if you call for the intervention of trusted people, if he accepts you back, it would be out of pity & not love. You'd have a harder time dealing with his ego, his idea of perfection, and his sensitivity. Walk away while you can, and pls learn to TALK & keep all communicatio lines open in your next relationship. May The Lord be with you...

  12. This r/ship is so not it? with all these secrets and all, you guys still mate, eat together, go out together, etc. How is your love life like? Am sorry anyways, but i feel you should just move on cos i know you must av tried xplaning things to him and to think that he has not contcated you since 3weeks now!, his mind is really made up.

    ps to the ladies; pls delete wateva it is you might have on your fone that could jeopadize your r/ship. it helps alot and works for me.

  13. It's a very delicate situation with so much at stake. I hope it works out well for them in the end. It's obvious the love is still there, just lack of communication between both sides.
    Why not arrange to talk things over with the guy -making the first move will not reduce her worth whatsoever. It's not too late to work things out and maybe even start all over. All the best!

  14. Everyone so far has pointed out your wrong and I am pretty sure you agree with them. If i were in your shoes, I will justify myself that I took the necessary steps to correct my wrongs. I will call him up, ask to see him, ask him not to utter a word and pls hear me out while I explain to him my reasons for what I did. I will say I am sorry and that I still want him back as I have realized my wrongs (we all do have 'em). Whatever he decides after this attempt, I will live with and be sure not to carry on the actions that triggered him off to my next relationship. I hope that while he listens to you, he will look beyond your acts to the motif behind them which i believe stems from love.
    I kinda admire you, how did you stomach all of that all by yourself? It proves you've got some inner strength which maybe useful if this doesn't work out.
    I also advise you get closer to God, get born again (if you aren't) and get to discover who you really are (sorry if this sounds offensive), find out what God has made you to be. When that happens, you won't find yourself 'acting out a script written by our society'. It doesn't matter what you may have done wrong (he didn't do any better), you deserve the best my sister, so go for it.
    I wish you the best and please draw out that inner strength you have so far exhibited at a time like this.

  15. I feel your pain and to a large extent can relate to you. You come across as someone who would suffer in silence to keep the peace - I don't think you were been calculative just to get the ring as your boyfriend is thinking

    However, I agree with everyone that the abortion was a bit too much - even me go fear.....but I don't judge you. The important thing is to learn from all this episode and move on. I don't think this guy is testing your patience, he has bluntly told you are not for him - take it as face value or waste another so and so years waiting for him to propose.

    For your own peace you could reach out to him and tell him what you have told us here - let him know and understand what your intentions were - even if he doesn't believe you, you would have made your peace with this relationship and get closure.

    I strongly believe your husband is out there - who will love you warts and all. I don't mean to bring religion into this but I recently listened to Myles Munroe who was saying a man will lovingly help his wife/woman to be a better person and vice versa. All the best and be strong

  16. The multitude always say "Break a few hearts, get yours broken...thats puts the zest in life"
    ManCee agrees somewhat but also knows how hard it must be for you.
    Firstly, I'd say settle with yourself the very real possibility of the fact that you may not get together again. It will help you see him differently, perhaps for who he really is. (did you mention he cheats?).

    YOU may just discover that he isnt REALLY the kind of guy you wanna settle with.

    Sit down and ask yourself when you wan marry dis guy? Why him? E get money? You go soon get ya own. Moreover, now that you are'll soon see all d fine working bobos wey dey find correct babe to settle down with.

    But you sef harsh sha o..."abortion". Just like so? Hissokay...I no dey judge you.

    Wipe your eyes sweetie, settle your heart, have a last shag with him and move on if he wants to. May my oga at the top bless you.

    An advise from the Multitude to never forget :"NEVER negotiate when you are hungry".


    1. Love your comment Mancee, tuale to you,lol! You spoke well and i guess what hurts more is the thought of her being lonely and having wasted 3years. For me gal, i think you should make up your mind and move on,like yesterday. May the Lord heal ur broken heart, Amen.

  17. Men would forgive anything even sometimes cheating but aborting their child without their approval...I am sure that is his biggest issue as every other sins are forgiveable.

  18. You dated for 3 years, and were exclusive lovers, save when he cheated. Your family knows him, and vice versa. Guys are not that willing to throw away all that too na. Talk to him and apologize. Both of you were at fault, you for the abortion and all, and him for keeping quiet. Apologize. Pray about it. But in case it doesnt work, learn from this.

  19. for me i think you should make up your mind that this relationship may be over. i don't judge you about the abortion and i believe when we make mistakes we shouldn't dwell on it but how to move on and be a better person. Trust me when a relationship doesn't work there will always be someone better and you will get over him after a while, that is life.

  20. harsh truth? this was never a relationship to start with.. it was an act... too many secrets, if u love someone, u should be able to trust d person, not hide stuff from him, saying u didn't want to come across as trapping him(with pregnancy) just shows how little u ppl know about each other... IMO, move on, I don't mean get into another relationship immediately, au contraire, take ur time, learn to trust, enjoy life alone.. really there's no rush... wish u d best

  21. Its over darling. Move on. And in my opinion he doesn't trust you.
    Not only that; the fact that u keep silent on issues just doesn't work for him. I think he's bored,he's fallen out of love with you,and he needs/wants a STRONG woman. Someone to call him out when he's giving out BS.
    You tried so hard to be a wife material,meek,doing stuff behind his back because you don't want to "disturb" him. Having issues with him u discuss it with ur friend because yet again,u don't want to "disturb" him.
    Babe,learn from this. And move on. I don't even want to comment on the abortion own cus ehn,your heart strong. If he wants you,he will come for you. Just apologise to him for aborting his baby, cus truth be told,you OWE that man an Apology. And then dust your feet and go. If he comes for you,Fine. If he doesn't,accept it,learn from your mistakes and use what you've learnt in your next relationship.

    God be with you. Relationships are not easy, we learn every day.

  22. I'm a guy. LISTEN to him. He has said EXACTLY what his problem is with you, go and BEG and change all those things he's complained about NOW before another babe hooks him. Next time dont wait so long before you say sorry, BEG before he even finishes talking! Dont just beg without action o! Wear some hot lingerie, fix your nails and hair, cook him a hot meal and give the blowjob of his life. Come back and tell me it didn't work.

    This is the problem with women, you never listen

    1. @ Anonymous, r u sure it works?

      She is not the one alone, even i have some similar issues like her. But doesnt begging to him will make matter even worse. Is BEGging the only solution that is left??

  23. sorry I breezed through all the comments, so I couldn't notice if any one had mentioned the fact that he doesn't want her to work. The guy is merely confused. You say she's too subservient yet, you complain that she works? you complain she doesn't bring issues up for discussion? what of the ones you kept to yourself till she asked? Like someone said, what you people have is a sham. Move on my dear, it won't be easy, but I'm sure you can. and don't let those your village people start reminding you of how your biological clock is way past midnight. Find happiness, or like someone says, let happiness find you. stay blessed eh?

  24. Hey...brothers can be mean sometimes,right? Its well with you.Please DON'T CALL him.Read "The PrinciplesWoman" by Michelle Mckinney Hammond.May the God of Grace fill you with love and forgiveness.Oh,and 28 is super young.Trust me;)

  25. Please don't go back to him. Yes, you did something wrong, but he should have confronted you. He clearly paid you back in your own coin which is very terrible for a guy. The truth is if you go back, he'll only ridicule you more cos he'll think he has all the aces. For him to have waited this long means if you end up marrying him, he'll mete out worse punishments to you.


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