Monday, April 8, 2013

Dear Myne - I'm Finding it Hard to Forgive my Boyfriend

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I met my boyfriend last year and we have been dating for several months ago. He's very kind-hearted, supportive, reliable, considerate and is a good christian.

Before we started dating, he told me about a girl he was close friends with for a year before we met. He had liked her very much and throughout that period wooed her, but she refused to date him. However they remained really close and did many things together. Most people that saw them together thought they were dating, but his friends knew otherwise and advised him to stop wasting time with her because her 'shakara' was too much. He then decided to stop trying to woo her and then moved on.

It was after that, that we met through a mutual friend who match-made us. I really liked him (still do very much) and he is everything I want in a man. I agreed to date him, despite the fact that we live far away from each other. He lives in another state, some hours away from my state, so we have a long-distance relationship. Even with that our relationship is really strong. He's my confidant. We talk everyday, tell each other everything, laugh, cry together and we visit each other some weekends or other times when we are not busy. We are both very committed to the relationship.

The last weekend I went to see him, we had lunch in his house, and while he was cleaning up, I took his phone and just looked through it playfully (we don't check each other's phones, so there was nothing I was looking for). I went to his text messages and then noticed something. I saw the name of someone that looked familiar. I had seen him once receive a text from the same person before and also speak to her on the phone. When he spoke with her on the phone then, he told her he was at a 'friend's' place (then he had come to visit me). I wasn't happy and told him then. He said it was just a girl that liked to disturb him and he didn't want to have to tell her he was with his girlfriend so she won't continue her wahala.

So now seeing that he had recent exchanges with this same girl had me curious. I opened the first text, still not suspecting anything. But I received shock. I thought I was dreaming. Starting from the bottom, I saw he said he missed her and had this crying smiley there..that same day he sent her the text, he had sent me a similar one that he was missing me too. Moving up, I saw that he was informing her about his whereabouts(things I thought he only told me) and called her 'baby'. It was like he was telling her the exact same things he was typing to me the same day.

After a number of kiss and hug smileys, conversations between them and seeing her 'I love u dearly' to him (which he actually didn't reply) I got another shock where I saw she referred to them as being in a relationship and asked him if he was in it for her body.

At this point I was confused, mad and sad.. I was confused because it was like I was reading some of his pings to me. He had already noticed I was looking at his phone and playfully tried to take it from me. He saw the serious look on my face and knew I wasn't in the mood for jokes. I dropped the phone angrily and asked him who he was texting with. He looked unperturbed, picked up his phone and read the text again, like it wasn't his phone.

At this point I was boiling, so ready to leave his house. We were silent for a while and he just kept staring at his phone. I had to force speech out of him. I felt like strangling him. He then continued to say I know the person, that it is that same girl he told me about that he was close to for a year before we started dating. I was really confused, because I thought it was a totally different person. I cried, shouted and demanded an explanation. Why didn't he ever tell me it was his former love interest that had that name, that day he spoke to her on the phone in front of me.

He sat me down and told me there was nothing between them. They were very close before, he liked her, she even liked him, but didn't agree to date him. He moved on, he told her he had moved on. But then she came back begging after some time and saying she was ready to have a relationship with him. He told her he wasn't interested anymore, she didn't relent and told him she really wanted him, she thought he was a really great guy and said whoever marries him is really lucky..blah blah.. And she would hold on till she really sees he's not interested.

Through all this he never told her for once that he has a girlfriend. He said, because of how close they were and what they shared before, he just couldn't cut her off. He doesn't like to hurt people, he didn't want to hurt her, so he entertains her calls and pings. Initially he didn't want to be replying her pings, but he felt bad. Gradually she became more and more expressive of her feelings for him and it had translated into the pings I saw, her saying she loved him(he made me know he didn't reply, which I saw he didn't), she misses him, talking about a relationship..

So he sort of indulged her all because he didn't want to hurt her and started to reply her pings in ways just to make her feel good..saying he misses her, calling her 'baby'(which he denies, saying he typed 'babe'. But I saw 'baby'...but now we have no proof, because that time he was staring at his phone he deleted her from his contact list). I asked him about the part where she mentioned a relationship etc..he said she just talks randomly most times like that and he ignores it (he didn't reply that part of the chat, although further down he asked what she meant by the relationship etc)

I was mad even with all he said and am still mad. Why did he lead her on, if he doesn't like her, why is he bent on not hurting her, if he doesn't like her? He claims not to have 'led her on', but just making sure she's not hurt. He admits that he knows he messed up, he should have just been firm with her and told her about our relationship, he admits he was careless in letting it go on and in not mentioning it to me, but he didn't know it would escalate to this and he didn't think it was anything that could threaten our relationship because he's not in love with her, but with me. He just didn't like the idea of cutting her off, because they were good friends

In his favour, my boyfriend is a really good person, kind-hearted like I mentioned before. He can't hurt a fly. One of the things that endears me to him. He's very considerate and puts himself in other people's shoes. I love him with all my heart, but I can't help but be angry for what he has done. It was like he was cheating on me. He said he wasn't. He doesn't like her, everything he said to her he didn't mean, he was just trying to appease her...etc

He begged and begged and looked really sad, because he was mad at himself, as he said. He even asked if I wanted to talk to her on the phone. I said no, since he's the one supposed to call her and tell her the truth. But he refused to call her while I was in his place. That's part of what is still making me sad. He said he'll find the right time, not then.

Before I left his house that day, we made up. I told him many things and made him promise not to ever make me doubt him again for even a second.

It was not until I was on my way home, in traffic that I thought about everything again. My anger increased and I let him know I was angry. I brought up everything again and asked the same questions.

I'm so mad at my bf. He keeps saying he's sorry. But I can't get over this. I don't want to talk to him. He's been calling and pinging, saying he can't concentrate and begging me to give him the benefit of the doubt. Although I don't want to let my anger, prevent me from remembering how much I love him, and how great a person he is, I want to make sure I'm not being stupid.

How do I know he's not hiding some more things? How do I know he doesn't still like her? Why won't he call her in front of me? How do I know he won't cheat on me in the future?

He has tried to convince me that he's a one man, one woman philosopher, but how do I believe him? I've never had cause to distrust him till this this and I've always thought highly of him. But now I see him a bit differently.

How do I learn to forgive my bf? Am I taking this too far. Please I need your advice.


  1. Gush! Dis is exactly wat am going thru rite nw. Waiting for comments.

    1. I'm goin through the exact same thing too...wanted to confide in Myne but she did not reply my FB message so I've been dealin with it all alone......can't wait to get people's opinion, even though I think my situation.
      Worried and unsure girl

    2. Hi Anon, Sorry, I get so much messages on my FB, please resend or email me myne @ no spaces :)

  2. How do you learn to forgive him?! My dear he is eating his cake and having it, I believe he is enjoying been the centre of two women's life. I think you are better off without him.

  3. Hmm...truly I don't know what to say, because this is the kind of thing you're not sure won't continue into the marriage. All I can say for now, is that you should really pray about this guy. Don't ignore the fact that he's not let his close friend know that you're his girlfriend.

  4. Sorry to hear that you're in this dilemma.I think you should give him a second chance...what if the tables were turned, wouldn't you want him to forgive you too?Give him a second chance but make it very clear to him that if he ever gives you a reason to doubt him, you'll walk out and I think over time, if he's truly repentant, he'll show it.make sure he earns your trust all over again. And since you're a christian pray about it.but if u feel u can't handle it emotionally, then maybe u should leave..but overall..I think you should forgive him..but in making your final decision, think about your heart and your own interest/welfare because there's no point being in a r/ship without trust.hope this helps..all the best.

  5. Make sure you let him know its either you or the earlier he chooses the better for him

  6. Calm down don't b in a hurry to probably end it or make him suffer .this should b an eye opener for u,forgive him act like nothing happened but from now onwards use ur head.

  7. Please, give him the benefit of a doubt. He might be truely sorry.

  8. Trust is a very difficult thing to do once broken. But you know what's best for you. Use your head not your heart.

  9. Hmmmn. This one is hard o. I think he should have called her in your presence. He should have explained things to her clearly while you were there. That way, you would have been able to tell from his tone of voice and body language whether he was in love with the other girl. He denied you of that opportunity.

    Your trust has been broken and truth is you caught him in an inappropriate position. Once trust is broken, it is really hard to repair. Now, if it were ME o, I can NEVER trust that person again. People who lie once will do it again and again, but see, no be me. Na you know where the shoe dey pinch you. Use your head sha. You are clearly an option, not THE one :(

    1. Love this reply
      'Shine your eye' no be curse.
      As for me, this is a warning sign. To be forewarned is to forearmed

    2. geez deji u sure know how to hit the nail on the head.

    3. when u said " u are clearly and option" that singular line answers all the questions and uncertainties.

    4. you are very right, ayodeji.
      {Even with that our relationship is really strong. He's my confidant. We talk everyday, tell each other everything, laugh, cry together and we visit each other some weekends or other times when we are not busy. We are both very committed to the relationship.}
      that phrase above doesn't mean anything. in fact, it reveals a lot. it sounds a little too idyllic coming from you. Those things don't demonstrate love because men can do same to multiple women at the same time. Honestly, if I were you, I would give him a break. If he fights for you, fine. However, it all depends on what you want in marriage sha oh. Many women were in your shoes and still went ahead because they needed to get married so it's your call.

  10. Damn. I feel sick. Except for a few details, I almost thought this was my situation from the other side. This sounds EXACTLY what I'm going through except that I'm the friend in love with my friend. I refused to date him because there were a few issues he needed to deal with first, one of them being... womanizing. When he dates someone else, it kills me, but I try to leave him alone then, but we've had such a long, close friendship for years that it's hard for me to cut off completely. He usually says he's not serious about the girl and that my relationship is so important to him that he'll be friends with me no matter what. I keep hoping he'll finally change and come back to me. But he never does. Recently, he has begun to cut me off more than he ever has. I've been leaving him alone, because I don't want to humiliate myself chasing after someone who doesn't want me. But I'm in so much pain over this. Now reading this, I feel sick. Really. If I were the girl in this post, I would get out while I could, unless she's a fool like me.

    1. I feel you on this. I have been in your shoes. You have to leave him alone and live your life. He has probably been cutting you off not because he doesn't love you but he has come to a practical decision to move on.
      If it will be, it will be but most def don't keep pining after him.

  11. It will be nice if there is an identity behind every comment given. This will make the lady feel more connected with any response given here. The idea of using anonymous makes it sound random or we have something to hide.
    No matter the advise given, you just have to follow your heart. Your action should be something you should be able to live with.

  12. Interesting post. I've been in this situation before, and I'm a guy. So let's look at it from the guy's perspective. There's one clear thing here, the guy is a decent and nice person, don't ask me how I know, just trust me on this. If he was a pro, you wouldn't catch him slipping, there wouldn't be any text messages to implicate him. Let's be objective here, the guy didn't delete his messages ( you may say he didn't expect her to check his phone), but if this guy had something really serious to hide, he would have covered his tracks. He was simply naive. He led the girl on (because he didnt want to hurt her feelings: TYPICAL NAIVETY of nice guys, trying to keep everyone happy), but remember that they are close friends and shared a flame, those type of flames don't just get extinguished overnight. To the women out there, you've fallen for a guy before and you know exactly how it feels (we all make foolish mistakes before we finally move on).

    HOWEVER, the point that must be raised is this: Has he clearly DECLARED to the world that you are his girlfriend? Shyness is not an excuse, if he hasnt declared to the world that you are his woman, then be suspicious. When a good man falls for a woman, he doesn't hide it. When a good man is proud of his girlfriend, he doesnt hide it. When a good man loves a woman, he doesnt hide it, he tells everyone. It is an 'announcement' to the world that he is "happy and no more single". It keeps the other women at bay.

    If the guy here is a good and nice dude and he hasn't come out in public to tell everyone, including his ex-flame that he loves you and that he is dating you, then sit him down and talk to him because he clearly hasn't moved on. Don't leave him, love him and help him move on (In my opinion, he needs you now more than ever). But he needs to make a public declaration. Trust me, when a Good/Nice guy makes a public declaration, he sticks to it. The same 'naivety' that stopped him from 'offending' his ex-flame will keep him in check after he has announced it in public. He has hurt your trust and feelings, so he needs to earn it back, in public. But don't leave him just yet, no one is above mistake. I'm sure if he goes through your phone as well, there'll be some msgs he may not feel so comfortable with, messages you may have to explain as 'harmless jokes'.

    I agree with most of the comments above, but YOU know your man better than all of us do. So you know if he truly loves you or not. I guess the question is this, is the relationship worth holding on to? Do you love him? Before you throw away the years of trust because of one mistake, remember that we are all human, no one is above mistakes. But trust has to be earned, he should go public with his love for you if he really means it. I'm just a guy, that's my opinion.

    1. And I love your opinion...

      BTW I'm the lady that sent the mail in the post to Myne..

      I've been reading all the comments on this post since Myne published it and I realised how much people make conclusions/give advice based on how they perceive a situation and the way people could just pick out certain parts of a topic and judge from there.

      He has declared to his close friends and his sister that I'm his girlfriend already, by the way.

      I couldn't agree more with you saying I know my man better than you all and that's part of the reason I was skeptic about Myne publishing my mail. I told her I changed my mind (for some other reason though), but she urged me to allow her publish the mail. But in the back of my mind I was preparing to see comments from different people who know nothing personally about me and him.

      I won't/didn't make my decision based on what people have said. They mean well, yes I know (although some come comments across as harsh), but no one knows the people involved in particular.

      I was going to comment earlier to thank everyone for their comments anyway and thank Myne for publishing, and then I came across your comment and just had to say you make so much sense and I'm glad to see things from a guy's perspective.

      I've made my decision, regardless and I'm happy..

      Thank y'all.

    2. so because the guy didn't know to cover his tracks, that exonerates him? A guy that sends the same messages to two women is no naive guy, he is slick and a green snake under green grass.
      To the writer, i know it seems like you know your man but if you really knew him, you wouldn't be sidetracked by what he did. When I saw I know someone, I know what he/she can do both good or bad.
      Being a nice guy doesn't mean you carry on a playful convo with an ex. Oh well, you have made your decision. I wish you well.

    3. It does not exonerate him neither does it make him a serial player. If he was so slick, why did he stop at just 2 women, why not 3 or 4? My point is that we have all made mistakes, or even lusted after someone. The guy apologized and it is up to the writer to decide if he deserves a second chance or not.

      I'm a bit surprised by the perceived moral standards we set, let the first person who hasn't flirted with someone else while in a relationship cast the first stone. You never know what you are capable of till you are faced with a situation, how then are you supposed to 'really know' everything about someone else? What the guy did was ABSOLUTELY WRONG, advising the writer to dump him will not solve the situation (I'm not saying you did). The aim here is to find a solution, not close the book after the first chapter.

      If they were married and this same situation played out, would you advise her to leave/divorce him? I'm not trying to play the devil's advocate here, but put yourself in her situation and ask yourself what your action would be if it was your boy/girlfriend, fiance or husband/wife. Would you forget all the good things and make your decision based on this.

      Yes, she should be more watchful of him, trust me, she will. Her trust has been broken, and he will have to work hard to earn it back, so she is already more observant. But to leave him without a second chance, no forgiveness? C'mon that's a bit extreme. I respect your views though, everyone has their breaking point.

    4. This is late but I don't like people like this. They know what they want to do and ask for advice for Lord knows what. She asked him if he was just in it for her body and you are here justifying his actions with his "niceness". It is desperation that keeps us accepting and passing through all sorts of foolishness. He is not sparing her feelings, he is dating both of you and you are an option. It is well sha. The Good Lord has given you a sign, be smart and go with it.

  13. Hi,

    I can see the writer of the post has made her decision already.
    I have been in this situation before and believe me, a guy who sends the same kinds of texts to 2 ladies at the same time is up to no good.

    He wants to keep both ladies. i know you love him and all, but don't forget that you have a long life ahead of you and you cant change people. If he is doing something like this behind your back now, who knows? What is hard about telling your 'friend' that you have a girlfriend and she needs to maintain the perimeter?

    Anyway, I wish you all the best

    1. GOD bless you Seyi. My point is, why would he send the same message to two ladies at the same time?! He's clearly a confused human being.

    2. GOD bless you Seyi. Why would he send the same message to two ladies at the same time?! Now that's something to really think about.

  14. OMG been in this situation last month by the way am in SA, a South African woman engaged to a9ija guy but in my case he admitted he was flirting nd he apologised n begged me to forgive him. he said i shld not leave him as am known to his people n it's an embrassment to his family if i leave. we made up that day but the thots stl lingered in my mind for sometime. i decided i will stay as i love this guy dearly, i found strength in prayer n asked God to change him and be a good man coz i can't. i want to make this relationship work, we agreed on terms of our relationship like not to have this kind of thing again, as an engaged couple to focus on each other and build our lives together and not break each other's hearts. i tell now as i took off my focus on the wrong he has done my love for him was renewed. As for your situation babygirl if u really really love you guy, sit dowm 2getha n he must be clear on his relationship wth this gal, if he also trully loves you he will work hard to prove his love fo u only. above all pray dear God will show you the way to take. i'm wishin u joy n hapiness again

  15. Myne, why didn't you post my comment on the signs that he is having sex with the other woman? A la.... "I got another shock where I saw she referred to them as being in a relationship and asked him if he was in it for her body".

    Na wa for you....

  16. Give him a second chance, who knows the next knucle head good for nothing u gonna end up getting abused by once u let him go. U will catch him at his deceipt if he's not remose at his too-lay back*don't wanna hurt* her attitude. Some men are like that. Hey! Let him a pass this time around.

  17. Hi im a 20yrs old living with a 33yrs old man we have being dateing for 2and a half yrs now and things was great at frist until, this yrs april when thing start going down hill, i use to listen to this guy for everything and do what ever he say, one nignt on valentine we went out to a resterant to have dinner, now at that time there was this watress who i didnt really like coming on to him, they hold hands infornt of me now when we suppose to go sit down she hold his waste, at this time i new something was going on with them i didnt have any prove but i was going to get it, i told hom that i think that this watress like him but he just smill and say stop trepping, not i leave it a lone cause of this special night i dodnt want to spoil it, after a week i start to remember what had happened when his mom came from the state to look for him, we went at the same resterant to eat donner and that same girl came out and huge hia mother, i never look at it in any way but every thing came to me,i start to cry ang knew that he just broke my trust, now two weeks after that i get the chance to look inbis phone, when i did i saw that same watreas num and pic in jis phone, i was shock but not has much cause i was looking to see her there, i was piss and shakeing like a leaf , i couldnt sleep i try to close my eye for a few munit i woke up about 5am on the morning shaking and cring like a baby i wen for a walk i wanted to run,hide,kill my self and just die, i didnt know what to do anymore, around 7 i came back home and start to look about break fast ,i was crying too much couldnt believe it that the man that i love really broke my heart like this, In april he told me that be have some family coming down well i found out the the person qho was coming down was hos baby mother and he told me that they wasnt in a relationship so i was even more shock i could believe it l,i then told my self that i will never trust him ever, im stilling living with him but still find it hard to let go of thile pass, seeing him every day still reminde me of what had happened,.........i dont know what to do any more please help sorry i didnt coment on your post i need help too


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