Friday, April 26, 2013

Dear Myne - I don't Know the Man I Married

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Dear Myne, This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I'm by nature a very private person especially when it comes to my relationship with my husband. But due to recent events and my ensuing confusion, I've decided to seek advice anonymously. I'm pouring it all out so please forgive the epistle.

I dated my husband for 5 years and got married less than 2 years ago. For about half the time we dated, we were in different states/countries, but the relationship endured. I have always had very intense feelings for my husband and I believed it was the same vice versa. He is very caring and concerned about my well-being. As far as I knew, we don't joke with our love for each other.

As at the time I started dating him, I knew he had a past with the ladies and had acquired a reputation as a womaniser but he somehow convinced me that the phase had passed. According to him, he had gotten the urges out of his system. I believed him. I was a virgin when we met and remained so till some months to our wedding.

I have always had a phobia for being in an unfaithful relationship due to past experiences with ex-boyfriends. Through our five year courtship, there were two incidents when I was sure he was cheating on me. On both occasions, he spun me such believable tales and I also somehow believed my paranoia was at work.


Within 3 or 4 months after we got married, I discovered I had contracted herpes. He has been my only lover. However, due to his wild past, I forgave him after a while as I couldn't be sure he recently contracted it. Herpes has no cure, one can only manage the episodes. Decided to keep it quiet, no one asides us and my doctor knew.

Some days to our 1st wedding anniversary, I discovered my hubby's chats on an online dating site. Whilst there were suggestive messages and flirting innuendoes with the ladies he chatted with, there was nothing to indicate he was actually having sexual affairs. There was plenty brouhaha and our 1st anniversary was terrible. Needless to say, our anniversary getaway did not hold and I was barely talking to him. He kept denying it wasn't him operating the account and pleaded with me. I decided to forgive and try to move on. After all, there was no conclusive proof.

At the moment, I'm heavily pregnant with our first child and just discovered some weeks back that my husband has been serially cheating on me with different 'runz girls' who he gives money. I had so much irrefutable evidence that he had no choice but to confess all. In less than 2 years of marriage, he has had not less than 20 different other sexual partners. He sometimes left my warm and willing body at home to go have sex with random girls. And apparently, everytime he travelled out of state/country, there were different sex partners/orgies at his destination. From my investigation, this lifestyle is a pastime shared by his circle of married friends.

I'm so heartbroken. Even though I have had fears about infidelity, I never thought it could be this bad. Our sex life has never been less vibrant. In fact of recent, I usually initiated sex and was still thinking of the most sensitive way to bring up the issue about the drop in his libido. So I'm baffled that he would resort to paying for sex.

I have cried everyday since my discovery, I don't sleep through the night and my work has suffered. Our home is so tense as I switch between depression and anger. I thank God the baby is fine and has held strong through the turmoil.

I confronted him and he's been begging for forgiveness and a final chance for him to change his ways. He has made a lot of promises including getting closer to God, getting sex addiction counselling, cutting off interaction with the decadent friends and focusing on making our marriage work. We have never been the best Christians, I struggle a lot in my relationship with God and he merely goes to church to keep me happy. I know divorce is frowned upon in the church, but I am so confused.

On one hand, I want to provide a stable home for my unborn child, but at what expense? Whilst the easiest thing would be to give him another chance and hope for the best, I can't bring myself to trust that he would make a lasting change. Apparently, he was actually cheating through all the previous episodes I found out. He has already passed on one STD, is it until he contracts AIDS and passes it on?

I am trying to think deeply and decide on the best way forward for me and our baby. I can't talk to my family or friends cause they will be outraged and I also feel a deep sense of shame that I am in this situation. I feel the signs were always there before I got in so deep but I ignored them. I have been trying to pray for God's direction but I need help. I don't know the person I married!!!






41 comments:

  1. Awwww sorry dear,this is a lot to forgive,but my advice will be for you guys to start on counceling with a trusted source and see where that leads.

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  2. But in the mean time,please take good care of yourself so this does not affect your baby,I understand your hurt but please take it easy Hun

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  3. Wow, this is truly hard! I can tell you are hurt and emotionally broken. I have an advice for you.
    Open your Bible and read, nourish your soul from the strength of God. Open your mind to new things and let old wounds heal, forgive him, that's the best thing to do.
    I know you feel hurt especially since he is your first and only man and I know he deeply loves you too. This womanizing panorama is not ordinary, he is plagued by the spirit of sex and even when he doesn't want to, the urge just gets to him. Your only way out is prayer. There is nothing stronger than a praying woman... you will overcome.
    http://lifeofaveryfunkynaijateenager.blogspot.com/

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    1. Spirit of Sex?!!! LOLOLOLOL.. I love how you spiritual women keep making excuses for us..he is what he is and believe me no spirit is involved..as for prayer..well ask Chris Okotie if it saved his marriage/s..Try to know who you marry..always choose your friend so if nothing works at least the mutual respect remains.
      P.S d dude no love am..You nor read sex orgies there?

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    2. Lmao! @ anon-april 27, 4:01 PM's reply, love it!...i started wit d comments and was shocked!...telling her to stay and give yet another chance so as to stay married for the child? Please what model is he to become to that child... Spirit of sex got me bawling with laughter!I believe in prayers alongside using the God given brain to think and reason. I do hope everything works out for her.

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  4. The voice of reasoning would implore you to stay and give him yet another chance (i think that is the option I'd take in your shoes - it is the easier of the 2 so at least you stay married and raise your child with your hubby, perhaps he would change!).
    The seemingly rash thing to do would be to up and leave - at least until the child is born in peace. But I don't envy your position especially as it would seem you do not deserve that kind of man.
    My middle position on the matter is that you have to do something drastic to jolt him into reality. What holds us back in situations like these, is fear of the unknown, the society's predictable frown against divorce, the unsympatheticness/false sympathy from friends&wellwishers, and if you'd be able to cope on your own. If you can try channel all your energy to seeing to your good health - for you and the baby, move from the house to somewhere less stressful and seriously consider the possibility of being by yourself for a while, WHILE leaving open the lines of communication with him i.e. nothing dramatic like changing all your lines or ignoring his existence. Like we all have heard previously, a leopard does n't change his skin. So my guess is that after hubby makes all these promises to change, he would (appear to) work on it...for a while but eventually only devise more detection-proof ways of cheating. He has to stop, not because you asked him to but for HIMSELF. And until he does that, my dear sadly it is going to be a vicious cycle of cheat-apologize-anger-forgive-cheat that you may eventually give in to ignoring.

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  5. Oh-my-God.
    That man does not deserve you. He has already given you herpes so that kindda means makes it difficult for you to get another partner.
    Sweetheart that man will not change. Unless by the special grace of God and if he makes a great concious effort. I have seen loads of men like him.
    His addiction to sex with strange women is like an addiction to cocaine. Even if a person gets clean and sober they still have to fight the life time urge to take it.
    First and foremost you have to start using condoms with him, whether he likes it or not. You are highly at risk of contracting AIDS.
    If you still want to stay with him you have to become closer to God and pray seriously for him. There is really no need to drag him to church. Let him go if he want to.
    Personally, me i would get a separation first. That should make him sit up if he really cares about the marriage. Cos this case is definitely divorce worthy. Am really sorry dear this is one of the terrible senarios of a cheating man. I pray God directs you.
    FYI Adultery is a valid reason for divorce.



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  6. In addition to what others have said, I will advice that you abstain from sex with him or at least, use protection. You mentioned he hasn't been really interested in intimacy with you, perhaps, he's shielding you from something?

    From what you have written, it sounds like he is really willing to change. As someone who has had a previous addiction (not sex), I know it can be very hard to break even if one is willing to. Usually, it takes a jolt (like in your case, the fact that he may lose his marriage may be that jolt). So if anything, if you really believe he wants to change, then please help him and support him. Ensure he gets counseling and prayers too. He also needs to do a medical checkup to know if he has contacted anything else.

    Lastly, be practical! For your self and the baby, keep yourself safe.

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  7. Please RUN! My aunt had a husband like that. She died of aids. PS my dear run for your life please! Don't stay,you have tried your best.

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  8. This is one of the many problems of having a long distance relationship. It's just freaking hard to know the details, and a lot of time, the information we need is all in the details. But there's no need crying after spilled milk.

    So, what we're dealing with here is a two year marriage that is now equal to pregnancy, a serial cheat, and herpes. I cannot advise you to stay. This whole getting closer to God thing, a lot of times we just think that once we attend church a few times, God will administer a magic pill to curb all temptations. It never works that way.

    This time, he brought herpes. It might be HIV next time. And who knows if he has any illegitimate children out there, known or unknown?

    My suggestion: SEPARATION. Maybe temporary. Maybe permanent (divorce). Don't feel inclined to make a decision right now. But for your peace of mind, I'd say separate with him first. I pray God gives you the spirit to discern what is right and wrong for you in all these comments. And I pray He gives you strength and wisdom, among many other things.

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  9. I agree with Kiki, but i want to add that you should get separated from him for a while, maybe till after the baby is born or even longer. Take that time to get closer to God, work on yourself and just heal. Don't be afraid he will quit the marriage before you are ready to go back. If he does, then its good radiance. If you die today he will marry tomorrow. Stay strong, God bless you

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  10. God have mercy! I read this with both a heavy heart and anger. I feel so sorry for this woman. What sort of life is that? and he had given her herpes before? Maybe just one more chance if she can. One more! And lots of prayers. God will see her through.

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  11. i symoathize with you sister and am happy you acknowledge that the signs were there.This will serve as a lesson to some of us sisters who want marriage at all cost and choose to ignore vital signs of trouble in future just to be addressed as MRS.Having said that,i concur with kiky,vera and some others,separation first.Then you take care of your health while mapping out your survival straregy.I know a lady whose husband knew he had herpes and still went ahead to infect her.Please do not wait until he gives you aids before you take a decision that will ensure you are alive to take care of that beautiful gift the lord has blessed you with.Am not saying you should divorce him or stay on but you first need time out to put things in better perspective.Will be praying along with you for strenght to pull through because i know you will.Be closer to God but i dont see this man changing unless he willingly decides to by submitting himself to God.It is well with you beloved sister.

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  12. I am a man
    At first when i startd reading this i got scared.
    I felt you were my wife coming here to put our business out.
    This reads exactly like my story.
    I'm not proud of it, neither can i tell you why i'm this way.
    One thing i can tell you though is your husband isn't going to stop or change.
    He's repentant because he got caught.
    I'm extrapolating using myself as a reference point.
    I can't tell you i support divorce because your child needs both parents, however growing in a dysfunctional family is as bad as being raised by a single parent.
    I have no doubt that he cares for your well being, but keep in mind its not because of who you are, that's his nature. He probably cares for the 20something other women's well being.
    Above all protect yourself and your child.

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    1. So what convinced you this isn't your wife if it reads exactly like your story?

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    2. Maybe in his case he doesn't have herpes and his wife hasn't caught him yet.

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    3. Being raised by a single parent is bad? As bad as being raised in a dysfunctional family? WOW! That's all.

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    4. I dont think he meant being a single parent is bad.
      Within the context of the story,i'd assume two seperate households.
      I agree with anon 9.19
      The operative word being YET

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    5. thanks for telling her the truth about how with most men it will likely continue. I agree with Vera, a trial separation at the very least and unconditionally use condoms if you continue to have sex with him!

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  13. I really don't know. That different states / countries thing sounds like a red flag to me.

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  14. You got a warning sign-- herpes. It has no cure. I wouldn't stick around for AIDS or worse, death. As you rightly said, you do not know the man you married. Get closer to God for real. let him guide you. You cannot change another human being so don't try to change him or hope he is going to. He has shown you his true colors. Believe him. Maybe this is God saying he has something bigger and better for you. He closes one door and opens another. Be well.

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  15. It's a tough situation to be in. I pray God helps you find healing and a solution soon.

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  16. This absolutely breaks my heart. Please move out of that house, and until you're sure this man is changed, I doubt he will, never go back.

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  17. Seperate from him first. The Herpes is a warning Sign. Don't let him give you Aids before you get Yourself.

    He's a Liar,he's a cheat,he's irresponsible(obviously doesn't use Condoms on his escapades) and he's only sorry when he's caught.

    Leave him first. For your peace of mind and wellbeing. And if you still have doubts? Then u can seek the option of divorce.

    Some things can be fixed. Some can't.

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  18. Wow!
    The usual silent treatment and then forgiving shouldn't cut it this time. Find someone he is accountable for and bring them into a sit down with your husband. Be it his parents, older sibling etc. It might not change things completely but it can curb it small. I have a friend whose husband's weakness was porn. After catching him a few times with prior promises to stop and he didn't, she made him call his mother and confessed his addiction (how it started, how long and how often). The shame was unbearable, even most for his mother and she didn't hide it. Since that last episode, needless to say, the urge for him still comes but the shame of being discovered is greater.
    You should separate from him to drive the point home until you can see the changes you desire.
    Herpes always comes before something more serious, with something more serious or after something more serious. Get tested with him and always use a condom henceforth. The truth is he has a bad bad sex problem. Only God can change him so pray like never before. A problem shared is half solved. Confide in someone you know and trust. May God give you wisdom and grace.

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  19. Opinionated GalApril 26, 2013 9:28 PM

    DIVORCE HIM !!!!! ..... Are you even thinking???? Do you want to catch AIDS before you know its time to leave his ass? I too have a phobia for guys who are womanizers and that is why i am picky. I will continue to be picky until i find the right person in his right mind.

    Do yourself a favour ad DIVORCE HIM!!! Do it quick before he ruins your life Take your child with you and give him/her a proper childhood filled with love and care. Don't listen to all that crap about keeping your home, being patient bla bla bla.... you health and your life is more important. So you caught herpes and I assume he is doing okay right still going around and F***king random babes?? Please RUN for your dear life. I BEG YOU... RUN.

    Opinionated Gal has spoken.

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  20. Hmn, its really sad and pathetic! My sister I will advice you get closer to him now than before,because he really needs your help both physically and spiritually. I tell you, your husband's problem is not just ordinary, there's a demon of sex afflicting him and untill he get delivered the urge for sex will keep increasing. He's being sober because he was caught not because he has repented. Go to bible believing church and pray for him to be deliver from the spirit of sexual addiction. Get necessary treatment for yourself and seek Godly counsell. It is well with you.

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    1. He should pray for himself. Or will she also pray him into heaven?

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  21. You know the man you married, you are just disappointed and surprised your marriage to him didn't change him. And if that didn't change him, I doubt leaving him would. You really only have two options stay or leave. Before I go any further I want you to understand that no matter the the decision you make, the road would not be easy. Also if you do leave him, know that you did it to find your peace of mind, and not that he would change. That said, this is the kind of situation you run first, heal and then decide what to do. You need to heal physically and psychologically. To heal physically you have to remove yourself from the problem, or remove the problem from you. Your husband's problem is a whole lot deeper than you know, it is not your battle to fight. He is sick, and he has to seek his own healing and you, yours. We don't know how deep seated this disease is, so it's hard to proffer a solution. When you heal and are strong enough, talk to him as a friend to gain more insight to his problem. Right now you have an open wound, and the sick cannot heal another sick. RUN
    Later if you and your husband are still willing to make the marriage work, help him identify the root of the problems, not just the symptoms and start the removal process all over. You never know, at that point he might really want to change, if he wants to, then there are things you can do to help him. Are the girls on BB bothering him too much or is he bothering them? Replace his BB with an iPhone, with a new number, keep his old sim, and that can help reduce his contact with them hence, cheating. However you cannot do all of this unless he is ready and willing to change. Without his willingness such exercise would be in futility, don't even bother,continue your destiny in life without him.

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    1. I tried so hard to formulate my thoughts but you captured them perfectly. Especially the first line you wrote. Learning so much from all the Dear Myne stories. O ga oh.

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    2. In fact, take candy for your comment. I approve of your advice completely.

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  22. Sorry, as I am reading the comments I surely agree, but the reality is (to an extent) that this desease called SEX ADDICTION????... its only because she mentioned Herpes and first child.... If men were to confess, it'd be no less than 50 in a year! Men live to cover their crap. The mad way of thinking needs healing at the root for both men and WOMEN. We did this to ourselves. We as women need to start by making a change to ourselves from unmarried to married. Get better morals, more confidence and instil stronger principles into our children. It begins with ourself... thats the truth. Somewhere at the foundation we went wrong. You are not the 1st. In fact one of SEVERAL. Just they are silent!!!

    To even know what to look for in a partner is wrong these days. Damn this whole thing is messed up.
    I would advise. If you would want to make a difference... STAY. STAY and take the careful advice that all those that said to stay... and face the man you chose and pray it out. You have fallen flat. Cry out to HIM!

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  23. Ha! This kind of stories break my heart, my heart bleeds for you …but how did you allow yourself to get into such a mess? I ask that question because I agree with anon above that you knew the kind of man you married you just believed somehow he would change because of your love..you yourself mentioned there were two incidences you were sure he was cheating.. so why didn’t you trust your instinct and slow down?.. but what is done is done so lets just tackle the problem at hand abi.. i need to note here that I am really saddened by your story but I have to tell you the truth as I see it and might come across as being hard or something …
    In my mind there are two issues here, Your husband is an adulterer which itself is a problem, he has broken his vows , and do I think he deserves to be forgiven? Probably, if he was actually sorry for the act , and will take steps to change and not just sorry for getting caught. I belong to the school of thought that believes Adultery should not be treated with a slap on the wrist, it is a very serious issue and even though we Nigerian Women say stuff like “ men will always cheat, just pray he respects you enough not to bring them home… blah blah ” , it is a serious issue , because it erodes the very foundation of marriage which is trust and fidelity, even the bible allows divorce based on that singular issue, but I digress, letting adultery go quietly without treating the issue like the big issue it is, will bring on more adultery and the circle of Adultery and Forgiveness will just continue until the marriage is damaged irreparably. But this is the least complex of your problems , I assure you.

    Secondly he has a sex addiction problem which has given you herpes ( for now) , please note you will not be the first (or last ) woman to die from an STD or AIDS but were virgins when they married o…you made a mistake by agreeing to treat the herpes quietly, in my mind what if it had been AIDS, will it have gone quietly? Won’t your family be involved now? , because it could easily have been AIDS, I mean even men who commit adultery are careful now since the advent of AIDS, as they don’t want to die, so why would he be so careless and irresponsible?, your guess is as good as mine, he is unable to control himself, think about how that portends to your safety in the marriage.

    You know we need Pastors/Counselors/Mentors who will keep telling us women this simple truth about marriage …it is not a magic wand, you get what you put in..i.e if you married a decent and kind man after marriage he will be a decent and kind husband, but if you married a cruel and beastly man, after marriage he will be a cruel and beastly husband. I wish I had a dollar for every lady who has thought her love could change her spouse, it can’t, only God can change a man and he can do it without your help , honestly.

    I have read all the comments and even though I am a Christian, my candid advise is for you to opt for a separation , you need to tell your family what is going on, sure they would be enraged, who wouldn't be, I don’t know you from Adam , and I am so upset just reading your story . Please get over the shame you feel and know that everybody makes mistakes but the fact that one has made a mistake does not mean one should die in the mistake now? I know the stigma that is associated with divorce and separation, I know, I am a product of divorced parents , is it not better to be alive and healthy so you can take care of your baby, than to be dead or very sick because you want to remain married…

    look honey, your husband is not gonna change if you forgive him or if you leave him,(so it makes no difference) if he indeed has a sex addiction, the operative word is ‘addiction’ , only GOD can change him, so my short answer is …please save yourself and your baby, take your stuff and run for dear life first any other thing can be sorted out later.. take good care of yourself dear.. okay?

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  24. My dear, the bible's ground on divorce as written in Matt 19:9 is adultery, pls for the sake of ur sef and even ur children it's better u sepearte frm him, he is pparently unrepentant, so save ur soul and ur kids. A word is enof for d wise o Prov 22:3 Shrewd one has seen calamity and conceals himself from it......

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  25. I feel so sad reading your story. I don't even know what to say! I will rmb you in my prayers and ask God to strengthen you, and give you wisdom throughout this period of trial. I am just speechless!!!

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  26. What a gutwrenching story. It makes me think much more seriously about an on-again, off-again long distance relationship I am in with a womanizer. I always thought that if he wanted me enough he would change and if he changed I would commit to him, but now I see how dangerous it is to think that a womanizer will change. My prayers are with you.

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  27. Your story is a sad one and I am really really worried about you. Your situation pre-marriage is similar to mine. I had my time with the ladies (all sorts) -lots and lots of them and I continued to see several ladies at the same time right up to the time I got married. Additionally, my relationship was long distance (we dated for about 4 years) and my wife would probably say she doesn't know the man she married if she's to learn of all my escapades, we were not so big on religion/spirituality although we did our best to go to church (she regularly, me not as regular). Also, my then fiancee was a virgin until our wedding night. So, you see I have a certain familiarity with your story. Luckily, I have not slept with any other woman, not even kissed or fondled, since my wedding day and I hope and pray I never will. It's been a battle but it's winnable. I feel tempted almost on a daily basis to go back to my old ways but I will not by God's grace. Now the reason why I decided to comment is cos I know exactly how it is for your husband. He's consumed by desires that he a times would feel helpless against. Only a jolt- like you moving out or separating from him will wake him up. If you don't do something drastic, he will easily slip back to his old life. I suspect you moved to a new country when you married him and it might be difficult to move out/separate but try all you can to move away from him for some time. Again, separating and later coming back together doesn't guarantee he'll change. But at least you'll know you tried. It's not a demon or evil spirit possession but it's similar. Men like us throw all reason, conscience and rational thought to the dogs when that urge wells up in our groins. See, he loves you. But his brand of love is not ideal. I believe he cares about you more than all those women outside but he needs to understand that he should be caring ONLY for you. That you two are exclusive. I hope you pray for him but don't just let him off with a slap on the wrist. Personally, I am lucky to have read your story; you don't have an idea how much of a help it would be to me. Try your best to get him closer to God. However, there's a limit to what you can do. Make sure he commits to a personal walk with God. You can't do that for him. I hope he changes and that you get back together. I really do. I will pray for you.

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    1. wow ... kudos to you jare. I love your comment.

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  29. Leave him. Ignore all the sentiment about child and bible and do the right thing. Leave the man's house I beg you. Do not wait until he murders you by AIDS. You do not want your child growing up with such a role model. And the man isn't ready to make the sacrifice or commitment it takes to have even a half decent marriage.

    Women tend to condone rubbish and give our forgiveness and love too easily. This is why the men don't value our love and don't trust it. Imagine if it had been the other way round. No discussion, MARRIAGE WOULD HAVE ENDED. That is how a man would react. When he does something as vile as this and you cry a little then forgive and revert to status quo, you are sending the message that you do not value yourself and he will do it again because he got away with it before.

    All this prayer and endurance advise is counterproductive. The more you forgive and condone, the worse the misdemeanours and the less he respects you. This will happen until he has no respect left for you because - what human being would let another person do these sorts of things to her. At worst he will then dump you, at best you are in for a long and miserably dysfunctional marriage. Prayer or no prayer.

    Leave the prayer band abeg. Infidelity, abuse and dysfunction are rife in born again marriages and they haven't prayed them aright. Focus and take practical steps to protect you and baby, and heal. Good luck!

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