Wednesday, April 10, 2013

Dear Myne - Do You Think I'm Second Best?

Posted in: ,

Dear Myne. My name is Tosin*not real name*, I am dating this guy presently and we have been going out for the past 7months.

I use the term going out loosely because he never asked me out, we kind of just evolved, on my part I was dying for a definition of the relationship but did not have the guts to ask cos I did not want to be seen as all these desparate girls that keep hounding a man about what the re doing or where the rship is headed....this aspect was resolved about 3weeks ago when we were having an argument and he told me "we are dating, we are still trying to know ourselves well" I guess we re dating!

But somethings bother me....I feel he holds back on his feelings and I'm the one left prodding him and sayin things like "do you like me at all"? Am I forcing you to be in this? And so on. He also never talks about his exes or assures me I'm his one and only(even though if I come right out and ask he says I am)

He maybe does not know how to take care of a woman or maybe inconsiderate...he got me a scarf for christmas and another for valentine, even though I got him really nice things for these occassions....don't get me wrong please, I don't mean he should spend his whole earnings on me, but he could also improve or put more thought into getting me something better.

We've never been out on a proper date or the cinema or just out together...this part I can understand a little bit cos his job schedule is erratic. I was willing to put up with these traits and concerns and work on them but something hapened last week and shook my faith in the validity of the rship.

Someday last week we were pingin and talking all day, and I was due to travel the next day, so I was asking that we see (I'm usually the person doin that) he said he will come see me at the airport the next day, I agreed and left it at that.

Now me and this guy stay really far apart from each other, so you can imagine my suprise when I was driving home from work and saw him driving towards my house with a girl in the car spoonfeeding him!

 I started calling him and he did not pick up, I started following his a time I gave him a little nudge with my car and the girl sort of got angry and all that....anyways he called me and said I should go home that he's goin to come see me later, that the girl is an ex, that he just wanted to drop off, that the idea was to give me a suprise visit...I didn't believe that one bit though. after much trailing and driving about with him cos he refused to go drop off the girl and come home with me to talk...I drove home in anger and throughout that night he did not come to see me and refused to pick my calls too.

 He gave the excuse that he was mad cos I embarrassed and disrespected him and claimed he went home after dropping off the girl(which I really don't believe). Anyways he came the next morning and was blaming me....told me the girl is just an ex he wanted to discharge and all that...he said a halfhearted "I'm sorry" to me though.

But I was still the person that gave most of the apologies that day.(For embarrassing and disrepectin him apparently)....he made me do things I never thought I could do! (Trailing his car in the streets)SMH

Now my question it wise to stay on in this relationship? I find myself doubting every single thing he says these days! Should I have a thorough heart to heart talk with him or should I end things?
I really do love him but on the other hand I don't want to be anybody's fool.

I'm not afraid to start again and I know I'm definitely too beautiful and blessed to be anyone's second best. The only little problem here is that I love him very much. Please advice.


  1. I think u should do what your heart tells you.Hence,u have tried talking to him,all to no avail.JUst call it quits with dis guy.If he values u,he wouldnt hold himself back and will conciously or unconsciously make future plans with you.

  2. What relationship? In all honesty, I don't see any relationship here. Maybe you could ask him where you both stand, that should give you a clue.

    Wish you well

  3. There is no relationship at all.U can and shdnt be in love in just 7mnths?i belv love is more than just datn and tryn to sort urself out.Dnt deceive ursef,he is just playn wt ur feelns.Dump him fast before he does dat.

  4.'re frankly not in a relationship. i don't understand why girls are not insistent about defining their relationship. he never asked you to be his girlfriend so frankly you have been wasting your time for 7 months. he was disrespectful to you, very and he should have been the one apologising not the other way round. seriously, what love?

  5. My darling, you are the ONLY one in this "relationship". You are being objective while also making excuses for his behaviour BUT for you to have written in, you know that THIS is not how a blissful, 2-WAY relationship should be. Give yourself brain and end it, you are the side chick. Period.

    This is why I hate undefined, ambiguous relationships. *mutters to self*

  6. I think you should move on with your life cos the handwriting is very clear on the wall. Sometimes us ladies tend to force issues even when we clearly know it is not heading anywhere. Forgive yourself and move on.

  7. What relationship? LOL. Girl! Don't be tripping. YOu know you aren't in a relationship. How do you get into a relationship when the guy didn't ask you specifically to date him? And on top of that you apologized? For what? You sef were shaking your head at your gullibility. Which JAMB question are you now asking us again?

    I understand you love him. But ask yourself these questions: Why do you love him? What do you love about him? His character? (he doesn't have any by the way. LOL), his fineness? Why do you love him? You are already acting out of character so what is it about him you love? (Love shouldn't do that BTW)I suspect you already know the answers, so my advice, girl, get stepping!

  8. Please sit and talk with him. Explain your point of view and your fears. If truly you are in a relationship, this shouldn't be hard to do. However, don't judge him in anyway, just listen to his point of view and make up your mind as to what you want to do.

    Its best if things get defined so you know when you are getting off the mark.

  9. Easy on the lady pls! I think this is her first time. She is learning. I admire her patience though.

  10. Am a typical Christian and if you are,then put the word of God into practice,for he say's "husbands love your wives,just as Jesus loves the church,wives be submissive to your husband"why are you the one doing the loving?you wanna swap the word of God or what?we woman are so into doing the loving now when it come to relationships,we are dam too forward,its not wrong you love him,but that should come after he has put in and shown you much love.Hold it there babe,you are too forward i must say,wait for the right man,who will sow love into your life,and when you find him, you will are definitely looking at the wrong direction,cheers!

  11. Shuo, is this a question? If this wasn't someone's real life, I'd say it is a totally entertaining! Unless you have discovered a new knack for drama (since you say your car-chasing episode was a very new thing to you), girl, find your levels sharply!

  12. i don't know why we as women have been conditioned to think we are desparate when we need certain specific questions answered and assurances given. Please i don't think a 'we are dating' in mid argument defines the relationship. Tosin should ask for the definition and stop tailing his car. For whether u r number 1 or 2, only the guy can say.

  13. i think you arent in a relationship dear, what you guys have isn't defined, if you have to drag it out of him then it makes no sense to think he is serious about you, at least you are lucky u saw him with his ex now, what if u ended up doing 'this thing' for another 2 years and he wakes up one day and says u guys arent dating and thta he wants to marry his ex? It could happen cuz the relationship wasn't defined from the start, if you want to keep at 'this thing' with him, go to him with a straight head, dont use ur heart in this matter, don't be afraid to demand what you want from him, if he says no then at least you know the truth and you know where you stand dont apologize for what you want either, you will regret it later. i'd advise that you free him, but love is in the mix and you want him so you would make excuses for the way you were treated, just remember you are worth way more than an undefined relationship, you know the facts, do you want to risk being the babe he fools around with?

  14. na wa oh .. naija women are suffering and smiling thazall

  15. Girl if you're asking this question, then you already know the answer. The minute you saw him in the car with another woman spoonfeeding him, you should have cut your losses.

  16. Asking a man where your relationship stands is not desperate, pls read
    As for this guy, it sounds like you might be the chick on the side, if a man is into you, the relationship should not be causing you so much stress.

    All the best.

    (Couldn't sign on with google Myne :-))

  17. Awwww I can Totally relate babe in my case I kept giving excuses until he said "You are forcing me" That word hasn't left my head in 2 years since it was said..So biko move now that you can as in run! Its not gonna be easy but its better to be single than to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't want you that's the greatest disservice you can do to yourself in life ...When youre single Enjoy it cos its a time that will pass and you will miss your freedom even when you are married so enjoy ur singleness, find "Yourself" and soon a man who Adores you will come calling.. All the best..

  18. I think you should move on. It's obvious you are not the one he wants to be with.
    He won't give a scarf twice to the one he truly loves.

  19. Yes you should definitely forget about him and move on. You have done all the running here. Guys do not like that. That may sound harsh but that's how it is. If you run after him he will accept you until he can get something else and that's it. Value youself more highly and wait for a guy who appreciates you, it is better that way ;)

  20. Scarf?
    For real lmao
    How much does it cost?

  21. sweet heart, you said you are not afraid to move on. PLEASE DUMP HIS SCARF AND INCONSIDERATE SELF! even a toaster won't get you a scarf! even someone that just wants to hit it will take you out and will not get you a scarf!! lol
    from your story, this mister sounds shady, pls move on and be a happier person and someone that sees you as a queen will come along and not allow "ex gf's" to spoon feed them let alone be in their car so disrespectful .. cheers

  22. My friend, you are not in a relationship. You are not in love. What you feel is strong emotion triggered by lust and wishful thinking - infatuation. It is not love and cannot be love till it is earned, tested over time and survives. Besides, how on earth do you fall in love with someone who hasn't demonstrated that he values and respects you? Men do not understand, respect or trust this mushy 'love' that girls are so quick to give - love that does not require commitment, respect or proof.

    Besides, the man should be the one pursuing you prior to marriage. You should be the one demanding that he prove himself, not the other way round. This changes after marriage when it now becomes the woman's lot to maintain the 'connection'.

    Please. Stop this rubbish, go back and re-calibrate yourself. Love and value yourself first then you will know how to insist on people valuing you instead of throwing away your essence like so much cheap wine. I may sound harsh but I am sick of young women just throwing themselves, their future and any chance of a meaningful long term union for this tripe that they call relationships these days.


Click Post a Comment to share your thoughts, I'll love to hear from you. Thanks!

*Comments on old posts are moderated and may take sometime to be shown. That's just because I want to see them and respond to you if necessary.