Sunday, March 17, 2013

My husband doesn’t want me to sleep in his room

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I read this post and my mouth dropped open in shock. A lot of the comments were trending towards cultists, rituals, prayers, but my mind said no! This could just be an upbringing and personality thing. Maybe the guy just feels that being too close to his wife may bring disrespect to him from her. I also know that some traditional men who are close to their culture feel this way.

What actually baffled me more was how the lady never saw it while they were dating, is that possible? Does it mean the topic of how men treat their wives never came up? There's probably no easy marriage, but in my opinion, it's easier when the husband and wife can agree with each other's beliefs and personalities, no matter how wacky they may sound to outsiders. When there's a gap or they don't agree, things may quickly become sour like in the story below;

When my husband and I were dating we used to share his room and bed so I assumed after marriage we would share a room. But to my amazement, after a week, he told me to move my things into the next room. Even though the rooms have doors that link them together through the bathroom and toilet, I didn’t like the idea of sleeping on a separate bed from my husband at night.

The more I tried to argue the point, the more determined he appeared to be. Since it was too early for us to be fighting over such a matter, I didn’t push it beyond registering my displeasures. Besides, I reasoned there is no way he would protest my sleeping in his room.

But I reasoned wrongly as that night, he told me after making love to relocate to my room that he wanted his peace and space. He didn’t stop there; he told me it was a taboo for him to share his bed with a menstruating woman or a nursing mother. He also said by his upbringing, a serious minded man doesn’t allow a woman near him all the time. Finally, he told me that he would be the one coming to my room whenever he has the urge to make love.

When I asked what would happen if I feel like making love, he didn’t give a reply.

That last line is instructive. When your partner cannot give you answers to questions that are very important to you, communication has obviously become a problem. The writer in the original post then goes on to add that they are also disagreeing on how they manage their money, along the lines of to have a joint account or not to?

We've already discussed 15 Topics for couples thinking of marriage on this blog, and hopefully most people who get married through the church usually have their pre-marital counselling where some hidden attitudes and perspectives show up. But if one finds themselves in such a situation, beyond just praying and fasting, what would you do?






35 comments:

  1. Wow. I'm guessing they didn't communicate much while they were dating, or perhaps they didn't even date long enough (I know a couple who got married 3 months after they met, and now the wife is complaining that he is cheating on her after 6 months of marriage...hmmm). This is something that should have come up long before they got to the alter.

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  2. very shocking and ancient way of thinking

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  3. The man probably got some archaic marital advice from some ancient family member. And foolishly agreed with the said advice.
    Really, patience and prayers are the way to go. That's because she doesn't really know what caused the change. It could be occultic as that happens more than we know. It could also be bad marital counseling. After all, there are families where it is after the wedding that elders will sit them down and give them taboos from hell. In the modern year of 2011, after my friend married, her MIL told her that she had to follow them to kwara to swear fidelity in front of an Alfa. And there she was thinking she had married into a tush family.
    The lady needs to investigate what caused it and work with the information she gets.

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  4. The married life sounds miserable already for this woman. This entire setup is straight out of the 1700s.

    Seems like this guy has very little regard for women and do no see them as anything more than a piece of flesh for his pleasure and the conduit to bring his children into the world. I would honestly divorce this man, no matter how short the marriage is. When a man does not respect you as an equal partner there is no way you will have a happy existence with them. But that is what I would do. Divorce may not be a practical option for this woman, so she will either have to live with it, or use the opportunity of being apart to her advantage, they do say every cloud has a silver lining. She must protect herself financially and make sure to have a very strong rainy day fund for herself, because this man sounds like the type who would bring in a second wife, or put you out on the street with only the clothes on your back when he get tired of you. Sister better not play the fool and wait for some other surprise to hit her unprepared.

    Very often people do show who they are during the courting phase, but many times we women are so caught up in the thrill of the feelings that we ignore vital clues into the consciousness of the man we are dating. A woman must be extremely alert and observant during the dating/courting stage. The little things that bother you about your boyfriend/fiancee when you are dating will not be so little when you have to face them day in day out.

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  5. She should build a financial fence around herself while waiting for his next move.

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  6. This is a serious issue, and that's why I am an advocate for constant communication in relationships. Plus i believe you should not rush into a marriage. That said, I am aware that even if you court a person for 100 years, and you are talking 24/7, there are aspects of that person's behavior that will remain a mystery until you actually get married and start living together under the same roof. Even though it sounds a bit like a traditional way of thinking, that would/ should have come up during courtship, except the woman had blinders on.

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  7. Goodness! Where does she start from? The best option would be to end the marriage, but it usually easier said! This man knowingly deceived her! It sold be a crime punishable by law!

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  8. Can she have the marriage annulled??

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  9. Left to me, this is grounds for annulment because this is not the man she thought she was marrying. 3 months and you are already this miserable? Isn't this supposed to be the honey moon lovey dovey stage? God abeg o. Save us from wolves in sheep's clothing and help us to shine our eyes well.

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  10. I'm not surprised at what is happening to this lady because I ve always asked what people actually do during courtship. Like I mentioned in a post, many people think courtship is a time for just fun, when it should be a time for 'knowing' your spouse and coming to terms with if you can live with what you are seeing or not.

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    1. One problem in courtship these days is that those involved spend more time "knowing" themselves than knowing themselves.
      People need to start listening to,and obeying God. It's the only way.

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  11. I agree with Sting! Def ground for annulment! This is not a marriage more like a roommate/sleeping-partner situation! God forbid!

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  12. #1. This is something they should have talked about before getting married. I don't know how long they dated for, but little things like this, comments here and there, are good cues to getting know what each other expects in a marriage.

    #2. I'm weird like that, but I personally wouldn't mind having my own boudoir. Sometimes I really just want my own space and I want to sleep in peace. That being said, it's something my future husband and I would discuss and come to an agreement on.

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  13. Highly rubbish what does he mean he want his peace and space after satisfying himself,i feel there relationship was not defined at the begining maybe he was tricked into the marriage by her so he is paying her back.cause no normal man will set out those rules for his wife.when i just had a baby my husby insist we all share d same bed no baby cot or baby bed dat is what i call FAMILY BOND

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  14. He is a guy evil chuvernist(excuse d spelling)cultist! She should run! Run fast! He just married her to cover his true identity.

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  15. Relax people. She needs to put in some effort at changing things before she files for divorce. Haba, divorce is so quick on people's mouth these days. Can't a man or a woman make a mistake and be given the chance to remedy things. She needs to find out the reason first. He wasn't doing so during courtship so what caused it? Has someone or a group put some sort of fear in him? Haba, let's work on something for a little while before divorce, divorce, divorce.

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    1. You cannot change anybody, the only person you can change is yourself. He told her to get out of his bed after a week of marriage and find her own quarters. This is the height of the honeymoon phase for newlyweds, when couples cannot get enough of each other and they are basking in the glow of married life. He is already tired of her presence and the marriage hasn't even started yet. He flatly told her that a menstruating and nursing woman is a taboo, and "a serious minded man doesn’t allow a woman near him all the time;" simply meaning, only a weak man would keep a woman in his presence regularly, according to his cultural beliefs.

      He'll be the one going to her room when he has need for her body, it doesn't even seem like he wants her to visit his room to hang out and chat, play a board game, or just watch tv. His room is off limits and she should make herself available for sex when he desires it. She is married to a sociopath.

      What do you propose she put an effort into changing now?

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    2. A sociopath? I guess all your forefathers were sociopaths then! A different viewpoint from mine doesn't make the other person evil to me. We have different mentalities, it is my choice not to associate with what doesn't rub me well.
      He wasn't like that prior to marriage. So something changed him except he was pretending. Look lots of older marriages are like that, it is what it is and some women accept it like that. I wouldnf and this woman neither. But we can't run immediately something unpleasant happens. It seems like a recent occurrence so before divorce, she needs to find out what caused the change. Divorce divorce divorce. You people think it is also easy? Many a man demonstrated such foolishness and changed because the woman was calm and strategic. I don't have any practical suggestions because I don't know what caused it. If they have a religious leader, she might want to have him/her counsel him. After doing all these, then she can leave. But divorce as instanta solution, no!!!!!!!

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    3. LOl. Keep hope alive, someone has to.

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  16. There is nothing wrong in what the husband is asking for. My late dad used to live like this. He used to stay alone upstairs in our one storey house while my mum and all of us lives downstairs. My dad was a very disciplined man and he provided for all members of his family till he died. My mum was only his wife. There is nothing wrong here as long as the man is faithful and he provides for his family.

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  17. People especially the ladies should open their spirit, eyes and head when dating or courting. The euphoria of being in love can blind one to the salient characteristics that can become problems later.
    As much as I will be criticised for this point, I will still stand by it...Sex should be saved for marriage. Men will put up with anything just to get sex and show their colours later.
    So..that will be all...thanks.
    Tosin.

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  18. Marriage/human is such a mystery that no human mind can understand 100% n no matter how long a courtship is U can't know a person 50%.I got married recently n had discover alot of difference with my wife which I'm not aware of.like when sleeping she like keeping the light on which I detest

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  19. Love him,love urself also,pray for him,ur marriage and for urself,the strength,wisdom,knowledge to go thru dis. If ur foundation has been compromise by premarital sex, then begin to ask God for forgivenz and restoration. Finally plz plz build up ur finances and also know dat u can b in dat situation and b happy, ur happinz depends on u. Peace

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  20. i doubt if he was tricked. i went out with someone last year and thankfully hes demands were too much and i couldnt cope so i called off the relationship. but this is it, he asked how i would feel if he had his room, and i had mine. and i go, no, ive always wanted to share a room with my husband, i can always have a room where my things will be but he said no, that he wanted his room, for himself and his books. anyway, we never really concluded that matter before we broke up. So i dont think he was tricked. some men are very traditional and want to be treated like gods. its rather too late cos now she is married. may God give you wisdom.

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  21. Nigerian man married to a caucasian commenting here. While this is strange. This man has his experiences, perhaps he deserves his privacy afterall, women dominates everything else in the house in a subtle manner and they still complain of wanting more. I think the ideal situation for him is to have his own private room where he can feel less crowded at times, still odd though

    Psychologically, this man crave and needs his space, just like women demand their space too 29/30 days a week. Just a pragmatic opinion and if she cant handle it, file a divorce. Live is too short

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  22. Pls simply leave n meet ur own partner or else u will keep suffering, simple!

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  23. Maybe this man doesnt meet this ladies with her dignity or pride:::::

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  24. I dnt c anytin bad in wat de man wants de wife 2 do. Let her go 2 her room n wen de man needs her he wil com meet her in her room, as long as de man provides 4 his family. Wat de man said abt menstruation is tru n also if she gives birth, she is supose 2 b in her room. Let her obey de husbnd n God will help her 2 enjoy her marriage.

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  25. YOU DON'T SEE ANYTHING BAD IN IT? WHO SNEAKED A COMPUTER INTO YOUR CAVE, BUSHMAN?

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  26. I read all the comments and most sound more western than African. The moment couples start forgetting their roots they start sowing seeds of discord. To each his own. If I knew what I know now, I will do everything African except western education.
    Sleeping is the argument now, eh kwa? Hope, the woman don't nag the man until he leaves his room to "sleep" outside.

    They are lucky they have more than one room.

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  27. I hope all these people here giving her "DIVORCE" as the best option are not christians?if they are,i suppose they don't know the BOOK they carry and the teachings of our Master therein. Otherwise,i wonder the kind of christians they are. My dear,you'v married him is you've married him,he's now a cross to carry. Be wise to choose good counsel and advice from people. If you'r not a devoted christian,become one so you can pray him out, if it has to do with spiritual things and wicked powers,become dedicated to God and His words so that He can mould your life and change your character and also give you wisdom on how to handle him and still smile all day. Know this,you'l one day get tired of sex(even if you'r a slave to it),if that's your major concern,so i'd rather you think the way forward(future) now and still be a good and faithful wife.some are happily married,some look happily married but inwardly(if they open up to you)they're not,many's are obvious they're not. Like some advised,get yourself financially balanced. Be hardworkin so you won't be too dependent on him,'twill save you a lot... God will help you! Rem,it's for better for worse... Marriage!hmmmm,one needs to shine his/her eyes! 'Ikpe chukwu g'ekpe!'

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  28. What? Don't even dare think of having a baby by him. This dude is a whack, full of ulterior motives, no telling what else he will be coming up with weekly. Divorce him in a heart beat or else u will remain in an unpleasant marriage and get stock-up with a weird dude for the rest of ur life. How the fuck u failed to find out more about his fake ass? He probably into jazz of all sort. Get the stepping out of his house.

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  29. Interesting comments from various viewpoints. This is reminiscent of various issues I have faced in my marriage. After 12 years I have come to realize that it is what my husband wants that happens. Full stop.

    Those who say she should not end the marriage - what is she staying for if in barely 3 months he is pulling this stunt? It usually only gets worse as time goes on. She should leave now before kids come in to complicate issues and more souls are hurt.

    Why does marriage seem like such a raw deal for the woman? Particularly from the biblical and African perspectives? It seems like a lifetime of slavery, always working to meet your husband's needs, minding his feelings, obeying him, keeping house, taking care of children, earning money, staying slim, condoning everything including adultery, loving his family, serving everyone. When do you get to be you? Can a woman dare to aspire to any personal satisfaction or happiness?

    Increasingly, I am starting to wish I knew about this 'bear everything' and 'sacrifice your happiness' requirement beforehand. I would most certainly not have married! Sometimes, I wonder what I will say to my daughter about marriage. From where I currently sit, not a single advantage or benefit for the woman. Not one. In fact I never noticed I was a woman and in a position of 'weakness' till I married and had children.

    Being Christian makes it worse! It seems the husband can do what he likes and even God does not call him to account. Sometimes I want to pack it in and become a mistress, living on my own terms and being treated like a person. But, I would not put another woman through what I have experienced + If not for the children... Well, they'll be teenagers soon and hopefully I can leave then. Please she should get out early while she can.

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