Wednesday, March 6, 2013

Dear Myne - My Fiance Won't Abstain With Me For Lent

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Please, I need you to help me ask your readers a question. I'm faced with a dilemma right now. As you know we are in the season of lent which is basically for fasting and praying and seeking the face of God. I have decided to be dedicated to my fasting this period and commit certain issues I am facing into Gods hands.

I discussed this issue with my husband-to-be and we decided that we should not have sex for the period of lent. Even though his church does not recognise lent, he recognises that it is a good exercise and has encouraged me thus far. Issue is, he seems to be getting weak. He is asking for it and I have somehow managed to prevent it till now.

Pressure is mounting from him and he is saying I am depriving him.

Now he claims he did not give consent to staying away from sex. Only for him to mention a couple of days ago that he caught himself looking at a girl lustfully, which I haven't ever seen in him before.

What do I do? I really do not want to give in to his demands. Is there any way I can help him hold on for the period? What will you do in such a situation?


  1. LOL..abegi...there is no dilemma anywhere..babe you sef see now...u have sex on the regular now bcos of lent u want to stop.and you claim to be praying to God.u knw pre-marital sex all together (before lent, after lent) is a sin! sayin u are stoppin ONLY durin lent is silly. u started it...finish it.i am not judging here,if couples want to hav sex b4 marriage even tho bible says no..then fine. whatever floats ur boat but you can't blame the guy.
    If its that u guys have agreed not to have sex before marriage but he is now disturbing u all of a sudden it will be a different case.u sef think about it now. holding off for lent only? LOOL this is funny..Give him what you have been giving him before :)

    I am a girl and i am all for righteousness #teamjesus #teamnosexb4marriage....but religion aside this is just common sense.

    1. Gbam! U can't eat urban cake n av it

    2. Double Gbam!!!

      Nothing more to add.

    3. Ewuo! See SENSE! I agree with this comment!

    4. Sensible comment jare

    5. Ver well written! Make your stand as a Christian, not picking and choosing when it suits.

    6. No need to comment after this. Correct girl you have said it all

    7. This comment make sense jor!!!

  2. For him to intend to marry you, he must love you. He's just saying that to put pressure on you or make you feel bad. Whatever YOU want to do, do it. It's not forever afterall, Lent is just a few weeks. So is he trying to say that when you have a baby for him, he won't be able to wait for you to recover before you start again? Anyway, just explain things to him again and try to make him understand how much this means to you. It's just for Lent, right? Not forever! I'm sure he knows he doesn't want to mess up the relationship he has with you now just because of this. Again, COMMUNICATION is key here. Like I said, just talk to him and explain why this is important to you.

  3. Lent is a month and a half. We're not even 3 weeks in yet and already its an issue. He really can't control himself for a month and a half? Seriously??? Not to mention he already agreed to giving up sex now he wants to renege. SMH. I don't even have any advice, all i can do is shake my head.

  4. Please this is a sin. Stop defiling your bed my sister. Marriage is honourable with an undefiled bed. With all these sexual immorality, are you not defiling your bed ? Please did you confirm from God yourself that this young man is your husband ? Please please and please STAY OFF defiling your bed to have an honourable marriage.

  5. Just wow! This just does not make sense! Really? God has seen something o...

    1. I'm telling you, God has indeed seen something

  6. What is this cry about? If you are strong enough to recognize the fasting period as a christian, then you should have known that in true practise of the faith, No Sex before marriage. You have started on a wrong foot with him so you can't be the holy one here.

  7. No need to condemn you. But come to think of it, if he loves you well enough as he claims, he will wait till lent is over. Isn't he catholic? Doesn't he abstain from something he craves for, as well? It is norm that when one decides to abstain from something, that's when the devil puts that thing in their path. Temptations will definitely come. My advice to you is, abstain from sex during lent and take it a mile further after lent, maybe that would place pressure on him and he will marry you soon.
    The period of Lent is the time to reflect on our lives and make proper correction where we have gone wrong. Understand this and live your life as a better christian.

  8. Err, while I am with those of us who think it's picking your piety to have premarital sex but not lent sex, I must say that this should not be brushed away so quickly. This episode is an important indication of character. It tells you something about this guy you plan to commit to eventually for the rest of your life: He's lacking in self control. How are you going to be able to trust him if, say, you have to go for a month's course abroad at some time in your married future?

    Secondly, if he agreed to do something together with you and then reneges and on top of that has the guts to tell you he never agreed, oh gal, this is another symptom that there is a potential problem.

    The error most of us make is to mistake courtship for a sealed deal..courtship is the time to determine if the coast is clear before you jump in for good. Use this time wisely. Fiance is not the same thing as husband, and there is still time o.

  9. i quite agree wit fifi.

  10. Me too , i agree. The guy is exhibiting cheating tendecies. He might even hit a woman and get a baby out of the score thereby having a baby mama. This lady should think now and make a wise move.

  11. " My advice to
    you is, abstain from sex during lent and take it a mile further
    after lent, maybe that would place pressure on him and he
    will marry you soon."

    Whatever you decide to do, that advice from someone above should NOT be considered at all!

    I sorta feel for you. Are you sure he gave his consent before you started? Or said yes just to please you? This might be a typical case of a 'willing spirit vs weak flesh'.

    Encourage him to seek God more this period also. Give yourselves areas of the Bible to read and discuss. Attend more Christian programmes together. Buy him Christian books on marriage and other topics. And he could also fast. You shouldn't grow spiritually by observing Lent, and leave him behind in the same state. He should be your spiritual head when you get married. So, take his mind off physical things as much as possible this period. And as you clearly are uncomfortable with the pre-marital sex, pray, and pray some more that God gives you both the strength and grace to wait until you get married.
    Wish you the best.


  12. Below is what the bible has to say about abstinence between a husband and a wife:

    1Cor 7:3-4 (NRS) The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does; likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does.
    1Cor 7:5 (NKJ) Do not deprive one another except with consent for a time...

    There is a reason that this issue is raised and addressed in the bible. It is recognised as a potential area of issue and clear instructions have been laid out to prevent things like a wondering eye or adultery.

    The problem you face is that you are not yet in a marriage and so you can not hold him accountable for instructions which are not meant for him as a fiance.

    A big issue however is that he is not able to stand by his word pre marriage and this may be something you need to think about.

    Please don't forget that post marriage he may never consent to abstain and he wouldn't be in the wrong if he did so, again you may want to consider this before you enter into marriage.

    Wishing you the very best!


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