Thursday, March 28, 2013

Dear Myne - Did I Frustrate and Drive Him Away?

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I am in my late twenties and working and living in the US. Last year, a friend asked if she could give my number to a guy she knew living and working in the UK, he was actively looking for a wife to settle down with. We were to chat, get to know ourselves and see if we wanted to take it to the dating/courting level, and I agreed.

Though she briefed me about him, I found myself sleuthing and snooping around on the Internet to know more about him. I didn't hear from him for about two weeks after he had been given my number.  I decided to add him on Facebook - by this time I said if he didn't respond I'd write him off as not interested.

He did add me, introduced himself and apologized for delaying to connect out of work since our mutual friend had strongly recommended me. I accepted his apology and soon after, our mutual friend contacted me, saying he told her he was quite keen after seeing my profile and he was going ahead to court me (bla bla bla), and she asked me to please be kind to him as he was a very nice person.

However, he didn't contact me until 2 weeks after, we exchanged phone numbers and chatted for 30mins and found out we had other friends in common from high school. He suggested we catch up weekends due to time difference and the impact late calls might have on work, and I also suggested we catch up via Skype to cut costs.

I didn't hear from him for another 2 weeks. He never would say when he would call, I would just see a message much much later that he had tried to reach me. I would then apologise for my late reply...but I soon got tired of apologising and got annoyed that he chose to contact me on Skype when he knows fully well that I wasn't always online and we never agreed on a time to catch up.

I didn't say anything to him about this, but I felt he was rather nonchalant and had probably accepted contact with me to get our mutual friend off his back.

He would ring twice again after 2 weeks interlude; the first I deliberately ignored; I missed the second and his voicemail msg though politely said he would try again, I could tell he was getting frustrated. So I rang back the following weekend.

He took forever to pick my call and when he did, didn't seem to have my number registered. I was hurt but tried to act cool and we chatted for about 25mins. It was then he asked if we could meet up as he was flying to the US and was passing through my city. It was a short layover so I declined citing the inconvenience as an excuse and I offered to meet up when he was returning to which he said that was not his return route but he would think up something and let me know later as we really had to meet.

I didn't hear from him all the while he was in the US, over a month. By the new year, I had resolved to leave him in 2012 and get on with my life. Any ways he rings 2 weeks after, to say he just got back to the UK. He wanted us to really meet up and was quite willing to come down to the US again in a few months just for me, if I was happy with his idea.

To be honest Myne, at this point I was past caring and didn't think it was worth the effort. Besides although we had lively banter when we talked, we only talked rarely and I wasn't sure what we will be discussing if he flew all the way just to see me. So my reply was, let's see as things go. He sensed my reluctance and asked me to give it some thought.

2 weeks later he rang and I missed it again in typical fashion (not planned) he left his usual polite voicemail asking I ring back or he would and to be honest I felt guilty. But I couldn't bring myself to ring him back. Surprisingly he tried to reach me via Facebook during the week just to say hello, it was brief.

And on the weekend he sent me another Facebook message asking if I had given his idea some thought. I replied saying I didn't remember saying I was gonna think about it but I was willing to give his idea a trial run. He was online and replied saying the trial run seemed a good idea, we exchanged polite pleasantries and I haven't heard from him since then. It's been over a month!

Please tell me Myne, am I right in saying he is so not into me or did I frustrate and drive him away?


  1. He's so not into you. For me personally, a guy who's into you will make all efforts to communicate with you, at least at this initial stage. Just move on.....

  2. Forget the guy, he doesn't seem like a serious fellow.

  3. I agree with Anonymous. How many chances are you supposed to give the guy? He doesn't respect your time, and he doesn't seem like he really wants to talk to you. In the movie He's Just Not That Into You one of the male characters says, "If a guy wants to make it happen he will make it happen."

  4. Walk away girl! Just walk away!

  5. Yeah I agree with everyone, if its so much hassle at this early stage, imagine what the relationship will be like? Long distance relationship requires firm commitment.

  6. But all of you missed one very important thing. Her role in this. Why isn't she calling or reaching out? The vibes that we give off as women also matter. You were impatient enough to add him on FB but you've totally left communication up to him. Mixed signals dear. It doesn't help that when he does call, you're (co-incidentally) never available. Noone wants to seem desparate.

    1. He is speaking to several women at the same time i bet ...... if not, a man who is interested will seek out ways to draw the woman out (up to a point).

  7. He is so so not into u. Just move on with ur life n dont even give him a thought.....
    get a pet.....and distract urself!

  8. Am shocked by the responses here....baffling! They are both to blame, not just the takes two to tango. Both of you were introduced by a mutual friend and the onus is on both of you to make it work. If it has been that the guy met you on his own, am sure his approach will be different but he's also been courteous just like you are been courteous too. At the end of the day, he wanted to pass thru your state on his visit, you said no! So what do you want this guy to do? You confessed yourself that you made sure that he did not come to see you on his first trip, yet he gave it another shot, telling you he's ready to come just because of you ALONE! At least meet this guy before you jump into a conclusion about him. I believe the guy made more effort by the singular act of asking to come and see you in the US which you declined.

    1. @ Kay: Nice to read a guy's input - yes it does indeed take two to tango and both parties should have been more pro-active.

      However,what if it really was not possible to meet up on the 1st leg of his first trip, the girl offered to meet up on his return (she was willing to meet him- it was not a flat out No!) - her suggestion wasn't convenient for him either.

      Why contact the girl again to meet up the second time, ask her to think about it and disappear from the radar when she agrees to give it another go? "Mind games"

    2. I believe that a man always goes after what he wants and women should not go about chasing men. At least in the beginning, it has to be really clear that this man really wants her. When things progress then both parties are responsible for making it work. This friendship never made it cause the man was never into her from the beginning.


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