Monday, March 18, 2013

Between Bad Boys, Bad Girls and Those Who Love Them

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After reading this post by Huntly Anabs, I got to thinking about the issue of toxic relationships. I don't like using the word bad and good in this scenario, they're so value laden and binary. The more usual thing is that most of us fall within a spectrum from one end to the other, and sometimes bad stuff happen to good people in relationships when they are not compatible with their partners. So when I use bad boys and bad girls in this post, I mean people who are deliberately cruel and/or abusive to their partners.

After witnessing a physical violence episode between a neighbor, and the neighbor's girlfriend, Huntly calls his neighbour a bad boy;

Now, by all standards, John is someone I would refer to as bad boy; A bad boy because he smokes and drinks excessively? Maybe not. A bad boy because he has a tattoo on his neck and left arm? Far from that. A bad boy because he wears ear rings and carries dread locks? Definitely not. Who then is a bad boy?

A bad boy is a man who abuses a woman physically, emotionally and psychologically. He makes her feel worthless and demands from her what he’s unwilling to give. A bad boy is someone without a vision, dream and a sense of purpose. A bad boy is someone who lacks character. A bad boy is someone who is too immature and preoccupied with himself to share genuine compassion, concern or acceptance. A bad boy would rather be possessive than be protective of his woman. A bad boy cheats on his woman.

In his comments on the post, a guy paints a broader picture of a bad boy, having been one himself in the past. From the way he says it, I realized that any one could be bad in a relationship, it just depends on how much emotional baggage we're carrying, the more you have weighing you down, the more damage you cause to those in a relationship with you. Daniel iyade asks;

Does a bad guy get the ladies? Yes. He does. (Because most girls love drama. They are always looking for the good-bad-guy that does not exist). Is being a bad guy beneficial on the long run? No it is not. (Because bad guys can't meet the standards of a good relationship)The most important question is: why does anybody choose to be a bad guy?

After self-evaluation, I realised that the principal factor for me is "FEAR". The fear of loving another person that does not reciprocate. I used to think that its better to be the "disappointer" than being disappointed. I have learnt that disappointments are part of life's learning process.

The fear is just one aspect of it, but I doubt anyone chooses to be bad. I have to point out at this stage that boys aren't the only ones who can be bad to the good girls in their lives. Girls can be bad too, and their cases can be even worse sometimes, especially when they are dealing with a Bobo Nice.

There are so many things in addition to fear to burden bad boys and girls including lack of trust and chronic suspicion of everyone around you, as well as pain and unspent grief from previous loss. This loss can from from childhood trauma, growing up in a dysfunctional home, or from heartbreak.

Bad boys and girls are in effect acting out like little children throwing a tantrum, but they're doing it in an adult body. During a tantrum, someone always gets hurt, and in the case of relationships, the lashing out can manifest in various ways like listed above. The unfortunate part of this vicious cycle is that the partners of bad boys and girls often notice their flaws, either at the beginning or soon enough, but they decide to remain in the relationship hoping or believing they can change them.

The truth, they cannot be changed, at least not by an external party. Healing from their past pain is a journey bad boys and bad girls must accomplish by themselves, and in their own time. If you're a good girl or a Bobo nice who is attracted to a bad boy or a bad girl because they excite you, and bring drama to your otherwise boring life, be careful.

What a bad boy or bad girl who is not ready or able to change on their own needs more than love from a novice is counselling. While everyone deserves love, including bad boys and girls, those who love them should not have to lose their essence or life in the process.


  1. True words. Sometimes the girls that date these bad guys have low self-esteem and think they don't deserve any better. Thanks Myne, this is really informative and insightful.

  2. True words indeed,so true.I happen to be married to a very bad boy for years now.He does everything described above nd more.He comes from a very bad nd dysfunctional polygamous home.Its been terrible,I've kids for him nd often left with my kids but had to always come back cos am afraid of having a broken home nd putting my kids thru d stress of staying with just a parent having come from a good nd loving home myself.I often get d impression dat he's crazy d way he gets really violent over little issues.He can be sweet when sober but he's horrible most times.He suspects my every move nd accuses me often yet he cheats on me.I pray to God often to change him,I don't know what else to do.

  3. @ annonymous 1127,be on ur guard always,cos raising a child in an unconducive home is worse than when u raise them as a single parent,so dat they don't grow up and start behaving like their father. I pray God change him for the better.

  4. Thanks Myne for posting my article on your blog. Ii @anon, all wil be well in due time

  5. Omggggggg. Just read the full text. That guy should be made to suffer for his actions. Who treats a woman that way

  6. Myne, I had read huntley`s article before today and I haven't been myself since then. Reading it again today just makes me cry and leaves me broken. After reading through some of his posts, I felt like he was referring to me. He is a gifted writer and his blog is quite realistic. His neighbors rift with his girlfriend reminds me of what am going through in the hands of my boyfriend. I'm currently in an abusive relationship and the sad thing is I find it difficult to break out. He's someone I have come to love. He's my future

    We have been dating for close to 4 years now and there's no month that passes by without him abusing me. He fits into huntley's definition of a bad guy. Just recently, I caught him red handed having sex with my cousin but still, I love him. I know many of you would rain insults on me for being foolishly in love with a guy who treats me anyhow but the truth is is we've both come a long way and each time I feel like breaking up with him I just find myself not being able to.

    He is the one who deflowered me and letting go of him would only cause more pain. I'm confused as to what to do. Something tells me if I break up with him I will never be able to love another guy. Please I need your advise. I'm a lady who's hurting. I feel less than a woman because of this guy

    1. Babes......its not about raining curses oo. Its about your life and destiny. I am sorry what you say you have for this guy cannot be LOVE ever, ever ever ever ever. Its a bunch of emotions infused with infatuation that is slowly eating you up through delusional signs.

      You can not LOVE SOMEONE when you HAVEN'T loved yourself. Seriously? For real... Not only are you living and convincing yourself of a lie, you are actually destroying yourself while at it.

      Loving yourself means appreciating your self worth physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually etc. I think you need to STOP and think, YOU NEED to LOVE YOURSELF. Forget the dudes, stop going on about being deflowered or looking for stupid excuses stuffed with lies about "not able to love another"? If you LOVE yourself dearly and as much as your family LOVE you, I am certain you wont think twice, you will make the right decision.

      LOVE is kind, love is gentle, Love does not envy one another, Love does not seeks its own. Love believes all things, Love hopes all things. Love does not seek anger, lust, fakeness, pain etc. LOVE IS PURE.

      My dear, LOVE IS CONSTANT, its not a one off thing. You better snap out of this nonsense of emotions. If you like listen to the words of the wise and let GO or be foolish to build your house on the sand and watch how the rain and wind will blow it away. Whatever you are sowing now, I hope you know there are seeds to harvest. My guess, its your life, as you please.

    2. Anon, I will post up your story, but I honestly cannot add much to what DOHK just said. Please leave that relationship, this instant. Talk to some adult you know and respect, and determine to love yourself from now on. Loving yourself means not allowing others to deliberately hurt you physically or emotionally. Anyone who does this, does not love you. Please, leave.

  7. Sometimes ladies deserve to be abused by a man. After being through a terrible heartbreak I vowed to deal with any lady that comes my way. I hope I haven't offended anyone

    1. Who ever you are happiness is far from you. Such a mysoginist. Mechewwwwwwwwwwwww

    2. You cant live your life creating a vicious circle, not only is it immature, its does not work well for your reputation. Remember: every decision we make shapes our future and there are consequences for our actions. Its best to forgive the situation and learn from it for your own good.

      Yes, you were heartbroken. I hope you have reflected on everything that has happened and learnt to take the good, understand the bad and accept the ugly as life experiences.

      Hurting other people will only feed your own personal issues and insecurities it will not solve your problem and its not HAPPINESS.

    3. I suggest you speak to someone you respect, you only hurt yourself when you hurt others. Learn to forgive the person who broke your heart, and let go of the pain, only in healing will you find love.


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