Saturday, February 9, 2013

Dear Myne - I am a Christian But He's Not

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I have a situation here and I am really confused. You know what, when people say when it comes to the matter of the heart you can't fight it, they def know what they are saying.

I met this guy some years ago and we started getting to know each other. At first, I just wanted to know how it will go and then we got closer. He introduced me to a  beautiful world, changed my view about men, he is smart, responsible etc. Our relationship was not perfect, but we found ways to deal with situations, spice things up and communicate. Communication is VERY key to me.

The closer we got, the more sure I was I wanted to be with him. That was also the time I drew closer to God (becoming a godly woman) and this guy is not a Christian. Around this time, I read some articles about marrying non-Christians, heard some sermons and I started to feel "somehow" in my mind. So I broke up with him. I was scared of how he would react, I was scared of hurting him, and hurting myself, I did not want to but I had to do what I had to do.

The whole thing was miserable, very! I would have imagined myself getting back on my feet really easily but no. It has been almost 2 years since we broke up and I still think about him, I have casually seen other people but I have found it really difficult to commit. I have not felt connected to anyone like I did him. He is really different.

Anyways, some months ago he asked to see me, and I agreed. We talked, laughed, and had a really good time. Those feelings that I mentioned never died were still there. Yeah, they are still alive, living in my being and soul (lol). I saw him some more after that and now he wants us to be together again. He is still not a christian so nothing has really changed.

He promised that he won't stop me from doing my "church" activities and we can be together regardless of religion. I really don't know what to do because I know I want to be with him really bad but when I think of what God has done for me and the fear that the one person I love is not born again, I get scared. I get really scared. If he hasn't changed more than a year after I left him, what are the odds that he would when we have children (etc).

But I really do not want to walk out on love. I know he loves me and I love him too..

Please HELP!


  1. I believe God loves everyone Christian or not. I know that most religions are based on the same fundamental principles. I have also seen people of different religions get married and have what seem to be happy marriages. Chances are that you may convert him by your conduct in the marriage. I have seen this happen a number of times. My dear, listen to your heart and if what you have heard from sermons, is all that is stopping you from marrying the man you love and believe is the love of your life. Then I do not think it is not enough.
    Remember that Jesus came for the Jews but that did not stop the Gentiles from getting saved. In my opinion, Jesus did not discriminate. Why should you?

  2. This is a tough call. Was once in a situation like yours where I had to make choices. I only had to let go because I had drawn up a list a long time ago of what I wanted in my man to make me happy in my marriage and what he didnt have wasnt there. I tried to live with it but wasnt happy so I just had to let go. Wasnt the best of times for me I tell you. At a point I thought I had lost on love but then I found love again and happily married....
    My dear, your happiness is most important...Will you be happy knowing that you are 'unequally yolked'. But then my dad was never a christian until 25 years into their marriage but my mum was. My mum never considered it an issue. We went to church with her. My dad only got converted because he saw the positive influence the church had in his children. But I can beat my chest to say my dad was a better example of a father and husband than some who said they were christians.
    My dear, you know your man. Go with what will give you happiness. Heaven is a personal race.
    All the best and sorry for the long epistle.

    1. Elisoft I agree with you. Sometimes there are other issues apart from the religion thing. In that case, it is really a no-brainer to let go.

  3. This is such a tough thing to decide but if you really want to follow what the bible say, the truth is that you should not be unequally yoked with an unbeliever. My dear sister, please exercise patience and keep praying.. maybe God can change him OR bring someone that you are equally attracted to that is a Christian. Do take care!

  4. You have to differentiate between being religious and a born again christian.

    Secondly if you truly believe in God,through Christ Jesus you will have to take it up as your cross. Win that soul for Jesus and yes you won't be doing that alone the holy spirit is there to guide you.

    Win him over with love. Don't fight it,don't sweat it. Just stay dedicated in the race and u'll win.

    "Love conquers all"


  5. Hmmmmmm ((oro yi so is ni lenu out bu iyo is: dis is a hard nut to crack) u shuld go to God in prayers.

  6. @Elisoft, i don't buy that your own idea. If you are really going to advice this chick, advice her base on what the holy bible says, "do not unequally yoked with an unbeleiver". Our father's might be ignorant of christianity in their days but not ours. The bible also says that " in time of ignorance, God overlooked" So don't apply your fathers faith here. Now that you know the truth pretty damsel, i will advice you wait for your man to come. No matter what you feel for this dude, you have to subject that feeling. If you marry a wrong partner, you can be frustrated for the rest of your life; at the same time lead you to hell. And if you marry the right partner, you can happy for the rest of you life at thesame time allow you to make heaven. This is what i will personally advice you to do, pray and beleive God that your man will come. But don't because of your feelings marry him. A word is enough for the wise.

    1. Whoever you are, God bless you! I couldn't have said it better. Let me also add to the Lady, you said " I do not want to walk out on love". Who says you would be walking out on love? How do you just conclude that this is the person you must marry, even if he is not a Christian, and in disobedience to God's Word? A word is enough for the wise o. If you truly have the Holyspirit inside of you, listen to Him. I no wan talk plenty.

    2. I agree with these responses. God is not an author of confusion. He has set standards/guidelines that we should apply, if we have made a decision to become born again. He will not bend His standards for anybody. I think that knowingly disobeying God, and then trusting that He will turn the situation around to suit our human desires, is just tempting faith. It is easy now that you are not yet married for him to say that he will allow you to serve your God, but when the chips are down, can you predict how he will behave, say 5-10 years down the road? Some people have married and ended up ruining their lives because they ignored the warning signs. There is nothing much for anyone to say here because, from what you have written, you already know what the right decision is, but subconsciously, you are seeking out people to endorse /justify the decision you want to make with regards to marrying this guy, whose beliefs are so different from yours. Remember that whatever you do decide on, the consequences will be borne fully by you, so act wisely. I pray that the Holy Spirit will strengthen you to do what is right.

  7. What if after u have kids he insists on his kids being muslims, will u b okay with that. My sis-in-law is a christain and married my bro a muslim, the problem is nt my bro but my mum who picks her up every sunday to come to d mosque with her, my mum is rily nice to her so she can't say no. By d way I am a christian, and I can't even go far with a muslim in a relationship 2 d extent that we'l consider marriage, afterall we r supposed to love God more than ourselves. Ur eternal place is d most important of all. P.S it is not until u marry an unbeliver that u can convert him, I am sure there is someone out there made for u by God

  8. I had the same issue years ago,I was in love with a christain,am a Muslim ,a devoted one,I was confused ,I lost a lot of weight and I was always thinking but I knew within me that I would not be able to cope,he promised me all sorts,he said he wouldn't disturb me from practicing my religion,but in Islam,it is not permissible for a Muslim lady to marry a non Muslim but the men can,I had to get out of the relationship,it took 2years but finally met a Muslim who is everything in the world to me n blessed with lovely children,so my dear sis,most times ,I think its better to marry t someone that shares the same faith with you,I couldn't have imagined myself marrying an unbeliever because am passionate about my religion,the christains sees the Muslims as unbelievers n vice versa ,pls wait ,a good christain guy would come along.

  9. My dear, this is a painful situation but nothing compared to what you're going to go through in the future. Yes, it's been tough for you. But here's what I would tell you. Despite your beautiful feelings for this man, he is putting himself first. You need someone who puts Jesus first, you second, the kids third and himself last. You need someone who will honor you, who will go to the ends of the earth for you. This guy won't even go to church with you. I know you love him. I know it's hard. But he loves himself and how you make him feel more than you. I've been married 30 years. My dear, you are trading a year or two of happiness for 50 years of heartache. You'll always regret this. Jesus does love you. One of the ways you'll know a man is right for you is if you share your love for Jesus and if he'll go to the ends of the earth for you. Share your heart with Jesus. He will provide a man for you. Right from your local church. How you'll know is that man will go to the ends of the earth for you. But you have to start with Jesus. He already knows today who you'll marry and he is right now preparing that man's heart for you. And that man will adore you, honor you, love you, die for you, a man who will lead your family and children in faith, the man who leads the family in prayer, through tough times, at church, who reads the Bible with your children, who cries at how Jesus could save him. Your man will make you feel good for awhile, but when the newness wears off, faith will remain. Except this man won't have that and you'll be left alone and very soon you'll be alone again to pick up the pieces looking for that man who leads your family. I'm sorry but you can feel good now and sad later, or sad now and good later. It's up to you.

    1. God bless you Ma. I have also learned from your comment.

    2. Wow! Thanks soo much, I will keep praying

    3. exactly! good now and sad later or sad now and happy later.

    4. Exactly ma'am. God designed marriage to be a unit of the kingdom of Heaven on earth. It was supposed to display the power and harmony that is present in the Trinity-Father, Spirit, and Son, but people have trivialized marriage and many are in powerless unions because they did not play it by the rules, as stipulated in the Bible. There is beauty in praying together for a common purpose and shared goals. A man is not merely the head of the home because he is a man, or has fathered children. It is a positional responsibility bestowed on him which makes him the priest/shepherd of his home. The head has the eyes-sight; the man is the seer for his family. The nose-smell i.e discernment and every other faculty present in the head. It is the man that should seek direction and get the operational manual for his home from the Lord, and he can only do this, if he is a committed believer. In many homes today, divine order has been perverted, and women are playing roles that are supposed to be the man's, all because divine protocol/order has been ignored and abused in the home. Imagine the frustration of having a serious challenge, and you cannot even pray together with your man about it because you are not on the same page. I would recommend that one marries someone with mutual beliefs/faith. It makes things less complex.

  10. I am in the same situation as you, and all I can say is it is scary. However, I feel better when I pray about it and I will never stop praying for my significant other to have a relationship with God. Good luck.

    1. Amen! Thank u. Good luck too

  11. I knew my wife 20 years before we got married. We were those same nursery, primary and secondary school types but it still doesnt matter on some days. When the chips come crashing, it's our love for Jesus that keeps us sane under the same roof. Now, I am really crazy about her, but because we share a common understanding of God's love, we are able to forgive and move on...and ask anyone who is married, you''ll say "I'm sorry" more than "I love you"

  12. I am in the same situation as you. In fact, the two men I have loved most in my life have both been non-Christians, and I have let both of them go because of that. I am still struggling with my emotions for the last one. There are certain problems in our relationship that I know would not be solved unless we are on the same page spiritually and both following the example of Jesus. Like the last anonymous said, I want to know that he is committed to God before he is committed to me. If I saw that, I would feel then that I could trust him more completely. Without that, I feel like the only thing that would keep him committed to me would be his love for me, and I know that emotions can fluctuate through a lifetime of marriage. But I really love him, so it really hurts to give him up.

  13. d only ansa to dis s prayers...n i also learnt alot 4rm dis myslf *****switchloe****

  14. At the heart of it, faith is intensely personal. Marriage is based on shared values and faith is one of those things. When the push comes to shove, this man does not believe that Jesus died on the cross for you and is the ONLY way to the Father. Can you live with yourself knowing your man doesn't share this belief? If you can with a solid view of eternity in your sight, then go ahead. if you can't, then it is better to let go now than suffer later. All the best!

  15. Sorry. I don't believe in letting go of someone because the person is a non christian neither do I believe in forcing someone to accept my faith to date me...maybe, because I've seen Christians do very horrible, if the person has the characteristics that I seek in a lover (yes, I used the word lover) then why not ..if not??

  16. Christians can be horrible... I married for love and I'll encourage anyone to. That 'Christian' marriage may be the road to years of sadness or regret.

  17. This is really hard. gosh....but please be patient.
    Is he another religion entirely i.e muslim, hindism? If that is the case then there is no point asking for our opinion.

    However if he doesn't really have a religion, hold on to him and say you are a christian, talk to God about this and let him give you an answer, don't just leave the guy because he isn't a christian without trying. PRAY a lot. Pray to God for the salvation of the guy, tell God how much you love the guy and ask God if the guy is really the bone of your bone. Ask God, talk to him, don't rush or be blinded by love. Get a definite answer and be sure.

    I wouldn't advise you get married to him if he isn't a christian...but i say this with a shaky voice bcos i have been in love and i know this situation right now is hard. I know exactly how you feel in the terms of not being able to get over a guy cos he is different and being that you tried the dating scene and it didnt work out, you will be convinced he is for you. ASK GOD to tell you. maybe the guy can change? if not then i assure you, you will still find your husband/true love. marriage is not a joke, it is a LIFETIME commitment...and LOVE IS NOT ENOUGH, it is just part of it.

  18. Time to pray very well girl! No slacking

  19. You love him so much, you say? Yet as a born again Christian, you know the fate of anyone who doesn't believe in Christ is hell.
    I'm wondering if you've ever seriously prayed for his salvation, or preached Christ to him. I once refused to date a guy just because he wasn't a born-again Christian, and 2 years later, he called me, ablaze for Christ, and chastised me for not trying my best to lead him to Christ instead of an outright rejection.

    Still feel sad for you. Letting go will definitely be heart-breaking, but maybe you need to let go to allow him find himself and his religion. Or to realize the true value of yours.

    I'm giving the same classical Christian advice as everyone else, pray and study your Bible. Study and use a concordance to search out Scriptures that relate to marriage and love. There's no way you won't find answers before you're through. Pray for the Holy Spirit to speak to you.
    And ask him for a break while you do this. Whether you decide to resume after your search of the Scriptures depends on what you've learnt, taken in or rejected.
    Best of God's blessings hun!


  20. Love is really not enough lke ssomeone mentioned.I dated this guy like over a decade and ours was even a distant relationship but as I grew and saw how marriages are around me, I stopped in my track to examine our relationship.Everything was going well n fine even as we are on different grounds, we were not perfect but we kept it going but this question never stopped to ring in my head and that is, 'do God know about us or does He want us together even after years together"?
    When I brought this issue to him,he didnt believe in my belief, he believes we have been doing well even with the distance,he believes we can make it .I was a bit turned off but I think he doesnt take marriage serious n we kind of dont have same belief on marriage though he is a christian but his lack of belief made me call off the relationship.

  21. My parents were both of different religions. 20years after their marriage, my dad converted. Not to say that that will be the case with you, but they made their marriage work regardless. They followed their hearts, so I say, follow yours. :)

  22. I was also in this situation and what I did was pray about it. You see, you can't really tell. There are marriages that survive on love alone even when faith differs. There are people that married the christian bro or sis and have so many regrets because even though the spouse doesn't believe in divorce, yet he doesn't believe in pure love either. There are christian bros that would make you almost choke your own neck.
    At the same time, if you desire a wholesome marriage, then the things that are important to you will have to be taken seriously. To you, it is your faith. However, faith is not a hobby. If it were, you could participate in it alone. Okay sunday afternoons, i play tennis and he plays soccer.
    Faith permeates every aspect of your life. It affects every decision, even your taxes! I'm working on my tax return and my friend said you can increase your refund by taking this credit that I'm not qualified for. My flesh said yes, my faith said hmmmm no. That's me as a single person, if I was married and we disagreed over that, we have a common source, the bible to refer to. So your faith will prevent you from agreeing on so many things with him. I'm not saying that because he is not a christian, he is dishonest.
    I let go of a man that I loved but wasn't a believer and it was hard. Matters of the heart are not easy o but in the long run, I had peace because I turned it over to God. I prayed and said okay God you know I'm a peculiar girl and this is someone that gets me, how can he not be the one for him. I said let your will be done. And I knew that if he was the one, God would work on him and bring him into consciousness of him. It didn't work out that way. Instead I had a set of revelations from God (I'm no spiritual seeker) and I knew that God loved me beyond anything, that he had already looked into my future and seen what I couldn't see.
    So my dear, just pray to God and discipline yourself to go with the spirit even if it is painful. The Lord speaks to us in several ways o, don't ignore the signs.
    Your guy could in the future decide to be a buddhist, what will you now do? As a christian however, with his spirit in submission to God, even when or if he starts to stray or be funny, that communion of spirits makes it easier for you to go to your common father in prayer. That's my own o, sorry for the epistle.

  23. As a Christian, Christ isnt just an activity or something you add into your life, but should be at the center of your life, and everything else rotates around it.
    I'm married and couldnt see myself dating, let alone someone that wasnt just a Christian, but was saved, and "knew" God. I'm not talking about someone who goes to Church everyday, I'm talking about someone I dont have to remind to tithe his earnings, someone I can pray with, and someone when things arent working well, will tell me to pray for it, our family or him.

    I read what some folks have written about their fathers not being Christian, and converting later...what they dont tell you is prob how hard it was for their mother, they are children looking at their fathers with biased eyes, its never the same. Also because it happened that way, doesnt make it right. Marriage is a commitment, you need to have a basis for your ideas and morals. My husband dont agree on everything, but if things go wrong, we can call a pastor for counseling.

    Dont you think God loves you, that you cant walk away from this, knowing that God has your best interest at heart? What do you think is God's thoughts for you? when you think about God, who is He to you? How would you feel if you heard your husband talking bad about this God that you worship?

    What is love to you???

    May the Holy spirit give you wisdom.

  24. So many anonymous comments lol. Are the Christians ashamed to have their names linked to their heartfelt opinions? or are they scared that they might be forced to eat their words? lol

    Dear writer, I would say pray and follow your heart. Do you trust this man that he will truly support you? What about the children that will come, what is his plan for them? Does he mock your religion or make light of it? These are situations that will get more irksome and stressful in marriage.

    I may not be a fire-breathing Christian but I have always dreamt of kneeling down and praying with my beloved by my side. A non-believer does not fit that picture.

    1. I smiled when I read your comment Ginger. You say you are not a fire-breathing Christian, but in few words you have driven home your point strongly, lol.

      The fact that two committed Christians get married, does not make the marriage problem free, and yes, Christians can be terrible, like some have written, but so can any human being for that matter. At the end of the day, the beauty of it lies in two hearts knitted together and calling on one God when the problems of life hit-and they will; it lies in the tremendous power that two married believers walking in tune with God can generate in order to establish God's will for their marriage and their children too and generations after them.

  25. Mnh, marriage is not a relationship to enter lightly and I can see why this is tough. I used to have a friend when I was serving who was an ideal-partner kind of guy. He was interested in me (a girl can always tell) and once in the middle of a conversation he mentioned that he would marry anyone, even a cripple, if he was convinced that God was telling him to do so. I have nothing against such great trust in the Lord as I am also a very passionate Christian. But let me acknowledge it here that this one statement spoiled his every chance. I cannot explain why I think like this about this matter but it feels like a soulless and dispassionate way to go about the marriage relationship and I would want none of that! So, love is very important, and values are also very important. In my own opinion, the greatest of these is love.

  26. U need 2 pray un2 God 4 confirmatn if d guy is ur man. In my own view, dat guy is nt d best 4u coz he did nt bliv in any religion. So gng wit suc guz is vry risky 4 ur futur. Ma sistr, muv closer 2 God n let God direct u, d bon of ur bon wl surly com if u'r patienc enugh. Gudluk!

  27. I am going through a similar situation. The only difference is that he has a religion, Islam. I sit and think somethings about this issue. We have similar values and ideals. We complement each other well. Will I say just because he isn't a christian, everything else doesn't count. I don't think I can go through the whole process of letting him go and trying to find someone new. It is exhausting and I'm sick of it. I can almost picture myself lonely, depressed and laying on the couch watching sad movies if I end this relationship.

    Yea, I get the whole read your Bible and pray about it. It's easier said than done. When you've had bad experiences with christian guys, being with a non-christian guy that treats you well is a breath of fresh air.


    What are the things that do not make you a member of the body of Christ?

    What are the requirements for membership in the Lord's church?


    1. Simply believing that Jesus is the Son of God does not grant you membership in the Lord's church.

    Mark 5:1-12 .....7..."What business do we have with each other, Jesus, Son of the Most High God?....12 The demons implored Him....

    Demons believe that Jesus is the Son of God, however, that does not give them membership in the Lord's church. Legion was not part of the body of Christ.

    2. Sprinkling infants with water does not make them part of the body of Christ. Sprinkling unbelieving babies is not an act that adds them to the Lord's church.

    Mark 16:16 He who has believed and has been baptized shall be saved....

    Only believers who have been baptized are added to the Lord's church. Babies are not capable of believing.

    3. Joining denominations, such as the Catholic Church, the Baptist Church, the Lutheran Church, the Methodist Church, etc. does not grant you membership into the Lord's church. Joining a denomination cannot save anyone. You cannot join the Lord's church.

    Acts 2:47...And the Lord was adding to their number day by day those who were being saved.

    The requirement for being added to the Lord's church is not joining a denomination. The Lord only adds the saved to the church. The church is the body of Christ.


    The apostle Peter said, on the Day of Pentecost, " Be saved from this perverse generation!" (Acts 2:40)

    Who was saved? Acts 2:41 So then, those who had received his word were baptized; and that day were added about three thousand souls.

    Three thousands souls were added to the Lord's church on the Day of Pentecost. Why were they added to the body of Christ?
    They received Peter's message and were immersed in water.(baptized).

    Peter's message: (Acts 2:22-38) They were taught that Jesus was the Christ. That Jesus was Lord. That God raised Jesus from the dead. They were told to repent and be baptized so their sins could be forgiven and that they would receive the gift of the Holy Spirit.

    Those who believed Peter's message, and repented and were baptized, were added to the body of Christ by the Lord Himself. (Acts 2:47 ...And the Lord was adding to their number day by day those who were being saved.



    1. FAITH: John 3:16, Mark 16:16
    2. CONFESSION: Romans 10:9-10, Acts 8:37
    3. REPENTANCE: Acts 2:38, Acts 3:19
    4. BAPTISM: Acts 2:38, Mark 16:16, 1 Peter 3:21, Galatians 3:27.



  29. love guy is not the matter. 1) love God first. 2) the love after some years (after issues) is better than the love in the beginning.the guy may be in secret domain without your knowledge. At the end if no love it kills. love is indeed God. and God is love. without God there is no Love. Peace is God. without God there is no Peace. In a family when God enters love and Peace occupy. the Journey of Marriage is better with God than without. God is with me i can face tomorrow, yes o. A man/woman can give you 'secret love' to bring you into marriage, but after what happens.
    kindly go into Fasting and Prayer without see the man for long, with the help of others - strong people of God if you need them in order to hear from God before talking of love or not love. women should be careful before going into marriage, bcos men have upper hand in marriage as a head of a family. i do not think the man is 'flexible'. he should follow you to service (church) at least once. that is part of love, not only i love you i love case.


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