Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Abstinence and Love - From a Man's Point of View

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Yesterday, the dear myne post went up and brought in some really illuminating comments from Chukky Eboka, who went into a lot of detail to explain his stand. While I do not completely agree with him, I do see many valid points he makes, some of which I've blogged about before. I have shared some excerpts from his view point below;

Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. I'm offering up opinion from a male perspective- but here we have all these women telling us how we should feel. I'm quite sure the guy in question will be in the same age range as me, and he is in the UK just as I am. I can share a lot of how he feels- and i am explaining it to her. but the problem with relationships is that we never listen to the opposite side.

Pray tell me of some other way an upwardly mobile, intelligent, fast paced lifestyle young heterosexual male has to establish his territory around a particular female he fancies. any way you come up with will no doubt be some vanilla experience that only a woman can devise and which a man can replicate with his multitude of friends male or female.

My point is don't pass up on a good relationship/marriage/life because of some questionable sense of morality. Its not about sex- i'm not here advocating promiscuity. Its about liberation. Live your life girl and stop letting archaic values come between you and your happiness.

Sex is a natural progression of the way we express our love as human beings. it makes the girl that we love different from the girl who is just our friend. Your guy lives in the UK where the threshold of morality differs eons away from what is norm in nigeria which is debatable cos i lived in nigeria until recently. if he's good looking he has friends here that will sleep with him just because he took them to a fancy club, bought a few drinks and they had a fun night out him. they wouldnt date him most of the time- the sex is regarded as just the culmination of a fun night.

But there you are his supposed girlfriend- he processed your visa, paid your way here on a 6 hour flight and took you shopping and you are holding onto archaic vestiges of decency and religion. how have you separated yourself from the other girls. how are you this girl he loves? how are you this special girl that means a lot to him? that he took this effort for? for a tenth of the effort he spent on you he will get two white girls to do unspeakable things with him.

I'm not saying you should go about whoring yourself because a guy spent money on you- i am saying if you love this guy which i assume you do else you wont have gone to the UK to visit him- then my friend you have to wake up and smell life. cos this is what life is- its no fairytale, and in love you have to give. men- people in fact dont express love by playing monopoly and eating tea and crumpets and going to visit big ben.

All those things are opportunities to pull her close and look in her eyes and drown in them, and kiss her and tell her you love her, and take her back to your room not because you're some randy sex starved person but because the only way you can share something special with her is by taking off all your clothes and sharing in each others beauty and pleasing each other and sharing something special- something much more than just sex. thats what binds you together- else you might as well just be his pal and you could have pal'd by skype from lagos.

Maybe im different but i dont have patience for people who take life way seriously that they pass up on good people for reasons that are debatably perceived as "moral". if it was me i would have checked you into a hotel after the second night- given you money to enjoy your stay in the uk just to let you know its not about money or sex and you wont have seen me till you left. what am i rambling about? if you don't love him or didnt love him you shouldnt have taken up his offer to come to the UK, if you do love him and you feel he is a good guy who loves you - then yes you have robbed him of an opportunity to share that love with you, one im certain he waited months to do

Its not about the sex. its about the reasons that shes holding unto virginity and depriving herself of being with a guy that she feels is a good guy. its about religion if we must come to it. its about attitudes and a liberated way of thinking. i dont want to marry a virgin. i dont know any guy that wants to or has married a virgin in my circle of friends. call me worldly or godless but i expect to be intimate with anyone i date before i marry her. revelations that can come from such intimacy sometimes has an impact on decisions on matrimony and spending the rest of your life together.

Sex is a big percentage of marriage and sorry but anyone who enters a marriage blind without knowing your sexual compatibility with your partner is naive and that person will end up regretting that decision. almost every girl i know that married as a virgin tell me they wished they had explored more sexually and many of them end up straying.

What say ye? I will also publish some of the comments from men who see it also from the other side. Let's discuss this one first.

Read more about Chukky Eboka's views of love on his blog.


  1. Abstinence remains a standard Christians and if a girl decides she wants to hold on to it, then she has no moral right going to visit her boyfriend because they would definitely be alone and what does she expect from the man? The man would want to be a man!

    1. I agree with you that she shouldn't have visited him...back to the issue at hand.
      Y'all can come up with whatever opinions you choose about premarital sex but the truth remains that it does no good. No good whatsoever. We better stop deceiving ourselves. It's the egocentric nature of man that makes it seem like it does any good.

  2. hmm...just because premarital sex is part of the bf/gf relationships these days doesn't make it right.i always tell my younger sisters and friends not to be in a hurry to grow up.being sexually active comes with a lot of responsibilities.if you're not sure,don't do it.simple! after all,there are no guarantees the man will stay after the sex.best to err on the side of caution

  3. This is nothing but rubbish. We all know sex is made for married couples alone. I dont think articles like this ought to be published on the internet. May God have mercy on us.

  4. Very soon people will start coming out with justifiable reasons why they should be allowed to sleep with animals or kids. Gosh what is wrong is wrong!

  5. Dear Myne,

    This will be the first time i am commenting on ur blog though i read it every single day. We (most especially africans) have decided to take this religion thing to another level. I live in lagos and i see and hear a lot of stories everyday. A lot married women cheat these day because they r not sexually satisfied with their husbands. Just few days ago my mum was gisting me of how her frnd's daughter who got married some years ago was caught have sex with a much younger guy. After her mum called her to explain what happened she opened up and said since she got married she has never been sexually satisfied by her husband (she got married a virgin). I have seen much more examples. Women who dont understand what their men want in bed and vice versa. You get married to a man and find out he loves it when he is given a head but u are adamant and never give it to him. What do you expect him to do.

    Personally for me. I cannot marry a man am not sure i cannot satisfy well in bed and he also satisfy me well. Because lets face facts. SEX plays a major role in marriages.

    1. Personally for me. I cannot marry a man am not sure i can satisfy well in bed and he also satisfy me well. Because lets face facts. SEX plays a major role in marriages.

  6. These are his views absolutely and he seems to b pouring out his venom from a bad experience!
    Abstinence is not stupidity, its d hardest sacrifice! I married a virgin n I have an awesome sex life right now, just take time to discuss sex, dnt just do it tuk abt it, dnt b shy to ask ur partner wat part of sex he or she enjoys most or what area in his body tickles him most!
    Again, a girl who boards a plane to go spend just a wkend wit a guy, its hard not to do anything esp if U hv feelings for ds guy! So tell urself d truth n sit back at home or go pay him a visit.
    Guys dnt understand when U r tuking absrinence o, though it shd b a 2way thing-abstinence, I realised early that for most guys, sex is a pleasurable xpression of how they feel!
    Dat said, if U r still holding unto abstinence, hold on, do it for urself, a lot of ppl dnt appreciate it ds days!

  7. "Flee from fornication". "God will judge fornicators and adulterers". "The one committing fornication is sinning agaginst his own body".

    I quickly recall these texts from the Bible, and I am struck how far lifestyles and morals of modern man had deviated from these divine, timeless principles.

    Come to think of it, the same God who provided the gift of sexual intimacy is also the author of the Bible, his user-manual for life. And considering that he knows more about us, our needs, our make-up and what we really need to be happy than anyone else, including this blogger, his guidelines for using the gift of life, and its accessories, should not be taken lightly.

    Sex is meant by its provider as a means for married couples to express their love for each other in a uniquely special way. Like other gifts from our Creator, the freedom to decide is a dignity conferred on us, and ought to be used to make right decisions, decisions that leave us happy, with a good conscience, emotional and physical health, and demonstrates consideration for others, not to selfishly satisfy our every whim, without regard for how that affects others - our sexual partner, any unplanned for child, or even who our partner ends up with after they have been "used".

    my dad happened to marry a virgin, so did I, and my two brother-in-laws. We consider ourselves exceptionally fortunate, because none of us had virginity on our checklists, but looked out for women who shared our beliefs about life, about morals, and about the Giver of life and sex. But speaking for myself, I have everything to be grateful for. The self-discipline of dating a pretty girl for two years without getting in the sack with her has served me well in remaining faithful to her ever since. And when we have the obvious uncertainty as to what we can give and what the other person expects, we talk! That is what adults do. My little daughter will whine and cry and lash out, but her mum and I, we talk - grey areas cleared, minds bared and compromises made. That is adult life, that is mature, and that is healthy!

    I too live in Lagos, and I have noticed that brand new cars quickly turn to tokunbo's within a few months, while the same models are used in Europe for years and still get to be sold in Nigeria almost as new. Who is to blame, the user or manufacturer?

    The Creator says: "Heed my commandments and continue living."

    I wish to add nothing further.

    1. GBAM...and I am still a virgin at 29 and would wait for the right man to share myself with as he'd do the same with me..

      God help us all in this day and age of a degenerate world.

    2. Thank you! Very well said!

      What do people do in relationships when sex is not involved? They talk.. They communicate.. It helps in more areas than sex (I stand to be corrected)

  8. Sex before marriage we all know is prohibited in both Islam and Christianity. But the question here is what is the foundation on which their love was build?
    If a lady followed a guy to a club at nite and he spends afortune on her and takes her home,she knows what she is in for.

  9. I think what the guy is saying is, Abstinence is good, but not when in a relationship. If you want to remain celibate, don't be finding boyfriend. Simple.

    Look at this pare;

    My point is don't pass up on a good relationship/marriage/life because of some questionable sense of morality. Its not about sex- i'm not here advocating promiscuity.

  10. I am a christain.. and a very very happy one at that. nevertheless, I do not support it when we all try to shove our religious views down people's throat. I made a decision like some of you be follow Christ, maybe it's cos I was born to a Christain woman who prays and nutures me with the word of God everyday.

    If you believe in waiting then you should talk about it with your man before starting the relationship.. talk about how far you might be willing to go. If you are a christain, if you want to remain a virgin talk about it to this fella.

    it's better knowing you are working on something together than letting it eat you up if that is not what he was looking to sign up for.

  11. There is great dignity in chastity!


  12. "Sex is a natural progression of the way we express our love as human beings." - As defined by the authority on sex itself: Prof Chuddy!

    I seriously beg to differ with your write-up.... Correct me if I'm wrong but I'm sure you will agree with me that the best person to define or explain how to use a creation is its creator and thank God He already has, in many ways..
    In saying this, it is also important to acknowledge that human beings are creatures of choice.. Sex in a relationship is a choice and is guided by a variety of factors. The lady wisely chooses to go with the time-tested, unarguably proven factor and you fault her choice because she is not 'modern' enough..

    I'm sorry but you almost model her after a prostitute when you say "he processed your visa, paid your way here on a 6 hour flight and took you shopping and you are holding onto archaic vestiges of decency and religion".. Please give the boyfriend a gold medal for his generosity and also one for Prof Chuddy!

    I applaud the girl's stance in the light of "Aristo" chics and "Runs" girls to hold on to what she believes and stand on her principles. If anything, you should tell her that you respect her.. If you had a daughter would you give her the same advice you proffer in your write-up?

    "oh sweetie, he bought you a car? Hope you paid him nicely *wink wink* Daddy loves his little girl!"

    Please, it's high time, decency, self respect and YES God-ly values are highlighted and celebrated as they ought to.

  13. @1+The One thank you for that comment, you just spoke my mind. Meanwhile hasn't Prof. Chuddy heard of giving without expecting anything in return? Lol.

  14. Dear Myne, I am commenting on your blog for the first time. I am a 30-year old single Nigerian female. I have dated several men, some sex was involved, others no. Looking back, I realise that the relationship without sex were more... concrete. I am not sure I am using the right word from my heart but we had something deeper going on for us. Really, sex is overrated.


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