Thursday, December 6, 2012

Soul Mates and Second Bests

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I'm sure most of you are familiar with the concept of soul mates - two people who, across the vast expanses of space and time, meet, fall in love and spend the rest of their lives together. They are united in love especially because for each one, the other is the most special person in the universe.

It's a very captivating idea, especially because most people want to feel that they are the most important person to someone else. So it's no surprise that it's an idea that has sold a ton of songs, books and movies.

Now I think it would be great if the only couples who ever got together were soul mates. But in reality, not everyone gets to meet someone who thinks they are that most special person. Sometimes, they're in the wrong place, or they're searching at the wrong time. Sometimes, they're just too different from anyone else to find the person who will love them right back.

But sometimes, they will meet a person who thinks they're special all right, and who is ready to spend their life with the soul-mate seeker. The problem is that this person *doesn't* think that the soul mate seeker is the most special person in the universe, because there's someone else they are carrying a torch for.

I can imagine that most people would be repelled at the thought of being together with such a person. How secure would you feel, not knowing whether they would throw you over once the obstacle that was stopping them hooking up with their real soul-mate was out of the way? Even if their real soul mate was out of the picture, it wouldn't be very flattering to be the subject of comparison.

But personally, I don't think it's as bad as it sounds. Maybe it's because in the first place, I'm not a paid up believer in the 'soul-mate' theory that says that there's just this one special person for you, and nobody else. I think that the extent to which we love someone can grow, depending how much effort we're prepared to invest in the relationship.

So even if the person may not *presently* love you as much as they loves someone else, if you are assured that they *do* love you, and they love you enough to want to spend the rest of their life with you, then it's possible that in the fullness of time, both of you will come to be the number one person in each other's lives. (Hint: if the person is constantly making comparisons between you and their soul-mate, that's a big clue that they probably don't love you anyway.)

But I'd be interested in to hear what you think. Would you consider being with someone if you *knew* that there was someone else they loved more than you, even if they never made any mention of it, and even if you were strongly attracted to them?




  1. True talk Atala. Love can grow with anyone who has shown you care and continue to nuture it. On that basis too, I believe there is no such thing as a special 'soul mate' meant for each person. I think that many timnes, people may not get much from their relationships because they are not giving anything to the relationship.

  2. i firmly believe that every person should deserves a second chance in life even if the prior relationship they were persuing comes to a disastrous end, even if there was someone he/she used to love.With time wound will heal & s/he have to let go off the past and continue to live in the present. Its inevitable that they loved someone more than u,But they shouldn't forget to love the present one either. Under this circumstances, i would allow myself to love someone who loved another woman.

  3. To begin this discussion, one must effectively define the term opposed to other feelings of infatuation. Because how could you love one person more than the next? God defines love in 1 Cor. 13th and the answer is always the same, love is....
    Love is not a emotion that can be measured and given away like salt *here, you have this amount, and you take this* If you love someone there is no way you can love someone else. So if you're in a relationship with someone who says they *do* love you but "loves" someone else as well be careful, because they do love one of you, and if that other person ever comes on the scene chances are your odds may not be so good.

    1. I concur...... with you ore 110%. In fact the worldly love is different from the Love God talked about because I think that LOVE is deep, rich and truly incredible. Love is not an emotion for that reason it cant just be discarded anyhow.. But we live on planet earth, where love is an emotion where everything one experiences is assumed to be Love. When in reality it just attraction and pure infatuation. Love is deeper than emotion and ultimately a decision. Although there are attributes that makes one make the decision to love the person. It really is a decision to strongly desire to chose to love SOMEONE with their faults, flaws, imperfections, mistakes, lack of control, ideologies, mentality, upbringing, unpredictability, etc. Mehn that is hardwork (thank God for grace), but because of this am sorry I cant be throwing this anyhow oo.

      I do believe "there are many special people out there" but we all have variations of what special means? What I consider special is different from what the other person considers special.Therefore, we cant define some stuff.

      However, there is that one person you can have a connection with that is different from people you have connected with in the past. It still doesn't mean one will end up together...

      My conclusion: humans are dynamic and we are always better than each other but we CANT all possess all the traits and characteristics. For this reason, I think people that say they have found their own special person is because there is something the others didnt have or lack or perhaps the person that has accepted them for who they are etc. I dont know, people love for different reasons (check their motives and intentions).

      Yeah Love can grow to some i guess but I think some of what we know and even convicted by is attributed to theory, assumptions and opinions sometimes. O well.

    2. Thanks for your comments, Ore Oluwa.

      "If you love someone there is no way you can love someone else."

      Maybe you mean that it's impossible to love two people very deeply at the same time? That's possible. But I believe that love is an activity, not just a feeling, so no matter how strongly you feel towards someone, if you don't feed the feeling, it will eventually fade away.

      "So if you're in a relationship with someone who says they *do* love you but "loves" someone else as well be careful, because they do love one of you, and if that other person ever comes on the scene chances are your odds may not be so good."

      That is a very reasonable precaution to take. But I feel that you should also judge the other person by their actions, not just by their feelings. So perhaps the person admits that they have strong feelings towards someone - but if they loved you strongly enough to put you ahead of the other person, and even went out of their way to minimise contact with that person when that person was available, shouldn't that tell you that they really do love you?

  4. Yes Atala, I agree with you. There is no one special person created for anyone. Like Debby, I think that love can grow any where if one tries to make it happen. This thing called RELATIONSHIP LOVE, it is never constant, It can grow wild and tall like a palm tree, it can diminish and disappear like vapour.

    I can be with anybody because, there is no such thing as that *special soul mate*

  5. Hi Atala, this is my second time checking back for your replies.

    1. Hi Eya,

      Sorry for being late to the party, and thanks for your comment.

      I will say, thought, that I don't know if love is *purely* an 'effort' thing - there does need to be some physical attraction, for example.

  6. The first people that came to my mind while reading this were Chris Brown, Rihanna and Karrauche. Rihanna has said it (more than once I think) that Chris is her soul mate. It's no suprise that they are back together. Soul mate is a strong term. It's like passion/obsession, unbridled love which in my opinion isn't mature love. Everything about your life revolves around that person, you go crazy at the slightest thing but accept everything because you think that person is your soul mate i.e your souls are tied.

    Now I'm in a fix because I sort of believe in the idea of soul mates BUT I must be that person's soul mate too. I'm not going to tie my soul to someone who has tied his soul to another person.

    So to answer the question, I wouldn't consider being with someone if I *knew* that there was someone else they loved more than me, even if the person never made any mention of it, and even if I was strongly attracted to the person.

  7. Ok, I had a response I was going to leave before I read Mstizzle's comment. That kain soul mate is scary, "your souls are tied" say what? IF that's the case then I wouldn't be that much of a proponent of the Soulmate theory.

    Once upon a time, I believed that for each person was made another person. That at the time of their creation God made them for each other. When A was conceived B was conceived a couple months later (or earlier...cough) especially for A. But then uhm... factor in abortions, miscarriages, sudden deaths, NUNS... what if your soulmate is no more lol?

    I've finally ditched my soul mate theory. I simply believe that for each person there is something that he or she is looking for in a happy (I'm not talking financial status looks now), there are things their hearts yearn for and whoever they find it with, first is the one they stick with. And if they do have a soulmate out there that they don't know of, and isn't the ones they married then... allow me to quote a movie and say "you [usually] won't find it if you're not searching for it"

    1. "that kain soul mate is scary" LOL!! I don't even think the term soul mates should just be reserved for couples. Friends can be soul mates, mother and daughter can be soul mates. "Jonathan's soul was knit to David's", that's the first glimpse of soul mates I saw in the bible. They went all out for each other and that's where I got my "souls are tied" concept from.

      By the way that your cough is suspicious. Is there something you want to share? ;)

    2. "what if your soulmate is no more lol?"

      That is exactly the problem I have with the 'soulmate' theory. Well said, Nollywood REinvented.

  8. hmm I CAN NOT! my love is too precious to be thrown back in my face lol.. same way I will never (and I have never) be with someone whom I have no connections with when when he has shown me how much I mean..

    I believe in soul mates and I know there is pure precious and initimate love out there lol

  9. Digested the talk... Love it to bits!
    I didn't even marry the one one who supposedly was my soulmate..

  10. I'm late to the discussion I know. But your first paragraph, is that really what/who a soulmate is?

  11. If this is this definition of a soul mate, then I have never met him and its too late already. I married the kindest man in Lagos as soon as he came my way. This, I have found, combined with a healthy dose of willingness to stay together and respect of each others' opinion, is enough to sustain our marriage(so far). I'm a romantic but I am also a realist, a kind man benefits himself in that because he lets me off the hook easily, I also let him off the hook with a 'sorry'. I think he'll do.

  12. Some people don't believe in soul mates
    I believe in God leading you
    It is my personal revelation.


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