Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Should You Get Back together with an Ex?

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When Taylor Swift was doing the TV rounds to promote her latest album Red, the single that she performed most often was the one above. She told the ladies on The View why she wrote the song from her experience with some exes who sometimes refused to remain in the past. She laughed a lot as she told the story and I could see where she was coming from, if the ex was a real cuckoo.

But what if the ex was one of those, the one that got away. Someone you thought was your soul mate until something happened to break you guys up. I have sometimes heard from friends and other women how they dream that some of their exes would come back one day and say they made a mistake and should never have let them go. My romantic heart actually wrote two exes back together in A Love Rekindled, lol. Below are some pros and cons of getting back with an ex...

Don't Take Them Back Because...

1. You Can Never Make It Like It Used to Be
Some relationships simply can't withstand that moment when the magic ends. No need to get back together and beat a dead horse.

2. It Might Be for the Wrong Reasons
When you have that familiarity with each other, it's so easy to fall into bad habits. For example, I've gotten back together with many women as a temporary Band-Aid for our mutual loneliness (which usually plays itself out in the form of sex with no real relationship).

3. They Might Hurt You Again
Obviously, if someone hurt you, they could do the exact same thing again. So, on top of the pain, you'll feel stupid making the same mistake twice.

4. They'll Think They Can Get Away with Anything
If you take someone back, they may think they can get away with treating you badly and they'll take advantage of you. You don't want to be that person, so think hard before you take that risk.

5. You Have No Room to Grow
Meeting new people helps you grow, and you learn from each new relationship. Going back to the old relationship might stunt your growth as a person...and prevent you from meeting someone better.

Give Them Another Chance Because...

1. We All Deserve a Second Chance
There's power in forgiveness. If you expect perfect behavior in your significant others, you'll be disappointed, and breaking up often.

2. Losing You Made Them Get Their Act Together
The reality of losing someone causes people to get their act together. They do some soul-searching to figure out where they went wrong and they realize how they should develop to be better in the relationship the next time around.

3. You Might Regret Not Taking Them Back
We've all be there before with the one who got away. Sometimes it's worth taking the risk to take someone back simply because we know we'll regret it later, and wonder what could have been.

4. It's Impossible Not to Take Them Back
Usually, your heart is wrong and your head is right, but your heart wins out. Sometimes it's impossible to say "no," and that's OK. Just don't be surprised if it doesn't work out.

5. It Could Be Better Than It Ever Was
This is rare, in my opinion, but my parents are a good example of this. They got back together after a separation and they've been happy together ever since. Sometimes a break helps you sit back and take stock of everything. If the growth you do while you're apart is complementary, then you might be able to give it another shot.

Ultimately, I'd lean toward not taking someone back. I think it's important to move on and meet new people and gain experience. It's definitely riskier to take someone back than it is not to let them back in your life. However, I find it incredibly romantic when two people are separated by circumstance and time and overcome the odds to end up together.


So have you had successful relationships with anyone the second time around? What's your policy on taking an ex back, and what are your thoughts on the pros and cons above? Is it usually a tough decision for you? What if the ex threw in a grand gesture and declaration of love, or a proposal of marriage? Will that tip the balance for you?


  1. It completely depends on why y'all broke up in the first place, if maybe it was mutual or because y'all were at quote on quote "different places in your lives" then when y'all are in the same place I don't see why it wouldn't work out

  2. This does not help me* at all cos am contemplating getting back to my ex whom I love more than d guy on board

    1. From my experience, only take the cons, it's no good going back to an ex.

  3. blessings....
    Unless both parties have work on what went wrong, is wrong, understand where the relationship went off the rails and are willing to do the work then it makes no sense travelling that road again because it will only be a matter of time before the old shit rises to the surface and derail what is.

    I don't believe in going back, once i am done I am done because while am there i give it 250%, explore all my options, so once I've decided its over well that horse is dead and it simply won't be riding me into the sunset of happily ever after.

    Have a splendid week

  4. I'm definitely not taking an ex back. If a relationship ends, it ends...

    My experience, we were together for 4years, we broke it off and came back together after 1year.It was just not the same, the same issues that I thought we worked on kept coming up, we barely were togetheR for 6months before we finally went our separate ways.

    It might work for some other people tho' but I don't think I want a second experience :D

  5. I totally agree with everything you have written Myne.I guess it might work for some and not for others. but the worst thing is to get back with somebody and continue to "manage" when you really know things can't get back to how it was before.


  6. Hmmm story of my life! Can they just be out, stay out and stop complicating things?

  7. hmm.. depends on the reasons of the breakup I guess

  8. It worked out for me and my ex. She had matured - our point of disagreements when we first dated was she was always shouting, insulting me and spreading our news to her friends. we are still together after 2 years of starting again - older and wiser and planning a wedding for next year by God's grace.

  9. Wrong move. Let the ex go for good. That which drove them the first time would still make them go the second time, so... let them go.

  10. It is better if s dog does not go back to it's vomit. Let the past remain in the past.

    1. Jeez! You are harsh. O f all the ways in the world to put it..........

    2. So sorry, that's the only way that came to mind.

  11. Got back with this Ex one time. I really should have known better. But I was in my second year in school, and nobody taught me. He said he would go by my rules. My rules started with 'no sex'. However, he just wanted to try his luck one more time. Well, luck ran out on him.

    Right now, there's another Ex around the corner. He asked for a break three years ago.Break was supposed to last 3 months. He came back a year and a half later. I no gree. I no longer love him but I do like him. I'm not sure I should be getting back with him. No more flame. He still calls me.
    He once painted a picture of us tell our kids our story, if we do get back together, that is. But I kinda think the past should remain there.

    1. Hahahaha @I no longer love him but I do like him. Have fun falling in like! He did not keep to his words in the first place, but you guys are still in Like.

  12. Different strokes for different folks. It might work out for some people, and others maybe not.

  13. It depends, and I think the points in the article will help those in that situation to make their decision. I hope not to find myself there.

  14. Don't go back to an ex, no two ways for me.

  15. I don't do exes....

    Once in the past, you're there to stay!


  16. In the past i belong to the school of tot that believe in not going back to an ex till the one i had in my 2nd year came back. Initially i wasn't interested in taking him back but he 'courted' me for months, also got my friends and siblings to beg me to give him another chance. I insisted we talk about why we broke up, it was very funny that we broke due to miscommunication and ego issues. Now we are more mature, we also respect our differences. I have been dating him now for months, like 6. He makes me happy, tells everyone about me (His people inclusive), and yes we are getting married this time next year cos we really wanna make sure it will work before getting committed.

  17. This is very helpful information,Thanks

  18. Depends on what happened the first time around. Previously, I'd have said "Never! Am ex is an ex for a reason. Don't return to your vomit, etc etc". But first, it's not very nice referring to a human being as 'vomit'. Second, it just depends. I've seen and heard of people who got married, got divorced, and re-married each other. Sometimes relationships ends because one or both of you are young and (quite frankly) stupid. Sometimes, you're not ready. Time and experience (including near-death experiences) mature some people.
    When it works the second time around, it's much better. It's not the same as the first time - which is actually a good thing, because you're not as naive anymore. When you love the same person twice and it works out, it's cos you both know you now have twice as much to lose. And the love isn't the same - if anything, it's deeper and more grounded; and definitely different from the "I can't breathe without you" type of love that characterised the first time.

    1. Forgot to add - no, I don't believe everyone "deserves" a second chance. To deserve something implies that it is their right. If they were so deserving, an initial split would not have happened. But sometimes, you think you're giving someone a second chance - and you find out that 'someone' is yourself.

  19. There's a reason why an 'ex' became an 'ex.' My own experience was an ex going in and out of my life like a yo-yo back in the University. The last time, his excuse was he needed to face his career seriously (dude was just observing NYSC in a bank then- he didnt get retained afterall.) Fast forward some few years, he's still struggling while I'm gainfully employed, he wants me but it's amazing how matured and better I've become in the years. I am SO not taking him back needless to say I'm restraining myself not to hurl insults at him when he contacts me. I'd rather move on and I quite agree with swimming in new waters, it broadens one's experiences.

  20. To each his or her own, but I can see why a person would take back their ex. Just as much as I can see why it's probably not the best idea. There is one woman that I am guilty of mistreating, so, in my heart of hearts I'd like to believe that I owe her the best of me. But she'd never take me back, so...Lol.

    Good read. One of those kind of reads that enforce my current beliefs that we only have one shot at love in a relationship.


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