Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Dear Myne - I have Commitment Issues

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I love your blog and I do not know if you could oblige me by posting my 'issue' up there. How can one overcome the fear of commitment? I have been dating a wonderful man for three years and the fear of even getting a proposal scares me that I break out in cold sweats. I broke off the relationship twice and got back again. I am afraid he may not be the one. I'd really appreciate some good advice.

We met during NYSC programme and started dating few months afterwards. We have the same values and principles on salient issues and he is very committed to God like I am. He has a sense of duty and commitment and my folks like him though we are from different tribes. He knows how to care for me, even though we quarrel we try to sort things up as soon as possible.

We had a did long distance relationship lfor about a year but he lives closer in Ogun State and I in Lagos so we visit each other every two weeks most cases. All in all, he is someone I would like to marry though I get upset with him when he doesn't call me often cos he is busy or tired from work (he's into marketing) and we can get into huge fights. I attribute that to distance issues.

I started praying asking God if I should go ahead and marry him and I had nasty dreams concerning him. I spoke to some (wo)men of God and some said proceed, others said no if you go ahead your life will be all messed up. It's on these reasons that I broke up with him twice and the first time he begged me back but the second time he didn't even bother and just walked away.

He didn't take my calls for weeks on end and I was in a morose state. I tried to tell myself I am fine but it wasn't working. Like having withdrawal symptoms so I did the begging and we got back together after three months. I didn't even have to beg so much before he hugged me.

I am not bothered that I cannot find another guy (I'm 26 years old) I am just worried that if I go ahead I am making a mistake based on the dreams I've had and prophecies or I should not bother about them and go ahead. We ought to have been married this year but I gave an excuse of we need to save up more money and he agreed.

Now he is saying next year and I am like I have heard but I am so dreading 2013.

I feel I have wasted his time and I feel bad because it's wicked. I have issues making up my mind on things though. I'd research and research till someone makes up my mind for me or I take the plunge.

*exhaling loudly*


  1. You are just like my wife. She had similar issues. However today, we're soo married and she's carrying my baby now, and she oftens moans about how she almost narrowly missed a wonderful man like me. * winks*.

    1. Oga Anon, Your wife is just like many young ladies out there. This thing called COMMITMENT is not easy at all. Making up one's mind about a "former stranger," accepting the fact that he is going to be a part of your life for ever is serious business that needs serious thinking sometimes. I do not blame any young lady with these issues. To me, it's a normal thingy.

    2. Do you also have commitment issues?

  2. Dear, I can relate with your "issue" even though I'm a guy. Once dated a lady like you (for a shorter time though - and she was 23), and I would just worry for her, cos she was always acting like she didn't deserve my love. I backed down before long, and she sensed it, so she asked for a "break up". Now she's with this dude whom I feel bad for - cos she's just wasting his time. I've since moved on though.

    Point is, my dear, if u're sure about him in your heart, marry him; otherwise, let him go - STOP WASTING HIS TIME!!!

  3. I also think you may be having a lil bit of commitment issues.Why not just make up your mind once and for all. Talking with people or listening to prophets cannot change anything. Fear is not a good thing. Pray about it and let God handle it dear.

    He does not give you stress I guess. He allows you to get very relaxed with him. You know women now, sometimes we are ready to die for the one that makes our heart jump every second, the one that gives peace? we get bored with and look for reasons to leave.

    If you break up again, you may end up begging again. For how long are you going to continue like this? What if you leave and then meet a heavy road block on your way back for another reconciliation? You may not be able to forgive yourself.

    Are you a dreamer like Joseph? If you do not like your dreams, pray about them. The meaning may just be the opposite of what you see. I dream every night dear, but, I do not allow that dream world to interfere with my real world. If you truly love him, then stop delaying yourself and go get married OK?

    1. I agree with everything you said, Eya.

      I'm not surprised she's having these issues. I've been there. And as for the dreams, honey please, I used to place such value in them but I don't anymore for serious reasons. I used to think the dreams were God speaking directly to me. Forget the dreams and listen to your heart! That's where God speaks to us the most. And know that while it's normal to have these "fear" issues, the key is to be careful not to sabotage your relationship (which is what you're doing with the quarreling and breakups - take it from someone who knows)in the process. At least there's the distance so you still have time to breathe outside of your relationship.

      Find out exactly why you're having these issues. Is it because you don't believe you deserve him, love, happiness, to be committed, for someone to want to commit to you without all the drama and heartache? The answers to these questions will give you some guidance. Best of luck! It shall be well:-)

  4. Wow. First of all, you need to check your past, or while growing up - did something happened that made you now distrust men? Personally, I think you need to be certain that this is the man you want before you go ahead and marry him, or else you would be making a big mistake. This is a lifelong commitment, so dont joke with it. Is there something about this man that you dont like? are you physically attracted to him? or are you just with him because of the length of time you have spent with him. If you feel this way now, I doubt it will change later. So, please be sure before taking the pkung!

  5. This is kinda like my story. I was dating this amazing guy and when I realised that we had been dating for a year(which I've never done before) I freaked out. Things didn't remain the same.

    Some months ago he broke up with me, I don't want to say I regret it but yeah.... The truth would always remain the truth.

    Why I started freaking out I have no idea, he didn't do anything wrong to me except be an awesome boyfriend but I've lost that now.

    Its good you are praying, I think you should do that often and take whatever any pastor tells you with a pinch of salt, you said it yourself some said go ahead some said not to, how do you know which to believe? Its in your heart. When you pray God would def give you clarity and direction.

    I'm also praying for clarity and direction for my "situation"

    God has always been there your 26years, you think he would leave you now? Naahh!

    Trust him.

    P.s: I dream a lot too, and I've learnt that there are reasons why God shows us some things in our dreams, for you to either pray against it or declear it.

    If you see something -ve in your dream, pray against it, if its +ve declear it. Simple as that!

    May God guide us all.

  6. What i noticed is that you started having doubts even before you people discussed marriage,so i can only advice you examine your reasons for having doubts.They might actually be worth acting by.

    1. I agree with A 9ja great, your dreams may be worth looking into,its better to err on the side of caution, i subscribe to the notion of being doubly sure before committing to a man/woman, for us ladies especially,we need to be sure, because we are the ones to follow the man. You need to be sure not only because the man might not be good for you,but also because if you don't deal with your trust issues, you will ruin a perfectly good relationship.. no man is perfect, but you should only marry a man, whose faults you can live with and whom you are comfortable following, let me ask you, would you be pleased if your son turned out like this guy, faults and all when he grows up? if yes then that's a good sign.. only you can answer those questions, most importantly keep praying, God will always show you a sign, you just need courage to obey... one last thing, i was pretty scared getting married too, my dad left my mum so i had trust issues too,but i married a faithful man so i had nothing to fear, so it can be normal to be scared.. just a thought!

  7. Before I got married I was also scared of commitments as well. Thinking all men are the same blah blah blah. But I am married now and loving it. I think you should check your past n deal with it before going into a relationship.

  8. hmmm. i think i would just say follow your heart. Make up your mind on time in order not to waste his time and if you are eventually going to leave him take it easy with him. I mean try as much as possible to give him a soft landing. three years is a long time.

  9. Please don't be afraid of commitment becausee you'l only be prolonging the day--it will surely come! It is just as with every other thing in life.

  10. To live, is to risk dying; to love, is to risk not being loved in return. After you have taken time out to question your doubts, and pray about them, if you have the all clear, please dare to risk it and go ahead, but if you still have doubts, do not rush into anything you are not sure of, because marriage is supposed to be for life.

  11. Your dreams I think are a sympton of your inner fear of marriage and what you stand to lose, and may have nothing to do with your boyfriend. Ask yourself what those things are and see if this guy makes it worth taking the leap anyway. If he doesn't, you may have to move on.

  12. You will do fine. When you have that witness in your spirit that you can spend the rest of your mind, go ahead. If you're not sure, you will be second guessing yourself for the rest of your life.

  13. aww darling, I understand how you feel, it's the cold feet we all get when we meet love!

    You mentioned you are both committed to God, and you have talked to your parents. Honey, have you asked God of his opinion? the truth is if you have a go ahead from God, you would be have peace about the whole thing.. you seem to really care about this man and he seems to love you dearly.. and it is natural to be afraid of being with the wrong person but seriously, it's not fair to him or yourself if you would always be unsure about both of you.

    So pray about it, and maybe get one or two people whom you trust to join you, since God knows all ask him. it will be fine hun xx

  14. I say listen to your heart and take your brain along. You seem to love this guy but you have too many doubts. You are using this dream as an excuse because the doubt has been there even before the dream.

    Make up your mind and if you don't want to marry please do not waste his time.

  15. I think the dream is just an excuse, the doubts has been there even before the dream.

    Follow your heart and take your brain along. Is this the man you would like to spend the rest of your life with, if the answer is yes, then go ahead. If no, please stop wasting his time.

  16. The dreams might just be your sub conscious acting itself out. You need to ask yourself some hard questions and be very honest with yourself. Do you really love him? Not the love we see in the movies and not the love that we tell ourselves when we try to rationalize being with someone. Does he make you happy? And i don't mean that giddy type of feeling that comes when you see something or someone you like. Does your inner being, the very essence of you want to be with him? If not, that is what is causing the doubts. When you are with him, do you know,deep in your soul, that he is the one you want to spend the rest of your life with? Do not try to make yourself say yes because he cares about you and he loves you, he sounds like a great guy, but is he great for you? Don't look at the things he does or how sweet he is,because one day, he will sense that you do not love him as much as he loves you or even close.One day you may feel trapped and ask yourself why you did not listen to that inner voice.

    When you went back to him, was it because you missed the relationship or him. Him being the person. Did you miss the very essence of him, or did you miss the fact that you had a boyfriend and that familiar feeling of having someone to talk to everyday. Ask yourself if someone else comes along and gives you that same attention, will you miss him as much?

    At this point you have to think of YOU and your happiness. Because believe me, if you go into a marriage like this, you may (MAY oh, not will) end up resenting him for not being the person you really want him to be and you will spend the rest of your life managing a situation that could have been avoided and he will always feel like you settled with him. No man wants that.

    He sounds like a good person, but a broken relationship is better than a broken marriage.

    You have to do some serious and truthful (and maybe painful) soul searching and be very honest with yourself.

    And most importantly, give God the driver's seat, this is very important, believe me. Don't allow any of you to steer the relationship, let God do it and give Him free reign, you will be surprised at what He can do.

    So put on your big girl panties and deal with this (by yourself!)

  17. Very interesting post and responses. I wouldnt know what to say or add considering thqt i ambin a similar situation. *sigh*


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