Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Dear Myne, How can I leave him after 5 Years?

Posted in: , , ,

I met my fiance during my first week at university. I had just started attending a private Christian school, one of the best in the country and some of my friends and family members advised me to look out for good young men who were marriage material. That day we met, I was having some problems during my registration and he was one of those helping us. When we struck up a friendship after that, I was so happy to have met such an smart, interesting and best of all, Christian guy so soon.

He was in third year and was the course rep in his class, and he was studying engineering. He was the worship leader and soloist in the choir of our fellowship, and it turned out we attended the same church. Everyone in the church, including the pastor respected him and he was always friendly and respectful.

He was also respectful to me. We started officially dating in my second year when he was in final year and have been together since. We got very close and he proved to be a real Christian and respected my wishes to remain celibate till marriage. We were best friends and everyone knew us together, including our respective families.

When he graduated and went for youth service, it was tough but I had school and my friends to keep me company. He also visited often and luckily, he came back and soon got a job in Lagos. Just before I graduated, he proposed and of course, I said yes. We did a small introduction with just close family before I went for my NYSC. The plan was that we would do the full engagement and wedding after my service.

That year seemed like the longest year of my life. I was supposed to be planning my wedding but I was all the way up north in Zamfara. Also, I started feeling like my relationship to my fiance was not as close as it used to be. I heard he was not as active in the church as he used to be and when I asked him, he was not happy and later said it was because he was very busy at work. That was also his excuse for not calling me more often, or helping me with the wedding planning.

Things improved after I got back a few months ago. We reconciled and went into top gear for the wedding and preparing for married life. I still lived with my parents but visited him often, and sometimes spent weekends. However we still stuck to our celibacy agreement.

Last week, I was over at his and he was late coming home from work. I decided to browse with his laptop and when I opened the browser, an adult x-rated website was open and the video he had been watching was paused. The title was disgusting and when I resumed play, the actions were worse.

I was in shock! When he came back, I didn't say anything but just pointed to the open page on the laptop. He immediately fell to his knees and started begging me. He blamed the devil and asked me to understand. He reminded me that we were abstaining and that he was using that to stop himself from cheating. He confessed too that some of those sites had forums and he sometimes would chat and exchange private pictures and messages with the women on them. It was not a Nigerian site though so he had never met any of them in real life. He promised to stop immediately.

I left soon after and for days after, I never called him and when he called I either did not answer or just greeted him and hung up soon after. His apologies sounded fake and it just wasn't enough. I was numb, our 5 years together appeared to had been all a lie. The Christian man I had been looking forward to marrying was no more and now I had this sex addict. He might not see porn and masturbation and chatting with strange women as cheating, but they were to me. From what I hear about those things, they very difficult to stop and affects who you are.

Also, he would now expect me to be like those women? Who knows what he has imbibed into him by watching those things and how they will affect our marriage if we go ahead. I don't know how to move ahead. If I break up with him, what do I tell our families? If I stay, how can I trust him again?










50 comments:

  1. Oh girl, ask your self this question: can i cope with this in marriage? be honest with yourself and make your decision

    ReplyDelete
  2. I don't think this is such a big problem if he hasn't physically been with other women. Its unfortunate he fell off the christian wagon but then again we are all humans arent we?
    Sweetie he is a man and most men just cant do without having a sexual release. The good thing is he didnt pressure you into doing what you didnt want to do all these while which i kindda give him credit for, cos most men would have left you long ago or emotionally blackmailed you into doing it when you werent ready.
    You guys can work it out unless there is something else he has done.

    meanwhile you have a standard to live up to *wink wink* That is one downside to porn.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Awww really tough one there. Buh i think communication helps alot in relationships...he agreed to stay celibate cos he luvs u buh he got tempted along d line. u shud forgive him but going on with d wedding plans depends on both of u. Talk about it, he may be genuinely sorry. and after talking to each other and being sincere about d whole issue, u cud get back together. Evry couple has frictions ..ds is urs.. ask God to help u handle it properly .5yrs isnt a joke. Goodluck!

    ReplyDelete
  4. I am working on a story that deals with this issue kinda, its my best friends story. I've been on the both sides, looking at it from being the one to judge people that a porn addicts and also being there for my friend. He opened up to me and told me about what he was going through, I must add that he is a goood christian he is my voice of reasoning and my pastor, you know always reminding you to read your bible and pray. My friend cannot talk to anyone else about it because he is ashamed of it.

    I realised that it is a demon and trust me as much as they do this there is double the guilt that they face, I would advise you hear him out and let him tell you about it, listen and don't judge, probably when he needs you the most and leaving him is NOT going to be the solution, there must be a reason you stayed for 5years right? Why ruin it because of an imperfection?

    I am not the one to give advise and all, this just hits close to home!

    ReplyDelete
  5. I think you should forgive him and you guys should talk about it. If he is really sorry then maybe you should just go on with your wedding plans at least he wasn't cheating with another woman. But it all depends on u sha and how much you love him.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Selfish is the first word that comes to mind but I am not saying you are.
    As a christian, wont your God be happier with you when you keep this apparently good man and help him through his weak moment?

    When you get married, what would be wrong with him wanting you to be like those women he was watching online? What if that is how God made him and that is what he needs from his wife?

    ReplyDelete
  7. Well... I have quite strong opinions so I'll try to distill them into bullet points so I don't come across as judgemental or patronising.

    1. The guy was wanking on his laptop, not screwing some other woman. Things could be MUCH worse.

    2. Even if we try to understand that what matters most is the feeling of betrayal his action evoked and not the action itself, it still comes down to this. He messed up. There is no guarantee that if you leave him, the next guy won't mess up too... Even to a more severe extent. It is inevitable that the people you love the most are going to betray/hurt/disappoint you whether knowingly or unknowingly. If your solution is to dump them everytime this happens, as my Yoruba people say, wa pe n'be.

    3. Viewing a 5 year relationship in the context of one mistake is ridiculously harsh. If there are other factors forcing you to reconsider the marriage, then you might have a case. But suddenly doubting your whole relationship because of one transgression is not very Christian. Think about it. If the tables were turned and you happened to mess up once, would it be fair for your man to decide the entire relationship was no longer worth it?

    We need to chill out with our impossibly high standards sometimes. We're dating our fellow human beings. Not angels.

    ReplyDelete
  8. wow.... A guy stays 5 years and doesn't sleep with you or with anybody, first,he is not normal,5 years????????? Don't make celibacy too long when you're in a relationship, most especially if you're kissing and stuff, I can't really blame the guy,put yourself in his shoes,you can break up with him if you wish and lose a good man, but please don't blame him. #IMO

    ReplyDelete
  9. I don't really think breaking up with him is the best idea. Instead you should help him out of that habit. With your help things will work out fine. I mean you can't just throw a 5 year relationship simply because of porn. www.porn-free.org will help with the porn addiction. Please don't loose a good man over the devil's handwork.

    ReplyDelete
  10. This is a difficult position to be in but I must say this is a common problem in the church and this is why I advocate that people should not date forever if they have chosen not to have sex, your fiance is a human being, men are not built to be close to a woman but then go home and sleep it off.

    Saying that I will advise you to put the wedding on hold to be sure that your fiance is truly repentant and that the behavior has stopped. I know women who are married to men who are addicted to porn or had been addicted to porn, they have a tough time of it, I can't even begin to go into the degrading things some of them ask their wives to do, this makes the woman feel dirty and it terribly affects their self esteem and when the wife won't do it, they find someone else who will, even men of God!

    The other problem with men who are accustomed to masturbating is that they come to find sex with a woman unsatisfying, sorry to be graphic but regardless of how tight a woman is, the amount of pressure applied by the hand still cannot be equaled. For a particular woman, after sex, her husband still have to pull out and finish up the job with his hand because he's conditioned himself that way, can you imagine that scenario, it makes the woman feel like crap like she's not enough for him and it's not even her fault.

    The good news is for this couple, they were able to heal from it, it was hard but the man was determined to make his marriage work that he made himself accountable to people they can trust, it took many years though before their sex life returned to normal if you can even call it that, and the struggle to stay away from porn is constant for him.

    Marriage is hard as it is, so to go into it knowing there's a problem will be even more difficult. The decision is yours really but if you decide to go into it, be prepared to stand by him on what will be a difficult journey possibly for the rest of your lives. I'd like to refer you to this article about sexual imprinting, feel free to browse the rest of the site, they have some good information: http://www.laughyourway.com/blog/the-damage-of-sexual-promiscuity/. Good luck.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Fistly you must have peace in your spirit to marry your fiance. Secondly if you have that peace seek a christian conunsellor(not family members or friends).Plesae do not keep quiet about these things,if not sorted out in time it can get very messy in the future. Do not rush into the marraige until both of you have resolved the this or other underlying isssues and be open for the sirit of God to lead both of you.

    ReplyDelete
  12. i dont know... mixed reactions sha...
    Initially, I thought wow, babes that your sign right there.

    Me i dont believe in excuses I like upfront and honest people. We do things because we chose too not because the devil forced you. Pls pple play church and play God. its all about you and your choices. It would be nice if he said " he liked watching it and had enjoyed it but it was difficult for him to stop" and quite frankly if you had not caught him, he would have carried on and perhaps initiate all the acts he had seen in the stuff in the marriage.

    There a spiritual demons and there are human demons. the demon in this case could be HIMSELF. we like to blame and fail to take responsibility.

    About a man being celibate for 5 years? is not normal. to that person that said it or others that think such, lol. It is normal and perfectly sane. What is not normal is making what is normal abnormal (u get me). Seriously, they are people that have made vows not to engage in any form of sexual acts including masturbating etc. People that are not even religious abstain for personal reasons so pls.....

    Am a strong believe in motives and everything we do stems from the mind. it is not until we have seen the act that we are guilty. I consider any form of sexual fantasies with another person not your spouse including you exchanging flirtatious comment WRONG. WRONG. is it fair?? Will you be happy if someone did that to you? No you wont. so why do it.

    Babes take a break, clear your head, PRAY. Pls people change at their own will. Change is a process, you can help facilitate but until the person in question is convicted, I tell you your efforts might be in vain. Convictions keeps them in check that is why change is a process.

    Pray to God. if your relationship has been God centered, pray for clarity and help and guidance.

    I will say chill on the wedding, find who you are and commit all in God hands.

    OLD HABITS DIE HARD....

    The holyspirit will direct you. If he is the one CHILL, if he is not the one CHILL.Salvation is the ultimate not marriage or career or any other thing so pls CHILL and let things work out. AMEN.

    JESUS BEST.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm with you DOHK. People do make mistakes, and as Christians, we sometimes find ourselves caught up in the web of sin. He shouldn't have allowed himself get drawn into porn but its happened. There's no point judging him, but you need to decide if its something you can handle.

      When we say because it hasn't culminated into the physical act, he gets points, I stop to wonder if this isn't cheating as well? The deed is done in the mind long before n many times before its physical. Whether physical or emotional, whats wrong is wrong.

      I believe its an issue that can be resolved and overcome if both parties are willing to help each other.....esp if the guy is ready to do the work. Take time off the wedding plans for now, pray a lot n communicate with each other. Get help, spiritual n some counselling. There are materials n sites that help porn addicts online.....look them up. Accountability is also very important. Its a weakness that can be turned into a strength.

      Delete
  13. when i started reading i was like "is this girl kidding me right now? break off your marriage because you caught him watching porn? like he wasn't humping a real girl damnit" but at the end i have to admit he was wrong cause that is cheating and uncleanliness...my only advice TALK ABOUT IT!!! like seriously that is the best solution. when i mean talk...talk A LOT 'how long he has been doing it, is he an addict, if he is willing to stop and others. At least for starters he admits he is wrong. We can't decide if you should leave him if that is up you.

    I applaud you guys for agreeing to be celibate till marriage...most people on here are talking about how guys can't do without sex but what about girls? I am a girl and i know sometimes i get REALLY horny and i just want to do unspeakable things to the guy i am in love with but i do resist the temptation and no i am not "devil's child" or a "bad christian". IT IS HUMAN NATURE! "it is innate/inborn" like there are so many things ( like hormones, nerves) that are involved in this sexual feeling that our bodies can't control sometimes BUT the important thing is being able to RESIST and OVERCOME it. Talk to him sweetie and yes he is very wrong for doing that.

    And maybe if you want to leave him it would be maybe because he is slacking in his christain/religious ways....you mentioned he was really good back in school but since he started work, he has been claiming to be too busy. I can tell you to leave him for that but definitely not because you caught him watching porn :)

    SLN

    ReplyDelete
  14. I am guessing that you're young and relatively inexperienced. But marriage is more serious than the sometimes trivial boyfriend - girlfriend relationship. There be a lot of mistakes and a lot of forgiving and a lot of adjustments to be made.

    Trust me, it is a bad sign to have your mind boggled with fears and worries, even when there's nothing concrete, nothing outrageous you can declare and get sympathy and support for; even when it's just chillingly disturbing, ineffable fear. Think again, really reconsider. Don't ignore your woman's intuition. Perhaps, there's more conflict within than there is without. But you have to listen to your heart and make sure you're at peace with the idea of saying 'i do'.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Unman pron is a very strong habit to break. I think the girl should back down a bit n they should talk about it then decide what they want to do. For being celibate for 5years isn't insane.
    Www.secretlilies.blogslot.com

    ReplyDelete
  16. *rolls eyes* Mscheww... All u "christian" people haf tire me. So he watches porn and that automatically makes him a sex addict?

    My best advice to you is to break up with him and go and find another church boy to marry within 3 months. LOL...Ok seriously i have no advice for you cos guys who like to watch porn will watch it regardless of whether they are having sex or not.
    LOL @ wanting to watch porn is cos of a demon. Wetin person no go see for comments. Naija people!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. haha exactly what i said Sting, he watches porn and he is now un-marriable? that is hilarious.... i would understand if she came home and he was having sex with the dog or something. let him watch porn, if he isnt addicted to it, and maybe when they start having sex, she can watch the kind of porn that he likes soo she can get pointers or something.

      Delete
    2. Oya, hi5 esp for d last sentence. U hv to spice it up, u know. Lol

      Delete
  17. Marriage is all about forgiveness, if you are not ready to forgive then you are not ready for marriage. Take it to God in prayers and follow the leading of the Holy Spirit. Stop being self righteous, a sin is a sin whether porn or lies. A man does not need to watch porn to have wild sexual fantasies which he would expect his wife to fulfil. If you are going ahead with the wedding, Sex in marriage is not dirty, have an open mind and be ready to explore when the time comes.

    ReplyDelete
  18. well,i fink u should forgive him and go on,cos if u go into anoda relationship it might be worse den u end up sleeping with d man u neva knew.i believe wen u make love with him things will really change ok.just take a bold step and stop

    ReplyDelete
  19. This is just the beginning of forgiving and mending till death do us part. Do not relent.

    ReplyDelete
  20. Ummm.. I'm sorry that this is going to sound harsh, but as a Christian woman, should you be judging other people? Shouldn't you have it in your heart to forgive and love the sinner but not the sin?

    From what I've heard people go through bigger problems in marriage and if you're not able to get past this one hurdle then maybe you're not meant to be with this man.

    Foolow your heart though, in all things do what makes you happy. But think about this, if you love him, isn't it better that you marry him and help him rededicate his life to Christ as opposed to dumping him which might cause him to spiral even more?

    Also, what exactly do you mean by "be like all those women"? If he's watching what you consider to be "normal" sexual acts, then once you're married you're free to do all that. God gave us sex to procreate. But if you're absolutely adamant that you don't want to do what you saw then sit down and talk to him about it.

    Not answering his calls isn't going to help your situation. Communication is the biggest asset in a relationship. Use it.

    ReplyDelete
  21. One more thing, I think you should think about what it means that you don't believe him when he promised he would stop. Is that a lack of trust on your part? Trust is another key thing in relationships.

    ReplyDelete
  22. If you cant trust him then move on because trust is the key to any successful relationship

    http://trendysturvs.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  23. lmao....Wow I'm so surprised. I clicked this article expecting to read that he cheated on you or laid his hands on you, but woe, all he did was watch porn. The fact that he watches porn now makes him a sex addict. Wow. like madame sting said, leave him and go marry a church boy. Like what?!?!? You want to break up with him because he watches porn. Wowzers...Wonders will never end. Search yourself m'lady. You seriously haven't cheated (in your definition) in the past 5 years?!?!? had emotional affairs with other men??!?!?! You sound like you're 21 years old or less. Get a grip!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. here! here! seriously, it was just a website. lol. I laughed so hard after reading this. so sanctimonious. lol

      Delete
  24. I just pass by here but today I have to come back and comment because I found myself thinking about this all day.

    Nigerians and hypocrisy don tire me seriously. Someone actually said a guy not sleeping with you for 5 years is normal and said stop making normal things abnormal. Let us stop hiding under the clout of christianity and religion and be honest with ourselves. So Christian brothers are not horny abi? Their honrniess will only be activated after they marry not after they reach puberty.Nigerians don tire me.

    How old were people in the bible getting married?They married young and early too but you made this grown man wait for 5 years and you now wonder why he had to find release somehow. Your excuse is that he was meant to be a christian. My advice leave him because it would be in his best interest for you to do so. He doesnt need a wife who is more concerned about her idea of what a Christian should be like instead of who a christian really is.

    The only thing the guy did wrong was not to let you know that he was struggling with the celibacy decision you both made and how you needto quicken the wedding plans. The bible says it is better to marry than to be burning with passion.

    Overall, we cannot change the principles of the bible to fit the modern times. However we can change our lives to fit the principles in the bible. So my point is, these people should have married a long time ago. 5 years celibacy is nearly impossible in the world that we live in today.

    ReplyDelete
  25. Why so harsh? Why so quick to leave? There's no perfect person dear. He messed up. Forgive him. Pray for him. We all have our weaknesses. Yours may be thinking you are perfect.

    ReplyDelete
  26. Hahahahahaha..... i personally think that home girl is over reacting..... Everyone Guy watches some form of porn, and yes, Guys who are celibate are still allowed to masturbate. she doesn't need to worry about that, the only problem would be if he is addicted to Porn or if he likes some sort of porn that might seem perverse to her.... i think she should let her hair down and actually watch a little bit of it whenever she starts having sex, it may bring her up to speed on things that her man might like.
    but what do i know, im just a random internet blogger expressing my thoughts.

    ReplyDelete
  27. If there isn't any other reason other than porn, I'd suggest you pray very well and ask God for direction. What is God saying about the relationship? What has He said in times past? That's important than the weakness you have just discovered. I tell you, there are still many more you would find...and the same goes for you too. No man/woman born of woman is without weaknesses... #my2Cents

    ReplyDelete
  28. I find it amusing and appuling that Nigerians α̲̅я̩̥̊ε̲̣̣̣̥ not seeing anything wrong in porn. I don't want to call names.
    Lady, my word is that its not enof reason not to marry him.
    Am a christain who believes in celibacy. Ask him to go tru a councelling session with a pastor you can trust. You guys should ask the lord 2 help him break d addiction.
    Wetin remaainn?
    Oso Eligwe adiro easy

    ReplyDelete
  29. Go ahead girl! Break up with him and lose a PRECIOUS man to your so-called high standards. A man who has shown true regard, love and patience is worth losing because of a bad habit? You called a relationship of five years a lie because of his single bad habit, as if you don't have yours! Unless you're not telling the whole truth, but if this is the only reason you're considering ending a relationship of five years, then I wish you luck.

    ReplyDelete
  30. Its a tough decision. Yes, porn is addictive and may affect your relationship with any man. You need to ensure that he is truly repentant before continuing the relationship. He may be having issues with his christian life. So be careful

    ReplyDelete
  31. I won't be surprised to find that most of the commentators saying go ahead and don't lose a good man are singles, what is good about a man who is addicted to porn?

    If you go ahead without finding a solution to this first, your life will be miserable.

    I hope for your sake that married women who have first hand experience with a spouse addicted to porn will read this story and advise you accordingly.

    Some even advised you to watch the porn with him, how lovely will it be to make love to a man who is doing it with the image in his head and just sees the woman underneath him as a slab of meat, porn teaches men to use women and that's what he will do to you.

    It's even more amusing that a lot of the people egging you on are women, so it means these girls will happily marry men who are addicted to porn, good luck to you all.

    Someone else said he may not be addicted to porn, he just watches it, I laughed at this in particular, first rule of addiction, denial.
    Porn has devastating effects in marriages, if it's available where you are, go to a divorce court and read how many women cite irreparable damage due to porn use by their spouse as a reason for divorce. Porn is to a man's mind what alcohol is to an alcoholic, destructive, it teaches to use women, not learn to form proper intimacy with spouse, men like this make lousy lovers despite all their porn use! Unless the man is truly repentant, once the regular porn he's watching is not enough anymore, they look for more and more for stimulation.

    Someone said what is the big deal, he did not sleep with a real woman? eventually he will, you think men who go on the street picking up prostitutes started one day? they started somewhere.

    I'm sorry if I sound harsh dear but I have seen too many times the damage porn does to a marriage even to the point of affecting the children.
    I don't have any advise for you as to whether you should go on or not but I know if the women who have this first hand experience of the damage had a chance, they would have run for their lives.
    If you can, find women who have had these problems and hear it from their mouth before you make any decisions.

    Many claim that 5 years of dating the guy is no joke and don't throw it away, try 1 year of a hell of a marriage and you'd have happily lay the 5 years down. You're not married yet, a broken engagement is far better than a hellish marriage.
    All the best.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I know I'm a little late but I just wanted to say God bless you for this comment. Porn is no good and has never helped anybody.

      Delete
    2. I completely agree! I could write a book about my husband's addiction.

      Delete
  32. Emm...I'm a lady in ma late twenties. I got introduced to porn as early as 12yrs old n I was addicted for a while. I tried to practise what I saw also...blah blah! Dats all in d past now, ma fiance got me a vibrator which I hardly use. I told him all abt me n e didn't judge n dump me in a hurry. Iv bin celibate for 9 hard months but I did it! We r gettn married in a few days. I hurt him cheating on me but I didn't judge n dump him. We v got weaknesses as humans bt only God can give u strent if u ask him. I like d new me n I'd ask u to stop bin religious n b christlike. Even Jesus didn't judge n dump sinners, rather e helped dem, dere is strent whr two or three r gathered. Make up ur mind n stick wid d plan, Gods best

    ReplyDelete
  33. lol...interesting post.
    For me, the issue I have is that the writer "hunted" down the guy. What is a 100 level girl looking for a serious relationship for knowing fully well that she wants to be celibate before marriage? Why tempt yourself and why put unnecessary pressure on your partner?

    If it was that it was a case of "I met this guy, he met me, we love each other, we started dating in 100 level" kalas! I have no problem with that. But you went into school with the intention of finding a marriageable man. Tell me what you know marriage means that you think you are mature enough to dissect a marriageable man. Is it going to church, being respected by the pastor and being a soloist that makes a man marriageable? Your elder cousins did not do you well with that advise at all.

    Anyway, that is all water under the bridge. He shared pictures over the internet with other women and most likely had vulgar impure conversations with them...that is the issue I believe and that is what you need to think about, if you can forgive and get over the pain of that oh well...its up to you.

    Flee...there is a reason why it is mentioned that we should flee. Watching porn is not a sin until the impure thoughts come into the picture. If he had seen the first video and "fled", it wouldn't have gotten to the point of exchanging pictures and joining sex forums online.

    Let's all be wise in this our christian race and stop giving people reasons to doubt our sincerity.


    @the person above who said the guy must have been having sex that 5 years is too long *rme* not everyone MUST have sex. Your cross is not someone else's cross. As much as we all get horny, someone else might be relatively stronger in resisting than you so don't make such general classifications I guess.

    ReplyDelete
  34. He watches porn but that doesn't make him unmarriable, IF you trust him and TALK about it. Overall, TRUST TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS and INTUITION. Search within yourself to find the answer, it will never fail you.

    lazioman.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  35. I tink u pple sud stop judgeing coz not until u are in her shoe u will not no wat she is passing thru as a xtian she sud not marry a guy dat watch porn coz porn is a sin...but if only she stay with him to change is ways pray with him then they can get marry but i will advice u dont consider marriage now

    ReplyDelete
  36. Dude is a struggling christian and that happens. A saint is just a sinner who fell down. Of course, you shouldn't marry a man with vices that you don't like. What is the foundation of your relationship? Were you sure at one time that God had given you this man? You guys need to talk --- how can you support him in getting his standing back? in fact, you can view this as your christian duty not just because you want to marry him.
    Remind him how these things are offensive to God and how he can be restored to God and how he needs to be accountable to someone in order to sustain his abstinence.

    ReplyDelete
  37. Don't marry him until he completes counseling. My husband has a porn addiction that I didn't tknow about until after we married. Some men can just watch it from time to time, but others become addicted. Make sure you know where he is before you marry.

    We've been married 8 years and his addiction has caused most of our problems.

    ReplyDelete
  38. Pls u don not have a problem abeg, is when he is not watching such things that u should be worried belive me.am a lady like u and am telling u that watching porn is cool for his age, everyone does it. Even my pastor abeg, and is mostly guys that ent sleeping around that watch a lot of porn. So ur safe.

    ReplyDelete
  39. Christians and their comments hmm.. Ok let's paint different scenarios, if you are married to a man/woman with a higher libido/sex drive than you--and by higher I mean 3x a day person 7days of the week--and you obviously can't cope how do you expect your partner to also cope with your inadequacies or lower sex drive? Now for a man(I believe women are slightly different) with that kind of sex drive, weder em be Jesus 13th disciple believe me he must seek release and how can he get it if you can't keep up? Ofcos by cheating or masturbation using porn so make a choice..
    P.S remember that no counselling can reduce someone's sex drive b4 una go say make e meet pastor for counselling... As for d gal, if she's reading this then me and I know there's something else...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Let me be the advocate for sincereity. I am a man and I believe in privacy, specially on personal issues. My take on this is that, very often women invade the privacy of their men, boyfriends, husbands etc....by not asking permission to use your man's laptop, or some women say "I found the email open etc."...You should have asked if it would be alright to use his computer? If he were not there at the time, you could have telephoned and asked him. I feel there is always a can of worms tha opens up when you initiate an action that MAY have an ulterior motive behind it...I am not saying that she was looking for something fishy or anything...but deep down there might be some ulterior motives that deeply moved her to use something as private as a laptop or IPhone or a personal item without asking for permission first. What was the context of the situation when you used the computer? Was here there with you and was not around but you went ahead and decided to use the computer? I feel there are always deeper issues within us that we always turn away from in the name of seeking the faults of others.

      After all, I think you should also apologyize to him for using his personal laptop without asking for his permission first. Then both of you can be on same grounds as to what this issue is all about. He might address breaking his privacy by you and you can address breaking your expectation and trust (in the sexual matter) by him. This opens the way for a real and honest and sincere address to the two actions that caused the entire situation. Why didn't you stop when you discovered the webpage? Why did you go ahead and watched too? Isn't that like watching porn too? If you had stopped right there and then, you might have had a higher moral ground than him and then you can address this as a fault of character to him, rather than cheating? But because you also watched, I believe both of your characters need to be rexamined under the light of breaking a moral code by both of you. In this aspect you are on similar predicament or paradox?

      Face the whole issue open heatedly and communicate your, both yours and his, ulterior motives.

      Open communication and honest digging deeper for ulterior motives might open up intimacy and higher levels of connections between the two of you. It is kind of like reaching, after 5 years, another level of deeper connection between your two souls, which soon after the marriage might transform into as well a deeper connection physically, because on the physical side, both you and him are still on the unknown about your level of itimacy and physical connection. Off course this in marriage deepens as the years go by between the husband and wife.
      Sincerely,

      Seeker of the Ulterior Love Supreme...

      Delete
  40. Are u kiddin me, she shld av asked for permission.....like seriously ...lol, dats wat u've got to say

    ReplyDelete

Click Post a Comment to share your thoughts, I'll love to hear from you. Thanks!

*Comments on old posts are moderated and may take sometime to be shown. That's just because I want to see them and respond to you if necessary.