Saturday, October 27, 2012

Infertility, Bravery, Building Networks of Support

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Sometimes the unfairness of my infertility bugs me and I am tempted to compare. Why is that teenager having a child after just one sexual encounter and after years of loving sex with my husband, I can't? How could that 60 years old woman who did IVF in South Africa have had twins and I had a failed IVF? Atala and I had been pretty decent human beings, so why did we have to suffer this delay and difficulty is building our family?

Then I think about it, and I realize that God did not make a mistake when he chose me. Some women are devastated by infertility but that is not me. Some women have husbands that would taunt them with their condition or even throw them out, again, that is not me.

Sometimes we have a problem, and we get locked down in bitterness at the unfairness of it all. We imagine we know what people will say, and we judge them even before they have the opportunity to judge us. We forget to look around, and see that we do have support. God is our rock, and he usually places helpers around us. We need to learn to allow people to help us. And we need to reach out and accept that support.

If that support is really not available, you can also tap into the strength in you and build one. Yes, I am by no means brave, but I told myself, you can do it. I am still not brave. Every day as I think of publishing these posts, thoughts of doubt cloud my mind. Of course I know there is judgement, and some of the responses make me realize some are not really reading. But I still press publish. Why?

Because I definitely can feel the support from you guys. It is like crowd surfing, you throw your self out there with faith, but also with fear, and there is amazing joy when you feel the arms around you, catching you, touching you, moving you forward. It's just awesome.

I also know for sure that one or two people are reading and are being touched by these posts. But I have to say that sometimes, you need more tangible support. So you may need to seek out more support groups you can join locally. And in the case of couple infertility, you may need to share that support with a spouse. Someone said in one of the past comments that Atala is an angel, LOL...he's certainly not a saint, but yes without his support, the story may have been different.

While infertility is a not easy on anyone, and it definitely is not for us, I thank God for how far he has brought us. Some say I am very brave and all that, but that's not really it. Like someone said in one of the past comments, "all in all its a credit to the society you live in and the kind of man your husband is and also your in laws and a testament to how loving and close knit your family is". I couldn't have said it better.

And when I see it like that, I’m OK that I'm the one going through this. He is a wise God, and I trust that His plans and purposes in my life are just being worked out. Thank you all for being part of the journey.

And the story continues.









42 comments:

  1. It's so sad to know you have to go through this. But like you mentioned, God knows best.
    You are a strong woman and I know you can pull through this. You have no idea what everyone has to go through to make it through this struggle called life. It might be different for the young teenager, or the 60 year old, but everybody has their own struggles. It just hits everyone differently, on those places that'd matter most. At the end of the day, it gives us an insight to how appreciative we should be for all our blessings.
    This too shall pass, Myne. It's not the end until it's beautiful.
    xo

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  2. this post came direct from your heart and it's not a bad thing for you to feel the way you do because you are human. I believe your story is changing lives , so don't ever think you are being judged by readers. Sometimes sharing your story can even open up a door of healing for you and as i keep saying all the time, your testimony is on the way. Just never doubt God, keep being yourself, don't give up on love and kids. Everything is working out for good. you will be a mother and a fun one too. Hang on to your faith, love, husband , everything is working out for good.

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  3. Yesterday, this couple came to see my husband and I. They had been looking for children for a long time. She had grey hair so at first I though he married a woman older than him, until he explained that the grey hair his wife has was as a resulting of her constant worrying, anguish,depression, and crying. It's not easy not to worry;you wouldn't be human not to. But in the end, she, the man's wife, just took in one fine day after so many years and they have twins. I kept looking at these twins and I thought of you.
    Myne, your time is around the corner, don't let stress and strain delay it.. Just keep doing what you do best and be that sunshine your Husband loves!.
    Cheers and Happy Birthday!

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  4. Myne.... sometimes words fail me oo.

    I like how you are real about it, how you think and not hiding the fact you desire and compare. You are HUMAN after all. It certainly not fair that some of us will throw a baby away in the bin and yet some are trusting and believing for their own miracle..

    Its tough and it will get tough on some days and easier on some days.

    We believe and pray for a miracle and we hope that some if not all the testimonies we hear will be ours one day. We continue to live for that hope because it can take long and one will grow weary but it does not mean we should not be thankful and appreciate what we have in the mean time. It is easier said than done but there is always hope and I pray we will hold on to that tiny tiny tiny hope whenever we feel sad or weary.

    I am GOD in the good, bad and ugly. HE IS, I THAT I AM. The ONE that changes things but never changes. The ONE that opens the DOOR when its closes, THE ONE that can only re-write the story that has been close. The GOD that cannot be comprehended or put in a box, THE ALPHA AND OMEGA, THE EVERLASTING TO EVERLASTING, THE GIVER AND TAKER. THE GREATEST REWARDER will reward you and as many as are believing. I pray God will direct your footsteps and continue to build your home.

    PLS STAY ENCOURAGED MYNE... xxx

    pls never understand the power of love around you and BLOGSVILLE LOVES YOU. NEVER FORGET... XXXXXX

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  5. You definitely have love on hee. I admire your strength also but I also really do admire Atala's strength. Love is a beautiful thing and I know that God would grant you both your heart desires. Kisses boo and hope you had an awesome bday? Love you.

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  6. I can just feel your heart pour out in this post. Thank you for sharing.

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  7. I recently came upon your blog, and my husband and I are going through the same struggle as you and your husband. I've thought this same thing myself -- that I am lucky because I do have a husband who loves me no matter what, and who will do whatever it takes for us to achieve our dream of parenthood. I also know that we would love an adopted child just as much as a biological one. We are also generally flexible and cheerful people who can always find happiness in the little things. All of these things have suited us to this challenge. I appreciate you sharing here, it takes a lot of courage to write about infertility. I hope that we all become parents soon.

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    1. I hope and pray so too. I also think it helps to be flexible, and keeping up the cheer, invaluable. Thanks for your comment.

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  8. Sharing your faith in God is an encouragement to others and a testimony of His greatness. I believe He allows us to go through trials to be a witness to others of His faithfulness. I have a close friend who experienced infertility also. Her husband was a great source of support & strength. While the two of them did not get pregnant, she called me Christmas Eve 5 years ago and informed me 3 little boys were being placed in their home. They have since adopted them & have also welcomed a former foster daughter (young adult) back into their home with her baby. Their family continues to expand & they have been blessed in spite of their issues with infertility. My prayer is that you and your husband will continue to be blessed in the midst of it all.

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    1. Amen! Thanks for sharing that amazing story. Thank you.

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  9. Hang in there dear, God is on his throne. My sister is going through the same thing and has been for OVER Ten years. Her biggest consolation is her husbands support [her inlaws are another story] Waiting is hard and there are time i have no words to encourage her because it sounds like she's heard it all but where can we go from the Love of God? We have to hold on because as surely as he is God, our/her/your change too shall come.

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  10. I pray God grants you all your heart desires.

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  11. This too shall pass..... God knows best and no good thing will he withold from his children. This phase is preparing you for the joy ahead. God is using your story to bring hope to several other families who are going throuth this challenge. Your testimony is obviously close by.

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    1. Thank you all so much. God is always faithful.

      @Anon, I do not know your sister and her full story of course, but I do wish waiting couples also reach out for other options to building their family.

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  12. Keep pressing forward, don't stop. God is still in the business of answering prayers and he will grant you your heart desires concerning conception IJN. Today was one of my low moments and i poured my heart out to God in church, weeping uncontrollably, not minding who was seeing my tears. It happens once in a while and today was one of those days. Am 11yrs + in marriage with 4 failed IVF( one in US, 3 in Europe). I can't conceive naturally cos of blocked tubes. One of the tubes was removed in my last ivf, this August to boost my chances of conception as they confirmed some liquid that drips into the uterus could be killing the embryos planted. We are considering using a donor egg and a surrogate next yr. I begged hubby in 2010 to get another wife and let me go. I just couldn't stand his pain anymore. He vowed never to do so. In his word "God will not revealed to me clearly that u were my wife and now keep you from having children for me, except he's a liar, then will you not have my children" Those words has kept me till now.
    Myne, you are also blessed to have Atala. I feel better now as am writing this. I know my miracle twins is closer than when we first believed. Weeping may endure for the night but joy comes in the morning. You will carry your own children IJN. Shalom.

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    1. I stand with you in faith&say a big AMEN to your prayer.you'll testify to the goodness of God on the day you dedicate your children.God continue to bless your husband too.

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    2. Amen. I also pray that you and your husband will receive your blessing soonest. Hugs!

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  13. Myne dear, your time is coming. God hasn't forgotten about u. This too shall pass. Keep being the strong person that u are. May God grant both u and Atala your heart desires. Amen

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  14. Hi Myne,
    Please I'd like you to reply me because I don't want to misunderstand you or even judge you as I can never claim "understanding" what you are going through.
    Your posts are a bit unclear to me,do you believe you'll have kids biologically?do you mind us(your readers) praying with you that God shows himself to you?I have absolutely nothing wrong with adoption but it seems to me like you aren't optimistic about your IVF trials&you are planning for it to fail already...@ the risk of sounding insensitive,it's too early to give up after 2trials&less than 5years in marriage&it sounds to me like you are the one pushing the "adoption" suggestion Atala's way&he's just being a sweet&supportive husband....I'll like to humbly suggest that you don't give up that easily.Of course you can take a break from IVF if it becomes too emotionally demanding&you can't take it anymore but God forbid we hear Atala has a child outta wedlock in the future.The first thing he can say is "you weren't willing to try hard enough"&this posts will bear him witness
    I really really really wish you all the very best&as virtual as our relationship may be,all I want for you is genuine happiness.
    Loads&loads of love....am too much of a coward to leave my name...

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    1. Hi Anonymous, I will reply since I am going through the same thing as Myne so I have some insight into this subject. Infertility is a medical issue, and often can't be overcome by just waiting it out, the same way that a cancer patient can most likely not overcome cancer without treatment. And sometimes even medicine can't solve every problem.

      In terms of advising Myne to not giving up so easily, please keep in mind that Myne and Atala have already been struggling for many years. If IVF doesn't work for them, I would hate to think that they would needlessly spend many years living a childless life when they could adopt and become parents that way. I also don't think Myne's husband will go sleep with another woman if they adopt. If he is a loving husband, he won't do that, just as my own husband isn't going to have an affair because I have a medical condition that makes it difficult, if not impossible, for me to get pregnant. What kind of marriage would we have if he would even consider that?

      I know it is hard for those not going through infertility to understand, so hopefully my response will help you to understand what couples struggling with this devastating condition go through.

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    2. Thank you Lisa, you do speak my mind.

      @Anon, I have asked Atala that question and most of the things I post on this blog is where I believe we both are at this point in time. Our marriage is a partnership where we both support each other in different ways. I doubt he would have a child with another woman while we're still married, and without my knowledge.

      I don't believe living with infertility is about number of years waited or about faith dedicated to a particular option. Infertility like Lisa said is a medical condition, and I am taking treatment for it. One thing is for sure, it is more difficult for me to get pregnant than the average woman. With my personal diagnosis, the treatment may work today, it may work in 10 years, it may never work, or I might get pregnant naturally any day. No one knows.

      In the meantime though, Atala and I, as a couple, have agreed to explore other options of building a family rather than living child-free. I know we have loads of love to give and instead of throwing the time and resources to "more treatment", "waiting" or "praying", I choose to give it to a child who needs it.

      This is a personal choice, and may not be for everyone. Each couple that have to live with infertility, have to make this decision to suit their individual situation.

      For you as someone who loves and wants to support them, you may not understand, but you can try to just accept their choices - cheer them on and do not second-guess them.

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  15. It's only those who had been or going through infertility that can clearly understand the pain and how hard the delay can be.

    God will see you through and everyone who is currently waiting for miracle children from God.

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  16. I have been following your story Dearie,like you said please keep holding unto God , He only can make things that were not as though they were. If Sarai could still have Isaac, then am positive about you, if He could grant Hanna's request in Shiloh, He will grant yours, If He could grant Elizabehth, John He will grant your request too. To him who is able to do exceeding above what we ask of him. God will do it at his own time. He will make things beautiful in his time. Just keep trusting him, Dont loose hope or faith.. The joy will come when you least expect.. shalom...

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    1. Thanks Uji and Anne. God is indeed ever faithful.

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  17. Myne, I understand how you feel. But do not allow it to overwhelm you. In fact, I know that blogging about this is not an easy thing to do. In view of your writing genre, you must know Barbara Taylor-Bradford. You remind me of her. From my own observation, I don't think she has her own children. But, all the same, she is successful and is heavily involved in a variety of charity projects. If she is truly without children, it implies that she and her husband, Robert, have been living with it. Yes, since 1963! And that is almost 50 years ago! If they weren't happy, I strongly do not think they'd have been together all those years till today. It must have been a long and bumpy road for you and Atala, but I challenge both of you to pluck a leaf from the book of the married life of Barbara and Robert. Our culture and theirs are never the same, though. But you both just have to pluck a leaf. Better still, there are children out there that earnestly crave the love of adoptive moms and dads. Why don't you show some love to one or two of them, and see what the Lord can do? But I do not know how long you and Atala have been in wedlock. My mom and dad, for years, had no issue. According to an old aunt of mine, theirs were years of bickering, years of hopelessness, years of downright despair. But today, my mother has given birth to 8 of us. And I am the second, born 1972. And we love you and Atala. God exists, the God of Sarah, the God of Hannah, the God of Elizabeth. Jesus is alive, of course! Just surrender all to Him. Stay calm. Enough of this blog subject. Enough of those tears tucked away somewhere behind the facade of this blog. Be still, and/or perhaps show some love by adoption, and see what the Lord can do. You must draw strength from Him, and Him alone. Best wishes!!!

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    1. Thank you Obinna. I do know BTB, though never heard about this side of her life. It is indeed an eye opener. Atala and I are considering adoption, but we have agreed to give medical treatment a try first. We cannot wish away the pain in our lives just by stop talking about it. But we do choose to keep living and thanking God anyway.

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  18. Mayne just take a cyber hug... From me :*

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  19. Stay strong M.W
    Things can only get better, so never stop believing and smiling.

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  20. Thank you Yeva and Blogoratti. Hugs back :)

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  21. I smile because God is setting you up for so much, he's using you to minister to others and by obeying you'll surely be rewarded. I admire your strength to tell u story...thank God that you have an awesome support system...may God continue to uphold you and give u a divine testimony xoxo

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  22. Joyce Meyer said "Patience is not the ability to wait but the ability to keep a good attitude while waiting"...I love your attitude Myne, and that on its own, is a blessing to many.

    I love how you don't put up a mask of "I never think those thoughts" but rather choose to acknowledge them yet knowing that God surpasses all and His plans and purpose trumps all.

    I'm really glad for the support you have, most especially from Atala (God bless him). Its a tough walk, its crazier walking it alone. Our society makes it so difficult for women who are trusting God for the fruit of the womb, it makes it even harder for them to find joy in the everyday, but learn we must cos God forbid we loose our purpose for life because of this delay (Amen!!). But I'm excited Myne, cos I know, at the end of the day Myne, you'd make an amazing mom to amazing Children. Cant wait to share that joy with you :)



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  23. Myne, i know something for sure that God never does His good works late. Thank you for sharing how you feel, and as we share with you in the place of thankgiving, God will answer your heart desire for you own children.
    It's good to know how encouraged you are, and this counts greatly. There are lots of people who have built up faith through this message and the testimony times would come. Amen.

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  24. "For you as someone who loves and wants to support them, you may not understand, but you can try to just accept their choices - cheer them on and do not second-guess them"
    I am the Anon that asked for a response,i think this last phrase just summarises it for me.Thanks for responding

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  25. :) each post I read... i see a light at the end of the tunnel.. I just have faith that it will end well by God's grace. God who has given you strength so far will continue to strengthen you!

    It is the darkest before dawn... by His grace, your dawn will soon arrive. He who began a good work in your life will be faithful to complete it.. he started great things from your conception.. and great things including a quiver filler with children he will give you by God's grace! Love you loads hang in there.

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  26. I read through all the comments and i sigh. Am also going through this, is going to Eight (8) years now. Had 2 failed IVF and 1 failed IUI, it was as if the world was coming to an end but i have learn that in this period of waiting, is a time of patiently waiting on God. I have a very wonderful husband and i cant thank God enough.
    Mayne, have concluded to hold strongly to God and i believe that very soon, we will come back to this blog and share our testimonies of God's faithfulness. Please, i encourage you to hold on to God, He never fails. God bless you

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  27. I read through, I cried and I praised God because I'm sure you'll have your children. It's not merely because I wan to say something nice to you. It's because God says that "Your marriage will be a blessing, your children will surround tour table, you will see your children's children " He also says "There shall be no barren in the land". As many as believe in God, He will heal and bless. He is th alpha and the wonder working God.

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