Tuesday, October 2, 2012

A Different Path to Parenting

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I was thinking I'd return to regular blogging immediately but with the outpouring of support on the last post, I want to thank you all for your comments. I might not be able to answer you individually but hopefully as time goes on, I will explore my thoughts on some of the questions and comments. One thing I can assure you is this: it's certainly not the end. Owning the infertile label does not mean loss of hope or lack of faith, it simply means acceptance so I can fully embrace options open to me in this place and time, and to an honest and loving life with my partner for life.

As a couple in our thirties, there are not a lot of our friends and people around us who do not have children. Some weeks ago, we went out to a picnic with friends and colleagues from Atala's work and we had a nice time. There was food, games and football. Since it was a family picnic, most people came with their kids, there were a few pregnant women, a couple of babies, toddlers, and several older kids. I couldn't help thinking that if we had got pregnant right off, one of the cuter children may have been ours.

When we came back, I asked Atala how he felt, and his answer was food for thought for me. He said that he of course noticed all the children, but surprising for him, there was not too much hurt attached to enjoying time spent with everyone around. For the first time since we had to face our infertility, he told me how painful it had been for him in the early months to see pregnant women, or men with small kids in a father/child setting.

As he spoke, something in me felt like some air leaving a balloon and I recognized it as a further acceptance of our infertility. There was also a lot of love and admiration of this man I had married.

I have since ruminated further on that conversation, and how being childless has affected our life and relationship.

One thought that keeps coming back is that life isn't fair. But it's not like I just knew that today. I've been a kind of underdog in a lot of scenarios - I am female, I am on the small side, and growing up, both together was sometimes enough for bullies to pick on you. I am also the unfashionable girl, the nerdy-no-time-for-small-talk woman, and in most circles that will certainly make you no friends.

So I've had a lot of opportunities to think about the unfairness of life and work on the only thing I have control over. And that is yourself, and your attitude. You may not be able to chose the situations life throws at you, but you can chose how you react to it. Attitude I have realized, is sometimes 100% of how you experience life. You can actually choose to be happy or you can choose to be sad. Someone may get a 50k job and depress herself with thoughts of her friends with six figure salaries. You can either see a glass as half-full or you see it as half-empty. I can even chose to see it as full. And I do.

Some people may have a different opinion and they're entitled to it, I guess. I am living my life regardless.

After much consideration when I was in university, I handed my life over to God, and decided to be a Christian. Yes, I am born again and profess Christ as my savior. Part of that profession is living the life of promise. His word is in my heart, I live my life as a light to the world, and I have peace, joy and contentment. I have not encountered anything since to rob me of these. And even living with infertility, I thank God.

I won't say we don't want children, we do. But we also accept that they may be adopted, they may be conceived through ART or they may be born to us naturally when we're older. Yes, we believe it is not over till it is over. Whatever the case, we are at peace that our path may be different from others.





36 comments:

  1. oh babe, i feel like giving you a hug right now; you made all the sense
    and like you said "you may not be able to choose what life throws at you but you can choose how you react to it"
    Im sure you wld be fine...and you know what "God is still God anyway!"

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  2. That's the spirit! Keep it up dear and you'll conquer life itself. xoxo

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  3. awwwwwwww...Myne you sound so sweet. This is the first tine I will read your post with heartfelt as in serious one...seriously it weird but I feel connected..

    You know what I have always admired about you, your honesty and approach. You have so much to give and so much to receive in return. You and Atala are always smiling in your pictures which shows how happy, content and genuine you both are.. I like it alot.. And I know your children will enjoy you BOTH.

    I like your communication too.. Life is UNFAIR. I agree 110% and it even unfair when things you dont wish or pray ON anyone happens to you. But like you said, its the ATTITUDE that matters. Either allow the situation to eat you up alive or GET OUT AND deal with the situation.

    Finally, YOU ARE not the first person to go through this situation and certainly wont be the LAST. The people that went through it have a story to share and testimony to share so just like they have, yours will be too. Even non believers experience MIRACLES how about BELIEVERS. GOD TRULY does work in mysterious ways...

    xoxoxoxoxo e-hugs....

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  4. you have the winning attitude Myne, you will surely overcome

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  5. Myne, when I had a miscarriage a couple of years ago, I spent a lot of time poring over the internet searching for women who had gone through such. I didn't comment on any of such blogs or communities but I cannot begin to tell you the comfort I received from all those wonderful strangers who chose to share their stories. You may never know how many lives you touch by sharing this, but have no doubt - You are already touching lives!
    And when I spoke up about mine, I was shocked by the number of friends and family members who opened up about their experiences. Sometimes, all people need is someone to take the first step so they can follow.

    My mom always says if the things we go through in life is not a source of hope, comfort, help or inspiration to others, then it was all for nothing. You are making yours count in the best possible way.

    Know this, no matter the route you decide on in your path to parenthood, it will be worth it at the end. And I have no doubt you and Atala will be wonderful parents.

    Hugz from me!

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  6. I so much admire your courage Myne, thumbs up. Often times, when I tell my friends I would love to adopt a child or two they frown at me and I tell them that the true test of love is when you love another like your own. Do whatever you know will make you and Atala happy. That is paramount to what any othe person thinks.

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  7. God bless you Ma'am
    http://trendysturvs.blogspot.com

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  8. I love you Myne! I will be praying for you. Half the battle is won already because of your faith in Jesus and your attitude.

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  9. I'm actually reading this post before going back to read the one you wrote yesterday.

    I was touched on knowing this and I have to say I admire your resolve to stay optimistic. Atala is definitely a good man for standing by you and also helping to stay strong in this moment. All I can say is that YOU WILL STILL HAVE CHILDREN. No matter what verdict modern medicine may have declared, God's versict is superior. I know He sees your heart and he is still in the business of doing miracles...yours will not an exception.

    Keep the faith...you're in my prayers.

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  10. Dearest Myne,
    You are simply amazing. You are not alone- our prayers are with you. With the kind of perspective you have about life, your problems are already half solved. And with God on your side they are fully solved. Just know that what ever happens to you in the future (with or without children), the word of of God will manifest in your life and that is most important. You are an inspiration and I am blessed to have discovered you through your blog. Stay blessed, darlyn

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  11. Its when you get to this point that you eventually get pregnant. Let Go and Let God!. Wish you both the best. Always remember that God's plans are for the best. Trust me. i have been there

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  12. Soooo very inspiring Myne. Keep up the faith!!!

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  13. Myne, you are so brave! Thank you for sharing your story. I just went back and read your previous post about "coming out of the infertility closet" and I have a new found respect for you.

    I hope that through you blogging about your experience, that you will open a lot of closed minds. I wish you all the best going forward.

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  14. Dear Myne,

    Your courage is overwhelming, you are such a beautiful person and I MEAN IT. All has been said on the other post, no need for repetition here.

    Just one thing to add- I LOVE YOU BOTH.

    Cheers.

    Abiola.

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  15. ...and before you know it, you'll have your own kids. my family friend, couldnt hold up pregnancies. Her womb was to weak they said, she had miscarraiges in her 6th and 7th months...now she has triplets. meaning even if she never is able to hold up anything in her womb ever again, she has 3kids to take care of. so sweetie all is well that is well. It is well with you and you too will carry your own kids.

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  16. Peace, everything you mentioned describes peace and there is absolutely nothing like it especially when it is from God. I am so glad you and your husband are at one with your decisions and the fact that you talk about it together, just warms my heart. You have one another's support. You also touched on attitude, I am so glad I am learning this in my 20's because there are many things that could have made me depressed in my own life right about now. But, I have chosen to give all my worries and emotions to my Creator. Once we figure out that our attitudes towards life can make 100% of a difference that’s when we start to live the life God intended us to live.

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  17. This was beautifully written Myne, God is the Author of all things... Things are never over til he says they are over... I admire you and Atala's strength, patience and love. :-)

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  18. Myne, i am glad you are a born again christian. Based on our faith, there is a difference between the TRUTH, and the FACT.

    The FACT is what the doctors have told you, and what is obviously the "fact" which you have accepted inorder to move forward.

    The TRUTH however is what God says about us. What the bible has proclaimed we are, and what you believe you are. Please hold on to the TRUTH, because the truth will ALWAYS prevail!

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  19. This is really inspiring, Myne..
    “You may not be able to choose the situations life throws at you, but you can chose how you react to it“.....so true.

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  20. I love what Roger Bannister, the man who broke the 4-minute barrier, said: "The man who can drive himself further once the effort gets painful is the man who will win" For many years, the whole world believed that it was impossible to run a mile(about 1.6 kilometers) in less than four minutes. Doctors and scientist said it was humanly impossible. The said that the configuration of a man's skeleton and musc;es did not allow it.Top athletes of those days said it was impossible. However. Roger Bannister chose to ignore their reports and advice. He kept on training and streching himself. On the 6th of may, 1954, Roger Bannister ran one mile in exactly 3 minutes, 59 seconds. H e had disproved the theorie of the experts and gurus of his day.He drove himself on and on till he exelled.
    Hope I've not ramble much but just to give you a path in the back for being courage and positive attitude and best of all your faith in God in this issues. Trust Him, He will surely fulful His word in Exodus 23:26!


    I've always said to myself that there is something special about you, because of your inspirational,motivational and unique blogging style, but today You have proven that you're more than that, your courage and honesty alone is priceless and I have respect for now more than before.

    I know that with God nothing is impossible, I'm withness to His faithfulness because I've walked through infertility, Yes the journey can be stressful and tough only those that had or currently in this situation will understand it perfectly. During my journey after three years of waiting, I was blessed with our first child followed by hearbreaking miscarriage, right now we're believing God for no2 for almost 4 yrs and we're still in the waiting game, God has not finish me yet. and I know that the thougth He has for us are for good not evil to give us expected end.
    That same God who did it for me will do it for you and you're husband. hugs/kiss from me. You will surely be blessed with children soon.

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  21. Myne nne, I always carry last when it come to your posts because I am a terrible fan but after reading your last post I want to say thank you for being totally honest about something so important. My Mum had trouble conceiving and I nearly died while she was pregnant with me. She also adopted a baby boy 22 yrs later, so you will find that a lot of people will know what you are going through and would like to share and learn with you on your journey. Lots of hugs xxx

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  22. I BELIEVE IN MIRACLES...!

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  23. BEST ATTITUDE TO HAVE! Please don't feel like you need to rush! Lots of families have children when they are older or adopt, especially because they are more likely to be able to provide for their children at that "late" stage in life. I know of a family where they adopted a baby when both were in 40's and everyone was "complaining" they are too old. Doesn't make sense to me. With life expectancy on the rise for people living abroad it makes sense to wait.

    Please continue to do you and all the best!

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  24. My Myne! I thank God for your FAITH! That is all a believer needs to hold on to! I believe He will not let you down! It is WELL!

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  25. Several years ago, I knew a Nigerian woman who said she wished she did not have children because she had six boys and they were all armed robbers. I will never reveal her name but it is 100% true. She came to see someone for help.

    PLEASE do not attempt to try too hard to conceive. Apart from IVF and prayers, leave the rest to god. God's time is the best. The devil is a liar.

    We all have problems but hide it most of the time. Life was never meant to be rosy... What of those who have kids and are unmarried? Is that not a problem? Abeg!!! What of those married to men that can never perform? E get as e bi!

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  26. Myne, please in all situation be thankful to God, you are in a privileged relationship- Marriage. Some of your age mates or even older are not married yet you are. Just like you said 'it is your response to what life throws at you that you have control over'. You are so talented and blessed. cheer up!

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  27. Myne... God bless you.

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  28. You are truly blessed to have such a loving husband, a man who values you for you and not for your uterus. I hope and pray that I one day find a man who loves me like that. Stay blessed.

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  29. for me this is the best news i have heard in a long while. I trust God n i Know that He has already handled your case.
    www.secretlilies.blogspot.com

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  30. With God all things are possible, only believe. The bible has stories of women who were barren (without child) for some time. God in the end honored their faith in Him and turned their situation around for His glory...There was Elizabeth, Sarah, Hannah and more even those in today's age. I am blessed as I read this article, because I hear the sound of peace and being justified by your faith in God, He gives you His peace. I hear the sound of a loving supportive husband, and that is so important - it matters! I pray God's blessings over you both. Be encouraged!!! Peace, love and blessings.

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  31. My dear it is well with your soul, the Bible said that there shall be know barren in the land u & Atala are not exempted, for speaking it out u are conceiving very soon, i mean it. Gods word cannot be broken & cannot go back to him none & void. Once again it well with ur soul, expect God in action in ur life soon.

    Take care
    Chioma

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  32. Bear hugs, sweet . You deserve happiness and much more. I have learnt that when life throws lemons at you , you make lemonade out of it.

    There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it. 1 corint 10:13

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  33. you are right, you can choose to be happy or not and accepting it helps you seek help from the right places and leaves your options very open. Thank God for a man like Atala and I am glad he is your husband and he is very understanding. MAy god bless you both and surprise you pleasantly!

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  34. I found your blog when I googled "coming out as infertile" since it's something I've been thinking about doing. We are about in the same place as you in our journey, we are in our 30s, and it's been two years that we've been trying. I recently felt a major shift in my attitude as I finally accepted our situation. I am not angry anymore. Of course I am sad, but I am now patient and willing to accept whichever route we take to parenthood. I look forward to following you on your journey!

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  35. Attitude does matter. Growing up, I witnessed the pain that 2 childless aunties experienced and I didn't like it. What I did was de-mystify childlessness in my mind and frankly to me it's not a big problem. I choose to look at the several options that I can explore by virtue of the life I've been blessed with. As in, thank God I'm educated, thank God I don't live in a repressive culture, thank God for a supportive family etc.
    Not that infertility won't hurt but if it happens to me, I've already prepared for it o. I will find joy in an adopted child and bring that child up like he/she came from my loins.
    Myne I like your attitude and I'm glad for your outspokenness that puts a face to this ordeal that several women face. Thank God for Atala also.

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