Tuesday, October 16, 2012

7 Things to Work on Before You Say Yes or I do

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The other day, we were discussing the best age to get married. The consensus is that there's no set age because people are different. What is more important is that one has experienced life as an independent individual, is mature, and knows what marriage is all about. Marriage is about love and sex, but it is also about the future, working together with another person to help each other be the best you can be, both personally and as people in a community. Most couples also hope to have children and so one has to think about that too.

I recently came across an article on things one should work on before saying yes to a proposal, and especially before you say I do! Enjoy the article.

1. You've Dated Around
We're not saying you have to pull a Jen Aniston and go through tons of dudes before you find The One. But having a few solid long term relationships under your belt does help you figure out what qualities are important to you and what makes a relationship work-so you truly appreciate your future hubs when you find him.

2. You Share Similar Goals
Let's say he wants to do the suburbia thing stat, while you'd love to travel the globe for a few years. If you get hitched, one of you will end up disappointed...you're in separate mind-sets right now and prioritize different things. Settle down with a man you're more or less on the same page with: you both want to live in the city, you both want (or don't want) kids, etc.

3. You Don't Want to Change Him
Look, you don't have to adore everything about your guy. But you do have to make peace with the fact that he's always going to sack out on the couch and be glued to ESPN on Sunday afternoons, and he'll never stop slurping the milk in his cereal no matter how many times you say it annoys you. You can't change a man (but you can tweak him), and trying to will make you frustrated...not to mention bitchier.

4. Your Connection Is Tight Out of Bed, Too
When you first started seeing each other, staying between the sheets all weekend was pretty legit. But for your bond to be strong enough for the long haul, you need more than a physical connection-meaning you need to know that you can have just as much fun together with your clothes on as you do when they're off.

5. You're Not Living Out a Bridal Fantasy
Sure, it seems like every time you sign onto Facebook, another pal has posted pics of herself in a stunning white gown. Sigh. But remember: Getting hitched isn't about the ceremony-it's about what happens after your big day. You'd better be thinking about your future life with him, not just your future bridal party photos (and how pretty they'll look in that fab silver frame).

6. You Both Try to Resolve Fights
After you have a disagreement, it may seem easiest to apologize and move on-you know, do the whole "pretend it never happened" thing and go forward. But sweeping conflicts under the rug only sets you up for a bigger blow-outs down the road, because the issues will likely resurface if left unresolved. If you can't talk things out rationally, you're not ready.

7. Your Friends and Family Dig Him
Of course, it's your life, so you have the final say. Thing is, choosing a partner is a big deal, and your inner circle's input does mean something. It's fine if a few family members or friends aren't huge fans of you two as a couple; you can't please 'em all. But if everyone seems to think you're a poor match, ask them why. They might be onto something.

While #1, 5, and 7 I think are relative, I can't stress 2, 3, 4, and 6 enough. Those are the points that will get you through the day-to-day trails and triumphs of marriage, what some call the nitty-gritty. In my opinion, open and respectful communication, friendship and good conflict resolution skills are key for a healthy marriage.


  1. HI MYne, i am Ibo and i love ths yoruba guy.....we are currently in a relationship. My parents hate him because HE IS YORUBA and are threatening fire and brimstone...... and pls believe me when i say that he has commited no other offence, except that he is yoruba. how does one deal with such a situation. God created us all as one and i believe he didnt create a particular tribe not to marry/associate with any other tribe.....so why do we humans do stuff like this??

    1. Hello Nkechi, I do not think your parents HATE him, I believe thy just want you to marry someone from the same cultural and ethnic background. I believe we are made different for a reason and Yes, there "are" tribes that are not meant to marry each other. However, for your Yoruba friend, did his parents accept you? Have you tried to convince your parents of your love and understanding of this man? Have you tried to reason with them to see why they do not want the marriage, other that his tribal origin? My solid advice is NOT to rebel, take it a step at a time, if he is a good man, let your parents discover it themselves and remember you are not marrying the man alone, you are going into an entirely new family. So be cautious do not rebel as you will have no backbone when you move to your new family, you will stand alone if anything happens. Although, Love matters in marriage, compatibility and understanding matters a lot more. Good luck as you explore this life changing stage of your life, and I pray you make the best decisions.

  2. No 1 is definitely relative asides that, not bad!

  3. Very important points...one cant have too much of wise words especially when it comes to marriage, one has just got to get it right!

  4. Very important points. I am for talking through a conflict not sweeping it under the sheets like it didn't happen. Cos it will come to hunt you later.

  5. I've been married to the same wonderful guy for some years. Got to say the article's points nailed it. Every person I know who's divorced wanted the white gown or a fix-me-upper guy or didn't understand there's more than the bedroom in a house or gagged on I'm sorry and so on. Marriage is not about two people doing everything together. Marriage is about two people respecting each other.

  6. #2 is the word Myne. You gotta be on the same page. Finances, lifestyle, aspirations. If not, frustrations reign.
    Why starta life together on an unequal foundation?

  7. While I am not married yet, I agree with you ma that 2, 3, 4, and 6 are very paramount. May God help us.

    - LDP

  8. So true. Hits some home truths. Been married a couple of years and its all spot-on. Nice article Myne

  9. I have been married for ten years now and from everything I have read, or had been told about marriage, I have realized that it's all relative, and everyone's experience is unique to them, although a few generalities apply. Point 1 is definitely relative because I do not believe in dating around to find the 'one.' For me,I wanted one great love for life, and I prayed for that, because I did not even want to waste my time trying out different relationships.I had my qualities which included the fact that: he must be teachable-not proud, he must have authority figures in his life that he submits to and respects, he must share the same faith/beliefs with me, he must not necessarily be wealthy, but must be hardworking and aspiring to be wealthy some day, and above all, a God-fearing Christian, but not spooky about his faith. It's important to face issues and not sweep them under the carpet, so I agree with point 6. Points 3 and 5, sure. Point7 is relative, and as for point 4, I believe that introducing that aspect of things before marriage, tampers with the bond/communication that you need to be experiencing, and growing in, because once the sex creeps in, things just get distorted from that point. By the way Myne, thanks for this post.

  10. Great post and point 2 and 6 are quite profound.
    I am a happily married newly wed (lol...) and its because mainly we made sure #2 was on point and #6 found a respectful and agreeable way to resolve conflict....which is also linked to one great thing needed in a marriage... COMMUNICATION.
    As for #4 ... Being a bible believing Christian sex was out of the question in our dating relationship until we got married and that helped us to develop a deep friendship based on other stuff other than just the physical.
    I also recommend counseling before marriage...our church does one with every couple and it helps you deal with realistic issues before you take the leap. :)

  11. Well from my little experience, I believe tolerance is indispensable in a marital relationship. I'm so much in love with #3 the problem with us is that we want to force change, which most times make matters get sour. Pls more and more of wisdom capsules, abeg as I go soon marry


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