Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Dear Myne - Should I get even on my Cheating Husband?

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I discovered a few months back that my husband slept with another lady. This was less than 2mths after our second child, and 2 months to our fourth year wedding anniversary. To say that I was deeply hurt is putting it mildly.... I wept like never before and some of my thoughts included divorce and even suicide.

When I confronted him, he opened up and told me it was just a one-night stand and apologised for his actions. I forgave him (or looking back now, so I thought), but the whole event still plays in my mind/head and I just feel a surge of hatred all over again. I think what makes it worse is the fact that in spite of all that happened, I am the one who's trying to put things right (reading books, etc) and my hubby just seems to be all engrossed in his work and all, and never wants to re-visit the issue; like all is/was well.

We are both christians but I need to confess that sometimes I feel that getting even may make me feel better 'cos the lady is white and we're both from naija (I feel he just wanted some adventure)... It's really eating me up as I still ahve a lot of questions to ask but he doesn't like talking about it, saying it's not easy for him...I hope I'll get some closure here... Thank you and God bless.


  1. Dear Ms Betrayed,
    Trust was betrayed when your husband cheated and it is slowly eating at you.In matters like this, sometimes there is no true forgiveness unless you talk about it. Understanding sometimes makes a thing easier to forgive and (possibly forget?). You might return the favor by cheating and you might even get away with it.But will that make you feel better? Or worse?The issue bothers you a lot- unburden yourself, if not to your hubby then to a counselor or trusted pastor or even anonymously.I hesitate to say a friend, because that might only add other unnecessary flames. What is your heart telling you?

  2. Hi there,
    I had to pray before writing..i am not a counselor, but I have some understanding about marriages, and i have lived thorough infidelity and eventually divorce through my parent's i am really sorry for what you have been through, and let me just say here that, what you feel is normal and legitimate, you have been betrayed and betrayal is always very very painful especially in a marriage. I can't imagine my husband sleeping with another woman, i would feel suicidal, want to divorce etc.. i want you to know what you are feeling is perfectly normal, so don't let anyone tell you otherwise or that you are over reacting. That being said, i agree with Tobechi who posted earlier that true forgiveness cannot come without talking about it, your husband cannot say he doesn't want to talk about it, he is the offender and he needs to own up to his mistakes and do all he can to help you feel better least of which is to talk. Please don't keep it all inside, get a trusted pastor (since you say you are both Christians) to work with you and walk you through the process of healing and forgiveness, please note that both of you need the counseling, you, because you are the victim and you are hurting ( can i just say i have noticed an increase in adultery rates right after the birth of a child, that's food for thought), and you need to process all this so you can be okay again. And also for him because he needs to truly understand the seeds he is sowing in his marriage he needs to know that he may not be able to contain the harvest when it comes ( my own father would give anything to make things right today but it’s too late) . i am an advocate that Adultery should not be treated as a private sin, where the man/the woman is allowed to get away with it, with just an apology and a slap on the wrist..he/she will almost always do it again, you need to tell people that can hold your husband accountable, so he can begin to see how he has erred otherwise we will most likely have a circle of infidelity and forgiveness until the marriage disintegrates either physically or emotionally ( by this i mean a marriage where the couple is just there for the kids or benefits without real commitment), i really pray that God sees you guys through and heals your marriage..stay blessed!

    1. Wow, this is deep. I dont know what else to add. Thank you for saying it as it is.

    2. thank you for your prayers, and I hope your own marriage remains blessed.

    3. Bless you for this. They need to talk.
      What does Hubby mean by not wanting to talk. really? Throws my hands up in the air!

  3. I can imagine how you hurt inside but like the previous contributions, the bottom line is talking it over with your husband. It will help a great deal if both of you revisit the issue, let him openly and sincerely show a high level of repentance. Knowing your husband very well, you may choose to invite your pastor into the talking process, that way, the presence of the man of God will stand as a spiritual check on him while on the other hand serving as a coolant for you, the hurting partner. Once this is done, try there and then to truthfuly forgive him and live a normal life. To tell you the truth, it is the devil who is suggesting such adventure as getting even by paying your husband back in the same coin. Remember men are naturally very curious which inevitably leads them to being a bit polygamous when dealing with the opposite sex. I pray that God will strenghten you and help you keep your home safe! Amen

  4. Jemima your prayer was answered. That is fantastic advice.

  5. jemima said it all! God bless & heal you!

  6. Getting even will not make you feel better and it may even make you harder and guilty too. Encourage your husband that you want to talk about it and try to do it without over burdening him. I know your hurt but he has apologized and now you need to discuss why it happened and how you can prevent it in future.

  7. wow this is so deep. i am with Jemima on this one. it has to b talked about, and with a good counselor. leave friends out of this.

  8. True forgiveness is not going to come from you guys talking about it alone. Total forgiveness comes when u set aside ur feelings of hurt and the need to cast any blame or fight over who's wrong or right, which is extremely difficult!

    Discussing how and why it happened might not necessarily solve this; yes, the effect can be fast in that you guys are totally back on point..lovey dovey. But the bitterness of cheating is always going to be there and u'll always be afraid to bring it up sometimes (lest he accuse u of not completely letting go of things).

    Honestly, I think you need to be an intercessor for your marriage and pray fervently to God to give you that spirit to forgive, to sacrifice ur feeling of hurt for happiness. This goes against what we all know and have been taught, but at the end of the day, the rewards are for u and ur family: a happier marriage. Do you know that sometimes the prayers of men can be hindered if their wives harbor grudges? (1 Peter 3:7). If ur husband is truly repentant like u said, this is worth a trial.

    Again, forgive him for you. Do not say, “I will repay evil”; wait for the Lord, and he will deliver you. Trust in God, not ur feelings! He heals the broken-hearted and binds ups their wounds. Think about urself for a minute: A merry heart doeth good like a medicine: but a broken spirit drieth the bones. Cheer up and pray your way through deliverance!

    1. Your comment and advice was beautiful. I think we all must take a step back in our lives and apply the word of God to our situations to gain true deliverance and healing.

  9. This is a tough one - but in my experience with friends whose spouses/partners have cheated, I think it's going to be up to you to forgive, when you feel ready. Nobody can tell you you should do this or that, they can only give their own advice based on their own experience, but it has to be something that feels right for you.

    I am very sorry you're going through this!

  10. I am so sorry that you are going through this and it is a heartbreaking process. My father took my mother through this for several years before they finally divorced. He never took responsibility for his actions and his life is still in turmoil today even in his second marriage. On the other hand my mother's marriage is filled with love and support. I also have a friend that is going through a situation similar to yours and I continue to encourage her and pray for them both.

    As others have already said please turn to a trusted adviser such as your pastor who can pray for you two, support you, and give you the guidance that you need. You have to find your way to healing and deliverance in this situation, but please know that your life is extremely valuable. Taking the same course of action that he took will not bring healing and a better feeling to you. It may create more issues than those that you are dealing with now as we can never know the outcome of our actions.

    And most importantly, love yourself for your sake and that of your children's. They need their mother more than anyone else in the world. Please don't deprive them of the right and the blessing of growing up with you. My prayers are with you and your family and I pray that in time God will deliver you both from the pain and heal your marriage. One day you will see how strong you have become and how your character has developed through this time of tribulation. And I pray that your marriage will come out even more blessed and stronger than ever before.

  11. What you're feeling is normal,but you shouldn't act on those thoughts.You've been a good person and his attitude shouldn't change you.He fell,help him up,don't fall with him.Ask God for the grace to help you live through this period and also to help you forget and forgive.God bless you!

  12. My dear, there is no point trying to get even. Getting even can be likened to 'cutting your nose to spite your face'. in the process of getting even (sleeping with another guy maybe) you might hurt yourself in the process. Especially if you are not the philandering type. Take heart darl.

  13. Men like to sweep such things under the rug and pretend like it never happened. For your own sanity, you have to force him to talk about it But please don't get even, it's not worth it

  14. Lots of wise counsel has been given already. Especially about asking God to heal your heart one on one cos nothing your hubby really does will do that for you. He can help but it takes God and time to work out that piece of deliverance on a heart that has been hurt like this. Also, please break every bond set up by that alliance. Simply destroy the links by the power that is in the blood of Christ. I honestly believe each one of us has this power as God's children but if you feel unsure, seek help from a seasoned intercessor.

    And yes, it is good you talk but may I just say this like this:

    When to talk
    After praying to God for the right time. It might be now, it might be later. Let God decide. Do not force the matter cos to be honest, talking, as vital as it is, is not going to heal things if it is not done in a constructive way. If your hubby still balks at the idea of talking, you keep praying. Speak to his spirit in the placeof prayer. You have your own juju, use it. The word of God is our own jazz, cast a Holy Spirit spell on him to melt his heart and make him realise that you need to talk through this issue. Many a wise woman has gotten their men to do things via Word based remote controls. I am not kidding, it works and is so much easier on the blood pressure!

    What not to talk about
    The how, when or what of the evil deed. No matter what you think, you do not need details. It will just conjure up all sorts of images and mess your head up so badly that it will take a whole new level of God's grace to heal your mind. It is very tempting but trust me, you will not be ready to hear some of the stuff you might hear especially if you ask him to be totally honest and tell you how it all went down.

    what to talk about
    WHY? You need to understand why so you can both prevent it from happening again and this is where you need him to be very honest and this is why you really need to pray to God give you a calm spirit and an open heart and mind cos once again you might hear things that will make your blood boil BUT you must not blow a gasket and the Holy Spirit will help you. The objective is to pinpoint the chinks in your marital armor and agree on how to plug them.

    How to talk
    In love. You must do, be, act in love STILL. I learnt a while back that as much as this thing hurt me, what mattered to God more than even the state of my marriage was the state of my husband's soul. It is hard but we wives need to look at our hubbies like God does and be concerned not just that they remain faithful to us but that they remain faithful to God. That they not go to hell. So all you do must bring him back to God. And if there is one thing that will do that it is you acting in love in spite of your pain. Easy? Not at all but doable and worth every hot tear that will roll down your cheek. How many times do we hurt God by our deeds, see how he treats us? That is how you should treat your hubby.

    Finally, my dear, stop going around moping (if you still are). You are not a broken toy someone rejected. You are a woman of God and you will get through this. God and Time heals all wounds. ALL. Let the joy of the Lord in you give radiance to your face, play with your children and let the devil know that he is just a stupid goat and no matter what he thinks he has done, he will always be a goat. You on the other hand are the daughter of the Lion of the tribe of Judah. There is a King living in you and He will fix you, your hubby and your marriage. You must believe this with all your heart.

    I am standing with you. You shall testify in Jesus name. Amen!

  15. Nothing more to add.

    May God heal your heart and marriage.


  16. I think it is normal among the younger set between 16 and 25, but anyone older should know better if they have a serious relationship in mind. Carlmont Pharmacy If not they just want sex from you.

  17. Yep, get even...cut his balls off!

  18. I know you are hurt and in pain
    but cheat on him?
    Yuck, so you'd like another guy
    put his hands on you just just to get even
    Even when its not about dignity or respect
    Who do you answer to?
    What does God want you to do?
    Does God want you to sin or stay holy?
    Cry as much as you want but do as God says.


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