Thursday, September 27, 2012

How To Show Nigerian Love - Elnathan John

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Elnathan John writes some amazing satire and when I read this, I just knew I has to share. Enjoy!
To quote D’Banj, “love is a beautiful thing”.

I have not met the man, but I know he meant Nigerian love, which is a species totally different from the heresy practised by oyibo people in the name of love. Our love is not of short-lived flowers and long meaningless walks in the park. As a person dedicated to your hustle, I have undertaken to provide wisdom that will protect you from falling into such heresies.

This is how to show Nigerian love.

Nigerian love is pragmatic. Words are a waste of time. Every true Nigerian knows how little the words ‘I love you’ mean. Except of course you are in Europe and need to quickly marry someone to get residency. Nigerian love is a very material concept. When you hear rich couples attend events and say those nebulous words, ‘I love you’ to each other, what they do not tell you is how they really say it. God will judge them for trying to mislead new couples.

Cook for your man. Nigerian wives know this already. But lovers need to learn: A thousand words cannot work the magic of one pot of egusi soup, complete with meat, ‘assorted’ and okporoko. Present it steaming with semovita or if you can, pounded yam. You will not need to say anything. He will wear a smile that says ‘I know you love me’. His friends, on learning that the wondrous dish was made by you, will proclaim, ‘O boy! Dis girl like you well well o’. In Nigerian pidgin, to like ‘well well’ is to love practically and ‘o’ as an intensifier for ‘well-well’ has no real English equivalent. The closest I can say is that it means love to a superlative degree.

Cooking for him entitles you to show your love in another very important way: checking his phone. So, you have cooked for him and he has shown his gratitude by sweating profusely and promptly falling asleep on your couch. This is the time to dive for his phone and read all his text messages. You will find something. If you don’t, go through his call records- you are likely to find calls to or from an Amaka after he said he needed to rest last night. Whether you choose to further show your love by harassing him about it immediately, or choose to hold on it as part of your arsenal during your next big quarrel is up to you. You know what works best for your man.

Loving Nigerian men always pay. There is no exception to this rule.  Not even if she has watched plenty DSTV and pretends that she wants to split the bill. If a Nigerian girl offers to pay reject it like Jesus rejected Satan’s evil temptation with bread. Don’t even act like it is a discussion. Ignore her attempts at checking her purse and quickly settle the bill. This is true love. This also applies if she is out with one, two or three friends. Whether you choose to show your love quietly, by excusing yourself and going to settle the enormous bill, or with panache, by screaming, ‘How much is MY bill?’ is up to you. You know what works best for your woman.

As a loving Nigerian woman, never ask who his female friends are. Even if you find him in a compromising situation with a woman who refuses to greet you. Nigerian love ignores such things. It makes excuses on his behalf- she may be his colleague, business partner or member of his prayer group. Nigerian love is good like that. This doesn’t however mean that you can do the same. Nigerian love has very gender specific rules. They do not apply both ways.  The only exception to this rule is if the Nigerian man does not ‘pay’.

Deny her the company of any male who is not her relative. This is important. In Nigeria, a jealous man is a loving man. If she is on the phone, watch her demeanour. If she is excited, ask her who it is. By ‘who?’ you mean all the details- name, gender, nature of relationship, process and length of acquaintance, subject of conversation, the whole works. She knows this. You own the franchise of her happiness and no other man is allowed to make her laugh on the phone. If you fail to do this, even she will begin to doubt your love. You cannot afford to let this to happen.

Never ever, as a Nigerian man do stupid things like go into the kitchen to cook. This is forbidden territory. Not even if you are starving and she is on the bed complaining of cramps. There is no better way to truncate your romantic hustle than doing the dishes after she has spent hours making your favourite dish. This is like jumping into a river with concrete slab tied to your neck. There is no recovery from it. God will judge all the foreign film makers who have introduced the dangerous illusion of this being a romantic thing. In fact when you answer the door and it is your neighbour asking if you have a baking tin or big pot, vehemently deny knowledge of anything that goes on in the kitchen and ask her to hold on for your woman. It will be a tragedy for you to introduce doubts about your masculinity in your woman’s mind. May God protect us from tragedies.

It is my hope that as you enjoy foreign romance movies or romance novels, you do not get carried away by them. Stick to my advice and God will bless your romantic hustle.
[Source]






29 comments:

  1. LOOOOOL i dont think I want that Nigeria love

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  2. " reject it like Jesus rejected Satan’s evil temptation with bread." lmaooo
    Aaaah! Houston, we have a problem... see how long it took me to note the sarcasm? Me gan sef I was going yes yes... ok maybe not... haba no now until it hit my LASTMA self that this thing is satire (at least I hope so)... chei... good read sha

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  3. Wow. Nice piece. Pls am trying to create a profile. How do I do dt. Am tired og appearing as any*

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    1. You might try opening a google account,that way you can log in with your name.

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  4. HILARIOUS! I am forwarding this to my naija friends!

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  5. I think I will pass on this kind of love...biko this is exhausting, Naija love sha.

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  6. lwkm........choi!! who is this guy?

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  7. " You own the franchise of her happiness and no other man is allowed to make her laugh on the phone" hehehe

    Can i just marry this guy already? His humour alone is enough for me lmaooooo

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  8. but this write up is TRUE! am not nigerian and all my nigerian friends and bf's fam have at different occasions told me most of whats written here! LOL nigerian women are strong! i hail una!

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  9. hahahahahaha i reject this love in Jesus name lol nice write up

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  10. Lol i love this this piece!! I don't think the Nigerian love or "marriage" as some of us know it favors women.

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  11. Was God trying to reveal something to me when I confessed to my parents that I loved Asian men? I need my man to be very mushy and to be a "walk initiator" so I'll pass on the Nigerian man for now. Thank you. Lol

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  12. Which kain wahala love?? 'he shows gratitude by sweating and sleeping on my couch??' not good!

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  13. Totally hilarious!!! Who'z this guy?

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  14. errrr I think I qualify for Nigerian love then.

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  15. Hehehe...LWKMD. Hmmm...Nigerian love na wah. I guess its a pleasant symphony of the good and the bad. Me na man but if I hear say I no cook sometimes! As I come be poet nko? How I no go turn my woman head with words? hehehe...nice article.

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  16. This is the funniest thing I've read today. lol

    - LDP

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  17. This kind love... Hehehehe. I'ld rather a Togolese love :D

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  18. WOW!! This is great n so true!I kinda fancy this "Nigerian love" hmmmm..except the part where he doesn't have to enter the kitchen.. but can forgive that if he employs a cook!

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  19. Guy the thing you go cause with this your write up, na only God go save you.

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  20. The whole write up was just too hilarious true lol. Enjoyed every sentence

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  21. Written by the people for the people..........hilarious but true!!

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  22. So food and money are the core ingredients of Nigerian love? This Elnathan sef..lolsigh

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  23. Loooolll, cooking for him entitles you to showing your love in another important way, checking his phone. Too funny.

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  24. as with all ElNathan's articles they are truths crouched with irony....everything he writes here occurs...all I can say is that it makes for a more nigerian oriented battle of the sexes!

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  25. i'll pass on this one...

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  26. i agree that we women can cook but once in a while, it is romantic for the guy to cook also

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