Monday, August 20, 2012

Dear Myne - My Wife's Stubbornness is Killing my Love

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Dear Myne, I read the story below in a newspaper which is just like mine and wanted to hear your reader's responses. I don't want to share my exact details since I don't want to be recognized, but the summary like in the story below is that my wife cannot cook, she doesn't want to learn, and in addition to refusing to start a family after what we agreed before marriage, I am almost fed up. While I don't want to divorce, how can we get over her stubbornness?

Mandy was rushed to the hospital about 30 minutes after I resumed as the doctor on call that fateful Friday afternoon by her friend and col-league, Rose, straight from the office. Rose later disclosed that she collapsed during a meeting with some clients.She was immediately placed on drips while we carried out some tests by the side. Until I left the hospital the next morning, she never realised where she was, even as I checked on her severally. Unfortunately, I was off duty for the rest of the day.

However, when I resumed duty the next day as I walked towards her room, I saw her through the transparent glass door talking to someone on the phone ecstatically even though she was recuperating from severe typhoid and malaria fever. “Mandy was looking so beautiful and happy.” Candidly, the whole day I was off duty, I could not take my mind off her. I was looking for-ward to seeing her pretty face the next day.

I opened the door, cleared my throat and said, “Good morning Mandy, how are you feeling today?” “Doc, I feel much better. Thanks for the other day. Actually, I have been feeling sick for some time before I fainted in the office but I just couldn’t find the time to see a doctor. Now, the sickness disgraced me in the presence of my clients, can you imagine?” she said. “It’s really a pity. I cannot understand why people don’t take their health seriously. I understand you are a lawyer,” I said. She nodded her head hesitantly. “Well, my name is Dr Tesiro, but you can call me Tesiro,” I said.

The few minutes I spent with her, I dis-covered that Mandy was not only beautiful but also intelligent and this made me de-velop a strong likeness for her. I made sure I spent almost every minute with her when not attending to patients or in the theatre. I guess she noticed it. The one week she spent at the hospital made us grow fond of each other as we connected easily. Even af-ter she was discharged we kept seeing each other and soon, we had started dating.

Mandy is from a wealthy family where they have servants at their beck and call. Aside from that she is a very lively young woman. There is never a dull moment with her and she makes me very happy. The first day I visited her at home, her parents and siblings received me with open arms. We had lunch together and her father also had a fatherly discussion with me. He told me I was the only man Mandy had ever intro-duced to the family, meaning that she loves me so much and that there must be more to our relationship. I told him his daughter means the world to me. “Mandy means the world to me, sir. I love her very much and I promise you that very soon my people will pay your family a visit to formalise our relationship.” I had a good time with her family, no doubt.

Whenever she had the time, she visited me at home and if she felt hungry, she would prefer that we ate out rather than entered the kitchen to prepare something for us to eat. It is unfortunate that I don’t know how to cook myself. However, I never insisted she cooked because I felt that was her principle and so I don’t push it. The only day I told her to cook, she told me she was very tired and we had to eat out again as usual.

When I told my family about marrying Mandy, my mother called me one day and advised that I should visit with Mandy so that she would study her and tell me if she would be a good wife or not. “Tesiro, I would advise that you find time and visit us with Mandy. I want her to spend some hours at home with us. I want to moni-tor her closely and know if she will be a good wife or not,” she said. I promised my mother that we would visit on Saturday morning. Fortunately, when I told Mandy, she agreed too.

So, early that Saturday morning, we went over to my parents’ house. No doubt, everyone fell in love with her because of her lively nature. But about three hours later my mother called me into her bed-room and revealed, “My son, I know she is beautiful, lively, intelligent and you love her but I have noticed that she did not make any move to help me and your sisters out in the kitchen when we were cooking. Instead she was watching the television with you and your father. Neither did she help out in other house chores. I don’t think she is domesticated. A woman who is not domes-ticated cannot keep a home. How can she be here and I am sweeping? Instead of tak-ing the broom from me, she raised up her leg for me to sweep. Didn’t she come from a home? Was she not trained as woman? Is it normal? She failed all my tests woefully. But she sat comfortably at the table to eat the food I and your sisters prepared. She has no shame Tesiro.”

I tried to convince my mother that Man-dy was not lazy. I told her that the fact that they have many servants in their house does not mean she would not take care of our home or cook my meals. But she warned, “Tesiro my son, she will not make a good wife, it is obvious. You will still come back to this house and complain if you marry her.”

I ignored the warning of my mother be-cause I was deep in love with Mandy that I proposed about six months after we met and she joyfully accepted. “Tesiro, I will marry you. I will make you happy and be the mother of your children. I love you so much,” Mandy emphasised. Our wedding was the talk of the town because of the kind of family she came from. We travelled to Dubai for our honeymoon. It was on our return that reality began to dawn on me. The day after we returned from our honey-moon, I told Mandy I was hungry. She said to me, “Tesiro dear, there is no food in the house. And remember we came back from a journey together so I am tired. I will try and buy fried rice for us from the eatery.” “Alright just hurry up but note that you need to cook after all we are married now,” I counselled.

The second week after our wedding, one of the cooks in her parents’ house came to visit us with two medium sized coolers. The cook also dished the food and put into the freezer. I felt it was alright since we had been away for two weeks.

This may be strange but true, we have been married for almost a year now and I have never tasted my wife’s cooking. She gives excuses of being tired and our home is very dirty and unkempt. I try to find time when I am not on call to clean the house. Mandy cannot even cook rice. Rice is too far, she does not know how to boil anything. It is very clear that she is not domesticated and what pains me is that she is not even willing to learn. I have been eating food from my in-law’s house since I got married. Is this right?

All she cares about is her looks. When I brought up the issue with her mother, she broke down and told me, “Tesiro my son, out of all my daughters it is only Mandy who has refused to learn how to be domesticated. I don’t know why. I am so sorry.” At a point, we got a house help who do the cooking as well as other household chores but Mandy drove her away after two weeks because, according to her, the girl looks at me with seductive eyes. I am so ashamed to even open up to my family because my mother warned me.

I have begged her to go and learn how to cook but she told me she does not have the time for that as her career is more im-portant than anything or anybody. She has even refused to get pregnant as she takes contraceptives all the time. When I con-fronted her, she shocked me when she said she was not ready to have kids. “What is wrong with me taking contraceptives? I am not ready to have kids any time soon Tesiro because I want to build my career and I don’t need any distractions. Please under-stand. I will tell you when I am ready,” she retorted.

My problem is even compounded. My wife Mandy who is not domesticated but has also refused to learn is not ready to bear me children. Does she want me to look outside? I have talked and tolerated her for almost a year and I think I am fed up. What should be my next move? [Source]



  2. hmmmm....i was about suggesting dt u tororate her for d rest of r lyf since brought dt upon urself. buh changed my mind when i read dt she is nt even ready to mk babies.....she must be possessed n need a serious deliverance.u beta divorce her n move on wt r lyf

  3. Firstly, You brought this upon yourself because if you had listened to your mother who is more experience than you in this game of marriage you would not find yourself in this situation. My advise to you will be to speak to your parents first and hers because you cannot suffer alone you need to speak to them so they are aware of what is going on. Takee embarrassment and shame out of this because this literally is a matter of life and death. If they are able to make her see sense then you give her couple of months to make changes, if not. then my brother you have to make hays will the sun shines. Lest o forgot your wife is also very selfish going by the statement she made with regards to the discussion about her job. With this degree of selfishness if she decides to have children, i bet you that you will employ nannies.

  4. I my opinion i dnt think you should look for another wife. you confessed your love for her yourself. I think it is time you prayed about the issue and then seek Godly and elderly advice from one of your parents with your wife present so she can hear the truth from people she respects and love. let her understand that you love her but as a couple you need more than love and sex to gold up forever. she is just being selfish and i am guessing its because of the way she was brought up. let her see your point without being pushy.
    Good luck

  5. Erm, I honestly feel a bit irritated with you. "Suffering" in this manner for one year does not warrant you "looking outside". Try and put things in perspective - yes your wife is guilty of some "crimes", but if you knew what other men and women suffered in their homes,perhaps you would not be so quick to play the martyr.

    Complaining and reporting her to everybody will only get her back up and is very counterproductive. It certainly hasn't worked thus far, so I suggest you change your approach.She can and will change in time, but you need to be patient, strong, understanding, tolerant and prayerful. You also need to lead by example. Yes she does not cook, but neither do you. Have YOU tried to learn to cook the dishes you love, so as to set an example and precedence for what you expect in your home? How often do YOU tidy up your house when it is messy? Honestly? It is all well and good to expect your wife to do these things, but you are a grown adult who is also very capable of cooking and cleaning yourself. Less nagging, and more action and leading by example. I'm sure she would be better galvanized into "domestic-action" by seeing her hubby doing these things, than by being moaned at all the time.

    Also, I suggest that you keep in mind what attracted you to her in the first place. Did you marry her for her fine culinary skills, or because she was fun to be around and could make you laugh? Is she no longer fun to be around? I ask this because it is so easy to focus on the negative attributes, and forget the wonderful traits and features that attracted us to our spouses in the first place. Remember why you fell in love with her, and appreciate these qualities. Focus on the 80% that she has, rather on the 20% that you feel is lacking.

    I also want to highlight the fact that whatever her crimes, Mandy is not guilty of deceiving you. You knew full well that she had never once cooked a meal for you before you married her. Deep down you must have known that she could not cook, or at least did not like to cook. You knew her background, knew she was spoiled and had servants at her beck and call. You knew the advice and concerns of your mother that she would not make a domesticated wife. You also did not mention anywhere that she promised you children in the first year of marriage. So why do you now demand during marriage what you never witnessed/discussed/placed value upon during courtship? There is a saying that you should open both eyes before marriage, and then close one eye after. You seem to be doing the opposite in this case, which is hypocritical. Close one eye my friend. Alternate them if need be! I pray that she will change in time, but my point is you cannot marry a cygnet (baby swan) and then expect a fully grown gracious swan on Day 1. It takes time.

    Finally, I would once again encourage you to exercise patience. Try to be more encouraging and prayerful, and also lead by example.Prayer can and does change things and people. Pray for her, that God will instill in her the values you desire. Pray for yourself that God will grant you patience and teach you how to be a good husband. Remember that it always takes two.Instead of complaining about her, keep your in-laws out of the matter, and instead cover your wife with love. There are many women who cannot cook to save their lives, yet they have doting and supportive husbands;remember the reasons why you fell in love with her and hold on to these.

    Your marriage can survive, as long as you still want it to. Good luck.

    1. Beulah, you took the words out of my heart and mouth. My bro in law was the cook for the first two years of their marriage before my sis cottoned on. it was the best kept secret in the family.

      Your marriage can survive, as long as you still want it to - and that is God's truth!

    2. I have nothing else to add. God bless you for that godly advice!

    3. I couldn't have said it better myself 80-20 rule and you can't expect to change someone after marriage. Talk to her, all these things you are telling us make sure that you've told her. Let her know how you feel and if she still doesn't change then pray o

      Get a male houseboy/cook and as per child... PRAY!

    4. Well said Beulah. I couldn't have said it better. It is a clear case of two people who are not at the same page when they decide to marry thinking things will change. Nothing he has said about his wife leads me to believe there were no clear signs before they married.

      I do not think in all cases men should marry women because of their domestic skills. People are what they are and in most cases cannot change. Not all women should be expected to have domestic skills, some don't and that is the truth. I do not have cleaning skills at all, I won't clean but I will cook all day and night. Since there are no surprises here, Mr. Man should work around achieving a clean home with food..get help! Cook, Steward etc.

      Also I know some women may be terrified at the thought of being a mother, it is normal, however with time these feelings pass and she may want nothing more than to be one. I think patience and tolerance will go a long way to ensure the marriage lasts.

      Good luck!

  6. I completely agree with Beulah.

    It doesn't look like you had any discussion about her learning to cook and all those things. At least, after your mother brought it up, you should have talked to your wife about it, just to see where she stands. You really can't just expect someone to change because she's now married. About the children, it's something you should have spoken about in depth before getting married. Not every woman wants to get married and immediately start having children. Frankly, I think you just made too many assumptions.

    Anyhow, she's your wife, and you can still speak to her about it, if it bothers you so much. Don't accuse or attack her, just talk. And pray about it. And like Beulah said, remember why you fell in love in the first place. You're married to a woman who loves you. Enjoy that.

    Btw, is she complaining that you don't cook or tidy up either? Marriage isn't for you to to sit and put up your feet while your wife slaves over you. Put some work into it too. Show her a good example. Start tidying up and ask her to help. Start learning her to cook and tell her it would be nice to do it together. There are many ways to fix the issue without painting your wife as some kind of monster.

    Good luck, anyway.

  7. The woman is too stubborn, you should both go for more intensive counselling with professionals. Stop the whole reporting, you're not kids anymore.

    1. Well said! Marriage is not for babies who 'report' everything? Are you a journalist? Haba!

  8. mmmh i think you two better head your separate ways sooner rather than later coz it seems you are headed in that direction anyway. And i think people who are in a relationship should be around each other's family more often not a couple of hours for momma to make a decision coz trust me some girls can get an oscar for the good wife performance they would give during those few hours and the same goes for the men too. And now i understand why certain communities take their daughters through an intense 6 month period of domestication (learning to cook etc) before the wedding ceremony.

    1. so you are saying that..if you and your partner have an argument, the next thing you would do is leave the marriage...doesnt make sense.

    2. when is becomes consistent and draining the happiness in your relationship quieting is the likely option before it becomes something else

  9. ...Also, regardless of how domesticated one is, she may think why did your sisters or you not grab the broom from your mother? Why would she as a visitor do it when the woman's children are there? That test determines nothing!!!

    1. I was thinking the same thing too. It was only her first time in the house. She might have thought the mum enjoyed sweeeping if the sisters will let her do it. When I first went to one of my friends house and tried to clean the plate I had eaten with, her grandmother quickly took it off me and cleaned it herself. I felt like I was offending her when I tried to clean the second plate that I eat with.

      I really don't blame Mandy for not helping to sweep but I understand that she could be better, but like Beulah mentioned her husband needs to lead by example.

  10. Lots of luvly words of wisdom and encouragement here.I wld simply point out sthing u wrote ursef can WE get over her stubborness? U didnt ask how can I? U truly love ur wife n willing 2 make it work. please follow the postive suggestions given here and finally solve it 2geda. And may it alwaz be 'we' in ur home

  11. 1.She put her career 1st instead of u her hubby.
    2. She doesn't wana learn to cook or clean(abi she no sabi dat 1 too)
    3.She's nt ready to make babies and dats not open 4 negotiation.

    Doctor ur wife has broken al d rules of engagement.this days where girls don't mind husband_snatching,I wish to shake er and tell er to wake d fuck up!

    I hed a story of a white girl,who also manages an hotel on d island..she got married to a yoruba dude here in nig,and took time out of her busy schedule cos her man loves amala and sumtin called gbegiri.ur wife really has no excuse.

    I see most of d girls here giving u fucked up advices.hey ladies wld u give dis man dis same advice if he was ur brother?y so lame?

    Here's ma a meeting,ur folks and hers and spell it out to her.for God sake u are the head stat acting like her into a weekend catering school,u are a doctor and I wana assume u ar a very busy man.tell her how u want ur home to look,tell her u want babies,give her an ultimatum.haba a year is enough!

    I'd never let my bf's mom sweep wen am there,never..neither wld I be watchin TV wen she's cooking..cos I dnt do it to my own mom.

    Finally wen u use ur left hand to beat a child u draw him closer wit d right.exercise caution and show love to her always.she'd learn that way. Goodluck

    1. You are honestly the one with blinders on. He married someone who he acknowledges never acted like a 'wife', never cooked, never did anything remotely domesticated. He never spoke to her about it and wants her to transform after marriage? Na so now. He should transform her now. Shebi it is by magic. People like you are the ones breaking up peoples homes with your rubbish advice. Marriage is CAVEAT EMPTOR! He bought goods with his eyes wide open and now he wants to back out? Doesn't work that way boo boo.

    2. I was going to reply but I see you insinuating that a wife is like a child to be 'beaten with one hand and drawn closer with the other' and that did it for me.

      Kinda sums it all up the kind of marriage you'd like/want. Good luck to you, sister.

  12. sometimes as you lay your bed, so you lie on it. didn't you have a discussion about kids etc before you guys married. And come on, you knew she wasn't domesticated yet you married her. why complain now? please endure, ndo

  13. na wa o.... please be patient with her. Maybe you should develop creative ways to show her you will be with her through everything. eg. you can enroll in cooking classes together. so she sees your full support. You guys should talk about when you are both ready to have kids, like a timeline..

    Some people do not want kids soo early... some people even say they want to enjoy their husbands or wives first. let her know exactly how you feel, do not say it like you are begging her (it sounds like that's what u do).. let her know you are frustrated by her actions and pray about this whole experience.

    I believe she will change. good luck

  14. Thanks, Beulah for your mature and sincere advice.

    As for the writer, I believe you came across several women who could win gold medals in cooking and cleaning but you CHOSE Mandy. Maybe you should try to re-discover why you made her your choice above all.

    I don't think marriage should involve reporting to and discussing with external parties (God is the only One you should talk to) regarding issues within your family. It's YOUR home, build it.
    You should have made a decision concerning the kind of home and spouse you wanted and written your points down before making a choice. Don't get an elephant and expect it to change into a lion.

    For the writer, having a wife who doubles as a chef, cleaner and baby-making machine are important but he chose to marry someone with the opposite traits. Why didn't you both discuss your life goals and expectations instead of making assumptions? Not every wife or husband wants to have children immediately after marriage. Not every spouse is "domesticated". There's no law that says a wife must cook or clean; a marriage has 2 mature adults who have agreed to spend their lives together and one should not expect from the other what he/she cannot/would not give/take.
    Oga, you want a clean house? Start to clean! You want to eat? Learn to cook. You married Mandy because of her nature not her domestic qualities. She is not selfish for wanting to build her career first; you've been married for just 1 year. Did you even discuss this child-bearing issue before marriage- how many children you'd like to have, how soon after the wedding you'd want to start, etc? These are important issues that should not be overlooked. Plus there are actually people who do not want to have children.

    The man who sent in the story actually agreed with his wife beforehand but she has changed her mind; just pray about everything, may God take control of your home IJN.
    Learn to give instead of just taking. Above all, seek God in everything.

  15. Beulah, Tolu and others have said it as it is. Problem is that people enter marriages with blinders on! What were u guys talking about when u were courting? That was tha appropriate time to talk, Talk, Talk about these things. You know each other's mind on issues.

    I do not subscribe to involving other parties, parents or pastors! You need to man up and handle this yourself cos like it or not, u r also to blame. Apparently, u both had different expectations of what will happen after the marriage ceremonies! Do not break your home, speak with your wife, discuss things and find a way forward!

  16. In summation:
    Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

    ALWAYS perseveres. I do not think you love your wife. I do not think you know what love is sef. Marriage is not play-play, not everyone should be getting married. Daris all.

  17. Most African men are still lacking to understand the concept of marriage. Women are not married to become cooks, it is a collective responsibility, a mutual understanding between a man and his wife. Does a man not cook before he gets married? This he should consider; that his wife is a helper, not a servant.


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